Night in the hospital...

This past week all had been going good. I was 25 weeks on Tuesday and Billy and I were getting a little more less nervous and confident in not delivering within the next 3 months. We had our 25 week appointment and our son couldnt be any healthier! He is growing a lot and moving just as much. It was cute, the sonographer was trying to get him to move his head so she could get an accurate measurement for my cervix. Lately, he has been laying right on my cervix, so it has been a challenge getting him to move away from it. Well the sonographer starting poking my belly to try and get him to move... 3 did not like that and as soon as she moved her hand he took one big pucbh/kick! It was funny!

I feel him moving ALL of the time! I love it!

My cervix was measuring between a 3.55-3.8cm at 25 weeks, which is shorter than usual, but well within a comfortable length. Usually they like a cervix to be within 3-5cm. So yes, it did shorten, but we were ok with that bc we knew the last time it shortened it went back up in length a week later.

well Saturday was a big game for the Bulls and was also a friend of ours wedding. Billy told me that morning he didnt feel comfortable with me going to both and that he just had a bad feeling. I knew how much he wanted to go to the game, and since I would be sitting the entire time, I honestly thought I would be fine.

We went to the game and I had absolutley no complications. We sat with some friends and 3 was just kicking away. I was telling our friend Joe to watch my belly bc he would be able to see 3 moving, he didnt believe it and all of a sudden 3 did one Large movement and my entire stomach moved. The expression on Joe's face was priceless!!

After the game we changed and went straight to the wedding. At around 7 I started to have a sharp pain in my side. It was REALLY uncomfortable. I told Billy we needed to leave right away bc I needed to lay down and call my Dr. And so it started, "I told you I didnt have a good feeling about today..."

I called Dr P and he suggested I take 2 Tylenol and lay down. He said the pain sounded like round ligament pain. Of course, if you know me at all, you know that I refuse to take any type of medicine while being pregnant. I just worry about the potential side effects on my child later on in life. I layed down and started to Google round ligament pain. Most of what I read said it would feel like what I felt, however said it starts in the groin up to the top of my hip. I had no pain in my groin, just in that one spot. Another thing it said was that the pain should last no longer than a few seconds. My pain was constant. It hurt to breath, hurt to touch, hurt to move.

I called Dr P and told him I had a bad feeling and just felt like I needed to be seen. I told him we were on our way to the hospital. He said he would meet me there and he would call to let them know i was coming.

Pulling up to that same hospital in an emergency situation was HORRIBLE. Billy was having flashbacks from that day with Taylor and Riley, i was too. I walked in to the hospital the same way, cramping, hunched over. The security guard put me in the wheelchair and we took off to the 3rd floor. I felt so bad for my husband. He was so nervous, and I was too.. but inside I had a feeling all would be ok.

I went in and they hooked me up to the monitors. I asked if I had any contractions and the nurse said "Yes". Then another nurse came in with a cart and an IV bag. I asked what that was for and she told me it was bc I was contracting. She turned the monitor so I could see and I was having a TON of contractions... Large contractions... I am not supposed to have more than 4-6 contractions an hour-- I was having 4-6 every 10-15 minutes. Right then my eyes filled up with tears and I lost it. I was so scared. My husband just kept talking to me, he kept saying it would all be ok, but neither one of us knew that for sure.

My doctor came in about the same time as the sonographer. They elevated my cervix and my cervical length was longer than it ever had been, 5cm! That meant I was not in labor!!!!! However, they needed to slow my contractions so it didnt change my cervix and put me into labor.

I was told Id be staying over night to monitor me and give me more IVs. It appeared I was just way dehydrated.

Before I knew it, my room was filled!! My parents came, Billys boss came, Joel and Ashley came.. and many more people were calling to see if they should come. I had no idea how anyone, other than my parents and Billys, even knew I was there. I guess Billy had texted them. Billy's parents were on stand-by in case they needed to be on a plane! Thankfully, it didnt come down to that.

After 2 bags of IVs my contractions slowed, and then eventually stopped.

Billy went home while my parents stayed with me so he could get me my girls toys. He knew I needed them. Theres no way I would have been able to sleep a night without my girls toys. I hadnt slept without them since their birth.

The next morning I still had a few contractions, but not as large and not as many.

Dr P came in and said that all looked good, that I just needed to take it easy. He said I will more than likely have more contractions, and the further along I get the more I will have, but as long as I dont have any cervical change I would be ok.

I have been placed on bed rest until I see him again. My appt is tomorrow. Hopefully all will go well.

Ive been home all day, and my husband has been taking awesome care of me!! Im so thankful to have him.

My dr is pretty optimistic that I will not be going in to labor anytime soon, and he thinks I will go full term, so praying for that!!

November 12, 2010

New Update!! FINALLY!!
 
I'll begin my update on Baby Billy aka 3!!
 
Billy and I have continued to go to our weekly doctor appointments and so far everything is looking good! I have been having quite the discomfort lately in my pelvic area, but my doctor said its just because everything is changing and my ligaments are stretching. Needless to say it HURTS!! and now I waddle like a duck when i walk bc it hurts!
 
We are still certain its a boy!! we get "the shot" every time we do an ultrasound. A few weeks ago the only pictures the sonographer gave us was one of his foot (So freaking cute) and one of his "boyness". haha.
 
I went to the doctor on Wednesday 11/10 and they took his measurements. My baby boy is weighing in at 1 pound 9 ounces! Billy and I had a bet going while we were waiting to see the doctor. His first guess was 2 pounds and his second was over 1pound 5 ounces. My guess was way lower, I was thinking he'd weigh about 1 pound 2-3ounces. Well, I was off!! I was thinking about Taylor and Riley. Taylor was 1 pound at almost 22 weeks and Riley was 12 ounces. So i just figured 3 was 2 weeks further than that so he would be measuring close to my girls measurements... guess daddy was closer!
 
The previous 2 weeks I was gaining about 3 pounds a WEEK!!! I thought that was quite a bit, but my doctor assured me it was normal and I was on target for my final weight gain, about 35 pounds. Well, this week I weighed a pound less. I was a little taken back that i gained 3 pounds 2 weeks in a row and then all of a sudden I lost a pound?! Oh well, Dr P still said it was fine. Ive gained about 15lbs total so far. My tummy sure is growing!
 
I have been such a slacker in posting pictures, so I will have to get on top of that soon!
 
At this weeks appointment the sonographer got an awesome side profile shot of 3! He is absolutely STUNNING! you can see his littles lips, ears, chin, nose, etc! I cant wait for February/ March to meet him!
 
3 is one VERY active little guy! I absolutely love feeling him moving around in there! There are times when i guess all of his moving could get a little bothersome, like when i am sleeping and he wakes me up, but for me I absolutely enjoy every single minute of it! I can tell I will have my hands full come March, but i am ready for it!!
 
He is so cute, I am not sure if it is him being jealous, or if it is him just wanting to say hi to his cousins... but everytime I hold or feed Luke, Evan or Trace my little guy starts moving a lot!! It is so funny!
 
In the past couple of days I have been able to start seeing my tummy jump when he moves. At times he will make large movements and my entire stomache will go up and down!
 
Billy and I are still on edge, and every doctor appointment we walk in a little tense, but thankfully have left extremely happy. I can honestly say that as each week goes by, I start to become a little more confident in knowing everything will be ok for our son, but I think my husband is still a little more nervous/cautious. If I take too long going to the restroom, or if i take too long getting my weight and blood pressure at the doctors office, or if I jump bc my lil guys movements catch me off guard, or if I make a weird face, or if I yell down to him from upstairs... all of these things, plus many other, have Billy in a panic. I wish there was some way to ensure my husband his son will be healthy and full term, but then again there is no way I can ensure myself that. I just know that we are doing all we can to ensure our sons health, and we are trying to remain optimistic about things. 
 
On another note, Billy and I have been working on 3's nursery lately. That has been bittersweet. It's nice and fun doing this for our son, and its fun to decorate and see that we are making progress, but it is also very hard thinking about our girls. We had the bottom portion of the walls repainted by someone else, it would have been too hard to paint over the pretty pink stripes that were meant for our daughters to see. But, of course, we could not leave our son's nursery pink.
 
These past few weeks have been a little difficult for us. We have definately had our moments. We are so happy to have surpassed our 22 week milestone, and we are looking forward to at least 13 more weeks with him being in my tummy!!
 
Have you heard that song, "Anything Like Me" from Brad Paisley?
The Lyrics are:

I remember saying I don't care either way
Just as long as he or she is healthy I'm ok
Then the doctor pointed to the corner of the screen
And said "You see that thing right there well you know what that means"

And I started wondering who he was going to be
And I thought heaven help us if he's anything like me
He'll probably climb a tree too tall and ride hes bike to fast
End up every summer wearing something in a cast
He's gonna throw a ball and break some glass in a window down the street
He's gonna get in trouble oh he's gonna get in fights
I'm gonna lose my temper and some sleep
It's safe to say that I'm gonna get my payback if he's anything like me

I can see him right now knees all skinned up
With a magnifying glass trying to melt a Tonka truck
Won't he be a sight with his football helmet on
That'll be his first love til his first love comes along
He'll get his heart broke by the time he's in his teens
And heaven help him if he's anything like me

He'll probably stay out too late and drive his car too fast
Get a speeding ticket he'll pay for mowing grass
He's gonna get caught skipping class and be grounded for a week
He's gonna get in trouble we're gonna get in fights
I'm gonna lose my temper and some sleep
It's safe to say that I'm gonna get my payback if he's anything like me

He's gonna love me and hate me along the way
Years are gonna fly by I already dread the day
He's gonna hug his momma, he's gonna shake my hand
He's gonna act like he cant wait to leave
But as he drives out he'll cry his eyes out
If he's anything like me there's worse folks to be like
Aw he'll be alright if he's anything like me
 
Well that has been a happy song for Billy and I. The first set of lyrics absolutely hits home... "I remember saying I don't care either way
Just as long as he or she is healthy I'm ok..."- That is exactly how we felt/feel and now Billy will have a little mini me in a few months! I guess its our song for 3!
 
I was riding in the car the other day and a song came on the radio... and i do really like the song, "If I die Young" by The Band Perry, but for some reason it hit me today on the way to work. The verse, "Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother - She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby..."
 
Man oh man did i start crying. I cant tell you how many times i have heard that song on the radio, and how many times i have sung the lyrics, but for some reason this morning I sat quiet and actually listened to the lyrics and that verse just hit too close to home-- Im actually tearing up now just thinking about it.
 
I havent been too festive this holiday season, and I know i probably should be... as I usually am, but its just gloomy for me. Billy has stated this Thanksgiving and Christmas he doesnt want to do anything but be left alone. Its just really hard knowing that our daughters should be here for their first holidays with us, and now we just have an empty home full of their pictures. Pictures, just pictures, not our daughters...We will see how it goes these next few months, but we are looking forward to a new year, 2011 and the birth of our baby boy.
 
Yes, I am still sleeping with my girls toys-- think that I will probably do this forever. It brings me closer to them in some way when i lay down at night. I take them with me wherever I stay.
 
This year I have met some amazing people and amazing moms that unfortunately the bond we share is the loss of our child/children. I am so thankful to have them all in my life. They have helped me through this journey as well. Today i ask you pray for baby Abby, she would have been 1 yr old today. Happy Angel-versary Baby Abby. I also ask that you pray for all of the families out there that have experienced the loss of a child. Whether it be a newborn or an adult, losing a child is extremely painful, it doesnt matter what age they are.
 
The time has flown by so fast... I cannot believe I am 6 months pregnant--- and further I cannot believe it has been 9.5 months since the birth/death of my daughters.
 
On another note, remember me mentioning about medical bills for Taylor and Riley a while back? and how each girl was billed over $3K for "services rendered"-- well, that has been taken care of after numerous calls to the billing department and having them look into what exactly we were charged for. It stinks having to argue over something like this and makes it even harder to bring up those memories, I wish these billing departments would stop trying to take advantage of people and would actually send correct bills!!
 
Ill try to keep up regular updates, I know my cousin Anna for one would love me too!!! I will also try and upload baby, baby bump, and nursery pictures soon!!!
 



 

October 25,2010

This past week has been a real struggle. Completely full of anxiety, but thank God- we have passed our first milestone!!
 
Last Tuesday, October 19, Billy and I went for my weekly follow up. I was exactly 21 weeks. The sonogram began and my hansome little man was moving around like always! Well, where his head was positioned was blocking my cervix, so my sonographer was trying to wait for him to move so she could get a good cervical length. In the process of that she began to tell me that she had to wait a minute because I was having a little contraction. CONTRACTION!!! Billy and I both looked at each other in a panic-- can i remind you that i went in to labor with my daughters at 21 weeks and 6 days, so we were coming up to that milestone again. Hearing that I was having a contraction freaked us out, but then we were told that EVERYONE gets contractions every now and then, so this was completely normal. As long as I wasnt having too many an hour I was fine. Well, then she got a good cervical length and in 5 days my cervical length went from a 4.3cm to a 3.8 cm. Once again we were told that this was a safe measurement, but to Billy and I - who are already on edge- hearing that I was having a contraction and then taht my cervix shortened by 0.5cm in 5 days freaked us out.
 
My doctor had switched days with the other doctor in the office so we didnt get to see Dr P. The doctor we trust and love. Let me just say that we trust the entire practice, but to us we seek comfort in our dr. After the appointment, I left in tears. Billy had to rush to a meeting for work, and was on edge as well. I got in my car and immediately called my sister. I explained to her how the doctor said it was ok, but I was still scared/nervous. Jen kept trying to push me to call Dr P. As she said, yes the other doctor was aware of my previous situation/loss, but Dr P knows everything about me and what happened bc he was there. I gave in and called Dr P just to run everything by him. He went in to the office and looked at my ultrasound and confirmed that everything looked normal. That helped a lot hearing it from him, but we are still scared/nervous.
 
Saturday night/Sunday morning was that day" in my pregnancy. Billy and I were so nervous. I was up all night. I was constantly making bathroom trips to make sure there was no blood or anything different. Thankfully there wasnt any. I woke up Sunday and was still a little on edge. I went to breakfast with my husband, went to my niece's birthday party, and was home by 3-4 and just laid on the couch all day trying to relax.
 
Thankfully all is still looking good. I feel my little man kicking/moving around all the time. its so cute! he Loves moving at night and early in the morning. He is going to be one very active child!!
 
We ordered his dresser, crib and mattress and so far the mattress and dresser have come in.. now we are just waiting on his crib, that should be here today or tomorrow!!
 
We have 15 more weeks until my stitch comes out!!! and then after that Baby Billy is safe to come anytime!! We are thinking our baby boy will be here sometime mid February!
 
My next appointment is on Thursday-- will keep ya posted on how that goes.

October 15, 2010

Wow!! A lot has happened since my last blog, I just dont know where to begin!!
 
My last blog entry ended with me wondering what I should do about the progesterone shots. Billy and I spoke to our doctor and asked what his opinion was. He advised us that he did not necessarily think we HAD to have them right now. Like I mentioned before, the situation this time is a bit different- One baby, a cerclage, weekly doctor vistits, etc- so we figured we would trust our doctor and not take the shots. He said that if need be that I can begin them if we start to see a change in my cervix, but hopefully it wont come down to that.
 
We have also been advised that we should not travel any further than an hour away from the hospital beginning at 20 weeks. Billy and I had a lot coming up, including our anniversary,and have been EXTREMELY stressed, so we decided to take advantage of the few weeks we had left, so we decided that a vacation would be good for us. Oh man, the stress that came along with planning a vacation!! At 17 weeks, we decided to take a road trip.  We were going to go to Tennessee, but flying was a little nerve racking to us. Our doctor approved for me to fly, however, I have read studies that show flying can induce labor so I was not about to take that chance even if i had the approval from one of the best OB's ever!! But then to drive to TN would be rough on me too, my doctor said driving that far wouldnt be too good and we would also have to stop every 2-3 hours for me to get out and walk... so seeings as that would cause pressure on my cervix sitting that long, we decided TN was a no go. Plus it was like 13 hours away from home, so that also made us a little worried.
 
Billy, the awesome vacation planner that he is, mapped out a road trip for us. This was very spontaneous and planned within a few days. We set out on our vacation on Saturday 9/18 and our first stop was in Jacksonville to visit his best friend Ryan. We havent seen Ryan and Heather since the girls' funeral, so we thought it'd be nice to say hi to them. We hung out and stayed over night. We woke up Sunday morning and headed to Savannah, Ga. We stayed at the Bohemian Hotel. We walked up and down the streets (even though the walking was kind of rough for me, so we had to make frequent stops to rest!), we ate lots of food and just enjoyed the water and the town. We ate lunch at the "Lady and Sons" restaurant, which is Paula Deen's restaurant. It was some good southern cookin-- Fried Chicken, Mashed potatoes and gravy, biscuits, lima beans, collard greens, macaroni and cheese, etc. I topped it all off with some banana pudding! Yummy! After that we ate at one of the haunted restaurants for dinner.
 
On Monday morning we headed to our 3rd destination... Hilton Head, SC. We LOVED it. We stayed at the Westin and it was a very relaxing time. The beach was gorgeous and very isolated. The food was delicious!! We stayed there Monday and Tuesday night and then decided we had enough and wanted to come home. We had originally planned on stopping a few other places on the way home, but our nerves had gotten the best of us.
 
While in Savannah we were getting worried about every little thing and were scared of being so far away from the hospital if something were to happen. We almost came home that day!! We decided to stick it out, and seeings as though I was only 17 weeks pregnant, there would not be too much that could be done if something did turn for the worse, so we figured we would continue our vacation. While in Hilton Head it was very nerve wracking too, so that's why we chose to come home on Wednesday.
 
Along the way of our road trip we got a little side tracked and went the wrong way. As we were a little frustrated we came across two street signs-- the signs had the names of our daughters. We knew then that there was a reason for getting "lost". I always look at those things as signs from our beautiful angels and feel its their way of letting us know they are watching over us.
 
I wish that we could be like almost every other pregnant couple and just go on vacation without a worry, but for us it is a constant battle. Billy and I both have no where near come to peace with the loss of our girls, and the constant worry of our son has realy gotten the best of us. We are trying to stay strong, but it has been really difficult. It's amazing how many people try to tell us that we should be "over it" or "accept it" or "focus on this pregnancy and not your girls" etc... Those people obviously have NO idea what its like to lose a child, let alone 2. Or you get the people that cant grasp that this will be our 3rd child and not 1st!! I look at them and wonder what the heck they are thinking! I did not have a miscarriage I had a live birth, and my daughters were alive. What makes them any less of our children bc they were only alive a few hours? NOTHING!!! I am their mom, Billy is their dad, and they are and will forever be our BEAUTIFUL Perfect daughters.
 
While in South Carolina we found an ice cream parlor that sold Smurf ice cream!! Oh man was that yummy, and ever since we left I have been craving more of it! I came home from work one day and my husband had surprised me with a tub of it! he FINALLY found Smurf again in our area! The local parlor that sold Smurf is no longer in business, so thankfully he found a new one.
 
Another craving I have had are Clark Bars. I had never eaten one before but had heard stories of them. Billys mom used to crave them while she was pregnant with Billy. Well, one day while visiting Billys dad I saw one in the "junk food box"! I decided to try it! Man was thata bad idea :) I had been craving them since! Once again, like my Smurf craving, Clark bars are very hard to find. I had searched and searched for them... FINALLY, while shopping at Michaels one day I saw a "retro-candy" section and there they were!! Now I know where to find them!!
 
Craving # 3 was Worlds Finest Chocolate bars!! I remembered selling those in elementary school for fundraisers for $1. No clue where the craving came from, but lately thats all that had been on my mind. My neices dont sell them at school, I asked my aunt if my cousins kids sold them at their schools and they didnt either... NO ONE sells them anymore!! Of course, my thoughtful husband knew of my craving and managed to order some online!! He had 15 bars shipped! 10 milk chocolate and 5 almond! They came in a lil box and he had a lil message for me and 3 in the box! it was very sweet of him and now all of my cravings have been conquered!! haha
 
Also in my previous blog i mentioned wanting to feel Baby Billy kick. Well that time arrived while we were on vacation!! In the past week or so he has been moving SO much!! I love feeling him. He is still too small for Billy to feel the movement, but man o man do i feel him!
 
We are now going weekly to our doctor visits. I LOVE it! It has helped keep us a little less stressed, but of course the stress is ALWAYS there!! At our 20 week appt yesterday Baby Billy was measuring 14 ounces!! That is bigger than Riley was, she was 12. Billy and I have been stressed lately bc that BIG milestone is coming close... 21 weeks and 6 days. So far all is looking well, our son is healthy and my cervix is still looking good. the past 3 weeks it has been measuring 4.3 which is good. Hopefully the cerclage worked!!
 
September 13th my nephew Trace William entered the world at 9lbs 1oz! he was a chubby little guy, but is of course very cute!
 
Then on September 30, 2010 my sister went in to labor. My nephews were born at 36 weeks and Luke Alexander weighed 5lbs 2 oz and Evan Joshua weighed 4lbs 11oz. They didnt have such an easy time as Trace did. They both were in the NICU and Evan was able to go home on 10/10 and Luke was able to go home on 10/14! so now they are at home and happy!!
 
that day was a hard day for me. I was so happy for my sister and my nephews, but it was also hard. Her boys were supposed to be welcomed by their twin cousins. I know my girls were looking down on them and making sure they would be healthy. The 30th was also Taylor and Riley's 8 month Angel-versary. The 30th of every month is so hard for me... I mean everyday is hard, but the 30th is even worse.
 
Ive been having quite a bit of "bad" days recently. It's hard accepting they are gone forever.  I finally finished the angels I made for their site! I think they turned out beautifully!! I placed them under the girls bench. I figured this way they wouldnt get too beat up from the heat, rain, etc...
 
I have recently started trying to think of what to do with the nursery for 3. I went in there the other day and tried to start putting away Taylor and Rileys things in the trunk my dad made for them, but that was way too difficult. I figure I have time to do it and in time I will find the strength to do it.
 
Billy and I also wanted to begin 3's registry. We started getting ready on Sunday to go, but our nerves got the best of us and we were not able to do it yet. Everything is just so hard.
 
Well, i guess that has been my month in a nut shell!!

September 15

September 15, 2010

I started off this morning to a great start. I woke up and headed off to the doctor for my 16 week cerclage check. Unfortunately, Billy was out of town for work, so he was unable to come with me, but my sister, Courtney, was able to come! I’m scared to go alone. Billy has been at every single appointment with me up until today. He was also at all of Taylor and Riley’s appointments except for one.

I was sick one day, and felt horrible so the doctor had me come in to do a check up, so the actual appointment that time really was not scheduled and didn’t have anything to do with Taylor and Riley per say, it was more them making sure I didn’t need to be on antibiotics or what not for my cold. Well, this was the ONLY time Billy had not been with me, and when I went in, as they went to check the girls heart beats, they only found one. I absolutely panicked! So now, I’m scared to go alone for fear of something like that happening again and me being alone. Well eventually they were able to find the second heart beat, but still those few minutes were just horrible.

Well, today Courtney came with me and of course the second I left the appointment my first phone call was to Billy to give him an update!

3 is one very healthy baby boy! He was VERY active today, moving all around! His heart rate was 147; which is good. They did a quick glimpse and it looked like everything was in the right place and fully functioning. We do a complete anatomy check up at our next appointment in 2 weeks. He was SO CUTE and it looked like he was chewing and blowing kisses.  One happy baby boy. It was hard to get a good picture this time because he was so active, but we did manage to get a few! The sonographer got one AWESOME shot of one of his little feet. It is so adorable!! We also got a few of his head and body, his face, and of his “male parts”.

The doctor brought up another option Billy and I may want to seek, Progesterone shots. This is a shot that I would have to take EVERY WEEK starting at 20 weeks up until 37 weeks. Studies show that these shots MAY help reduce the chance of preterm labor. The doctor, however, did remind me that my circumstances are different this time: I have a cerclage, I am being followed EXTREMELY closely, and there is only one baby this time. So far my cervix is looking healthy, measured 4.7 today and my stitch is holding firm. I read on the March of Dimes web page that these shots have not proven to have any short term side effects on the baby (for up to 2 years of age) but they don’t have any studies to show any long term side effects… so you never know if these shots could effect 3 in the future. Many women have taken these shots and I was reading one blog where a lady said she took them and it prolonged her labor, however she still delivered preterm @ 30 something weeks. I haven’t seen anywhere where someone has taken the shots and has had a cerclage. We still have 4 weeks to decide on this, it was just an option we have, not necessarily a recommendation. Any opinions on what you would do?! Im so scared of effecting 3, and the way I am seeing it is my doctor is already following me SO close, that I feel if things do turn for the worst, we will be able to catch it in time this time, but then again you never know.

Dr P also said that beginning 20 weeks, I won’t be able to travel or go really anywhere that’s too far from him. Not that I would anyway, and even if I did, not that Billy would let me!! At 20 weeks I will be monitored even more and will more than likely be moving from bi-weekly visits to weekly visits. But that’s fine with me because I LOVE seeing my lil man grow!

Well that’s about it on todays visit to the doctor… Im hoping I will start feeling my lil boy moving real soon! I read that you can start feeling your baby as early as 16 weeks and each pregnancy you can feel movement sooner. I remember I really didn’t start feeling Taylor and Riley until later in my pregnancy, but maybe since this is my second pregnancy ill be feeling him move earlier on? Ill keep you posted on that!

September 10,2010

 
September 10, 2010
 
As usual, I find my self blogging mainly when I am having a bad day, or have had a few bad days in a row...
 
Tuesday I fell back into a slump. I was at the grave visiting my girls as I ALWAYS do and I was fine. Sitting there peacefully enjoying my Flatbread and smoothie and just talking to my girls. Then a car pulled up. I m usually at the cemetery alone, or at least the area where Taylor and Riley are buried no one else is usually around. Tuesday was different, a car pulled up and a family of 3 were bringing flowers to someone kind of close to Taylor and Riley. I just sat on the girls bench and so many thoughts were running through my head. First, I wondered who they were visiting? The family was older, looked like a mom, a dad, and an older daughter in her mid 40's. Were they visiting a relative? Grandparents/parents? Everyone I was imagining in my head would have been an older person. Then I wondered to myself if they were thinking the same thing about me and wondering who I was visiting. How many times do you really walk in to a cemetery or hear of a death and think of a baby or a child? Usually never. The thought of that just made me fall into tears. As my eyes water once again while writing this. I said goodbye to my babies, kissed their headstone 4 times, as I always do (2 kisses for each girl) and then got in my car and lost it. As I slowly pulled out of the cemetery I looked back and saw that family kind of walking toward my girls. Im sure they were curious as to who I was visiting.
 
That set my mood for the rest of the day/night. After work, I went home, changed in to my PJ's and cuddled up on the couch and waited for Billy to get home. I had tears in my eyes as he walked in and he knew it had been "one of those days" for me.
 
It's amazing how some days I find myself "getting better" and then one little thing can trigger me right back into my crying spells.
 
The other day I for the FIRST time, was able to look at Taylor and Riley's baby registry. Billy and I figured we would use the same registry for 3, just change all the girl stuff to boy and update the registry to only 1 of everything instead of 2.
 
It's so weird. At the beginning of this pregnancy when I would refer to 3, knowing I was only carrying 1 child this time, I would always say, "When my babies come..." There were so many times I had to correct myself. Sometime its a complete blur as to what happened that day, and facing reality, then I look at a picture of my beautiful angels and accept reality.
 
Anytime I drive, I sit back and that is my time to be in complete silence and just gather my thoughts. The other day, while driving I started thinking about "that day". Such a painful day. These memories I dont think I will ever be able to get out of my head.
 
Then I look, and I see the world around me, and have faith that I will see the light again, and although I know i will NEVER be healed of this pain that lingers in my heart, i hope and pray I will just be able to handle it a little easier.
 
I look at the precious gift God has given one of my sorority sisters, and think to myself that at one point Im sure she was at her lowest, after the doctors had advised her she would never be able to conceive, and then she went through an adoption process, was matched with a child and then found out she was pregnant. Such joy has come into her life after Im sure, much sorrow and pain.
 
Billy and I are COMPLETELY overjoyed with finding we are expecting again, and now even more having a little boy, but at times I feel that our joy is outshined by fear. Fear of the same outcome. I have 100% trust in my doctors, but then again only God knows what the future holds. Every little thing Billy and I worry about.
 
I still have trouble doing certain thnings, the only ultrasounds I like to see are my own, my beautiful baby boy, even looking at Taylor and Rileys ultrasounds at times are hard.
 
My sister in law is being induced on Monday, and I dont know how to feel. I am so excited to meet my nephew, but at the same time I dont know how hard it will be looking at a newborn. The last newborns I saw were my own. I am trying to brace myself and trying to prepare for Monday. Some may tell me to "suck it up" or "it's totally different" etc, but they arent in my shoes. Its hard to look at twins, and I have a feeling seeing a newborn will be just as hard. I will def be at that hospital though and will be there for my nephew. A few weeks later my sister will be having her twin boys, which Im sure will bring up more emotions as well seeing Twin newborns. I guess these are things I will get used to, it's just really hard. However, I cannot wait until Feb/March to meet my baby boy! He is truly a blessing to us.
 
As for my cerclage. All is good now!! a week or so of pain, and now Im ALMOST back to my self. I still feel discomfort if I walk too much, but the doctor said that will happen. I go to my next appointment on Wednesday to check the length of my cervix and make sure the stitch is holding. Praying that all goes well! From here on out I have doctor appointments every 2 weeks, and if there is any change in my body they may go to every week, or even more than that. I have no problem with this!! I get to see my lil man growing every 2 weeks! one week is a cervical length check up and then the next is a baby checkup, however each time they will look at both, but every other week they focus on just one thing, baby or cervix.
 
Billy and I had tickets to the UF/USF game this weekend, but due to the Koran burning we decided not to take the chance of anything happening and decided it's not worth the life of our 3rd baby, so we arent going. I know to some this may sound ridiculous, but this is how we live day to day... we try to avoid any bad situation possible. Chances are all will be fine, but we arent taking that chance. So on that note... we will be watching the game in St Pete, and Go BULLS!

September 1, 2010

I am finally feeling more like myself and a lot of my discomfort has gone away, so thought I would now blog about my surgery and about what has gone on in the past 2 weeks!
 
On Monday, August 23rd, I had my cervical cerclage put in. For those of you who are unaware of what that is, it's a stitch the doctor has placed on my cervix to stitch it hope to HOPEFULLY prevent me from going into pre-term labor again. This was a HUGE deal for my husband and I bc this stitch is what is going to save my baby's life. Just wish they would have thought to put one in for my beautiful daughters :( . There is no guarantee that the stitch will hold to 37 weeks, but we are all very optimistic that it will! At 37 weeks, around February 8th, Dr P will remove the cerclage and at any time after that I will be ok to go in to labor. I've heard stories on what could possibly happen : 1. The stitch does not hold until 37 weeks, and I may have to have a 2nd cerclage put in, or if I am far enough along, i go in to labor 2. At 37 weeks, after the stitch is removed I go in to labor right away, or a few days later 3. because of all of the scar tissue that will be building around my cervix bc of the stitch, it is possible that I am unable to have a vaginal birth bc my cervix will not allow it, and the doctor will have to induce me and deliver via C-section. We are praying for scenario # 2!!
 
Ok, now on to "that" day... Monday morning I was a ball of nerves, literally. I have been full of nerves every week leading up to the cerclage, and on Monday it was even worse. I was nervous for baby #3 and was nervous to be back in the operating room- not too nervous about the actual procedure. Dr P chose to have me go to the outpatient hospital for the procedure. I am thinking he did this knowing how I was feeling about being back in the OR at Baby Place, the same OR that i delivered my Riley in.  Well, Billy and I pulled in to the hospital and after filling out the proper paperwork, we took a seat in the waiting room. A few minutes had gone by, maybe 30, and all of a sudden I heard a panicked voice coming from the lady sitting near us. She was leaning over her Husband, that was hunched over in his chair, screaming "Mike! Mike!". I looked over and saw that the man's joints were starting to lock up and he was having a seizure. His wife was in a panic. All of a sudden, he lifted his head and his pupils were HUGE and then he started making a screaming/moaning sound. I usually would help him, but being that we were in a hospital, and the nurses were there, and the fact that I was already EXTREMELY nervous about my procedure, I felt my chest start to tighten, I started to go in to a panic attack and started to tear up and we had to walk out. I felt so bad. How bad did that look that this poor man is in a full blown seizure and I had to walk out of the room. Well, at that point there was no way I would have been able to stay in that room, I was too shaken up. I felt so HORRIBLE for that man, and prayed that he would be ok. I soon found out that it seemed as if the man had a neurological disorder so that is what triggered his seizure, they all said he would be ok and he was sent to the ER.
 
Well, Billy and I went back inside, and then my name was called right away. They told me I had to go in ALONE!!!! I was freaking out! The nurse was very nice, and I had to change in to my gown and she had to start an IV. Of course by this point my tears were rolling. After I was all set, they allowed Billy and my parents to come in and wait with me. dr P came in and discussed everything with us. and I also met with the Anesthesiologist. We had decided to do a spinal. I did not want to be sedated.
 
Well wide awake they wheeled me, and me alone, in to the OR. Dr P was right there with me. As soon as I looked over at that tiny operating table, I lost it. I was a complete mess! They asked me to scoot on to the table from my bed and the entire time all i kept picturing was being in the OR with Riley, and the nurses having to pull me on to the operating table from my bed sheets. It was horrible being in there, wide awake, and without my husband. Dr P kept reminding me this is a whole new ball game. A whole new pregnancy, a differernt OR and COMPLETELY different circumstances. He tried his best to calm me down. After a lil while the Anesthesiologist started to prepare me for my spinal. I was so nervous, I HATE needles! Well he put one shot in, and i thought that was it... Wow was I wrong, that was just the numbing shot!! Then he put the Spinal in. I started to feel my feet tingle and get a lil heavy, but I was not a numb as they had hoped I would be. They started to prepare me, strap my legs up in the harnesses again, and i was really fidgity. It was mainly from my nerves. Time passed and I was just not settling down, and could still feel things, and the A kept asking if he could sedate me a bit. i kept refusing, but eventually, he asked again, and I said "Whatever Dr P wants me to do." he said that he thought that would be for the best. i asked a thousand questions on the effects it could possibly have on baby # 3, bc I was not going to do anything that would hurt my child, but he advised me that the baby would be fine, so I gave the ok, the A gave me the meds, and before I knew it i was passed out!
 
I woke up to at first nothing, but that was bc the meds were still in me! After a few minutes passed the pain started to sink in. Oh my did I have MAJOR cramping. The nurses, and doctors offered to give me pain meds, but I was already not happy about being sedated, and the pain meds were definately out of the question. I was not putting my child's well being at risk all for a bit of pain. I sucked it up. The doctor said I could take a lighter dose of pain meds, like Advil, but of course, I refused that too!
 
Billy and I got to leave a few hours later, and the pain had subsided a LITTLE. I was still in a lot of pain. We had decided to stay at the Vinoy, bc the doctor said it would not be good for me to use stairs right away, so we just went to the resort! Right away I climbed in to bed and did not want to get up. The pain hurt no matter what position I laid in, but was worse when i was sitting/standing so laying was my only option. Just as I would start to feel better, and the cramping would slow down, of course I would have to go to the restroom. Then every time I got up to do that, the pain/cramping/discomfort would come back! It was a lose/lose situation... get up and hurt, or stay in bed and hold it and potentially get a bladder infection.
 
Well each day got a lil better. Tuesday I was still real crampy/sore and Wednesday too. Thursday came, and I started to feel a bit better and would only cramp every now and then, Friday the same, and then Saturday was a bit better. This has been off and on since the surgery. Thankfully the cramping has gone away, but still discomfort. Especially if I stand or sit too long. That puts extra pressure on my cervix so makes it even more sore. I pretty much have gone to work this week, and then gone straight home to lay down and not get up!!
 
Monday, August 30th, was 7 months since my angels entered this world. I was achy, sore, it was my first day back at work, and was VERY emotional for me. I just could not stop crying. I just wish my babies could have been saved. This is the worst pain I have ever had to deal with. Losing a child I would not wish upon anyone, even my worst enemy. As mentioned before though, I have sought a lot of comfort in speaking to my mom friends that have also experienced a loss. They were all there for me too after my surgery. I got e-mails and texts from each of them! I had an awesome support system during my recovery. It was just a VERY extremely emotional ride for me... and not only me, but for my husband too!!
 
The discomfort still comes and goes and the doctor said it will prob last for 3-4 WEEKS!!! crazy, but all worth it in the end!
 
After all that happened on Monday, Billy and I were just very nervous for baby # 3. We just wanted to make sure he/she was healthy. Well finally Tuesday, August 31st, had come and it was time for our cerclage check-up! We went in to the U/S room and the second the sonographer put the thing on my tummy, our beautiful baby pooped up on the screen and was very active! Our minds were at ease!! I asked about the heart and what not, and when could they tell how he/she was doing anatomy wise. We were told prob not til about 16-18 weeks, but she did look at the heart and could tell that our lil one had 4 healthy chambers!! dr P walked in and his first words were, Wow! Look at that profile, thats one cute baby! Of course he/she is!! Taylor and Riley were absolutely gorgeous and we know # 3 will be just as perfect!
 
We asked when can we find out the sex. The sonographer started to toy around and man o man 3 was not shy at all! Legs were spread wide open. DrP said he does not like making assumptions/guesses that early on, i am 14 weeks, but it was quite obvious we are having a baby BOY!!!! The sonographer said, "If its not a boy, then I have no idea what that is!!" and then the doctor explained that girls can sometimes be swollen, and it may look like a boy at that time, but once the baby gets bigger, the swelling goes down. Our sonographer agreed, but then said, "yeah thats true, but its not usually that big!" LOL. So we are pretty positive we are having a baby boy! 2 beautiful baby girls and now a handsome baby boy! we are beyond excited! Of course, we werent very biased as to the sex of this lil one, all we were/are praying for is full term and healthy!
 
If in fact 3 is a boy, his name will be Charles William Young III --after his grandpa and dad! And his nickname will be Three!! because he will be the 3rd CWY and our 3rd child! We are very excited!! Grandpa Abreu is already planning his baseball career, and Billys already been searching for yankees clothes! LOL.

August 12, 2010

This morning was my follow up doctor appointment, I am now 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant! Well, he stated that the baby looks good and measuring exactly what he should be measuring at 11 weeks!! Yay, good news for baby #3! The baby was moving all around and was extremely active! His/Her heart was beating at 171bpm, which they said was great! the heartbeat has increased since our last appointment, but i guess thats what its supposed to do?!

We discussed my surgery, cervical cerclage, and I will be having that done next Monday, the 23rd. SCARY! After many tears, discussing what happened to Taylor and Riley, and the difference in this pregnancy, I found that my cerclage will be done at a different OR than I went to with Riley,so I guess that will alleviate some of my stress seeing that same room again. The doctor also suggested that possibly, when it is time to deliver baby #3 that he ill do it in the same OR as Riley, so I can overcome that fear of being back in that room, and have a more positive memory of it. I dont know what i think about that yet, but obviously we have PLENTY of time!! The cerclage is supposed to help a lot, and if it holds (which it should and we are praying it does) then i may possibly have to have a c-section bc of the scar tissue. But we are all pushing to not have to have a c-section, so I guess we'll see as we get closer to the end!

I am very xcited, nervous, anxious for the procedure, but i know it will be all worth it in the end!!

On another note, I was not baptised as a child, and recently that has been something I have REALLY been wanting to do. So this Saturday, I will be getting baptised!! I am SO looking forward to taking this extra step in my faith and am really excited!

August 11, 2010

Can I just start off by saying, “UGH!!” So, I checked my mail the other day and found that I got ANOTHER bill for Riley from the hospital. However, I have yet to receive one for Taylor, but I’m sure that one will be following. Well, the bill was for $3K. I cannot imagine what each of them were charged for a total of $6K? I called the hospital billing department, and of course, that alone causes stress and anxiety. Well, I asked the gentleman to detail the services provided to Riley to explain to me what she was charged for. He read off the list 3 things; a nursery charge, a bed charge, and an assessment charge. SERIOUSLY? 1. They never went in to a nursery, so that is just absurd 2. a bed charge? For what? They did not stay in a “room” 3. an assessment charge? No one assessed them once they were born. Literally, I gave birth to Taylor and they handed her to me right away, then after I delivered Riley, they handed her to me right away… so therefore, what was assessed? I asked if they charged for say a morgue charge, bc the hospital had to keep the girls until the funeral home came to get them, and the billing department told me no, that they don’t charge for that. So what else could it be? The guy said he agreed with me, after I was completely flowing with tears having to detail to him what happened that day, and he said he was going to look in to this and call me back. So I guess we shall see from there.



On another note, I met with my 2 friends last night for dinner, Heather and April. Heather lost her baby girl, Abby, last November and April lost her baby boy, Patrick, November of 2008. Well every now and then Heather and I meet for lunch and catch up and talk about how each of us are holding up, and recently I have been talking with April, so I decided it’d be nice to bring all of us together! We had a great dinner and were able to really talk about how we are doing. Kind of like a mini therapy session. It’s always nice talking to other moms that have experienced a loss such as ours. I can say to you that I had a bad day, and you would probably take it as the typical “bad day”, yet when I tell one of the moms that I had a bad day, they know exactly what I mean… Its nice to know that I am not alone in the way that I am feeling. Yes, it has been a little over 6 months, but my day to day pain does not hurt any less.



I was talking to my sister about meeting with the girls and she was a little worried that it might not be too healthy for me to go and keep talking about this sadness, but I explained to her that it truly does help. These moms, and any mom that has lost a child, knows EXACTLY what it feels like to go through this. And yes, I can explain it to you and try to make you see where I am coming from, but in the end its still hard to truly know something unless you’ve been through it.



You go through something like this and for everyone else, life goes on, but for Billy and I, it’s so hard to just “go on.” We think about our girls and talk about our girls every day, every morning, every night. As April put it last night, “It’s all we know.”



Whenever I send out a birthday card to a friend or family member I ALWAYS include Taylor and Riley’s names in the signature. They are our daughters and will FOREVER be our daughters, and it just doesn’t feel right to me to leave them out. And everytime I go to sign the card I think to myself, “is this ok? Is this person going to think I am crazy?” But in the end I guess who cares, if it is what I feel is right, then who cares what they think.



On to Baby #3!!...



Well, I am 11 weeks and 1 day! I am loving every minute of being pregnant. As mentioned MANY times before , this pregnancy is completely different than the last in the way I am feeling. Yes, I am always tired, as I was with Taylor and Riley. But with Taylor and Riley during my first trimester I barely ate… nothing sounded good, and I was just never hungry. Well, this new lil one is way different! I want to eat anything and EVERYTHING. I am always hungry!! Thankfully all that is growing is my tummy, and it’s still not big! Literally, I can eat a full meal, and then an hour later be hungry again! Many say I’m probably having a boy bc my cravings are so different. I have to keep reminding them that last time I was also pregnant with TWINS so no matter what I am having, my cravings/body/entire pregnancy will be different with just one!



It’s funny bc some days my stomach seems bigger than others! It’s just the bloating that comes with being pregnant, but still its weird!



I go to see the doctor tomorrow morning and am excited for another ultrasound, but am a little nervous too, because tomorrow is when we plan for my surgery. Which I am assuming will be in 2 weeks.



Ill keep you posted on how everything goes!

July 28th

July 28, 2010

These past few weeks have been kind of tough. I was at Baby Place ( The hospital where I delivered Taylor and Riley) yesterday and as I was walking out there was a lady and her husband walking through with big smiles on their faces, as the dad was saying... "We're having a baby today!!" I know that I am pregnant again and am looking forward to our new addition, but I still think about my girls any time I see a pregnant lady, and especially at that moment in the hospital. I just saw the joy in the parents faces and couldnt help but think about the pain Billy and I had the moment we found out, "we are going to have our babies today." Nothing that day was happy for us... well except the part where we were able to hold our beautiful daughters for the first and only time that day. It brings back so much pain still to this day. My daughters would have been 6 months old this Friday.

Before I saw that happy couple, I was going down the elevator and saw a lady who had just had her baby... what was on her mind? Going downstairs to smoke a cigarette... Honestly, you are going to bring a new born in to that environment? I heard someone saying how there was a lady on the antepartum floor (so this means she was having complications and hadnt had her baby yet-- wether its preterm labor complications or something else, i do not know) and everyday she would walk down stairs to smoke... that just drives me crazy!! I was so good to my daughters, watched EVERTHING i did and EVERYTHING i ate to ensure their health and well being. I know it isnt right to judge other people, and the way they do things, but inside it just hurts so bad seeing what some pregnant women do, while others are trying so hard for their unborn child.

I then walked out to my car, and had to wait for the valet, while there were probably 6 pregnant women standing around outside... I guess the hospital was really busy that day. It just brings back reminders for me and is so hard. But then i stop and think, Im pregnant again, and this time we will have a better outcome, I just know it. Im still scared, i still cry ALL the time for my 2 angels, but I know nothing will ever bring them back and I need to accept things the way they are.

I dont know if its bc Im pregnant again, and emotions are flaring and increased or what but I have been crying a lot more recently. Its like I am on a roller coaster... and these past 6 months have been a LONG ride for me. At first it was shock and not accepting the reality, then it was the crying CONSTANTLY, then it was the "trying to get better" and now it going back to the crying constantly. I think its a combo between the loss of my girls and the anxiety/fear/worry for my new baby. I know stress isnt good for pregnancies, so i have been a lot better about trying to not get too stressed.

I am currently painting the angels i got for Taylor and Riley to put under their bench. so fasr they are adorable! But i def still have a long way to go. Painting helps me and allows me to have a few moments of peacefulness.

This past week I looked at the Chinese Birth Calendar. According to the one I saw, I am having another girl! I looked at it and did the test for Taylor and Riley, my sister and her 2 boys, my sister in law and her son, and my girlfriend and her son and so far everyone was accurate on that calendar... so I guess we shall see in September if its right or not!

Billy and I couldnt be happier for this baby. We are so anxious and happy and are looking forward to FEBRUARY!I will have my stitch removed the week of February 8th, so anytime after that I am ok to deliver. My due date is March 1st! So Im assuming my baby will be a February baby-- very close to his/her sisters.

So far I have been feeling good. Eating like CRAZY! its funny bc my last pregnancy i remember during my first trimester all i wanted was cereal and wasnt all that hungry... and now that i am only having ONE baby, Im eating everything in sight!! I have been on a HUGE fruit kick... so at least its healthy cravings! I havent gotten sick or nauseous, not even once, so knock on wood it stays that way! I have been really tired lately. But am hoping Ill start to get my energy back up in a few weeks.

July 21, 2010

July 21, 2010

Last Thursday, 7/15/10, We had our second appointment with Dr Prieto. We were really looking forward to this appointment, but didnt want to get our hopes up in case things were still too soon, and in case they were still not able to determine how many we were having. Well, the sonographer started her exam and heres what we saw... from my view, I saw nothing, it scared me to death... and from Billys view, he saw two sacks! So we both saw two different things and both were freaking out... but turns out the sonographer hadnt zoomed in on our baby yet... The moment we saw that ONE little heart beat, beating 131 bpm, that looked like a lil speck of rice the tears started flowing! Finally, we can rest at ease and know that we are only having one child this time and Taylor and Riley will soon be big sisters!

Its been a crazy road for us. And still it has been extremely hard. Its been almost 6 months and not a second goes by without our Taylor and Riley in our minds. I am still sleeping with their toys every night. Its amazing, our dogs sleep with us and never once have they tried to touch the girls' toys. Its like they know...

Our families are growing more and more each year, and this year God will have blessed us with our two beautiful babies, along with 3 cousins for Taylor and Riley... all boys!! Both my sister and sister in law are due in the fall. I am still unable to look at my nephews ultrasound pictures... I guess that is just something that has stuck with me. I am able to see my beautiful 3rd child's ultrasound though!! Every time I step in to that seat for an ultrasound, well its only been 2 times so far, my first thought is of my girls and then of course baby 3!

Family has asked if we are wanting a boy or girl... and of course... we dont care!! we just want this baby to stay in my tummy for at least 37 weeks!!!

If it is a boy, we will name him Charles William Young III and nickname him 3! Billy is the 2nd... so of course our first son will be named after his father and grandfather! The nickname is cute and would stand for two meanings, one would be the most obvious... he will be the 3rd CWY but the other meaning would be bc he would our 3rd child.

If God gives us the gift of another beautiful baby girl, we are still up in the air on a name. I was thinking Grace Anne, after her sisters, but of course... we have plenty of time to think about names!!

Billy and I will go back to the doctor on August 12th and that is when we will have all of the testing done for the baby. At that appointment we will also discuss a date for my cerclage surgery. Dr P has advised us that I will have to have a cerclage with everyone of my following pregnancies. My cerclage will prob be around the 23rd of August. I am extremely nervous, but know that it will be well worth it in the end.

I am a lil knowledgeable on what will take place for the surgery, and i think that is what has me the most nervous. I will be in the operating room, more than likely the same one as I was in for Riley. They will have to tie my legs up, just as they did with Riley, and of course the usual sanitary things... I know I will more than likely experience the "flash backs" of that day... but know that now I have the strength of my two angels watching me from up above and no matter how scared I will be, it will be well worth it in the end. The procedure will take 15-20 minutes... so hopefully everything goes as planned and I will be in and out of there! My AMAZING doctor will be the one putting in the stitch and will make sure he does it tight!!

At 37 weeks is when my doctor will remove the stitch and anytime after that I will go in to labor. Billy and I are praying the stitch holds and we will have our lil bundle of joy in our arms by late Feb - 1st week of March!

As of now, our doctor is exrtremely optimistic and being that i am pregnant with one baby this time makes things a lot more easier... so far, he does not want to put me on bed rest right away, and he will monitor me extremely closely the rest of my pregnancy!

Prayers, Prayers, Prayers!!

July 12-14

I started blogging my experience, i just didnt post it until now... so here it is! Our experience findng out we are having a third child!

July 12, 2010

I figured I would continue my blog, as it helps me look back on all of the emotions and memories I have had. My last blog was written on what was supposed to be my daughters due date.

The past month and a half have been a HUGE journey for Billy and I. We started off the month of June by taking a trip to Phoenix/Scottsdale, Arizona. It was an absolutely AMAZING trip... and also quite pricey!! I had never been before, and Billy was going for work, so we went up a few days early and spent some time together. We stayed at the W which was a beautiful hotel. WE shopped, ate tons, and did a little sight seeing. I also found my true love for cucumber martinis there!!

We went on a Hummer tour up the desert and got a lot of beautiful pictures. I also experienced eating cactus fries for the first time, and believe it or not, they were quite delicious! They were prickly pear cacti cut in to slivers and then fried... and it also came with prickly pear sauce!! Very Yummy!

We also went to a March of Dimes event in Tampa, at Tampa General. There was just us and one other family there as we were waiting to head up to the room where they were having the lil event. ** Side note, remember me blogging a while back about a mom that had twins and had a similar situation as I did, and she took the same meds and they helped prolong her labor for 10 weeks?** Well, that was the other family there, April, Patrick and their beautiful daughter Savannah! I finally got to meet April! It was nice catching up and discussing our stories, and we have kept in touch since that day...

I have also had the opportunity to meet with a few other moms that have also lost a child, and it helps knowing that you arent the only one feeling the way you do. Its almost as if we have exact stories on how we feel....

Now, Fathers Day was just around the corner, as well as Billys birthday. This was a HORRIBLE weekend for us. Not only were they reminders of what we were supposed to experience with our daughters, but Billys Uncle was also in Hospice during this time. Sunday was Fathers Day and of course Billy wasnt having too good of a day, neither was I. WE started the day off no where else but to go visit our girls. We brought them roses and were able to sit at their site and talk to them for a short while, after that We spent the afternoon having brunch with family and then decided to go home and take it easy for a while. The next day was Billys birthday. We were supposed to be spending this day with our girls. We had it all planned a long time ago, and kept thinking of how exciting it would be to have our first birthday celebrated with our twins...

Well on top of it being Billys birthday, we had some other bad news that day... Unfortunately, its a private topic, so I cannot share with all of you, but lets just say... our day didnt get any better.

A few days later I decided to take a pregnancy test. Billy and I had decided we were ready to start trying again. I took a test in May and also in April and was bummed out bc I wasnt pregnant. I began to see that i was becoming "fixated" on trying to conceive again and decided its better to let nature take its course and not fixate on this, it just wasnt healthy. I really wanted to take a test sooner, but decided i would wait until i missed a period. Well, sure enough I couldnt wait any longer, and i just had a feeling. Last time i was pregnant it was almost like my dog, Diamond, knew right away. She would act different, come around more, and she would love to just lay on top of my stomache... usually she lays down by my feet under the covers.

Well i took an EPT test and the test result was so light i couldnt tell if it was 2 lines, or one. Billy and I just kept staring at it.. Billy kept trying to pick it up to look at it closer, and i kept yelling at him to keep it flat so it would give it time to become more accurate!! well 10 minutes went by and the 2nd line was there but VERY light, so i called my brother in law over. He had NO clue what was going on... as soon as he came up the stairs in to the bedroom i had my camera on video taping him. I had him go in the bathroom, which he was very hesitant to do at first, and then i had him look at the test. I was so excited, and nervous, and everything all at once-- so was Billy. Well, Pat looked at it and said, "I think you better go get another test!" and then he proceeded to tell me not to get too excited and hype myself up bc the test didnt seem too clear...

I rushed to the car and drove to the Walgreens down the street and got a First Response test this time that says either pregnant or not pregnant. I tried chuggin down more water so i would be able to pee, and then took the test. Billy and I sat there for what felt like FOREVER! I was video taping Billy watching the test, and the lil hour glass keep blinking on the screen, and of course the second i stop recording the result appeared. Billy yelled, "Pregnant!" we were all very excited... and then the nerves set in... I was crying out of happiness, being scared, nervous, everything. and one of Billys remarks, of course after being very excited, was "Poor Taylor and Riley."

I know that our twin daughters will ALWAYS be with us and will forever live within our hearts. Not a day goes by that we dont think of them... or better yet, not a minute goes by we dont think of them... I have a tear in my eye just typing this. I still sleep with their toys every night and no matter where i stay, the toys are with me. I have not gone one night without sleeping with them... I also still wear the jewelry i have received with significance to my girls...


July 14th, Blog Continued...

Well, we of course shared our wonderful news with our family! Our first appointment was made for July 7th and boy oh boy was that a long 2 weeks of waiting full of anticipation!! We are going to the same doctor that delivered my beautiful Taylor and Riley. They were not who Billy and I started out our first pregnancy with, but they were the ones we chose for the delivery, and are so thankful to have met such an amazing doctor and his staff.

The day finally came and our appt was at 8:45am. We of course got there early and we werent seen until around 9:10. My favorite nurse, Rhonda, came and got us and she went to take my weight, blood pressure etc... at that moment everything started to sink in. The last time i was in that exact same chair was after i gave birth to my 2 beautiful angel babies. My emotions were all over the place. I, of course, started crying as we were all talking. When Rhonda went to take my blood pressure it was extremely high, due to my anxiety... she didnt feel comfortable writing that BP number down so she decided to wait until i calmed down a bit and retook it at the end of our appointment and of course it had gone down to a normal level. We went in the room and talked about our history and what not, and then we went to the ultrasound room. I was full of nerves!! Well bc i was so so far along they were not able to do an abdominal ultrasound. They started the ultrasound and the baby was extremely tiny. All we could see on the screen was a TINY Tiny heartbeat. I though all along i was about 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant, but it turned out, i was measuring more toward 5 weeks and 3 days. The heartbeat was so tiny and was beating around 130 bpm. However, bc it was so tiny... Dr P said i was like "2 minutes pregnant!" ... they could not take any measurements, the baby was too small. Most doctor offices do not see patients until they are around 8 weeks pregnant, bc by then they can usually get better measurements. But of course, Dr P let me come in earlier given my history... Well they also could not tell us how many babies we are having... Talk about STRESS!! I have been told, that if I have twins again, odds are not in my favor. We are praying for one, but we also know that God is on our side, and he will not give us anything we cannot handle, and I know I am in good hands and have the best medical care anyone could ask for, so whatever will be, will be.

Dr P said he wants to start seeing me weekly until he can get good measurements. My next appointment is Thursday, July 15th. Because they really couldnt tell us anything at our first appt bc the baby was so small, Billy and i have still been very nervous and anxious. This year has really taken a toll on Billy and I, and FINALLY we have some positive in our life again and are extremely blessed to have been able to conceive again. Dr P stated that I will have my Cervical Cerclage surgery when I am around 13-15 weeks. He said it is a short procedure, maybe 15-20min and then usually i will be able to go home after a few hours, or possibly the following day. After that Billy and I have talked about possibly moving in to his parents house, on the beach, bc the stairs in our house will not help my cervix! So we shall see about that.

I am so thankful for this new baby, but will never ever forget or stop thinking about my 2 first born. I know my girls are up in Heaven watching over us, and watching over there new baby brother or sister.

I am also happy that i did not conceive any sooner. I was told by some, including a family friend/doctor, that i should wait about 6 months to try again. Yet, I was also told by my OB and a Family OB that I can start trying as soon as I had a menstral cycle. Well, now i see why some suggest waiting longer. On one aspect, yes, my body would have been able to conceive another baby shortly after my birth to Taylor and Riley, but mentally I feel I personally would not have been ready. Some may be ready, but for me... even waiting 5 months... its been a toll of different kinds of emotions. I was getting better with my crying... and taking it one day at a time, but recently I have caught myself crying a lot. I am so happy for this new baby, and I am so ready for it, but at the same time I am so nervous, after what I went through, and I am so scared, and I am also missing my daughters even more thinking they will not be here to meet their little brother or sister... but i know they will be looking from up above and will be here with us through this whole journey in spirit. It's all just very hard, but very exciting... just a sea of emotions.

I was talking to my sister last night and I was telling her how I hear all of these pregnant women talking about different things, that i know can induce labor... A part of me feels that I should let each and every one of them know the risks in what theyre doing. But i know, what happened to me and Billy doesnt happen to everyone... so why should i put my opinions on their lives? I think what it is is that i was never told about the chance of preterm labor. My doctors never gave me any information on it, and that is one thing that NEVER crossed my mind. I feel that it should be the doctors obligation to tell you about it. So i feel that if I would have known, maybe things could be different, or if someone would have told me to watch out for things... its just hard seeing some of the things pregnant women do, and know taht they are putting their unborn child at risk... to me its not worth it.

I was also talking about how most pregnant women announce they are pregnant after 13 weeks. I look back and to me, now, 13 weeks really doesnt mean everything is ok... you CAN still have a miscarriage, you CAN still be suseptible to risks... theres a lot more to be scared about!!! There are so many moms out there that have lost a child/children to many different things... I guess knowing now what i know, things can be a little scarier.

On another note. I am feeling good! I think some of my aversions are starting to come back... When I was pregnant with my girls, I could not stand to eat meat! Especially Turkey. and I made a Turkey enchilada casserole the other day, and my turkey aversion is def. back!! No more turkey for me for while!!!

Announcement!

This is the e-mail we sent out to our family and friends!

To our friends and family,

These past 6 months have been really hard for Billy and I. After the loss of our daughters we have learned more about each others strength than we have ever known. We have also learned that we have a ton of support out there to help us through. After a few months we have decided that it was time to try and grow our family even more. Our doctors had explained to us that we could start trying again as soon as we were ready. June 20th was Billy's first Father's day and on the 21st was his 26th birthday. It was very rough for us celebrating these two events, our daughters were supposed to be here. Well, on the 23rd, we received a call first thing in the morning that Billys Uncle had passed away. It's like one thing after another was happening, of course our daughters death being the worst tragedy, and we were wondering when were we going to finally get good news? Well later that afternoon, I decided to take a pregnancy test. The first test was very light and the results were not very clear, so i took another one and sure enough, we are on to baby #3! Taylor and Riley will be big sisters!!!

We went to the doctor, our amazing doctor that delivered Taylor and Riley, and at our first appointment he was not able to tell how many we were having bc i was still very early on. Of course, Billy and I were scared, nervous, anxious, excited, every emotion you could possibly think of was going through us. We went back the following week and he was able to confirm ONE baby this time! That put us at ease.

I will have to go in for surgery at around 13-15 weeks, which will be around August 23rd, for them to sew my cervix. I will have to do this with every one of my following pregnancies. its a lil nerve racking, and will def bring up memories being in that operating room again, but with the strength of my husband behind me, along with friends family and GOD, and of course having my angels watching over me... i know I will get through it, it will be a success and will be well worth it for our 3rd child.

A few short weeks after that we will find out the sex of our lil one.

Our bright bundle of joy should be arriving late February early March.

I know most people share their news around 13 weeks, but to us, that is just a number, and as we know... anything can happen no matter how many weeks you are. The sooner we tell people the more prayers headed our way!

Thank you all for your support through everything. It means a lot, and we are definately looking forward to bringing a new addition to the Young family!

Love,
Ashley, Billy and of course our beautiful angels Taylor and Riley

P.S. - There are many moms and dad out there that Billy and I have met that have experienced what its like to be in our shoes, can you please keep them in your prayers as well?

Taylor and Riley's "original" due date- May 24, 2010

I have found that the majority of my blogs sound depressing, and I usually refrain from putting ALL of my feelings down bc I dont want to upset anyone or hurt anyone else's feelings if I mention them, etc. So eventually i will begin to write in a confidential journal that only I could read. This way I can vent all of my thoughts without worrying about what is "ok" to type and what really isnt.

So, here I begin one of my last "public- depressing" blogs.

Tonight I sit at my computer in so much pain. My daughters due date was supposed to be tomorrow. I ask God, "why?" "why cant it still be?" These past 3 and a half months have been horrible, and I wonder, will I ever be myself again? will i ever be happy again? will i ever stop picking on my husband for all the little things, bc i have no where else to vent this built up anger inside of me?

This weekend Billy and I spent at the beach. Our friends Pat and Jess came over and it was nice, to try and take my mind off the obvious for a bit. The second they left my life came back to reality. This whole weekend I have tried to put on a "game face" and have told myself I am never going to get any where if i keep dwelling on the past. and dwelling on what is no longer here. It is just so hard to do that. As the poem goes, "When you lose a child you have lost your future..." That is so true. Everything in our lives was based on taylor and riley. From the moment we were trying to conceive, to the day we found out the great news that I was pregnant, to the day we found out even better news that we were having twins, to the day we found out even better news, that they were girls. We changed our schedules, I planned on stopping work for a while to raise them, Billy saved as much vacation as possible from last year so his time could roll over to this year to spend more time with the girls, I mean everything in our "future" was planned for us. Now what do we have? A future of what should have been? I know they say, everything happens for a reason, and God has a plan, and theres a bigger picture to all of this... but that is SO easy to SAY. Until you have lived in our shoes, until you have experienced a pain so heart wrenching... you have no idea. What is this bigger picture planned for us? what time will tell? All time has told me is that I cannot bare any of this. It hurts. Time has told me that the second i think i am "dealing" with things, i start going downhill again... the second i try to think positive, i think back and wonder how can anything positive come out of losing a child, let alone two. Sure Taylor and Riley were only here on this earth for a short while, but they are OUR WORLD. our everything, and now I sit, as I did a few hours ago... and just stare at an empty bench, at a headstone full of flowers... that what I have. That and a few pictures that cant be blown up bc the majority of the pictures were taken from camera phones. That and a few foot prints, 2 tiny outfits, etc. I would give up ALL of those things, I would give up anything just for one more second with them. Just to be able to fully share with them how much I love them, how long i waited for them. I was in so much pain on January 30th that it overcame my joy of meeting my daughters for the first time.

Tonight, around 9pm, I just grabbed my keys, opened the garage, jumped in my truck, and was stopped by my husband wondering where the heck i was going. I had NEVER done this before, I just wanted to go sit with my girls. Just me and them. Billy of course begged me not to go, but ultimately he could see the pain behind my eyes, and knew he had to let me go. I just wanted to be alone, just me and them. i drove to the cemetery, pulled my truck facing their site, so the head lights could stay on and shine on the site while i sat there, next to them, completely broken. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to bring them back. I just need to suck it up and face reality... but to me I would rather be blinded by it. Eventually, I got back in the truck and started to drive off, but just wasnt ready yet, so i stopped driving and sat and faced their site and talked to them a bit more. Theres 2 windmills that I have by their headstone, and as I sat talking to them, farther away from the truck, one of the windmills started spinning, and caught the light of the moon and was shining. Anytime i would say something, and then stop, the windmill would shine and start spinning again. Call me crazy, but i believe in signs and think this was a sign that they an hear me, no matter how far they are. I drove out of the cemetery and then turned around again, to just sit with them a little while longer. People must have thought I was nuts! Who cares? Im done with caring what other people think, Im done caring about how strong I used to be... Im done trying to put up a front... Yes, I have good days and I have bad days... but I never have an extremely happy day. will those days ever come back to me? Who knows.

I see everyone around me so happy. It's either this friend got engaged, or this friend is getting married, or this friend is having a baby, or this friend just had a baby... all of those happy days that Billy and I used to have are gone now.

Its so easy to see how soon people forget. Sure youre around right when things happen, but as time goes by, people start "forgetting" that feeling, that pain they felt that day at the funeral... Well, Billy and I havent forgotten, we live with that pain everyday.

As Billy has said over and over, he has to "deal" with me, and make sure Im ok... and people worry about me... but who is really thinking about him? Well, of course I am, but I am not going to lie, I have drained everything out of him... I have taken this so hard, that I am being selfish and I am "stealing the spotlight"... well wheres his? How fair is it for me to do this to him? I am just not strong enough to handle both, I can barely handle myself. I feel horrible for all of this pressure I put on him day in and day out... its just so hard to control at times. I can see that his pain is getting worse everyday as well and theres only so much he can hold in. I feel so bad for all of this.

I find it funny how when some people hear of our situation they become mute, some people say sorry and thats it, some people just stare at you and you can tell they are extremely uncomfortable, some people dont even want to try and understand, and then you have those people who try and compare completely off the wall stories with you on how they have "experienced" pain like this... Last night as we were with a group of older people, and it came mention to what happened with us one lady began to "share" her story with me on how her husband's son was born premature, at 4 months, and he was so tiny he could fit in one hand... UGH!!! that kills me the most is when people try to relate... I felt like saying, first off lady, it wasnt your child, so there is no way you can feel my pain, second off, there is no way your step son was born at 4 months and survived...organs arent even developed until 24 weeks. Then her friend felt compelled to share her story on how her husband, who was previously married, had twins that dies prematurely and then had twins again and only one made it the second time. The way she was telling "his" story was like nothing... its just like really? really people? what exactly would you like me to say to you? Neither one of them went through this... their husbands did and yet they felt compelled to share stories that were not completely accurate to someone that just went through all of this. That kills me more when people
"think" they know more than you on a subject that you have just experienced first hand... and the extremes they go too... like saying he was born at 4 months? You know I have talked to so many moms and dads that have experienced losing a child and not one of them act like these ladies did. Instead they try and let you know that they are there for you and can relate to how you feel...

Without all of these moms I dont know where Id be... They have been so encouraging and do helpful and are always there to listen.

Needless to say, tonight has been one of the bad ones... tomorrow will prob be just as worse. Tomorrow was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives, and now its one of the saddest.

I look to God for strength and some sort of encouragement. This is something WE will pull through, and we will do it together.

*Sigh* Now I feel better, I got a lot of this out!!! G'Night!

May 20, 2010

As the days near closer to the 24th, I have been having more anxiety, and more bad days. I have been getting mad at the littlest things. Many people have asked me about Taylor and Riley's due date, most may remember it was originally June 7th. However, because I was having twins, my doctor said that he would induce me May 24th if I hadn't delivered by then. I would have been 38 weeks at that time and it would have been fine for them to come. Billy gets upset with me for dwelling on that date, bc most women do not deliver on their original due date, and since the girls were already born, May 24th is no longer their "due date", but to me that date is a reminder of "what should have been". If I had made it to next week my girls would have been fine, and come time for Billy's birthday, he would have had 2 beautiful girls to sit and watch him open his gifts, to hug and kiss him, to be there filling our lives with so much joy and so many momentous occassions. Instead, they are now in Heaven. Sure they will be there in spirit, but the pain of me wanting to hold them in my arms lingers.

Many say that the days will soon get easier to handle, not forget, but handle. I have yet to see those days. And dont think I will for some time now.

Their clothes are still hanging in their closet. The basket full of "baby goodies" is still sitting by the door with their 2 baby bibs that read, "Daddy's Angels". Who would have thought that saying would be more true? Now they are Daddy's Angels, Literally. How fair is that? How fair is it that other moms get to enjoy their children, while mine rest peacefully in Heaven? I guess we can be reminded that yes, they are peaceful now.

Last Friday I went down to the Social Security office and FINALLY applied for their Social Security Numbers. I had to wait for a few things before I could actually apply. We should be getting them in 2-3 weeks. What a horrible day that was.

Constantly I am getting reminders that they are no longer with us. This happened almost 4 months ago and yet things still arent complete for them. It's amazing how much work and stress goes in to the process of having your baby die.

On another note, my brother-in-law, Pat, bought the girls a bench for their site. It just came in and is PERFECT! It reads, "MY BEAUTIFUL NIECES, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH." It was very sweet of him to do that for the girls. Now we have a place to sit while we visit (which might I add is VERY often!) When I walked out and saw the bench I was so happy it was FINALLY there! We have been wiating on it for 3 months now, and now their site is finally complete! Walking away from the site brought me to tears. Driving back to work I couldnt fight off the tears. It still pains me, almost like the wounds are brand new. As mentioned in one of my previous blogs, who would ever think they would look forward to the day that the site for their child/children was complete. This brought me some reassurance that they are gone, they arent coming back. i dream at night and imagine what it would have been like had things turned out for the better, but that is not a reality for me.. it is but yet a dream.

I am still getting things in the mail and constant e-mails reminding me how many weeks i would have been. Just the other day I recieved 2 cans of baby formula in the mail. These are reminders I would like to go away to say the least! The reminders I love receiving are cards from friends! The other day I looked in the mail and found a card from one of my sorority sisters I hadn't seen in a while. Probably since I graduated in 2005!! Well, I opened it up and it was a gift card from 7 of my sorority sisters, and it read "Have a date night out on us!" That was so sweet. I was shocked and humbled at the same time. I was close to these girls in college, but through the years we have all lost touch, and for them to think of me brought me to tears! Thank you Leah, Brittany, Keri, Christi, Casey, Breana, and Katie!

My sorority is a SISTERHOOD and we will always be there for each other, and nothing proved that more than this year having to go through this. So many of my sisters have reached out to Billy and I. So many have donated to the March of Dimes or sent us cards and e-mails. "OBIC" is there for a reason and I truly believe that. I know Taylor and Riley are up in Heaven joined with all of the other ADPI's that have passed away.

My blogs arent as common as they used to be. It seems as if my days remain busy, but now i keep a lil journal to post notes in it on what i am thinking. That also helps me.

Some Positivity for the night... One of my sorority sisters has been going through the adoption process. She has been trying to adopt a baby from Ethiopia and YAY, she finally received news that her baby boy was born. She is going to go visit him in the next few weeks, and hopes to bring him home in the next few months. She posted a video of her and her husband seeing their son for the first time through a picture, and you could totally grasp the joy, love and happiness in their faces. Watching the video brought my tears rolling! I am so happy for them, but watching their video also pained me a bit. I was so happy when I met my daughters for the first time, but my happines was overcome with pain. I had tears of joy and tears of hurt all that day. Tears of joy and tears of pain still today.

The first of many painful Mother's days...

Tonight i sit at my computer completely missing my husband, and even more my daughters. I was feeling a little too tired to blog, but my tears wouldnt stop, so thought this might help release some anxiety. I left Saturday for a vacation with my family. My mom, dad, sisters and their significant others and my hubby. Billy and i had discussed if I wanted to go away given what weekend it was, but i decided that it would prob be better to be away than to just sit and be upset at home all day Sunday, Mothers day. On Saturday we started our departure for our lil vacation... and the first stop, was of course, to see my angels. I wanted to give them a little somethiing before i left for a few days, so i took them two beautiful balloons. One was a precious moments balloon and the other a balloon that said, "Its a girl!" I wrote a note on each balloon for the girls. It pained me to much to do that... but it was my way of saying that i was thinking of them. I cried so hard tying the balloons to the vase on their head stone. I am crying so hard just writing this. Who would have thought that i would be trying to send my love to my daughters through a balloon and not through hugs and kisses?

I really had no idea what Sunday would have been like for me... i can tell you this though, i wanst looking forward to it.

I woke up Sunday morning to a phone full of text messages. I remember i had rolled over and thought to myself, "i really do not want to get up today, and i really do not want to face what today is..." But eventually, around 10 I pulled myself up. My family was all in the living room of the condo on the beach, and they all wished me a happy mothers day. I kind of took that with a grain of salt. I then walked outside to find my husband talking to his mom. He handed me the phone and my mother in law wished me a happy mothers day, you could hear the pain behind her voice as her words crackled when she said them to me. She could feel some what of my pain... and just that early it was a hard day for her too... i couldnt say anything back but a weak, "Happy mothers day to you too..." as i passed the phone back to billy with my eyes full of tears. I went inside, my mom had made a breakfast casserole for us all... i sat on the couch and my mom began to give me my gifts... it hurt so bad knowing i was getting gifts for being a mom, when my children werent even there to share in that moment. Well, I guess they were there, watching from up above. My mom gave me here gift and i was able to get through that, and then i started to open the gift from my aunt, Tia Chucha, and i had to set the card down and take a deep breathe. Then I finally was able to open her gift, it was a beautiful necklace with a pendant that read, " A mother holds her child's hand for a short while, but their hearts forever." It is beautiful. Then I began to open my gifts from my husband and of course, my dogs and most importantly Taylor and Riley. Joba and Diamond got me chopsticks that I have been wanting! LOL... Billy got me a Dolce and Gabbana watch and a hand mixer... and then he gave me my gift from my girls, it was the most beautiful gift... a pendant of a mother and twins... It was beautiful... i had seen this pendant before, and really liked it, but i always only saw it with one baby... never a mother and her twins... leave it to my husband to find the perfect gift!

Throughout the day I recieved tons of calls, texts, e-mails, but i was just not up to really talking to anyone... I have a ton of calls to return!! I was very thankful to have so many people thinking of me and my girls... i am truly blessed.

Mothers day was extremely hard... but i was able to manage pretty well given the circumstances.

Monday morning my hubby had to leave for work. I took him to the airport at 4:30am. I was happy he was able to spend mothers day with me, and saturday.

Today I came home from the beach and was completely embraced by my girls as i walked in. I love having their BEAUTIFUL pictures up. They are so welcoming when i walk in to my house. I have had it hard tonight... Missing my hubby a lot. He has been my backbone through this all. Cant wait to have him back on Thursday!

For those that dont know, Billy and I have had numerous conversations on when to try for another child, and we both decided we are ready. We are putting it in God's hands, and are not putting a rush to when HE feels the time is right.

This month was the girls original due date... May 24th to be exact. It hurts thinking they should be here, but i know they are peaceful in Heaven... and thats what i try to remind myself every time i get upset.

I feel that some people just cant grasp what is gone... they cant grasp the emptiness i feel, the emptiness my husband and i both share. Maybe in time it will become understandable, maybe not... All I know is that I miss my daughters more than anyone can imagine, and i love them more than anything.

Here's a Picture of the frame we got Billy's mom for Mother'd Day, she loved it!

"I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel

A new song that hits home...

It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Is just the way that we are tied in
But there's no one home
I grieve for you
And you leave me
So hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
Say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on
The news that truly shocks
Is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks
Its empty, empty cage
And I can't handle this
I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
Say life carries on
Say life carries on and on and on
Life carries on in the people I meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rod and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Just the car that we ride in
The home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
As life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Did I dream this belief
Or did I believe this dream
Now I will find relief
I grieve

It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Is just the way that you were tied in
Now there's no one home

I grieve for you
And you leave me

It's so hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
And still life carries on
Carries on and on, and on, and on

The news that truly shocks
Is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks
Its empty, empty cage
And I can't handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me

Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on, and on, and on

Life carries on in the people I meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on, and on, and on
Life carries on and on, and on

It's just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on, and on, and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief
Or did I believe this dream
Now I can find relief

I grieve