Tonight i sit at my computer completely missing my husband, and even more my daughters. I was feeling a little too tired to blog, but my tears wouldnt stop, so thought this might help release some anxiety. I left Saturday for a vacation with my family. My mom, dad, sisters and their significant others and my hubby. Billy and i had discussed if I wanted to go away given what weekend it was, but i decided that it would prob be better to be away than to just sit and be upset at home all day Sunday, Mothers day. On Saturday we started our departure for our lil vacation... and the first stop, was of course, to see my angels. I wanted to give them a little somethiing before i left for a few days, so i took them two beautiful balloons. One was a precious moments balloon and the other a balloon that said, "Its a girl!" I wrote a note on each balloon for the girls. It pained me to much to do that... but it was my way of saying that i was thinking of them. I cried so hard tying the balloons to the vase on their head stone. I am crying so hard just writing this. Who would have thought that i would be trying to send my love to my daughters through a balloon and not through hugs and kisses?
I really had no idea what Sunday would have been like for me... i can tell you this though, i wanst looking forward to it.
I woke up Sunday morning to a phone full of text messages. I remember i had rolled over and thought to myself, "i really do not want to get up today, and i really do not want to face what today is..." But eventually, around 10 I pulled myself up. My family was all in the living room of the condo on the beach, and they all wished me a happy mothers day. I kind of took that with a grain of salt. I then walked outside to find my husband talking to his mom. He handed me the phone and my mother in law wished me a happy mothers day, you could hear the pain behind her voice as her words crackled when she said them to me. She could feel some what of my pain... and just that early it was a hard day for her too... i couldnt say anything back but a weak, "Happy mothers day to you too..." as i passed the phone back to billy with my eyes full of tears. I went inside, my mom had made a breakfast casserole for us all... i sat on the couch and my mom began to give me my gifts... it hurt so bad knowing i was getting gifts for being a mom, when my children werent even there to share in that moment. Well, I guess they were there, watching from up above. My mom gave me here gift and i was able to get through that, and then i started to open the gift from my aunt, Tia Chucha, and i had to set the card down and take a deep breathe. Then I finally was able to open her gift, it was a beautiful necklace with a pendant that read, " A mother holds her child's hand for a short while, but their hearts forever." It is beautiful. Then I began to open my gifts from my husband and of course, my dogs and most importantly Taylor and Riley. Joba and Diamond got me chopsticks that I have been wanting! LOL... Billy got me a Dolce and Gabbana watch and a hand mixer... and then he gave me my gift from my girls, it was the most beautiful gift... a pendant of a mother and twins... It was beautiful... i had seen this pendant before, and really liked it, but i always only saw it with one baby... never a mother and her twins... leave it to my husband to find the perfect gift!
Throughout the day I recieved tons of calls, texts, e-mails, but i was just not up to really talking to anyone... I have a ton of calls to return!! I was very thankful to have so many people thinking of me and my girls... i am truly blessed.
Mothers day was extremely hard... but i was able to manage pretty well given the circumstances.
Monday morning my hubby had to leave for work. I took him to the airport at 4:30am. I was happy he was able to spend mothers day with me, and saturday.
Today I came home from the beach and was completely embraced by my girls as i walked in. I love having their BEAUTIFUL pictures up. They are so welcoming when i walk in to my house. I have had it hard tonight... Missing my hubby a lot. He has been my backbone through this all. Cant wait to have him back on Thursday!
For those that dont know, Billy and I have had numerous conversations on when to try for another child, and we both decided we are ready. We are putting it in God's hands, and are not putting a rush to when HE feels the time is right.
This month was the girls original due date... May 24th to be exact. It hurts thinking they should be here, but i know they are peaceful in Heaven... and thats what i try to remind myself every time i get upset.
I feel that some people just cant grasp what is gone... they cant grasp the emptiness i feel, the emptiness my husband and i both share. Maybe in time it will become understandable, maybe not... All I know is that I miss my daughters more than anyone can imagine, and i love them more than anything.
Here's a Picture of the frame we got Billy's mom for Mother'd Day, she loved it!
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Ashley, I'm sorry for all of the pain that you and Billy have gone through. It's just amazing to me the strength you both have. I've never known anyone that has lost a child, and sometimes I just don't know what to say - but please know that I think and pray for you often. After reading your last post, I can't believe that with all you were going through and feeling, you still send me a Mother's Day card. I didn't respond that day because I felt it was probably a very rough day for you, but again, you were in my thoughts. I know someday you'll have a Mother's Day filled with giggling children, home-made cards, backyard flowers and burned toast :) It really helps to read your blog, to understand what you're going through; I just cannot imagine. I also had no idea of what you had to go through with the insurance; that is just insane - I'm glad you were able to get it resolved. I'm looking forward to our trip to Arizona; it will be nice to spend some relaxing time with you. There's a fun tubing trip down the Salt River that we were thinking about doing on Sat or Sun. Oh, and you must come over sometime soon for the Mother's Day breakfast martini Kevin made for me - peanut butter and jelly chocotini! My kids are too lazy to cook but I did shame them into doing the dishes :) Love you!!
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