This morning was my follow up doctor appointment, I am now 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant! Well, he stated that the baby looks good and measuring exactly what he should be measuring at 11 weeks!! Yay, good news for baby #3! The baby was moving all around and was extremely active! His/Her heart was beating at 171bpm, which they said was great! the heartbeat has increased since our last appointment, but i guess thats what its supposed to do?!
We discussed my surgery, cervical cerclage, and I will be having that done next Monday, the 23rd. SCARY! After many tears, discussing what happened to Taylor and Riley, and the difference in this pregnancy, I found that my cerclage will be done at a different OR than I went to with Riley,so I guess that will alleviate some of my stress seeing that same room again. The doctor also suggested that possibly, when it is time to deliver baby #3 that he ill do it in the same OR as Riley, so I can overcome that fear of being back in that room, and have a more positive memory of it. I dont know what i think about that yet, but obviously we have PLENTY of time!! The cerclage is supposed to help a lot, and if it holds (which it should and we are praying it does) then i may possibly have to have a c-section bc of the scar tissue. But we are all pushing to not have to have a c-section, so I guess we'll see as we get closer to the end!
I am very xcited, nervous, anxious for the procedure, but i know it will be all worth it in the end!!
On another note, I was not baptised as a child, and recently that has been something I have REALLY been wanting to do. So this Saturday, I will be getting baptised!! I am SO looking forward to taking this extra step in my faith and am really excited!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
August 11, 2010
Can I just start off by saying, “UGH!!” So, I checked my mail the other day and found that I got ANOTHER bill for Riley from the hospital. However, I have yet to receive one for Taylor, but I’m sure that one will be following. Well, the bill was for $3K. I cannot imagine what each of them were charged for a total of $6K? I called the hospital billing department, and of course, that alone causes stress and anxiety. Well, I asked the gentleman to detail the services provided to Riley to explain to me what she was charged for. He read off the list 3 things; a nursery charge, a bed charge, and an assessment charge. SERIOUSLY? 1. They never went in to a nursery, so that is just absurd 2. a bed charge? For what? They did not stay in a “room” 3. an assessment charge? No one assessed them once they were born. Literally, I gave birth to Taylor and they handed her to me right away, then after I delivered Riley, they handed her to me right away… so therefore, what was assessed? I asked if they charged for say a morgue charge, bc the hospital had to keep the girls until the funeral home came to get them, and the billing department told me no, that they don’t charge for that. So what else could it be? The guy said he agreed with me, after I was completely flowing with tears having to detail to him what happened that day, and he said he was going to look in to this and call me back. So I guess we shall see from there.
On another note, I met with my 2 friends last night for dinner, Heather and April. Heather lost her baby girl, Abby, last November and April lost her baby boy, Patrick, November of 2008. Well every now and then Heather and I meet for lunch and catch up and talk about how each of us are holding up, and recently I have been talking with April, so I decided it’d be nice to bring all of us together! We had a great dinner and were able to really talk about how we are doing. Kind of like a mini therapy session. It’s always nice talking to other moms that have experienced a loss such as ours. I can say to you that I had a bad day, and you would probably take it as the typical “bad day”, yet when I tell one of the moms that I had a bad day, they know exactly what I mean… Its nice to know that I am not alone in the way that I am feeling. Yes, it has been a little over 6 months, but my day to day pain does not hurt any less.
I was talking to my sister about meeting with the girls and she was a little worried that it might not be too healthy for me to go and keep talking about this sadness, but I explained to her that it truly does help. These moms, and any mom that has lost a child, knows EXACTLY what it feels like to go through this. And yes, I can explain it to you and try to make you see where I am coming from, but in the end its still hard to truly know something unless you’ve been through it.
You go through something like this and for everyone else, life goes on, but for Billy and I, it’s so hard to just “go on.” We think about our girls and talk about our girls every day, every morning, every night. As April put it last night, “It’s all we know.”
Whenever I send out a birthday card to a friend or family member I ALWAYS include Taylor and Riley’s names in the signature. They are our daughters and will FOREVER be our daughters, and it just doesn’t feel right to me to leave them out. And everytime I go to sign the card I think to myself, “is this ok? Is this person going to think I am crazy?” But in the end I guess who cares, if it is what I feel is right, then who cares what they think.
On to Baby #3!!...
Well, I am 11 weeks and 1 day! I am loving every minute of being pregnant. As mentioned MANY times before , this pregnancy is completely different than the last in the way I am feeling. Yes, I am always tired, as I was with Taylor and Riley. But with Taylor and Riley during my first trimester I barely ate… nothing sounded good, and I was just never hungry. Well, this new lil one is way different! I want to eat anything and EVERYTHING. I am always hungry!! Thankfully all that is growing is my tummy, and it’s still not big! Literally, I can eat a full meal, and then an hour later be hungry again! Many say I’m probably having a boy bc my cravings are so different. I have to keep reminding them that last time I was also pregnant with TWINS so no matter what I am having, my cravings/body/entire pregnancy will be different with just one!
It’s funny bc some days my stomach seems bigger than others! It’s just the bloating that comes with being pregnant, but still its weird!
I go to see the doctor tomorrow morning and am excited for another ultrasound, but am a little nervous too, because tomorrow is when we plan for my surgery. Which I am assuming will be in 2 weeks.
Ill keep you posted on how everything goes!
On another note, I met with my 2 friends last night for dinner, Heather and April. Heather lost her baby girl, Abby, last November and April lost her baby boy, Patrick, November of 2008. Well every now and then Heather and I meet for lunch and catch up and talk about how each of us are holding up, and recently I have been talking with April, so I decided it’d be nice to bring all of us together! We had a great dinner and were able to really talk about how we are doing. Kind of like a mini therapy session. It’s always nice talking to other moms that have experienced a loss such as ours. I can say to you that I had a bad day, and you would probably take it as the typical “bad day”, yet when I tell one of the moms that I had a bad day, they know exactly what I mean… Its nice to know that I am not alone in the way that I am feeling. Yes, it has been a little over 6 months, but my day to day pain does not hurt any less.
I was talking to my sister about meeting with the girls and she was a little worried that it might not be too healthy for me to go and keep talking about this sadness, but I explained to her that it truly does help. These moms, and any mom that has lost a child, knows EXACTLY what it feels like to go through this. And yes, I can explain it to you and try to make you see where I am coming from, but in the end its still hard to truly know something unless you’ve been through it.
You go through something like this and for everyone else, life goes on, but for Billy and I, it’s so hard to just “go on.” We think about our girls and talk about our girls every day, every morning, every night. As April put it last night, “It’s all we know.”
Whenever I send out a birthday card to a friend or family member I ALWAYS include Taylor and Riley’s names in the signature. They are our daughters and will FOREVER be our daughters, and it just doesn’t feel right to me to leave them out. And everytime I go to sign the card I think to myself, “is this ok? Is this person going to think I am crazy?” But in the end I guess who cares, if it is what I feel is right, then who cares what they think.
On to Baby #3!!...
Well, I am 11 weeks and 1 day! I am loving every minute of being pregnant. As mentioned MANY times before , this pregnancy is completely different than the last in the way I am feeling. Yes, I am always tired, as I was with Taylor and Riley. But with Taylor and Riley during my first trimester I barely ate… nothing sounded good, and I was just never hungry. Well, this new lil one is way different! I want to eat anything and EVERYTHING. I am always hungry!! Thankfully all that is growing is my tummy, and it’s still not big! Literally, I can eat a full meal, and then an hour later be hungry again! Many say I’m probably having a boy bc my cravings are so different. I have to keep reminding them that last time I was also pregnant with TWINS so no matter what I am having, my cravings/body/entire pregnancy will be different with just one!
It’s funny bc some days my stomach seems bigger than others! It’s just the bloating that comes with being pregnant, but still its weird!
I go to see the doctor tomorrow morning and am excited for another ultrasound, but am a little nervous too, because tomorrow is when we plan for my surgery. Which I am assuming will be in 2 weeks.
Ill keep you posted on how everything goes!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
July 28th
July 28, 2010
These past few weeks have been kind of tough. I was at Baby Place ( The hospital where I delivered Taylor and Riley) yesterday and as I was walking out there was a lady and her husband walking through with big smiles on their faces, as the dad was saying... "We're having a baby today!!" I know that I am pregnant again and am looking forward to our new addition, but I still think about my girls any time I see a pregnant lady, and especially at that moment in the hospital. I just saw the joy in the parents faces and couldnt help but think about the pain Billy and I had the moment we found out, "we are going to have our babies today." Nothing that day was happy for us... well except the part where we were able to hold our beautiful daughters for the first and only time that day. It brings back so much pain still to this day. My daughters would have been 6 months old this Friday.
Before I saw that happy couple, I was going down the elevator and saw a lady who had just had her baby... what was on her mind? Going downstairs to smoke a cigarette... Honestly, you are going to bring a new born in to that environment? I heard someone saying how there was a lady on the antepartum floor (so this means she was having complications and hadnt had her baby yet-- wether its preterm labor complications or something else, i do not know) and everyday she would walk down stairs to smoke... that just drives me crazy!! I was so good to my daughters, watched EVERTHING i did and EVERYTHING i ate to ensure their health and well being. I know it isnt right to judge other people, and the way they do things, but inside it just hurts so bad seeing what some pregnant women do, while others are trying so hard for their unborn child.
I then walked out to my car, and had to wait for the valet, while there were probably 6 pregnant women standing around outside... I guess the hospital was really busy that day. It just brings back reminders for me and is so hard. But then i stop and think, Im pregnant again, and this time we will have a better outcome, I just know it. Im still scared, i still cry ALL the time for my 2 angels, but I know nothing will ever bring them back and I need to accept things the way they are.
I dont know if its bc Im pregnant again, and emotions are flaring and increased or what but I have been crying a lot more recently. Its like I am on a roller coaster... and these past 6 months have been a LONG ride for me. At first it was shock and not accepting the reality, then it was the crying CONSTANTLY, then it was the "trying to get better" and now it going back to the crying constantly. I think its a combo between the loss of my girls and the anxiety/fear/worry for my new baby. I know stress isnt good for pregnancies, so i have been a lot better about trying to not get too stressed.
I am currently painting the angels i got for Taylor and Riley to put under their bench. so fasr they are adorable! But i def still have a long way to go. Painting helps me and allows me to have a few moments of peacefulness.
This past week I looked at the Chinese Birth Calendar. According to the one I saw, I am having another girl! I looked at it and did the test for Taylor and Riley, my sister and her 2 boys, my sister in law and her son, and my girlfriend and her son and so far everyone was accurate on that calendar... so I guess we shall see in September if its right or not!
Billy and I couldnt be happier for this baby. We are so anxious and happy and are looking forward to FEBRUARY!I will have my stitch removed the week of February 8th, so anytime after that I am ok to deliver. My due date is March 1st! So Im assuming my baby will be a February baby-- very close to his/her sisters.
So far I have been feeling good. Eating like CRAZY! its funny bc my last pregnancy i remember during my first trimester all i wanted was cereal and wasnt all that hungry... and now that i am only having ONE baby, Im eating everything in sight!! I have been on a HUGE fruit kick... so at least its healthy cravings! I havent gotten sick or nauseous, not even once, so knock on wood it stays that way! I have been really tired lately. But am hoping Ill start to get my energy back up in a few weeks.
These past few weeks have been kind of tough. I was at Baby Place ( The hospital where I delivered Taylor and Riley) yesterday and as I was walking out there was a lady and her husband walking through with big smiles on their faces, as the dad was saying... "We're having a baby today!!" I know that I am pregnant again and am looking forward to our new addition, but I still think about my girls any time I see a pregnant lady, and especially at that moment in the hospital. I just saw the joy in the parents faces and couldnt help but think about the pain Billy and I had the moment we found out, "we are going to have our babies today." Nothing that day was happy for us... well except the part where we were able to hold our beautiful daughters for the first and only time that day. It brings back so much pain still to this day. My daughters would have been 6 months old this Friday.
Before I saw that happy couple, I was going down the elevator and saw a lady who had just had her baby... what was on her mind? Going downstairs to smoke a cigarette... Honestly, you are going to bring a new born in to that environment? I heard someone saying how there was a lady on the antepartum floor (so this means she was having complications and hadnt had her baby yet-- wether its preterm labor complications or something else, i do not know) and everyday she would walk down stairs to smoke... that just drives me crazy!! I was so good to my daughters, watched EVERTHING i did and EVERYTHING i ate to ensure their health and well being. I know it isnt right to judge other people, and the way they do things, but inside it just hurts so bad seeing what some pregnant women do, while others are trying so hard for their unborn child.
I then walked out to my car, and had to wait for the valet, while there were probably 6 pregnant women standing around outside... I guess the hospital was really busy that day. It just brings back reminders for me and is so hard. But then i stop and think, Im pregnant again, and this time we will have a better outcome, I just know it. Im still scared, i still cry ALL the time for my 2 angels, but I know nothing will ever bring them back and I need to accept things the way they are.
I dont know if its bc Im pregnant again, and emotions are flaring and increased or what but I have been crying a lot more recently. Its like I am on a roller coaster... and these past 6 months have been a LONG ride for me. At first it was shock and not accepting the reality, then it was the crying CONSTANTLY, then it was the "trying to get better" and now it going back to the crying constantly. I think its a combo between the loss of my girls and the anxiety/fear/worry for my new baby. I know stress isnt good for pregnancies, so i have been a lot better about trying to not get too stressed.
I am currently painting the angels i got for Taylor and Riley to put under their bench. so fasr they are adorable! But i def still have a long way to go. Painting helps me and allows me to have a few moments of peacefulness.
This past week I looked at the Chinese Birth Calendar. According to the one I saw, I am having another girl! I looked at it and did the test for Taylor and Riley, my sister and her 2 boys, my sister in law and her son, and my girlfriend and her son and so far everyone was accurate on that calendar... so I guess we shall see in September if its right or not!
Billy and I couldnt be happier for this baby. We are so anxious and happy and are looking forward to FEBRUARY!I will have my stitch removed the week of February 8th, so anytime after that I am ok to deliver. My due date is March 1st! So Im assuming my baby will be a February baby-- very close to his/her sisters.
So far I have been feeling good. Eating like CRAZY! its funny bc my last pregnancy i remember during my first trimester all i wanted was cereal and wasnt all that hungry... and now that i am only having ONE baby, Im eating everything in sight!! I have been on a HUGE fruit kick... so at least its healthy cravings! I havent gotten sick or nauseous, not even once, so knock on wood it stays that way! I have been really tired lately. But am hoping Ill start to get my energy back up in a few weeks.
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