The days leading up to my daughters 1 year ANGELversary have been very difficult. I woke up yesterday morning in tears. It's so hard to grasp that they arent here, and while I should be throwing them their first birthday party, instead I am having to visit their grave. It still at time doesn't seem real. Last night I came home from work and just sat on the couch with my doggies and cried. I tried distracting myself with the TV, a magazine, anything ... but nothing could shed the pain or distract me.
A lot of people have acknowledged what this weekend is, and it means so much to Billy and I that people still remember without us having to tell/remind them. I look over at all of 3's things and just think... there should have been 2 of each of these things. My son should be welcomed into this world with his older sisters by his side. I know they will be there in spirit and I know that my Taylor and Riley will be watching over me, their daddy and their little brother in the delivery room.
I had been thinking about this day for a long time now. What is the perfect way to honor my girls? Is there a perfect way? Billy and I have decided we will start the day off at Church with our family. Following that we will all head to their grave and shower them with love, flowers and quite possibly balloons. Following that Billy and I havent decided what we want to do. We will be up to going to lunch with our family? Or will we want to just go home and spend the day together, just him and I? I guess that is something we will decide on Sunday.
I know I need to stay as calm as possible and try to build strength for my son. We are not ready for his arrival... at least not for another 2 weeks or so. The WORST thing anyone can say to me is, "You need to stay calm for your son..." You have no idea how painful that is to hear. I know that I need to stay calm, but I also know that I am ALLOWED to grieve for my daughters. And as a mother that has gone through what I have, do you honestly think I would do anything to jeopardize my sons health? I know some just don't know what to say, and some just want to say something... but please don't say that! I recently have been calling people out on it when they say that to me. I guess its better for them to know how I feel, than to just let it eat up inside of me. I advise them that unless they have been in my position, and even so... they cannot judge or tell me how to react or handle my pain. Everyone is different, every one handles things differently. I know this first hand... Billy and I both lost our daughters, yet we both have handled this tragedy differently. There is no RIGHT way to grieve. There is the only way that makes you feel better.
I am definitely going to try and stay as composed as possible for 3's sake, but one cannot expect me to not cry, or not be upset. I mean, it is my daughters FIRST birthday, the 1 year milestone of their death... It is very painful.
I keep having the vision of me walking down the aisle the first time in the funeral home, Billy by my side, and me just staring at that beautiful little white casket. So TINY, knowing what was in that little white box. It was one of the worst feelings in the world. I remember there were TONS of flowers gathered around. Given the circumstances it was a beautiful site. I sat by the casket, with my husband by my side and cried and cried. Just walkign up to the casket was dreadful. Something any mother hopes and prays she never has to do. Eventually we allowed for our immediate family to come in and spend some time with our girls before our other family and friends could come in. The funeral home was packed. Many were looking forward to meeting our little girls, just not this way. The casket was so tiny, some didn't realize it was open. Some went up and just stared at them, and some couldn't look, it was just too hard for them, and some just couldnt stop crying. I tried to hold my composure as much as possible. Billy and I followed through with the program. WE then laid our babies to rest. I remember as they were lowered, I just crumbled to my knees. It was like that was it. This all happened just almost a year ago. I can remember it like it was yesterday. All of these flashbacks have been etched in my brain and especially lately thats all I keep thinking about... that awful, dreadful walk down the aisle to my little girls casket.
I love my angel babies and loved every moment I was able to spend with them. Even though it definitely was not long enough. My son will know the story of his older sisters and my girls will FOREVER remain in my heart and mind. I love them more and more each day.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Jan. 19, 2011
Not too much has gone on these past few weeks. Billy and I have been trying to get all of "3's" things together. We have packed his hospital bag, and have begun to prepare our house for his arrival! Last weekend Billy and I put together his stroller, play yard, car seat, bouncer, etc... We also purchased little items to pass out to our family and friends for the day of his arrival and when people come by to visit him! We got personalized Cigars for the guys, and bubble gum and chocolate personalized cigars for everyone else! Billy also purchased a personalized Humidor to put the cigars in! Some may say we are going over board, but we are just so excited!!
I have a little folder where I have a list of items we need to take with us to the hospital and a list of who to call the day I go into labor. It has everyone's name and numbers just in case Billy and I are too busy to make the phone calls, we can just hand over the list to someone who can make them for us! haha.
We had our carpets cleaned this past weekend as well.. so everything will be clean and fresh for our son! Having 2 dogs works wonders on your carpets!! I'm starting to think the dogs are starting to get the hint that something is going on. They are lovers as it is, but lately they have been wanting to cuddle even more. We are going to start trying to get them prepared for 3's arrival. There will be no more sleeping in bed with us, I think that will be the biggest change for them. Diamond loves burrowing herself underneath the covers in her crate, so I think she wont take sleeping in there as hard as our little Joba will. He sleeps right in between Billy and I and he takes turn on whose pillow he sleeps on! He is such a cuddler, I love it! But we figured they will be out all day long, so being in the crate at night will not be too bad for them... they will have plenty of time to spend with us during the day/evening.
Last week I had a few scares. I really think its my nerves getting to me more than anything. I am coming up to Taylor and Riley's 1 year and am just under a lot of stress and emotions. 3 was not as active as I would have liked him to be so I completely freaked out! I would eat, then lay down and try to feel him. My doctor's office says that 4 kicks every 30 minutes is good, but to me I wanted more!! and i was getting more, every time I would count I was past 4 kicks/movements but to me that wasnt enough! And as if I dont use the restroom enough, I was eating dinner the other night and had to leave the table 5 times just in an hour and a half to use the restroom. I started to freak out that my water was leaking, and my stitch was the thing holding it in... I know Im crazy! It's just every lil thing possible runs through my mind when the slightest thing seems abnormal to me. Of course I called my doctor and he said it was fine, it was probably just where 3 was positioned. He is head down, so is right up against my bladder.
Lately,he has been moving up a storm! I love it!! I am able to see the movement more too... At times he digs his little foot up in my rib cage and I can see my side bulge out, I just rub it a little and he moves. I really think he is a Momma's Boy already. It's like the only person he wants to feel him move is me! Every time I mention to someone that he is moving a lot, or that I can see part of him on my stomach... the second the person tries to feel for themselves 3 freezes! then the second they move their hand he starts up again! He also doesnt like the light. Anytime I lift my shirt to watch him he stops... and the second i pull it back down, he starts up again! He is so funny!
2 weeks ago at our 32 week appointment he was weighing 4lbs 6oz. We were hoping for a new weight update today at our 34 week appointment, but unfortunately they only check weight once a month... so we have to wait 2 more weeks for another measurement :( But thankfully everything is looking good still. His heart rate was 141bpm today and I have gained 2 lbs in 2 weeks. So I am on schedule for what my doctor wanted as my final weight gain... 35lbs. My son is as cute as can be. Today he kept puckering up his lips and his side profile is gorgeous!
My doctor discussed that he will be going out of town in a few weeks, my 37th week. We talked about "what if I go into labor and he isnt in town"... He was pretty confident that i will not be going into labor until after my stitch comes out, Valentine's Day. Let's hope he is right! We also talked about inducing and he said as of now his plan is to not induce until I am 39 weeks. So if 3 doesnt come the week my stitch is removed, I will be induced a week later. I am hoping I can go into labor on my own... but I guess we shall see!
In 12 more days will be my daughter's 1 year. This has been one EXTREMELY rough year for us. Not a day or second goes by that i am not thinking of them. It's been so hard, but I think I have been doing pretty good in trying to stay calm for my little man. I have found that I am starting again to become more sensitive to what people say to me. I was extremely sensitive right when it happened, then I started to handle things better, and now Im starting to become more sensitive again. I guess this truly will be a long road ahead full of ups and downs. I am trying to prepare a special place in my house to display Taylor and Riley's memorabilia. We have plaques for them when, pictures, flags, etc. Hopefully I can get that done soon!
Well, I guess that's pretty much it. Until now, I am going to try to get passed these next few weeks, and look forward to mid-late February and the birth of our son!
I have a little folder where I have a list of items we need to take with us to the hospital and a list of who to call the day I go into labor. It has everyone's name and numbers just in case Billy and I are too busy to make the phone calls, we can just hand over the list to someone who can make them for us! haha.
We had our carpets cleaned this past weekend as well.. so everything will be clean and fresh for our son! Having 2 dogs works wonders on your carpets!! I'm starting to think the dogs are starting to get the hint that something is going on. They are lovers as it is, but lately they have been wanting to cuddle even more. We are going to start trying to get them prepared for 3's arrival. There will be no more sleeping in bed with us, I think that will be the biggest change for them. Diamond loves burrowing herself underneath the covers in her crate, so I think she wont take sleeping in there as hard as our little Joba will. He sleeps right in between Billy and I and he takes turn on whose pillow he sleeps on! He is such a cuddler, I love it! But we figured they will be out all day long, so being in the crate at night will not be too bad for them... they will have plenty of time to spend with us during the day/evening.
Last week I had a few scares. I really think its my nerves getting to me more than anything. I am coming up to Taylor and Riley's 1 year and am just under a lot of stress and emotions. 3 was not as active as I would have liked him to be so I completely freaked out! I would eat, then lay down and try to feel him. My doctor's office says that 4 kicks every 30 minutes is good, but to me I wanted more!! and i was getting more, every time I would count I was past 4 kicks/movements but to me that wasnt enough! And as if I dont use the restroom enough, I was eating dinner the other night and had to leave the table 5 times just in an hour and a half to use the restroom. I started to freak out that my water was leaking, and my stitch was the thing holding it in... I know Im crazy! It's just every lil thing possible runs through my mind when the slightest thing seems abnormal to me. Of course I called my doctor and he said it was fine, it was probably just where 3 was positioned. He is head down, so is right up against my bladder.
Lately,he has been moving up a storm! I love it!! I am able to see the movement more too... At times he digs his little foot up in my rib cage and I can see my side bulge out, I just rub it a little and he moves. I really think he is a Momma's Boy already. It's like the only person he wants to feel him move is me! Every time I mention to someone that he is moving a lot, or that I can see part of him on my stomach... the second the person tries to feel for themselves 3 freezes! then the second they move their hand he starts up again! He also doesnt like the light. Anytime I lift my shirt to watch him he stops... and the second i pull it back down, he starts up again! He is so funny!
2 weeks ago at our 32 week appointment he was weighing 4lbs 6oz. We were hoping for a new weight update today at our 34 week appointment, but unfortunately they only check weight once a month... so we have to wait 2 more weeks for another measurement :( But thankfully everything is looking good still. His heart rate was 141bpm today and I have gained 2 lbs in 2 weeks. So I am on schedule for what my doctor wanted as my final weight gain... 35lbs. My son is as cute as can be. Today he kept puckering up his lips and his side profile is gorgeous!
My doctor discussed that he will be going out of town in a few weeks, my 37th week. We talked about "what if I go into labor and he isnt in town"... He was pretty confident that i will not be going into labor until after my stitch comes out, Valentine's Day. Let's hope he is right! We also talked about inducing and he said as of now his plan is to not induce until I am 39 weeks. So if 3 doesnt come the week my stitch is removed, I will be induced a week later. I am hoping I can go into labor on my own... but I guess we shall see!
In 12 more days will be my daughter's 1 year. This has been one EXTREMELY rough year for us. Not a day or second goes by that i am not thinking of them. It's been so hard, but I think I have been doing pretty good in trying to stay calm for my little man. I have found that I am starting again to become more sensitive to what people say to me. I was extremely sensitive right when it happened, then I started to handle things better, and now Im starting to become more sensitive again. I guess this truly will be a long road ahead full of ups and downs. I am trying to prepare a special place in my house to display Taylor and Riley's memorabilia. We have plaques for them when, pictures, flags, etc. Hopefully I can get that done soon!
Well, I guess that's pretty much it. Until now, I am going to try to get passed these next few weeks, and look forward to mid-late February and the birth of our son!
Monday, January 10, 2011
December 2010
Wow, I cant belive a month has gone by since my last blog post. So much has happened this past month that I dont know where to begin!!
I will begin at our 28 week update for 3. Billy and I went in to the office, nervous as usual; You just never know what the doctor is going to tell you!! Well, we reviewed the ultrasounds and looks like we are going to have one very healthy baby boy! At 28 weeks he was weighing 2lbs 12oz. This marked one of our other big milestones. Since I was 28 weeks, it was now when my cervix would start to change on its own and that would be ok. Plus since 3 was starting to grow faster, my cervix was not as visible in the ultrasound, so it was harder to keep measuring it. So our appointments after this one started to go to every 2 weeks instead of weekly. I didnt know how to feel about this. I mean waiting a week to see my son and make sure he was ok was long enough, but now 2 weeks?! Thankfully, the following week was pretty busy for Billy and I, so we had a lot to pre-occupy our minds with. I did have some back pain during the following week, so I didnt let Dr Prieto off too easily, i did make a phone call to him to make sure the pain I was feeling was normal, and of course he said it was. Other than that I didnt really have any scary episodes, and the week went by pretty fast for us.
During that week, actually December 11th was my first baby shower! Wow, was it fun!! My Tia Chucha custom made all of the decorations for it and my mom and sisters pulled it all off! My theme was an elephant theme like 3's nursery. I think all of the guests enjoyed it as well! We played a few games, and some of them were quite comical! We played a game where you freeze a lil baby in an ice cube tray and then each person has to suck the cube until they get to the baby! The kicker was that it wasnt frozen water that was used to freeze the babies in, it was limeade! Most people werent expecting that! I actually enjoyed the sour bitterness. Weird what happens to your taste buds when you are pregnant! I received a ton of gifts, and what made it even better was that I was able to spend time with family and friends I havent seen in a while! At the end of the shower my aunt had a bundle of balloons in her hand and they started to take off. She jumped up and managed to grab all but 2 balloons. To me that was a sign that my girls were watching over us. Those 2 balloons went up to my beautiful angels. It was a very emotional and quite soothing feeling for me.
The following weekend, December 18th was my 2nd shower. My mother in law and sister in law threw it for me! Once again, it was a lot of fun, even though Billy didnt think so!! My theme for this shower was "My little Prince". It was decorated very nicely as well! For this shower Grandpa Young wanted to attend, so at the last minute we made it co-ed! Billy participated in some of the games as well. He actually tasted all of the baby foods that we passed around for people to guess what they were, you should have seen his face with some of them!! At the end of this shower, I took my neices outside and each of them released balloons again to go to Heaven for Taylor and Riley. My nieces were so excited to do it. All they kept talking about was how they released balloons for Taylor and Riley. It was very sweet.
I remember getting ready for the 2nd shower and Billy was with his dad. He texted and called me a few times, and I think bc he was actually attending this shower it hit him a little harder. He was excited for the shower for our son, but then also was emotional about not being able to have one for our daughters. It is difficult for us at times, but at the same time we have someone to look forward to... our son CWY III.
The following week we had our 30 week appt. At this appt they didnt do too much. They just checked and made sure he was moving and tried to get a cervical measurement. Boy did that hurt!! Bc 3 is growing, it was hard to see my cervix bc there was a shadow on the ultrasound, so I had to lay flat on my back and Dr. Prieto was digging the camera thing into my stomache to try and get the measurement. I was happy when that was over!! My cervix was still measuring about 3.8cm. This had me worried a lil bit bc unlike before when we were worried about my cervix shortening, now my cervix wasnt shortening at all and was at the same measurement that it had been for the past few weeks. Dr Prieto had advised us this may happen due to the scar tissue that builds around my cervix bc of the cerclage. This also increases my chances of having to have a c-section, which i would prefer not to have!
Now came Christmas. whoo... that was hard. My daughters were supposed to be here. They were supposed to be in their little "1st Christmas" dresses with little bows in their hair. Instead, they were celebrating in Heaven with Jesus. Billy and I really didnt get too into the Christmas spirit this year. It was my first year without putting up a tree in our house. I did of course put a tree on Taylor and Riley's gravesite. I remember going to Michael's to buy the mini tree and decorations for it. It was so hard thinking about what I was actually doing, and that I wasnt at home putting up a tree with my almost 1 year olds. There was a lil baby in line while i was waiting to check out and she resembled Taylor. I started to cry in line but held it together as much as possible. When I got in my car I just completely broke down. I spent the next few days trying to decorate the tree perfectly. I mean after all it was my daughters' first Christmas tree. after finding the ornaments, angel for the top, and flowers for it, I finally took it to their site. As the days/weeks went by their site was filled with more Christmas cheer. My dad took them two mini snow globes, my mother in law placed beautiful flowers around their head stone and my Tia Chucha made an arrangement for their vase. It was all very nice.
Christmas Eve started off ok. We were at my parents house for the typical Cuban Christmas Eve.. pig and all. I was ok at the beginning, but as the night went on it started to get harder. My twin nephews were there, and I couldnt help but think about my twin daughters and how they should be their with their cousins. And then came the passing out of the gifts. I had printed out a poem for each person in the family. It was titled, "Our first Christmas is Heaven." A friend from work gave it to me for my brother in law a few years back when his mother passed away, and I had kept it all of these years. I started to read it and thought it would be nice to have for my girls. I typed it out and placed mine in my house in a frame and gave all of my family one to keep as well. This is the poem, and I just changed "my" to "our" for my girls:
My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless
Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love
has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year
As I was passing out the gifts, I had printed a special copy for my abuela in spanish. I asked my aunt to read it to her, and make sure what I wrote was correct. I'm not too good with translations!! I think thats when it all sank in. I tried to suck it up a little longer but i just couldnt. I lost it and had to run to the back bedroom in hopes that no one saw me. Of course, I was seen!! My cousin and my cousin's girlfriend both saw me take off crying. They went and got Billy and he came in to soothe me. I was a complete mess. We both decided that i had been there long enough and it was time to go home and try to calm down. I didnt really get a chance to say goodbye to all of my family bc I was too upset. I felt bad about that, but then again knew I needed to just go home and have some peace and quiet with my husband. The following morning Billy and I dropped gifts off to our nieces, went to my parents house for breakfast, went to meet Billy's parents for brunch and then went to the cemetery to spend time with our girls. It was a really rough day for the both of us. For the rest of the day we just stayed home, just me, Billy and our dogs and watched movies and relaxed as a family. And of course Billy was trying to keep me as calm as possible for the sake of Baby Billy.
As I was explaining to my sister a few weeks ago. This has been an extremely hard process for me. Not only am I grieving the loss of my daughters, but I also cant fully express my emotions bc I dont want to stress 3 or induce preterm labor again,a nd I am still worried and stressing for the health of my son and wanting him to be healthy. I hate it when I start to get upset bc of my girls and then people say to me.. "you have to be calm for 3, you need to be strong for your son." I feel like saying, "No shit I need to be calm for my son, but at the same time I am still grieving the loss of my daughters and I am doing the best I can to keep it in and trying not to stress." Its just all really hard.
At times I think about my girls and just want to cry and never stop. But I know thats not healthy for me, and it definitely isnt healthy for my son growing inside me... so I just try to take deep breaths and find some means to relax.
The week after Christmas I was able to organize and clean my house! Billy helped a lot! There are still things here and there that need to be done, but we pretty much got the big stuff out of the way. I made room for his bottles in the kitchen, we cleaned out drawers and got rid of a TON of stuff, and I was able to finish the nursery!! Of course I had a lot of help from friends and family bc there was no way I could have done it all by myself! It feels good knowing its all ready for him!
My son has been one active little fella! He is constantly moving and his new favorite spot for his legs/feet is right under the right side of my ribs! Most pregnant women would get annoyed at all of the movement and uncomfortableness, but I enjoy every single minute of it!! Billy has tried multiple times to record his movements, but they are hard to actually see on the camera. My family also keeps wanting to feel him, but he is VERY shy! Everytime i say, feel he's moving, the second a hand goes on my tummy he stops! Many have been able to see him move though, they just cant feel it bc he stops as soon as anyone touches my stomache. Guess he wants to keep that as something between just his momma and him!
A few mornings I have woken up and not felt him. Man do I panick! The other day I woke up and didnt feel him, i took a shower, did my hair and started to do my make-up and still nothing. I freaked out. Billy made me stop what I was doing to go eat and lay down. I ate a bowl of cereal and then laid down for a bit and of course, he started moving! Ugh, talk about being scared to death!!
This week we had our 32 week appointment and it was time for them to take measurements on him again. My son is weighing in at 4lbs 6oz!! He's getting to be a big boy!! His head is measuring a few weeks ahead of schedule. At first we thought that could be a sign of something, but the sonographer checked it all out and measured everything and all looked to be fine and healthy. He is just going to have a big head like his cousins did!! My nephew Trace had a huge head and so did my neice Anna, so I guess that just runs in the Young family. My doctor didnt seem worried about it either, so all is good so far!! Dr. Prieto predicted 3 will weigh about 8.5 - 9lbs when he is born!! Thats one big baby im going to be having!! I kind of expected that. the Young side has big babies, my nephew was 9lb 1oz and my neice was almost 10lbs!!!
My stitch will be cut out anytime between Feb. 1st- Feb. 10th and then I am free to go in to labor anytime after the 8th! the 8th is when i will be 37 weeks and that is considered full term. So my son can be here in 5 weeks!!! I'm thinking he will come around week 38, but we shall see!!
I'm very nervous about the delivery process bc I had so many complications with Riley. I am praying that I do not hemorhage again. My Dr seems pretty optimistic about things, so all I can do is stay positive.
The past few weeks have been so busy for us, so finally things are dying down and Billy and I have time to relax and spend quality time together before our son comes.
Over the next few weeks we are going to begin putting together all of our big gifts, like the strollers, car seat, swing, etc. Billy was anxious to start putting things together, so the first item he chose was the highchair! Haha, my son will not be needing that for a while, so it's been folded up in our kitchen for the past few weeks!
We are still debating on what to do for Taylor and Riley's 1 year. I still cannot believe its been a year already. We are debating on if we will want that day to be alone and do things just him and I to honor our girls, or if we are going to want to do a little memorial at their site with close family and friends and then do a brunch afterwards. This is why we havent started putting together 3's big items yet, bc we want to have as much room as possible in our house in case we decide to do a brunch. I guess we still have 3 weeks to figure that all out.
Next week we are visiting our possible soon to be pediatrician. We want to meet with him to make sure he is what we are looking for before settling on a pediatrician. We figured over the next few weeks we will be ready to make a decision! I am very excited to meet with him. This is all becoming so real to me!!
Also, next week I have to do my final lab tests/blood tests. They will be checking my blood counts to make sure they are high enough, if they aren't I will have to be put on iron pills for the next few weeks up until the delivery. I had to take the pills after Taylor and Riley bc of all of my transfusions. This is my main fear. I am so scared of bleeding out again. I do not want to go through that again, and definitely do not want my husband to be put through the stress of witnessing that again.
Well, that's pretty much it so far... I will try to update again as soon as I get another chance!! We set up the date my cerclage comes out at my next appt on the 19th!! Cant believe my son is almost here!! I am so excited and anxious!
I will begin at our 28 week update for 3. Billy and I went in to the office, nervous as usual; You just never know what the doctor is going to tell you!! Well, we reviewed the ultrasounds and looks like we are going to have one very healthy baby boy! At 28 weeks he was weighing 2lbs 12oz. This marked one of our other big milestones. Since I was 28 weeks, it was now when my cervix would start to change on its own and that would be ok. Plus since 3 was starting to grow faster, my cervix was not as visible in the ultrasound, so it was harder to keep measuring it. So our appointments after this one started to go to every 2 weeks instead of weekly. I didnt know how to feel about this. I mean waiting a week to see my son and make sure he was ok was long enough, but now 2 weeks?! Thankfully, the following week was pretty busy for Billy and I, so we had a lot to pre-occupy our minds with. I did have some back pain during the following week, so I didnt let Dr Prieto off too easily, i did make a phone call to him to make sure the pain I was feeling was normal, and of course he said it was. Other than that I didnt really have any scary episodes, and the week went by pretty fast for us.
During that week, actually December 11th was my first baby shower! Wow, was it fun!! My Tia Chucha custom made all of the decorations for it and my mom and sisters pulled it all off! My theme was an elephant theme like 3's nursery. I think all of the guests enjoyed it as well! We played a few games, and some of them were quite comical! We played a game where you freeze a lil baby in an ice cube tray and then each person has to suck the cube until they get to the baby! The kicker was that it wasnt frozen water that was used to freeze the babies in, it was limeade! Most people werent expecting that! I actually enjoyed the sour bitterness. Weird what happens to your taste buds when you are pregnant! I received a ton of gifts, and what made it even better was that I was able to spend time with family and friends I havent seen in a while! At the end of the shower my aunt had a bundle of balloons in her hand and they started to take off. She jumped up and managed to grab all but 2 balloons. To me that was a sign that my girls were watching over us. Those 2 balloons went up to my beautiful angels. It was a very emotional and quite soothing feeling for me.
The following weekend, December 18th was my 2nd shower. My mother in law and sister in law threw it for me! Once again, it was a lot of fun, even though Billy didnt think so!! My theme for this shower was "My little Prince". It was decorated very nicely as well! For this shower Grandpa Young wanted to attend, so at the last minute we made it co-ed! Billy participated in some of the games as well. He actually tasted all of the baby foods that we passed around for people to guess what they were, you should have seen his face with some of them!! At the end of this shower, I took my neices outside and each of them released balloons again to go to Heaven for Taylor and Riley. My nieces were so excited to do it. All they kept talking about was how they released balloons for Taylor and Riley. It was very sweet.
I remember getting ready for the 2nd shower and Billy was with his dad. He texted and called me a few times, and I think bc he was actually attending this shower it hit him a little harder. He was excited for the shower for our son, but then also was emotional about not being able to have one for our daughters. It is difficult for us at times, but at the same time we have someone to look forward to... our son CWY III.
The following week we had our 30 week appt. At this appt they didnt do too much. They just checked and made sure he was moving and tried to get a cervical measurement. Boy did that hurt!! Bc 3 is growing, it was hard to see my cervix bc there was a shadow on the ultrasound, so I had to lay flat on my back and Dr. Prieto was digging the camera thing into my stomache to try and get the measurement. I was happy when that was over!! My cervix was still measuring about 3.8cm. This had me worried a lil bit bc unlike before when we were worried about my cervix shortening, now my cervix wasnt shortening at all and was at the same measurement that it had been for the past few weeks. Dr Prieto had advised us this may happen due to the scar tissue that builds around my cervix bc of the cerclage. This also increases my chances of having to have a c-section, which i would prefer not to have!
Now came Christmas. whoo... that was hard. My daughters were supposed to be here. They were supposed to be in their little "1st Christmas" dresses with little bows in their hair. Instead, they were celebrating in Heaven with Jesus. Billy and I really didnt get too into the Christmas spirit this year. It was my first year without putting up a tree in our house. I did of course put a tree on Taylor and Riley's gravesite. I remember going to Michael's to buy the mini tree and decorations for it. It was so hard thinking about what I was actually doing, and that I wasnt at home putting up a tree with my almost 1 year olds. There was a lil baby in line while i was waiting to check out and she resembled Taylor. I started to cry in line but held it together as much as possible. When I got in my car I just completely broke down. I spent the next few days trying to decorate the tree perfectly. I mean after all it was my daughters' first Christmas tree. after finding the ornaments, angel for the top, and flowers for it, I finally took it to their site. As the days/weeks went by their site was filled with more Christmas cheer. My dad took them two mini snow globes, my mother in law placed beautiful flowers around their head stone and my Tia Chucha made an arrangement for their vase. It was all very nice.
Christmas Eve started off ok. We were at my parents house for the typical Cuban Christmas Eve.. pig and all. I was ok at the beginning, but as the night went on it started to get harder. My twin nephews were there, and I couldnt help but think about my twin daughters and how they should be their with their cousins. And then came the passing out of the gifts. I had printed out a poem for each person in the family. It was titled, "Our first Christmas is Heaven." A friend from work gave it to me for my brother in law a few years back when his mother passed away, and I had kept it all of these years. I started to read it and thought it would be nice to have for my girls. I typed it out and placed mine in my house in a frame and gave all of my family one to keep as well. This is the poem, and I just changed "my" to "our" for my girls:
My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless
Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love
has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year
As I was passing out the gifts, I had printed a special copy for my abuela in spanish. I asked my aunt to read it to her, and make sure what I wrote was correct. I'm not too good with translations!! I think thats when it all sank in. I tried to suck it up a little longer but i just couldnt. I lost it and had to run to the back bedroom in hopes that no one saw me. Of course, I was seen!! My cousin and my cousin's girlfriend both saw me take off crying. They went and got Billy and he came in to soothe me. I was a complete mess. We both decided that i had been there long enough and it was time to go home and try to calm down. I didnt really get a chance to say goodbye to all of my family bc I was too upset. I felt bad about that, but then again knew I needed to just go home and have some peace and quiet with my husband. The following morning Billy and I dropped gifts off to our nieces, went to my parents house for breakfast, went to meet Billy's parents for brunch and then went to the cemetery to spend time with our girls. It was a really rough day for the both of us. For the rest of the day we just stayed home, just me, Billy and our dogs and watched movies and relaxed as a family. And of course Billy was trying to keep me as calm as possible for the sake of Baby Billy.
As I was explaining to my sister a few weeks ago. This has been an extremely hard process for me. Not only am I grieving the loss of my daughters, but I also cant fully express my emotions bc I dont want to stress 3 or induce preterm labor again,a nd I am still worried and stressing for the health of my son and wanting him to be healthy. I hate it when I start to get upset bc of my girls and then people say to me.. "you have to be calm for 3, you need to be strong for your son." I feel like saying, "No shit I need to be calm for my son, but at the same time I am still grieving the loss of my daughters and I am doing the best I can to keep it in and trying not to stress." Its just all really hard.
At times I think about my girls and just want to cry and never stop. But I know thats not healthy for me, and it definitely isnt healthy for my son growing inside me... so I just try to take deep breaths and find some means to relax.
The week after Christmas I was able to organize and clean my house! Billy helped a lot! There are still things here and there that need to be done, but we pretty much got the big stuff out of the way. I made room for his bottles in the kitchen, we cleaned out drawers and got rid of a TON of stuff, and I was able to finish the nursery!! Of course I had a lot of help from friends and family bc there was no way I could have done it all by myself! It feels good knowing its all ready for him!
My son has been one active little fella! He is constantly moving and his new favorite spot for his legs/feet is right under the right side of my ribs! Most pregnant women would get annoyed at all of the movement and uncomfortableness, but I enjoy every single minute of it!! Billy has tried multiple times to record his movements, but they are hard to actually see on the camera. My family also keeps wanting to feel him, but he is VERY shy! Everytime i say, feel he's moving, the second a hand goes on my tummy he stops! Many have been able to see him move though, they just cant feel it bc he stops as soon as anyone touches my stomache. Guess he wants to keep that as something between just his momma and him!
A few mornings I have woken up and not felt him. Man do I panick! The other day I woke up and didnt feel him, i took a shower, did my hair and started to do my make-up and still nothing. I freaked out. Billy made me stop what I was doing to go eat and lay down. I ate a bowl of cereal and then laid down for a bit and of course, he started moving! Ugh, talk about being scared to death!!
This week we had our 32 week appointment and it was time for them to take measurements on him again. My son is weighing in at 4lbs 6oz!! He's getting to be a big boy!! His head is measuring a few weeks ahead of schedule. At first we thought that could be a sign of something, but the sonographer checked it all out and measured everything and all looked to be fine and healthy. He is just going to have a big head like his cousins did!! My nephew Trace had a huge head and so did my neice Anna, so I guess that just runs in the Young family. My doctor didnt seem worried about it either, so all is good so far!! Dr. Prieto predicted 3 will weigh about 8.5 - 9lbs when he is born!! Thats one big baby im going to be having!! I kind of expected that. the Young side has big babies, my nephew was 9lb 1oz and my neice was almost 10lbs!!!
My stitch will be cut out anytime between Feb. 1st- Feb. 10th and then I am free to go in to labor anytime after the 8th! the 8th is when i will be 37 weeks and that is considered full term. So my son can be here in 5 weeks!!! I'm thinking he will come around week 38, but we shall see!!
I'm very nervous about the delivery process bc I had so many complications with Riley. I am praying that I do not hemorhage again. My Dr seems pretty optimistic about things, so all I can do is stay positive.
The past few weeks have been so busy for us, so finally things are dying down and Billy and I have time to relax and spend quality time together before our son comes.
Over the next few weeks we are going to begin putting together all of our big gifts, like the strollers, car seat, swing, etc. Billy was anxious to start putting things together, so the first item he chose was the highchair! Haha, my son will not be needing that for a while, so it's been folded up in our kitchen for the past few weeks!
We are still debating on what to do for Taylor and Riley's 1 year. I still cannot believe its been a year already. We are debating on if we will want that day to be alone and do things just him and I to honor our girls, or if we are going to want to do a little memorial at their site with close family and friends and then do a brunch afterwards. This is why we havent started putting together 3's big items yet, bc we want to have as much room as possible in our house in case we decide to do a brunch. I guess we still have 3 weeks to figure that all out.
Next week we are visiting our possible soon to be pediatrician. We want to meet with him to make sure he is what we are looking for before settling on a pediatrician. We figured over the next few weeks we will be ready to make a decision! I am very excited to meet with him. This is all becoming so real to me!!
Also, next week I have to do my final lab tests/blood tests. They will be checking my blood counts to make sure they are high enough, if they aren't I will have to be put on iron pills for the next few weeks up until the delivery. I had to take the pills after Taylor and Riley bc of all of my transfusions. This is my main fear. I am so scared of bleeding out again. I do not want to go through that again, and definitely do not want my husband to be put through the stress of witnessing that again.
Well, that's pretty much it so far... I will try to update again as soon as I get another chance!! We set up the date my cerclage comes out at my next appt on the 19th!! Cant believe my son is almost here!! I am so excited and anxious!
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