I have found that the majority of my blogs sound depressing, and I usually refrain from putting ALL of my feelings down bc I dont want to upset anyone or hurt anyone else's feelings if I mention them, etc. So eventually i will begin to write in a confidential journal that only I could read. This way I can vent all of my thoughts without worrying about what is "ok" to type and what really isnt.
So, here I begin one of my last "public- depressing" blogs.
Tonight I sit at my computer in so much pain. My daughters due date was supposed to be tomorrow. I ask God, "why?" "why cant it still be?" These past 3 and a half months have been horrible, and I wonder, will I ever be myself again? will i ever be happy again? will i ever stop picking on my husband for all the little things, bc i have no where else to vent this built up anger inside of me?
This weekend Billy and I spent at the beach. Our friends Pat and Jess came over and it was nice, to try and take my mind off the obvious for a bit. The second they left my life came back to reality. This whole weekend I have tried to put on a "game face" and have told myself I am never going to get any where if i keep dwelling on the past. and dwelling on what is no longer here. It is just so hard to do that. As the poem goes, "When you lose a child you have lost your future..." That is so true. Everything in our lives was based on taylor and riley. From the moment we were trying to conceive, to the day we found out the great news that I was pregnant, to the day we found out even better news that we were having twins, to the day we found out even better news, that they were girls. We changed our schedules, I planned on stopping work for a while to raise them, Billy saved as much vacation as possible from last year so his time could roll over to this year to spend more time with the girls, I mean everything in our "future" was planned for us. Now what do we have? A future of what should have been? I know they say, everything happens for a reason, and God has a plan, and theres a bigger picture to all of this... but that is SO easy to SAY. Until you have lived in our shoes, until you have experienced a pain so heart wrenching... you have no idea. What is this bigger picture planned for us? what time will tell? All time has told me is that I cannot bare any of this. It hurts. Time has told me that the second i think i am "dealing" with things, i start going downhill again... the second i try to think positive, i think back and wonder how can anything positive come out of losing a child, let alone two. Sure Taylor and Riley were only here on this earth for a short while, but they are OUR WORLD. our everything, and now I sit, as I did a few hours ago... and just stare at an empty bench, at a headstone full of flowers... that what I have. That and a few pictures that cant be blown up bc the majority of the pictures were taken from camera phones. That and a few foot prints, 2 tiny outfits, etc. I would give up ALL of those things, I would give up anything just for one more second with them. Just to be able to fully share with them how much I love them, how long i waited for them. I was in so much pain on January 30th that it overcame my joy of meeting my daughters for the first time.
Tonight, around 9pm, I just grabbed my keys, opened the garage, jumped in my truck, and was stopped by my husband wondering where the heck i was going. I had NEVER done this before, I just wanted to go sit with my girls. Just me and them. Billy of course begged me not to go, but ultimately he could see the pain behind my eyes, and knew he had to let me go. I just wanted to be alone, just me and them. i drove to the cemetery, pulled my truck facing their site, so the head lights could stay on and shine on the site while i sat there, next to them, completely broken. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to bring them back. I just need to suck it up and face reality... but to me I would rather be blinded by it. Eventually, I got back in the truck and started to drive off, but just wasnt ready yet, so i stopped driving and sat and faced their site and talked to them a bit more. Theres 2 windmills that I have by their headstone, and as I sat talking to them, farther away from the truck, one of the windmills started spinning, and caught the light of the moon and was shining. Anytime i would say something, and then stop, the windmill would shine and start spinning again. Call me crazy, but i believe in signs and think this was a sign that they an hear me, no matter how far they are. I drove out of the cemetery and then turned around again, to just sit with them a little while longer. People must have thought I was nuts! Who cares? Im done with caring what other people think, Im done caring about how strong I used to be... Im done trying to put up a front... Yes, I have good days and I have bad days... but I never have an extremely happy day. will those days ever come back to me? Who knows.
I see everyone around me so happy. It's either this friend got engaged, or this friend is getting married, or this friend is having a baby, or this friend just had a baby... all of those happy days that Billy and I used to have are gone now.
Its so easy to see how soon people forget. Sure youre around right when things happen, but as time goes by, people start "forgetting" that feeling, that pain they felt that day at the funeral... Well, Billy and I havent forgotten, we live with that pain everyday.
As Billy has said over and over, he has to "deal" with me, and make sure Im ok... and people worry about me... but who is really thinking about him? Well, of course I am, but I am not going to lie, I have drained everything out of him... I have taken this so hard, that I am being selfish and I am "stealing the spotlight"... well wheres his? How fair is it for me to do this to him? I am just not strong enough to handle both, I can barely handle myself. I feel horrible for all of this pressure I put on him day in and day out... its just so hard to control at times. I can see that his pain is getting worse everyday as well and theres only so much he can hold in. I feel so bad for all of this.
I find it funny how when some people hear of our situation they become mute, some people say sorry and thats it, some people just stare at you and you can tell they are extremely uncomfortable, some people dont even want to try and understand, and then you have those people who try and compare completely off the wall stories with you on how they have "experienced" pain like this... Last night as we were with a group of older people, and it came mention to what happened with us one lady began to "share" her story with me on how her husband's son was born premature, at 4 months, and he was so tiny he could fit in one hand... UGH!!! that kills me the most is when people try to relate... I felt like saying, first off lady, it wasnt your child, so there is no way you can feel my pain, second off, there is no way your step son was born at 4 months and survived...organs arent even developed until 24 weeks. Then her friend felt compelled to share her story on how her husband, who was previously married, had twins that dies prematurely and then had twins again and only one made it the second time. The way she was telling "his" story was like nothing... its just like really? really people? what exactly would you like me to say to you? Neither one of them went through this... their husbands did and yet they felt compelled to share stories that were not completely accurate to someone that just went through all of this. That kills me more when people
"think" they know more than you on a subject that you have just experienced first hand... and the extremes they go too... like saying he was born at 4 months? You know I have talked to so many moms and dads that have experienced losing a child and not one of them act like these ladies did. Instead they try and let you know that they are there for you and can relate to how you feel...
Without all of these moms I dont know where Id be... They have been so encouraging and do helpful and are always there to listen.
Needless to say, tonight has been one of the bad ones... tomorrow will prob be just as worse. Tomorrow was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives, and now its one of the saddest.
I look to God for strength and some sort of encouragement. This is something WE will pull through, and we will do it together.
*Sigh* Now I feel better, I got a lot of this out!!! G'Night!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
May 20, 2010
As the days near closer to the 24th, I have been having more anxiety, and more bad days. I have been getting mad at the littlest things. Many people have asked me about Taylor and Riley's due date, most may remember it was originally June 7th. However, because I was having twins, my doctor said that he would induce me May 24th if I hadn't delivered by then. I would have been 38 weeks at that time and it would have been fine for them to come. Billy gets upset with me for dwelling on that date, bc most women do not deliver on their original due date, and since the girls were already born, May 24th is no longer their "due date", but to me that date is a reminder of "what should have been". If I had made it to next week my girls would have been fine, and come time for Billy's birthday, he would have had 2 beautiful girls to sit and watch him open his gifts, to hug and kiss him, to be there filling our lives with so much joy and so many momentous occassions. Instead, they are now in Heaven. Sure they will be there in spirit, but the pain of me wanting to hold them in my arms lingers.
Many say that the days will soon get easier to handle, not forget, but handle. I have yet to see those days. And dont think I will for some time now.
Their clothes are still hanging in their closet. The basket full of "baby goodies" is still sitting by the door with their 2 baby bibs that read, "Daddy's Angels". Who would have thought that saying would be more true? Now they are Daddy's Angels, Literally. How fair is that? How fair is it that other moms get to enjoy their children, while mine rest peacefully in Heaven? I guess we can be reminded that yes, they are peaceful now.
Last Friday I went down to the Social Security office and FINALLY applied for their Social Security Numbers. I had to wait for a few things before I could actually apply. We should be getting them in 2-3 weeks. What a horrible day that was.
Constantly I am getting reminders that they are no longer with us. This happened almost 4 months ago and yet things still arent complete for them. It's amazing how much work and stress goes in to the process of having your baby die.
On another note, my brother-in-law, Pat, bought the girls a bench for their site. It just came in and is PERFECT! It reads, "MY BEAUTIFUL NIECES, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH." It was very sweet of him to do that for the girls. Now we have a place to sit while we visit (which might I add is VERY often!) When I walked out and saw the bench I was so happy it was FINALLY there! We have been wiating on it for 3 months now, and now their site is finally complete! Walking away from the site brought me to tears. Driving back to work I couldnt fight off the tears. It still pains me, almost like the wounds are brand new. As mentioned in one of my previous blogs, who would ever think they would look forward to the day that the site for their child/children was complete. This brought me some reassurance that they are gone, they arent coming back. i dream at night and imagine what it would have been like had things turned out for the better, but that is not a reality for me.. it is but yet a dream.
I am still getting things in the mail and constant e-mails reminding me how many weeks i would have been. Just the other day I recieved 2 cans of baby formula in the mail. These are reminders I would like to go away to say the least! The reminders I love receiving are cards from friends! The other day I looked in the mail and found a card from one of my sorority sisters I hadn't seen in a while. Probably since I graduated in 2005!! Well, I opened it up and it was a gift card from 7 of my sorority sisters, and it read "Have a date night out on us!" That was so sweet. I was shocked and humbled at the same time. I was close to these girls in college, but through the years we have all lost touch, and for them to think of me brought me to tears! Thank you Leah, Brittany, Keri, Christi, Casey, Breana, and Katie!
My sorority is a SISTERHOOD and we will always be there for each other, and nothing proved that more than this year having to go through this. So many of my sisters have reached out to Billy and I. So many have donated to the March of Dimes or sent us cards and e-mails. "OBIC" is there for a reason and I truly believe that. I know Taylor and Riley are up in Heaven joined with all of the other ADPI's that have passed away.
My blogs arent as common as they used to be. It seems as if my days remain busy, but now i keep a lil journal to post notes in it on what i am thinking. That also helps me.
Some Positivity for the night... One of my sorority sisters has been going through the adoption process. She has been trying to adopt a baby from Ethiopia and YAY, she finally received news that her baby boy was born. She is going to go visit him in the next few weeks, and hopes to bring him home in the next few months. She posted a video of her and her husband seeing their son for the first time through a picture, and you could totally grasp the joy, love and happiness in their faces. Watching the video brought my tears rolling! I am so happy for them, but watching their video also pained me a bit. I was so happy when I met my daughters for the first time, but my happines was overcome with pain. I had tears of joy and tears of hurt all that day. Tears of joy and tears of pain still today.
Many say that the days will soon get easier to handle, not forget, but handle. I have yet to see those days. And dont think I will for some time now.
Their clothes are still hanging in their closet. The basket full of "baby goodies" is still sitting by the door with their 2 baby bibs that read, "Daddy's Angels". Who would have thought that saying would be more true? Now they are Daddy's Angels, Literally. How fair is that? How fair is it that other moms get to enjoy their children, while mine rest peacefully in Heaven? I guess we can be reminded that yes, they are peaceful now.
Last Friday I went down to the Social Security office and FINALLY applied for their Social Security Numbers. I had to wait for a few things before I could actually apply. We should be getting them in 2-3 weeks. What a horrible day that was.
Constantly I am getting reminders that they are no longer with us. This happened almost 4 months ago and yet things still arent complete for them. It's amazing how much work and stress goes in to the process of having your baby die.
On another note, my brother-in-law, Pat, bought the girls a bench for their site. It just came in and is PERFECT! It reads, "MY BEAUTIFUL NIECES, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH." It was very sweet of him to do that for the girls. Now we have a place to sit while we visit (which might I add is VERY often!) When I walked out and saw the bench I was so happy it was FINALLY there! We have been wiating on it for 3 months now, and now their site is finally complete! Walking away from the site brought me to tears. Driving back to work I couldnt fight off the tears. It still pains me, almost like the wounds are brand new. As mentioned in one of my previous blogs, who would ever think they would look forward to the day that the site for their child/children was complete. This brought me some reassurance that they are gone, they arent coming back. i dream at night and imagine what it would have been like had things turned out for the better, but that is not a reality for me.. it is but yet a dream.
I am still getting things in the mail and constant e-mails reminding me how many weeks i would have been. Just the other day I recieved 2 cans of baby formula in the mail. These are reminders I would like to go away to say the least! The reminders I love receiving are cards from friends! The other day I looked in the mail and found a card from one of my sorority sisters I hadn't seen in a while. Probably since I graduated in 2005!! Well, I opened it up and it was a gift card from 7 of my sorority sisters, and it read "Have a date night out on us!" That was so sweet. I was shocked and humbled at the same time. I was close to these girls in college, but through the years we have all lost touch, and for them to think of me brought me to tears! Thank you Leah, Brittany, Keri, Christi, Casey, Breana, and Katie!
My sorority is a SISTERHOOD and we will always be there for each other, and nothing proved that more than this year having to go through this. So many of my sisters have reached out to Billy and I. So many have donated to the March of Dimes or sent us cards and e-mails. "OBIC" is there for a reason and I truly believe that. I know Taylor and Riley are up in Heaven joined with all of the other ADPI's that have passed away.
My blogs arent as common as they used to be. It seems as if my days remain busy, but now i keep a lil journal to post notes in it on what i am thinking. That also helps me.
Some Positivity for the night... One of my sorority sisters has been going through the adoption process. She has been trying to adopt a baby from Ethiopia and YAY, she finally received news that her baby boy was born. She is going to go visit him in the next few weeks, and hopes to bring him home in the next few months. She posted a video of her and her husband seeing their son for the first time through a picture, and you could totally grasp the joy, love and happiness in their faces. Watching the video brought my tears rolling! I am so happy for them, but watching their video also pained me a bit. I was so happy when I met my daughters for the first time, but my happines was overcome with pain. I had tears of joy and tears of hurt all that day. Tears of joy and tears of pain still today.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The first of many painful Mother's days...
Tonight i sit at my computer completely missing my husband, and even more my daughters. I was feeling a little too tired to blog, but my tears wouldnt stop, so thought this might help release some anxiety. I left Saturday for a vacation with my family. My mom, dad, sisters and their significant others and my hubby. Billy and i had discussed if I wanted to go away given what weekend it was, but i decided that it would prob be better to be away than to just sit and be upset at home all day Sunday, Mothers day. On Saturday we started our departure for our lil vacation... and the first stop, was of course, to see my angels. I wanted to give them a little somethiing before i left for a few days, so i took them two beautiful balloons. One was a precious moments balloon and the other a balloon that said, "Its a girl!" I wrote a note on each balloon for the girls. It pained me to much to do that... but it was my way of saying that i was thinking of them. I cried so hard tying the balloons to the vase on their head stone. I am crying so hard just writing this. Who would have thought that i would be trying to send my love to my daughters through a balloon and not through hugs and kisses?
I really had no idea what Sunday would have been like for me... i can tell you this though, i wanst looking forward to it.
I woke up Sunday morning to a phone full of text messages. I remember i had rolled over and thought to myself, "i really do not want to get up today, and i really do not want to face what today is..." But eventually, around 10 I pulled myself up. My family was all in the living room of the condo on the beach, and they all wished me a happy mothers day. I kind of took that with a grain of salt. I then walked outside to find my husband talking to his mom. He handed me the phone and my mother in law wished me a happy mothers day, you could hear the pain behind her voice as her words crackled when she said them to me. She could feel some what of my pain... and just that early it was a hard day for her too... i couldnt say anything back but a weak, "Happy mothers day to you too..." as i passed the phone back to billy with my eyes full of tears. I went inside, my mom had made a breakfast casserole for us all... i sat on the couch and my mom began to give me my gifts... it hurt so bad knowing i was getting gifts for being a mom, when my children werent even there to share in that moment. Well, I guess they were there, watching from up above. My mom gave me here gift and i was able to get through that, and then i started to open the gift from my aunt, Tia Chucha, and i had to set the card down and take a deep breathe. Then I finally was able to open her gift, it was a beautiful necklace with a pendant that read, " A mother holds her child's hand for a short while, but their hearts forever." It is beautiful. Then I began to open my gifts from my husband and of course, my dogs and most importantly Taylor and Riley. Joba and Diamond got me chopsticks that I have been wanting! LOL... Billy got me a Dolce and Gabbana watch and a hand mixer... and then he gave me my gift from my girls, it was the most beautiful gift... a pendant of a mother and twins... It was beautiful... i had seen this pendant before, and really liked it, but i always only saw it with one baby... never a mother and her twins... leave it to my husband to find the perfect gift!
Throughout the day I recieved tons of calls, texts, e-mails, but i was just not up to really talking to anyone... I have a ton of calls to return!! I was very thankful to have so many people thinking of me and my girls... i am truly blessed.
Mothers day was extremely hard... but i was able to manage pretty well given the circumstances.
Monday morning my hubby had to leave for work. I took him to the airport at 4:30am. I was happy he was able to spend mothers day with me, and saturday.
Today I came home from the beach and was completely embraced by my girls as i walked in. I love having their BEAUTIFUL pictures up. They are so welcoming when i walk in to my house. I have had it hard tonight... Missing my hubby a lot. He has been my backbone through this all. Cant wait to have him back on Thursday!
For those that dont know, Billy and I have had numerous conversations on when to try for another child, and we both decided we are ready. We are putting it in God's hands, and are not putting a rush to when HE feels the time is right.
This month was the girls original due date... May 24th to be exact. It hurts thinking they should be here, but i know they are peaceful in Heaven... and thats what i try to remind myself every time i get upset.
I feel that some people just cant grasp what is gone... they cant grasp the emptiness i feel, the emptiness my husband and i both share. Maybe in time it will become understandable, maybe not... All I know is that I miss my daughters more than anyone can imagine, and i love them more than anything.
Here's a Picture of the frame we got Billy's mom for Mother'd Day, she loved it!
I really had no idea what Sunday would have been like for me... i can tell you this though, i wanst looking forward to it.
I woke up Sunday morning to a phone full of text messages. I remember i had rolled over and thought to myself, "i really do not want to get up today, and i really do not want to face what today is..." But eventually, around 10 I pulled myself up. My family was all in the living room of the condo on the beach, and they all wished me a happy mothers day. I kind of took that with a grain of salt. I then walked outside to find my husband talking to his mom. He handed me the phone and my mother in law wished me a happy mothers day, you could hear the pain behind her voice as her words crackled when she said them to me. She could feel some what of my pain... and just that early it was a hard day for her too... i couldnt say anything back but a weak, "Happy mothers day to you too..." as i passed the phone back to billy with my eyes full of tears. I went inside, my mom had made a breakfast casserole for us all... i sat on the couch and my mom began to give me my gifts... it hurt so bad knowing i was getting gifts for being a mom, when my children werent even there to share in that moment. Well, I guess they were there, watching from up above. My mom gave me here gift and i was able to get through that, and then i started to open the gift from my aunt, Tia Chucha, and i had to set the card down and take a deep breathe. Then I finally was able to open her gift, it was a beautiful necklace with a pendant that read, " A mother holds her child's hand for a short while, but their hearts forever." It is beautiful. Then I began to open my gifts from my husband and of course, my dogs and most importantly Taylor and Riley. Joba and Diamond got me chopsticks that I have been wanting! LOL... Billy got me a Dolce and Gabbana watch and a hand mixer... and then he gave me my gift from my girls, it was the most beautiful gift... a pendant of a mother and twins... It was beautiful... i had seen this pendant before, and really liked it, but i always only saw it with one baby... never a mother and her twins... leave it to my husband to find the perfect gift!
Throughout the day I recieved tons of calls, texts, e-mails, but i was just not up to really talking to anyone... I have a ton of calls to return!! I was very thankful to have so many people thinking of me and my girls... i am truly blessed.
Mothers day was extremely hard... but i was able to manage pretty well given the circumstances.
Monday morning my hubby had to leave for work. I took him to the airport at 4:30am. I was happy he was able to spend mothers day with me, and saturday.
Today I came home from the beach and was completely embraced by my girls as i walked in. I love having their BEAUTIFUL pictures up. They are so welcoming when i walk in to my house. I have had it hard tonight... Missing my hubby a lot. He has been my backbone through this all. Cant wait to have him back on Thursday!
For those that dont know, Billy and I have had numerous conversations on when to try for another child, and we both decided we are ready. We are putting it in God's hands, and are not putting a rush to when HE feels the time is right.
This month was the girls original due date... May 24th to be exact. It hurts thinking they should be here, but i know they are peaceful in Heaven... and thats what i try to remind myself every time i get upset.
I feel that some people just cant grasp what is gone... they cant grasp the emptiness i feel, the emptiness my husband and i both share. Maybe in time it will become understandable, maybe not... All I know is that I miss my daughters more than anyone can imagine, and i love them more than anything.
Here's a Picture of the frame we got Billy's mom for Mother'd Day, she loved it!
"I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel
A new song that hits home...
It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Is just the way that we are tied in
But there's no one home
I grieve for you
And you leave me
So hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
Say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on
The news that truly shocks
Is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks
Its empty, empty cage
And I can't handle this
I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
Say life carries on
Say life carries on and on and on
Life carries on in the people I meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rod and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Just the car that we ride in
The home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
As life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Did I dream this belief
Or did I believe this dream
Now I will find relief
I grieve
It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Is just the way that you were tied in
Now there's no one home
I grieve for you
And you leave me
It's so hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
And still life carries on
Carries on and on, and on, and on
The news that truly shocks
Is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks
Its empty, empty cage
And I can't handle this
I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on, and on, and on
Life carries on in the people I meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on, and on, and on
Life carries on and on, and on
It's just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on, and on, and on
Life carries on and on and on
Did I dream this belief
Or did I believe this dream
Now I can find relief
I grieve
It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Is just the way that we are tied in
But there's no one home
I grieve for you
And you leave me
So hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
Say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on
The news that truly shocks
Is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks
Its empty, empty cage
And I can't handle this
I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
Say life carries on
Say life carries on and on and on
Life carries on in the people I meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rod and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Just the car that we ride in
The home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
As life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Did I dream this belief
Or did I believe this dream
Now I will find relief
I grieve
It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Is just the way that you were tied in
Now there's no one home
I grieve for you
And you leave me
It's so hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
And still life carries on
Carries on and on, and on, and on
The news that truly shocks
Is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks
Its empty, empty cage
And I can't handle this
I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on, and on, and on
Life carries on in the people I meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on, and on, and on
Life carries on and on, and on
It's just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on, and on, and on
Life carries on and on and on
Did I dream this belief
Or did I believe this dream
Now I can find relief
I grieve
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Stupid medical Bills...
Seriously… Seriously? My husband and I got a bill in the mail today from BCBS. It is a bill for Taylor and Riley. Ive gotten plenty of stuff for my care, but never thought I would get any for them, because nothing was done to them. There was no time in the NICU, nothing. I barely got 2 hours with them… and yet I am being sent a bill?
This is what was going through my head this morning…
I called BCBS today and they said to call my HR department and add the girls to my policy for that one day. That just sounds absurd to me…Like I should have thought about adding my girls for one day, when nothing was even done to them… no tests, no trach, nothing…
I called my HR dept and they told me I had 60 days to add the girls to my policy and that time has elapsed…but they were going to look in to this further given the circumstances; seriously? I just got a freaking bill for this, how was I to know that I would need to add them. No one said anything to me about that. From my constant calls to BCBS they told me all maternity care was covered, now 3 months later I get a bill for Taylor and Riley and there is nothing I can do about it bc 60 days has gone by? Like I was supposed to know I would go in to labor early and needed to add them right away. Seriously people, like I don’t have it hard enough having to live day by day knowing that my daughters were born too early and that my husband and I had to bury them. Now all you can say is “oh well, your out of your period for adding to your policy.” We never thought we would have to add them, because they passed away… is it our fault the bill came 3 months later. It’s like they do this on purpose to avoid having to pay a bill. Ugh! If I had to take my girls to a follow up appt at the doctor, of course I would have added them to my plan, but this… this was VERY UNEXPECTED. I wish that there was some sort of counselor that walks you through this process on “what to expect” or even someone that takes care of these things for moms that have to go through what I have gone through… someone to call the insurance company for you, so you don’t have to add any more stress to this situation, someone that will cancel all of your subscriptions and mailings, someone that can contact your registry and cancel it… someone to do this Horribly hard things that I am still not able to do. You think I want to walk in to Babies R Us and say hey, I need to cancel my registry? Or pull up there page and do it, or call… I don’t want any part of that… it just hurts too much. There is so much more that goes in to the pain than just losing your child or children… it’s like these are constant reminders of what’s no longer there. I mean I cant even walk in a baby section at the store, let alone call and cancel my registry!
As you can tell… I am not having a good day. Let alone month!
Every time I check the mail I get all of these baby coupons and Happy Mother’s Day stuff… and wow, first time mom… that’s like a slap in the face! I just want to scream, yell whatever!
After the girls’ passed away Billy went in to my e-mail and took me off the subscribers list to all of the baby stuff I had subscribed too… but you think that has stopped the e-mails from coming or the mail from pouring in? I wish I could post something on my mailbox that said, “STOP sending me mail in regards to babies, my daughters have passed away.”
Just writing that hurts so bad… “My daughters have passed away…” Seriously? That hurts. It’s pain you could never understand. Pain I wouldn’t want you to understand.
Lately I have been so angry. I get annoyed so easily and just go off. Unfortunately, my husband is the one who has to bear it. Any little thing sets me off… I guess they were right when they said your emotions will be like a roller coaster. I wish there was a way to just burst this pressure that lingers inside my chest. I feel that it just keeps getting tighter and tighter ready to just be released… but how do I release it?
Deep breaths, take deep breaths is what I keep telling myself. And actually it does help a little bit.
Good news Now!- My HR department is AWESOME and has decided that under my circumstances they are still going to allow me to put the girls on my plan, so their medical bills (still seems crazy to me that they have medical bills…) will be covered. Thank Goodness! I just have a few forms to fill out and we will be good to go, well hopefully we will be good to go… keep your fingers crossed!
“May 1 - May 7 is "RECOGNIZING A MOTHER'S STRENGTH AFTER LOSING A CHILD" WEEK. Losing a child is the hardest thing a Mother will ever have to go through in her life.”
"The tiny footprints left behind on your heart bespeak your name as Mother."
This is what was going through my head this morning…
I called BCBS today and they said to call my HR department and add the girls to my policy for that one day. That just sounds absurd to me…Like I should have thought about adding my girls for one day, when nothing was even done to them… no tests, no trach, nothing…
I called my HR dept and they told me I had 60 days to add the girls to my policy and that time has elapsed…but they were going to look in to this further given the circumstances; seriously? I just got a freaking bill for this, how was I to know that I would need to add them. No one said anything to me about that. From my constant calls to BCBS they told me all maternity care was covered, now 3 months later I get a bill for Taylor and Riley and there is nothing I can do about it bc 60 days has gone by? Like I was supposed to know I would go in to labor early and needed to add them right away. Seriously people, like I don’t have it hard enough having to live day by day knowing that my daughters were born too early and that my husband and I had to bury them. Now all you can say is “oh well, your out of your period for adding to your policy.” We never thought we would have to add them, because they passed away… is it our fault the bill came 3 months later. It’s like they do this on purpose to avoid having to pay a bill. Ugh! If I had to take my girls to a follow up appt at the doctor, of course I would have added them to my plan, but this… this was VERY UNEXPECTED. I wish that there was some sort of counselor that walks you through this process on “what to expect” or even someone that takes care of these things for moms that have to go through what I have gone through… someone to call the insurance company for you, so you don’t have to add any more stress to this situation, someone that will cancel all of your subscriptions and mailings, someone that can contact your registry and cancel it… someone to do this Horribly hard things that I am still not able to do. You think I want to walk in to Babies R Us and say hey, I need to cancel my registry? Or pull up there page and do it, or call… I don’t want any part of that… it just hurts too much. There is so much more that goes in to the pain than just losing your child or children… it’s like these are constant reminders of what’s no longer there. I mean I cant even walk in a baby section at the store, let alone call and cancel my registry!
As you can tell… I am not having a good day. Let alone month!
Every time I check the mail I get all of these baby coupons and Happy Mother’s Day stuff… and wow, first time mom… that’s like a slap in the face! I just want to scream, yell whatever!
After the girls’ passed away Billy went in to my e-mail and took me off the subscribers list to all of the baby stuff I had subscribed too… but you think that has stopped the e-mails from coming or the mail from pouring in? I wish I could post something on my mailbox that said, “STOP sending me mail in regards to babies, my daughters have passed away.”
Just writing that hurts so bad… “My daughters have passed away…” Seriously? That hurts. It’s pain you could never understand. Pain I wouldn’t want you to understand.
Lately I have been so angry. I get annoyed so easily and just go off. Unfortunately, my husband is the one who has to bear it. Any little thing sets me off… I guess they were right when they said your emotions will be like a roller coaster. I wish there was a way to just burst this pressure that lingers inside my chest. I feel that it just keeps getting tighter and tighter ready to just be released… but how do I release it?
Deep breaths, take deep breaths is what I keep telling myself. And actually it does help a little bit.
Good news Now!- My HR department is AWESOME and has decided that under my circumstances they are still going to allow me to put the girls on my plan, so their medical bills (still seems crazy to me that they have medical bills…) will be covered. Thank Goodness! I just have a few forms to fill out and we will be good to go, well hopefully we will be good to go… keep your fingers crossed!
“May 1 - May 7 is "RECOGNIZING A MOTHER'S STRENGTH AFTER LOSING A CHILD" WEEK. Losing a child is the hardest thing a Mother will ever have to go through in her life.”
"The tiny footprints left behind on your heart bespeak your name as Mother."
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
my niece, Anna
Lately my niece keeps talking about my girls. My niece, Anna, is only 4 years old. It all started last week when we were hanging out at Billy’s parents house and she was playing on the computer. My MIL has a picture of Taylor and Riley saved on her desktop and some how Anna found it and pulled it up. She came walking over and said, “Aunt Ashley a picture of your babies is on the computer.” I asked her if she wanted me to come and take it off for her so she can keep playing and her response was, “No Thank you! But do you want to come see your babies?” Of course I walked over to the computer and looked at the picture with her. I asked her if she knew who was who… Might I add, I have TONS of pictures of the girls around my house, but when my nieces come over, I have always taken them down. I guess Billy and I do that bc we don’t think they will understand what really happened. Well, as I sat down with her, looking at a beautiful picture of Taylor and Riley, I asked her if she knew who was who. Without reminding her of their names, she pointed at Taylor and said, “That’s Taylor.” And then she pointed at Riley and said, “That’s Riley.” Oh man did that touch my heart. I am not sure if any one had explained to her who was who, but I know I haven’t, and even if someone had, it wouldn’t have been a repetitive thing. She knew and remembered who her cousins were. I almost started crying right then. I never knew she even knew what they looked like, let alone could identify them!
On Sunday Anna came over to my house before we went to the pool. She once again started talking about Taylor and Riley. She said to me, “Aunt Ashley I miss your babies.” And I told her that I did too… then she said, “Yeah, but they’re in heaven now and I sent a balloon up to them.” And then later on she said, “But Aunt Ashley you are having one more baby right?” I told her that we plan on having a lot more babies and she said, “Yeah, you will have lots and lots of babies.”
She is too cute. Even now just thinking back at the things she said makes me tear up. She is only 4 and it’s like she knows that I miss them and am hurting, and every time she mentions them, it’s like a reminder to me that everything will be ok, and that she is thinking of them too.
This was also not the first time she has mentioned me having more children. I remember a few weeks after the girls birth, Anna came up to me and said, “Aunt Ashley, do you have another baby in there?”
The things kids say are so amazing, and so cute. Anna’s mom, Michelle, is pregnant with a baby boy, so I think me being pregnant for so long, and now her mom being pregnant makes her constantly have babies on her mind. But I know she is thinking of her cousins, and she is just so sweet when she tells me how beautiful Taylor and Riley were.
This month has been really hard already, and its on the first week of May!! I was supposed to deliver Riley and Taylor this month. Its amazing how time flies, it seems like only yesterday when this tragedy entered my life.
May 1st, Saturday, I went to a friend of ours wedding. It was a gorgeous wedding, and it was nice to see all of our college friends again that we haven’t seen in a while. It was a little weird for me being there. I was supposed to be VERY pregnant at this wedding. It was also a little hard bc it was the first time I had been out with that group of friends in a long time. I went out for my birthday, but it was only with my closest girl friends, so this was a big step for me.
I did ok, but couldn’t help myself from talking about the girls. And of course people asked how I was doing. I didn’t cry until the father daughter dance came on… they played the same song I played for my dad and I at our wedding, “I loved her first.” I kept thinking of my daughters and Billy and how he is never going to get that dance with Riley and Taylor, he will never get the chance to walk his 2 daughters down the aisle. The verses that really got me were,
“But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep…”
How true is that? The love of a father AND a mother runs so deep. It is an unconditional love that will NEVER go away. As I sat there, trying to fight back the tears, I just couldn’t hold them in any longer. I cried so hard. Billy just held me and I tried not to let anyone see me… even though I was sitting at a table with a group of friends, and their dates I didn’t know! After the song was over I casually walked out to go to the restroom. I told Billy to stay there, so it wouldn’t make a scene, but of course as soon as I walked out the door, I heard footsteps running up behind me! My husband is so caring, nurturing and PERFECT! He came and explained to me that he was feeling the same thing, and it upsets him just thinking how he will never be able to do that with the girls, but he was trying to hold in his feelings. Unlike me, that totally lost it!! I told him there would be no more crying, and I enjoyed the rest of my night! Billy’s best friend, Joel, brought a date, Barbara. Her boyfriend passed away a year ago and she said she could totally see where I was coming from. She said when he passed away, she would just walk up to people and say, “My boyfriend died.” – That’s exactly what I want to do at times. I feel like no matter where I go, I want to let people know what happened to me and my daughters’. But do you realize how uncomfortable people get. I went to get my hair cut the other day and some how the topic of my girls came up. The hair dresser was so talkative up until that point. Then after it was said, she stopped talking. Believe it or not that’s a reaction I get a lot. I don’t understand why people get like that. I was talking to you before, now all of a sudden you know my daughters died so you feel like you can’t talk to me anymore? I understand people get nervous maybe, or a little uncomfortable, but honestly how do they think I feel when they do that? I am already mourning the loss of my daughters, and now you just want to shut me out and not speak to me? I just find it weird the way some people react.
I am hoping this month will fly by… given the circumstances. I cant help but think about the joy that was supposed to arrive this month. Instead our joys arrived in January and will forever be in our hearts. I miss them so much. I can keep saying it and saying it… and the pain hasn’t gone away and doesn’t go away. Maybe one day?
On Sunday Anna came over to my house before we went to the pool. She once again started talking about Taylor and Riley. She said to me, “Aunt Ashley I miss your babies.” And I told her that I did too… then she said, “Yeah, but they’re in heaven now and I sent a balloon up to them.” And then later on she said, “But Aunt Ashley you are having one more baby right?” I told her that we plan on having a lot more babies and she said, “Yeah, you will have lots and lots of babies.”
She is too cute. Even now just thinking back at the things she said makes me tear up. She is only 4 and it’s like she knows that I miss them and am hurting, and every time she mentions them, it’s like a reminder to me that everything will be ok, and that she is thinking of them too.
This was also not the first time she has mentioned me having more children. I remember a few weeks after the girls birth, Anna came up to me and said, “Aunt Ashley, do you have another baby in there?”
The things kids say are so amazing, and so cute. Anna’s mom, Michelle, is pregnant with a baby boy, so I think me being pregnant for so long, and now her mom being pregnant makes her constantly have babies on her mind. But I know she is thinking of her cousins, and she is just so sweet when she tells me how beautiful Taylor and Riley were.
This month has been really hard already, and its on the first week of May!! I was supposed to deliver Riley and Taylor this month. Its amazing how time flies, it seems like only yesterday when this tragedy entered my life.
May 1st, Saturday, I went to a friend of ours wedding. It was a gorgeous wedding, and it was nice to see all of our college friends again that we haven’t seen in a while. It was a little weird for me being there. I was supposed to be VERY pregnant at this wedding. It was also a little hard bc it was the first time I had been out with that group of friends in a long time. I went out for my birthday, but it was only with my closest girl friends, so this was a big step for me.
I did ok, but couldn’t help myself from talking about the girls. And of course people asked how I was doing. I didn’t cry until the father daughter dance came on… they played the same song I played for my dad and I at our wedding, “I loved her first.” I kept thinking of my daughters and Billy and how he is never going to get that dance with Riley and Taylor, he will never get the chance to walk his 2 daughters down the aisle. The verses that really got me were,
“But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep…”
How true is that? The love of a father AND a mother runs so deep. It is an unconditional love that will NEVER go away. As I sat there, trying to fight back the tears, I just couldn’t hold them in any longer. I cried so hard. Billy just held me and I tried not to let anyone see me… even though I was sitting at a table with a group of friends, and their dates I didn’t know! After the song was over I casually walked out to go to the restroom. I told Billy to stay there, so it wouldn’t make a scene, but of course as soon as I walked out the door, I heard footsteps running up behind me! My husband is so caring, nurturing and PERFECT! He came and explained to me that he was feeling the same thing, and it upsets him just thinking how he will never be able to do that with the girls, but he was trying to hold in his feelings. Unlike me, that totally lost it!! I told him there would be no more crying, and I enjoyed the rest of my night! Billy’s best friend, Joel, brought a date, Barbara. Her boyfriend passed away a year ago and she said she could totally see where I was coming from. She said when he passed away, she would just walk up to people and say, “My boyfriend died.” – That’s exactly what I want to do at times. I feel like no matter where I go, I want to let people know what happened to me and my daughters’. But do you realize how uncomfortable people get. I went to get my hair cut the other day and some how the topic of my girls came up. The hair dresser was so talkative up until that point. Then after it was said, she stopped talking. Believe it or not that’s a reaction I get a lot. I don’t understand why people get like that. I was talking to you before, now all of a sudden you know my daughters died so you feel like you can’t talk to me anymore? I understand people get nervous maybe, or a little uncomfortable, but honestly how do they think I feel when they do that? I am already mourning the loss of my daughters, and now you just want to shut me out and not speak to me? I just find it weird the way some people react.
I am hoping this month will fly by… given the circumstances. I cant help but think about the joy that was supposed to arrive this month. Instead our joys arrived in January and will forever be in our hearts. I miss them so much. I can keep saying it and saying it… and the pain hasn’t gone away and doesn’t go away. Maybe one day?
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Previous Blog Continued...
Each little cupcake had either the girls’ name on it or initial, or something reflecting them. They were definitely a hit at the BBQ!
Saturday morning we all woke up early for the walk. It was a beautiful day out! Our team raised $11,850 for the March of Dimes in memory of my Taylor and Riley. It was the most money any family team has raised in their 25 year history!! We were very proud about that and know that it was all contributed due to the love everyone has for my daughters!
Our team looked so good coming out in their pink and green!! Billy and I had a ton of support. All of our family and friends took the time to come walk for all babies that are born premature and most importantly, for my babies.
Our team took home 3 awards! Family Rookie of the Year, best t-shirt, and Top Family Team.
Saturday was hard to do, especially so soon, but we got through it. It was amazing how many other families were out there walking in their child’s memory. I also looked around at all of the kids there, some of them being premature. It was like you could tell which ones were, and I just felt so bad for them and their family. Some families had to spend months in the NICU and the outcome turned out for the worst. I couldn’t imagine suffering like that and even more I couldn’t imagine seeing my girls suffer like that.
Sunday Billy and I spent the day with his family. His aunt and cousin drove down from VA to walk for the girls. It was nice having them there and hanging out.
Monday morning my phone rang at 6am. It was my MIL calling very upset, she was taking my SIL to the hospital bc she was bleeding and having slight contractions. Michelle is only 18 weeks pregnant. Billy and I jumped out of bed immediately and had to relive our day all over again. Thank GOD the outcome was different. Michelle and the baby will be fine. The dr put her on some meds to slow her contractions and to calm everything down. The first shirt I grabbed was the pink shirt I had made for the girls. I thought about it, and thought maybe that wasn’t such a good idea to wear that. The first shirt my husband grabbed was the same shirt he wore the day I had the girls. Of course, he put it back and got a different shirt.
Walking in to that hospital was very hard, and very scary. Sitting and waiting was the worst. Thank goodness we did not spend all day there, and thank God my unborn nephew is ok.
Friday marked 3 months. Its amazing how time flies. It feels to me that it was just yesterday all of this happened. I got my medical records and reading them was very hard for me. This whole time I thought that the dr was able to get me 0+ blood for my transfusions, but after reading the report, they couldn’t get it in time, so they had to give me trauma blood for my first 2 transfusions… I am thankful my body accepted it. Reading these things makes it more real what actually went down that day… makes it hard to accept.
My new friend, Heather called me Friday morning just to tell me she was thinking of me. She came to the walk to support my babies, and hers. She had a daughter, Abby, in November. Abby was not premature like my girls, everything was fine and she went to the dr waiting for the few days her little Abby would enter this world, and there was no heart beat. Poor Heather, poor Abby. I am happy I met her. Its nice to talk to other moms and especially a mom that has lost her child a few months before I lost my girls. No one knows what we are going through unless they have walked in our shoes.
Saturday morning we all woke up early for the walk. It was a beautiful day out! Our team raised $11,850 for the March of Dimes in memory of my Taylor and Riley. It was the most money any family team has raised in their 25 year history!! We were very proud about that and know that it was all contributed due to the love everyone has for my daughters!
Our team looked so good coming out in their pink and green!! Billy and I had a ton of support. All of our family and friends took the time to come walk for all babies that are born premature and most importantly, for my babies.
Our team took home 3 awards! Family Rookie of the Year, best t-shirt, and Top Family Team.
Saturday was hard to do, especially so soon, but we got through it. It was amazing how many other families were out there walking in their child’s memory. I also looked around at all of the kids there, some of them being premature. It was like you could tell which ones were, and I just felt so bad for them and their family. Some families had to spend months in the NICU and the outcome turned out for the worst. I couldn’t imagine suffering like that and even more I couldn’t imagine seeing my girls suffer like that.
Sunday Billy and I spent the day with his family. His aunt and cousin drove down from VA to walk for the girls. It was nice having them there and hanging out.
Monday morning my phone rang at 6am. It was my MIL calling very upset, she was taking my SIL to the hospital bc she was bleeding and having slight contractions. Michelle is only 18 weeks pregnant. Billy and I jumped out of bed immediately and had to relive our day all over again. Thank GOD the outcome was different. Michelle and the baby will be fine. The dr put her on some meds to slow her contractions and to calm everything down. The first shirt I grabbed was the pink shirt I had made for the girls. I thought about it, and thought maybe that wasn’t such a good idea to wear that. The first shirt my husband grabbed was the same shirt he wore the day I had the girls. Of course, he put it back and got a different shirt.
Walking in to that hospital was very hard, and very scary. Sitting and waiting was the worst. Thank goodness we did not spend all day there, and thank God my unborn nephew is ok.
Friday marked 3 months. Its amazing how time flies. It feels to me that it was just yesterday all of this happened. I got my medical records and reading them was very hard for me. This whole time I thought that the dr was able to get me 0+ blood for my transfusions, but after reading the report, they couldn’t get it in time, so they had to give me trauma blood for my first 2 transfusions… I am thankful my body accepted it. Reading these things makes it more real what actually went down that day… makes it hard to accept.
My new friend, Heather called me Friday morning just to tell me she was thinking of me. She came to the walk to support my babies, and hers. She had a daughter, Abby, in November. Abby was not premature like my girls, everything was fine and she went to the dr waiting for the few days her little Abby would enter this world, and there was no heart beat. Poor Heather, poor Abby. I am happy I met her. Its nice to talk to other moms and especially a mom that has lost her child a few months before I lost my girls. No one knows what we are going through unless they have walked in our shoes.
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