my niece, Anna

Lately my niece keeps talking about my girls. My niece, Anna, is only 4 years old. It all started last week when we were hanging out at Billy’s parents house and she was playing on the computer. My MIL has a picture of Taylor and Riley saved on her desktop and some how Anna found it and pulled it up. She came walking over and said, “Aunt Ashley a picture of your babies is on the computer.” I asked her if she wanted me to come and take it off for her so she can keep playing and her response was, “No Thank you! But do you want to come see your babies?” Of course I walked over to the computer and looked at the picture with her. I asked her if she knew who was who… Might I add, I have TONS of pictures of the girls around my house, but when my nieces come over, I have always taken them down. I guess Billy and I do that bc we don’t think they will understand what really happened. Well, as I sat down with her, looking at a beautiful picture of Taylor and Riley, I asked her if she knew who was who. Without reminding her of their names, she pointed at Taylor and said, “That’s Taylor.” And then she pointed at Riley and said, “That’s Riley.” Oh man did that touch my heart. I am not sure if any one had explained to her who was who, but I know I haven’t, and even if someone had, it wouldn’t have been a repetitive thing. She knew and remembered who her cousins were. I almost started crying right then. I never knew she even knew what they looked like, let alone could identify them!

On Sunday Anna came over to my house before we went to the pool. She once again started talking about Taylor and Riley. She said to me, “Aunt Ashley I miss your babies.” And I told her that I did too… then she said, “Yeah, but they’re in heaven now and I sent a balloon up to them.” And then later on she said, “But Aunt Ashley you are having one more baby right?” I told her that we plan on having a lot more babies and she said, “Yeah, you will have lots and lots of babies.”

She is too cute. Even now just thinking back at the things she said makes me tear up. She is only 4 and it’s like she knows that I miss them and am hurting, and every time she mentions them, it’s like a reminder to me that everything will be ok, and that she is thinking of them too.

This was also not the first time she has mentioned me having more children. I remember a few weeks after the girls birth, Anna came up to me and said, “Aunt Ashley, do you have another baby in there?”

The things kids say are so amazing, and so cute. Anna’s mom, Michelle, is pregnant with a baby boy, so I think me being pregnant for so long, and now her mom being pregnant makes her constantly have babies on her mind. But I know she is thinking of her cousins, and she is just so sweet when she tells me how beautiful Taylor and Riley were.

This month has been really hard already, and its on the first week of May!! I was supposed to deliver Riley and Taylor this month. Its amazing how time flies, it seems like only yesterday when this tragedy entered my life.

May 1st, Saturday, I went to a friend of ours wedding. It was a gorgeous wedding, and it was nice to see all of our college friends again that we haven’t seen in a while. It was a little weird for me being there. I was supposed to be VERY pregnant at this wedding. It was also a little hard bc it was the first time I had been out with that group of friends in a long time. I went out for my birthday, but it was only with my closest girl friends, so this was a big step for me.

I did ok, but couldn’t help myself from talking about the girls. And of course people asked how I was doing. I didn’t cry until the father daughter dance came on… they played the same song I played for my dad and I at our wedding, “I loved her first.” I kept thinking of my daughters and Billy and how he is never going to get that dance with Riley and Taylor, he will never get the chance to walk his 2 daughters down the aisle. The verses that really got me were,

“But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep…”

How true is that? The love of a father AND a mother runs so deep. It is an unconditional love that will NEVER go away. As I sat there, trying to fight back the tears, I just couldn’t hold them in any longer. I cried so hard. Billy just held me and I tried not to let anyone see me… even though I was sitting at a table with a group of friends, and their dates I didn’t know! After the song was over I casually walked out to go to the restroom. I told Billy to stay there, so it wouldn’t make a scene, but of course as soon as I walked out the door, I heard footsteps running up behind me! My husband is so caring, nurturing and PERFECT! He came and explained to me that he was feeling the same thing, and it upsets him just thinking how he will never be able to do that with the girls, but he was trying to hold in his feelings. Unlike me, that totally lost it!! I told him there would be no more crying, and I enjoyed the rest of my night! Billy’s best friend, Joel, brought a date, Barbara. Her boyfriend passed away a year ago and she said she could totally see where I was coming from. She said when he passed away, she would just walk up to people and say, “My boyfriend died.” – That’s exactly what I want to do at times. I feel like no matter where I go, I want to let people know what happened to me and my daughters’. But do you realize how uncomfortable people get. I went to get my hair cut the other day and some how the topic of my girls came up. The hair dresser was so talkative up until that point. Then after it was said, she stopped talking. Believe it or not that’s a reaction I get a lot. I don’t understand why people get like that. I was talking to you before, now all of a sudden you know my daughters died so you feel like you can’t talk to me anymore? I understand people get nervous maybe, or a little uncomfortable, but honestly how do they think I feel when they do that? I am already mourning the loss of my daughters, and now you just want to shut me out and not speak to me? I just find it weird the way some people react.

I am hoping this month will fly by… given the circumstances. I cant help but think about the joy that was supposed to arrive this month. Instead our joys arrived in January and will forever be in our hearts. I miss them so much. I can keep saying it and saying it… and the pain hasn’t gone away and doesn’t go away. Maybe one day?