May 20, 2010

As the days near closer to the 24th, I have been having more anxiety, and more bad days. I have been getting mad at the littlest things. Many people have asked me about Taylor and Riley's due date, most may remember it was originally June 7th. However, because I was having twins, my doctor said that he would induce me May 24th if I hadn't delivered by then. I would have been 38 weeks at that time and it would have been fine for them to come. Billy gets upset with me for dwelling on that date, bc most women do not deliver on their original due date, and since the girls were already born, May 24th is no longer their "due date", but to me that date is a reminder of "what should have been". If I had made it to next week my girls would have been fine, and come time for Billy's birthday, he would have had 2 beautiful girls to sit and watch him open his gifts, to hug and kiss him, to be there filling our lives with so much joy and so many momentous occassions. Instead, they are now in Heaven. Sure they will be there in spirit, but the pain of me wanting to hold them in my arms lingers.

Many say that the days will soon get easier to handle, not forget, but handle. I have yet to see those days. And dont think I will for some time now.

Their clothes are still hanging in their closet. The basket full of "baby goodies" is still sitting by the door with their 2 baby bibs that read, "Daddy's Angels". Who would have thought that saying would be more true? Now they are Daddy's Angels, Literally. How fair is that? How fair is it that other moms get to enjoy their children, while mine rest peacefully in Heaven? I guess we can be reminded that yes, they are peaceful now.

Last Friday I went down to the Social Security office and FINALLY applied for their Social Security Numbers. I had to wait for a few things before I could actually apply. We should be getting them in 2-3 weeks. What a horrible day that was.

Constantly I am getting reminders that they are no longer with us. This happened almost 4 months ago and yet things still arent complete for them. It's amazing how much work and stress goes in to the process of having your baby die.

On another note, my brother-in-law, Pat, bought the girls a bench for their site. It just came in and is PERFECT! It reads, "MY BEAUTIFUL NIECES, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH." It was very sweet of him to do that for the girls. Now we have a place to sit while we visit (which might I add is VERY often!) When I walked out and saw the bench I was so happy it was FINALLY there! We have been wiating on it for 3 months now, and now their site is finally complete! Walking away from the site brought me to tears. Driving back to work I couldnt fight off the tears. It still pains me, almost like the wounds are brand new. As mentioned in one of my previous blogs, who would ever think they would look forward to the day that the site for their child/children was complete. This brought me some reassurance that they are gone, they arent coming back. i dream at night and imagine what it would have been like had things turned out for the better, but that is not a reality for me.. it is but yet a dream.

I am still getting things in the mail and constant e-mails reminding me how many weeks i would have been. Just the other day I recieved 2 cans of baby formula in the mail. These are reminders I would like to go away to say the least! The reminders I love receiving are cards from friends! The other day I looked in the mail and found a card from one of my sorority sisters I hadn't seen in a while. Probably since I graduated in 2005!! Well, I opened it up and it was a gift card from 7 of my sorority sisters, and it read "Have a date night out on us!" That was so sweet. I was shocked and humbled at the same time. I was close to these girls in college, but through the years we have all lost touch, and for them to think of me brought me to tears! Thank you Leah, Brittany, Keri, Christi, Casey, Breana, and Katie!

My sorority is a SISTERHOOD and we will always be there for each other, and nothing proved that more than this year having to go through this. So many of my sisters have reached out to Billy and I. So many have donated to the March of Dimes or sent us cards and e-mails. "OBIC" is there for a reason and I truly believe that. I know Taylor and Riley are up in Heaven joined with all of the other ADPI's that have passed away.

My blogs arent as common as they used to be. It seems as if my days remain busy, but now i keep a lil journal to post notes in it on what i am thinking. That also helps me.

Some Positivity for the night... One of my sorority sisters has been going through the adoption process. She has been trying to adopt a baby from Ethiopia and YAY, she finally received news that her baby boy was born. She is going to go visit him in the next few weeks, and hopes to bring him home in the next few months. She posted a video of her and her husband seeing their son for the first time through a picture, and you could totally grasp the joy, love and happiness in their faces. Watching the video brought my tears rolling! I am so happy for them, but watching their video also pained me a bit. I was so happy when I met my daughters for the first time, but my happines was overcome with pain. I had tears of joy and tears of hurt all that day. Tears of joy and tears of pain still today.