September 15, 2010
I started off this morning to a great start. I woke up and headed off to the doctor for my 16 week cerclage check. Unfortunately, Billy was out of town for work, so he was unable to come with me, but my sister, Courtney, was able to come! I’m scared to go alone. Billy has been at every single appointment with me up until today. He was also at all of Taylor and Riley’s appointments except for one.
I was sick one day, and felt horrible so the doctor had me come in to do a check up, so the actual appointment that time really was not scheduled and didn’t have anything to do with Taylor and Riley per say, it was more them making sure I didn’t need to be on antibiotics or what not for my cold. Well, this was the ONLY time Billy had not been with me, and when I went in, as they went to check the girls heart beats, they only found one. I absolutely panicked! So now, I’m scared to go alone for fear of something like that happening again and me being alone. Well eventually they were able to find the second heart beat, but still those few minutes were just horrible.
Well, today Courtney came with me and of course the second I left the appointment my first phone call was to Billy to give him an update!
3 is one very healthy baby boy! He was VERY active today, moving all around! His heart rate was 147; which is good. They did a quick glimpse and it looked like everything was in the right place and fully functioning. We do a complete anatomy check up at our next appointment in 2 weeks. He was SO CUTE and it looked like he was chewing and blowing kisses. One happy baby boy. It was hard to get a good picture this time because he was so active, but we did manage to get a few! The sonographer got one AWESOME shot of one of his little feet. It is so adorable!! We also got a few of his head and body, his face, and of his “male parts”.
The doctor brought up another option Billy and I may want to seek, Progesterone shots. This is a shot that I would have to take EVERY WEEK starting at 20 weeks up until 37 weeks. Studies show that these shots MAY help reduce the chance of preterm labor. The doctor, however, did remind me that my circumstances are different this time: I have a cerclage, I am being followed EXTREMELY closely, and there is only one baby this time. So far my cervix is looking healthy, measured 4.7 today and my stitch is holding firm. I read on the March of Dimes web page that these shots have not proven to have any short term side effects on the baby (for up to 2 years of age) but they don’t have any studies to show any long term side effects… so you never know if these shots could effect 3 in the future. Many women have taken these shots and I was reading one blog where a lady said she took them and it prolonged her labor, however she still delivered preterm @ 30 something weeks. I haven’t seen anywhere where someone has taken the shots and has had a cerclage. We still have 4 weeks to decide on this, it was just an option we have, not necessarily a recommendation. Any opinions on what you would do?! Im so scared of effecting 3, and the way I am seeing it is my doctor is already following me SO close, that I feel if things do turn for the worst, we will be able to catch it in time this time, but then again you never know.
Dr P also said that beginning 20 weeks, I won’t be able to travel or go really anywhere that’s too far from him. Not that I would anyway, and even if I did, not that Billy would let me!! At 20 weeks I will be monitored even more and will more than likely be moving from bi-weekly visits to weekly visits. But that’s fine with me because I LOVE seeing my lil man grow!
Well that’s about it on todays visit to the doctor… Im hoping I will start feeling my lil boy moving real soon! I read that you can start feeling your baby as early as 16 weeks and each pregnancy you can feel movement sooner. I remember I really didn’t start feeling Taylor and Riley until later in my pregnancy, but maybe since this is my second pregnancy ill be feeling him move earlier on? Ill keep you posted on that!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
September 10,2010
September 10, 2010
As usual, I find my self blogging mainly when I am having a bad day, or have had a few bad days in a row...
Tuesday I fell back into a slump. I was at the grave visiting my girls as I ALWAYS do and I was fine. Sitting there peacefully enjoying my Flatbread and smoothie and just talking to my girls. Then a car pulled up. I m usually at the cemetery alone, or at least the area where Taylor and Riley are buried no one else is usually around. Tuesday was different, a car pulled up and a family of 3 were bringing flowers to someone kind of close to Taylor and Riley. I just sat on the girls bench and so many thoughts were running through my head. First, I wondered who they were visiting? The family was older, looked like a mom, a dad, and an older daughter in her mid 40's. Were they visiting a relative? Grandparents/parents? Everyone I was imagining in my head would have been an older person. Then I wondered to myself if they were thinking the same thing about me and wondering who I was visiting. How many times do you really walk in to a cemetery or hear of a death and think of a baby or a child? Usually never. The thought of that just made me fall into tears. As my eyes water once again while writing this. I said goodbye to my babies, kissed their headstone 4 times, as I always do (2 kisses for each girl) and then got in my car and lost it. As I slowly pulled out of the cemetery I looked back and saw that family kind of walking toward my girls. Im sure they were curious as to who I was visiting.
That set my mood for the rest of the day/night. After work, I went home, changed in to my PJ's and cuddled up on the couch and waited for Billy to get home. I had tears in my eyes as he walked in and he knew it had been "one of those days" for me.
It's amazing how some days I find myself "getting better" and then one little thing can trigger me right back into my crying spells.
The other day I for the FIRST time, was able to look at Taylor and Riley's baby registry. Billy and I figured we would use the same registry for 3, just change all the girl stuff to boy and update the registry to only 1 of everything instead of 2.
It's so weird. At the beginning of this pregnancy when I would refer to 3, knowing I was only carrying 1 child this time, I would always say, "When my babies come..." There were so many times I had to correct myself. Sometime its a complete blur as to what happened that day, and facing reality, then I look at a picture of my beautiful angels and accept reality.
Anytime I drive, I sit back and that is my time to be in complete silence and just gather my thoughts. The other day, while driving I started thinking about "that day". Such a painful day. These memories I dont think I will ever be able to get out of my head.
Then I look, and I see the world around me, and have faith that I will see the light again, and although I know i will NEVER be healed of this pain that lingers in my heart, i hope and pray I will just be able to handle it a little easier.
I look at the precious gift God has given one of my sorority sisters, and think to myself that at one point Im sure she was at her lowest, after the doctors had advised her she would never be able to conceive, and then she went through an adoption process, was matched with a child and then found out she was pregnant. Such joy has come into her life after Im sure, much sorrow and pain.
Billy and I are COMPLETELY overjoyed with finding we are expecting again, and now even more having a little boy, but at times I feel that our joy is outshined by fear. Fear of the same outcome. I have 100% trust in my doctors, but then again only God knows what the future holds. Every little thing Billy and I worry about.
I still have trouble doing certain thnings, the only ultrasounds I like to see are my own, my beautiful baby boy, even looking at Taylor and Rileys ultrasounds at times are hard.
My sister in law is being induced on Monday, and I dont know how to feel. I am so excited to meet my nephew, but at the same time I dont know how hard it will be looking at a newborn. The last newborns I saw were my own. I am trying to brace myself and trying to prepare for Monday. Some may tell me to "suck it up" or "it's totally different" etc, but they arent in my shoes. Its hard to look at twins, and I have a feeling seeing a newborn will be just as hard. I will def be at that hospital though and will be there for my nephew. A few weeks later my sister will be having her twin boys, which Im sure will bring up more emotions as well seeing Twin newborns. I guess these are things I will get used to, it's just really hard. However, I cannot wait until Feb/March to meet my baby boy! He is truly a blessing to us.
As for my cerclage. All is good now!! a week or so of pain, and now Im ALMOST back to my self. I still feel discomfort if I walk too much, but the doctor said that will happen. I go to my next appointment on Wednesday to check the length of my cervix and make sure the stitch is holding. Praying that all goes well! From here on out I have doctor appointments every 2 weeks, and if there is any change in my body they may go to every week, or even more than that. I have no problem with this!! I get to see my lil man growing every 2 weeks! one week is a cervical length check up and then the next is a baby checkup, however each time they will look at both, but every other week they focus on just one thing, baby or cervix.
Billy and I had tickets to the UF/USF game this weekend, but due to the Koran burning we decided not to take the chance of anything happening and decided it's not worth the life of our 3rd baby, so we arent going. I know to some this may sound ridiculous, but this is how we live day to day... we try to avoid any bad situation possible. Chances are all will be fine, but we arent taking that chance. So on that note... we will be watching the game in St Pete, and Go BULLS!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
September 1, 2010
I am finally feeling more like myself and a lot of my discomfort has gone away, so thought I would now blog about my surgery and about what has gone on in the past 2 weeks!
On Monday, August 23rd, I had my cervical cerclage put in. For those of you who are unaware of what that is, it's a stitch the doctor has placed on my cervix to stitch it hope to HOPEFULLY prevent me from going into pre-term labor again. This was a HUGE deal for my husband and I bc this stitch is what is going to save my baby's life. Just wish they would have thought to put one in for my beautiful daughters :( . There is no guarantee that the stitch will hold to 37 weeks, but we are all very optimistic that it will! At 37 weeks, around February 8th, Dr P will remove the cerclage and at any time after that I will be ok to go in to labor. I've heard stories on what could possibly happen : 1. The stitch does not hold until 37 weeks, and I may have to have a 2nd cerclage put in, or if I am far enough along, i go in to labor 2. At 37 weeks, after the stitch is removed I go in to labor right away, or a few days later 3. because of all of the scar tissue that will be building around my cervix bc of the stitch, it is possible that I am unable to have a vaginal birth bc my cervix will not allow it, and the doctor will have to induce me and deliver via C-section. We are praying for scenario # 2!!
Ok, now on to "that" day... Monday morning I was a ball of nerves, literally. I have been full of nerves every week leading up to the cerclage, and on Monday it was even worse. I was nervous for baby #3 and was nervous to be back in the operating room- not too nervous about the actual procedure. Dr P chose to have me go to the outpatient hospital for the procedure. I am thinking he did this knowing how I was feeling about being back in the OR at Baby Place, the same OR that i delivered my Riley in. Well, Billy and I pulled in to the hospital and after filling out the proper paperwork, we took a seat in the waiting room. A few minutes had gone by, maybe 30, and all of a sudden I heard a panicked voice coming from the lady sitting near us. She was leaning over her Husband, that was hunched over in his chair, screaming "Mike! Mike!". I looked over and saw that the man's joints were starting to lock up and he was having a seizure. His wife was in a panic. All of a sudden, he lifted his head and his pupils were HUGE and then he started making a screaming/moaning sound. I usually would help him, but being that we were in a hospital, and the nurses were there, and the fact that I was already EXTREMELY nervous about my procedure, I felt my chest start to tighten, I started to go in to a panic attack and started to tear up and we had to walk out. I felt so bad. How bad did that look that this poor man is in a full blown seizure and I had to walk out of the room. Well, at that point there was no way I would have been able to stay in that room, I was too shaken up. I felt so HORRIBLE for that man, and prayed that he would be ok. I soon found out that it seemed as if the man had a neurological disorder so that is what triggered his seizure, they all said he would be ok and he was sent to the ER.
Well, Billy and I went back inside, and then my name was called right away. They told me I had to go in ALONE!!!! I was freaking out! The nurse was very nice, and I had to change in to my gown and she had to start an IV. Of course by this point my tears were rolling. After I was all set, they allowed Billy and my parents to come in and wait with me. dr P came in and discussed everything with us. and I also met with the Anesthesiologist. We had decided to do a spinal. I did not want to be sedated.
Well wide awake they wheeled me, and me alone, in to the OR. Dr P was right there with me. As soon as I looked over at that tiny operating table, I lost it. I was a complete mess! They asked me to scoot on to the table from my bed and the entire time all i kept picturing was being in the OR with Riley, and the nurses having to pull me on to the operating table from my bed sheets. It was horrible being in there, wide awake, and without my husband. Dr P kept reminding me this is a whole new ball game. A whole new pregnancy, a differernt OR and COMPLETELY different circumstances. He tried his best to calm me down. After a lil while the Anesthesiologist started to prepare me for my spinal. I was so nervous, I HATE needles! Well he put one shot in, and i thought that was it... Wow was I wrong, that was just the numbing shot!! Then he put the Spinal in. I started to feel my feet tingle and get a lil heavy, but I was not a numb as they had hoped I would be. They started to prepare me, strap my legs up in the harnesses again, and i was really fidgity. It was mainly from my nerves. Time passed and I was just not settling down, and could still feel things, and the A kept asking if he could sedate me a bit. i kept refusing, but eventually, he asked again, and I said "Whatever Dr P wants me to do." he said that he thought that would be for the best. i asked a thousand questions on the effects it could possibly have on baby # 3, bc I was not going to do anything that would hurt my child, but he advised me that the baby would be fine, so I gave the ok, the A gave me the meds, and before I knew it i was passed out!
I woke up to at first nothing, but that was bc the meds were still in me! After a few minutes passed the pain started to sink in. Oh my did I have MAJOR cramping. The nurses, and doctors offered to give me pain meds, but I was already not happy about being sedated, and the pain meds were definately out of the question. I was not putting my child's well being at risk all for a bit of pain. I sucked it up. The doctor said I could take a lighter dose of pain meds, like Advil, but of course, I refused that too!
Billy and I got to leave a few hours later, and the pain had subsided a LITTLE. I was still in a lot of pain. We had decided to stay at the Vinoy, bc the doctor said it would not be good for me to use stairs right away, so we just went to the resort! Right away I climbed in to bed and did not want to get up. The pain hurt no matter what position I laid in, but was worse when i was sitting/standing so laying was my only option. Just as I would start to feel better, and the cramping would slow down, of course I would have to go to the restroom. Then every time I got up to do that, the pain/cramping/discomfort would come back! It was a lose/lose situation... get up and hurt, or stay in bed and hold it and potentially get a bladder infection.
Well each day got a lil better. Tuesday I was still real crampy/sore and Wednesday too. Thursday came, and I started to feel a bit better and would only cramp every now and then, Friday the same, and then Saturday was a bit better. This has been off and on since the surgery. Thankfully the cramping has gone away, but still discomfort. Especially if I stand or sit too long. That puts extra pressure on my cervix so makes it even more sore. I pretty much have gone to work this week, and then gone straight home to lay down and not get up!!
Monday, August 30th, was 7 months since my angels entered this world. I was achy, sore, it was my first day back at work, and was VERY emotional for me. I just could not stop crying. I just wish my babies could have been saved. This is the worst pain I have ever had to deal with. Losing a child I would not wish upon anyone, even my worst enemy. As mentioned before though, I have sought a lot of comfort in speaking to my mom friends that have also experienced a loss. They were all there for me too after my surgery. I got e-mails and texts from each of them! I had an awesome support system during my recovery. It was just a VERY extremely emotional ride for me... and not only me, but for my husband too!!
The discomfort still comes and goes and the doctor said it will prob last for 3-4 WEEKS!!! crazy, but all worth it in the end!
After all that happened on Monday, Billy and I were just very nervous for baby # 3. We just wanted to make sure he/she was healthy. Well finally Tuesday, August 31st, had come and it was time for our cerclage check-up! We went in to the U/S room and the second the sonographer put the thing on my tummy, our beautiful baby pooped up on the screen and was very active! Our minds were at ease!! I asked about the heart and what not, and when could they tell how he/she was doing anatomy wise. We were told prob not til about 16-18 weeks, but she did look at the heart and could tell that our lil one had 4 healthy chambers!! dr P walked in and his first words were, Wow! Look at that profile, thats one cute baby! Of course he/she is!! Taylor and Riley were absolutely gorgeous and we know # 3 will be just as perfect!
We asked when can we find out the sex. The sonographer started to toy around and man o man 3 was not shy at all! Legs were spread wide open. DrP said he does not like making assumptions/guesses that early on, i am 14 weeks, but it was quite obvious we are having a baby BOY!!!! The sonographer said, "If its not a boy, then I have no idea what that is!!" and then the doctor explained that girls can sometimes be swollen, and it may look like a boy at that time, but once the baby gets bigger, the swelling goes down. Our sonographer agreed, but then said, "yeah thats true, but its not usually that big!" LOL. So we are pretty positive we are having a baby boy! 2 beautiful baby girls and now a handsome baby boy! we are beyond excited! Of course, we werent very biased as to the sex of this lil one, all we were/are praying for is full term and healthy!
If in fact 3 is a boy, his name will be Charles William Young III --after his grandpa and dad! And his nickname will be Three!! because he will be the 3rd CWY and our 3rd child! We are very excited!! Grandpa Abreu is already planning his baseball career, and Billys already been searching for yankees clothes! LOL.
On Monday, August 23rd, I had my cervical cerclage put in. For those of you who are unaware of what that is, it's a stitch the doctor has placed on my cervix to stitch it hope to HOPEFULLY prevent me from going into pre-term labor again. This was a HUGE deal for my husband and I bc this stitch is what is going to save my baby's life. Just wish they would have thought to put one in for my beautiful daughters :( . There is no guarantee that the stitch will hold to 37 weeks, but we are all very optimistic that it will! At 37 weeks, around February 8th, Dr P will remove the cerclage and at any time after that I will be ok to go in to labor. I've heard stories on what could possibly happen : 1. The stitch does not hold until 37 weeks, and I may have to have a 2nd cerclage put in, or if I am far enough along, i go in to labor 2. At 37 weeks, after the stitch is removed I go in to labor right away, or a few days later 3. because of all of the scar tissue that will be building around my cervix bc of the stitch, it is possible that I am unable to have a vaginal birth bc my cervix will not allow it, and the doctor will have to induce me and deliver via C-section. We are praying for scenario # 2!!
Ok, now on to "that" day... Monday morning I was a ball of nerves, literally. I have been full of nerves every week leading up to the cerclage, and on Monday it was even worse. I was nervous for baby #3 and was nervous to be back in the operating room- not too nervous about the actual procedure. Dr P chose to have me go to the outpatient hospital for the procedure. I am thinking he did this knowing how I was feeling about being back in the OR at Baby Place, the same OR that i delivered my Riley in. Well, Billy and I pulled in to the hospital and after filling out the proper paperwork, we took a seat in the waiting room. A few minutes had gone by, maybe 30, and all of a sudden I heard a panicked voice coming from the lady sitting near us. She was leaning over her Husband, that was hunched over in his chair, screaming "Mike! Mike!". I looked over and saw that the man's joints were starting to lock up and he was having a seizure. His wife was in a panic. All of a sudden, he lifted his head and his pupils were HUGE and then he started making a screaming/moaning sound. I usually would help him, but being that we were in a hospital, and the nurses were there, and the fact that I was already EXTREMELY nervous about my procedure, I felt my chest start to tighten, I started to go in to a panic attack and started to tear up and we had to walk out. I felt so bad. How bad did that look that this poor man is in a full blown seizure and I had to walk out of the room. Well, at that point there was no way I would have been able to stay in that room, I was too shaken up. I felt so HORRIBLE for that man, and prayed that he would be ok. I soon found out that it seemed as if the man had a neurological disorder so that is what triggered his seizure, they all said he would be ok and he was sent to the ER.
Well, Billy and I went back inside, and then my name was called right away. They told me I had to go in ALONE!!!! I was freaking out! The nurse was very nice, and I had to change in to my gown and she had to start an IV. Of course by this point my tears were rolling. After I was all set, they allowed Billy and my parents to come in and wait with me. dr P came in and discussed everything with us. and I also met with the Anesthesiologist. We had decided to do a spinal. I did not want to be sedated.
Well wide awake they wheeled me, and me alone, in to the OR. Dr P was right there with me. As soon as I looked over at that tiny operating table, I lost it. I was a complete mess! They asked me to scoot on to the table from my bed and the entire time all i kept picturing was being in the OR with Riley, and the nurses having to pull me on to the operating table from my bed sheets. It was horrible being in there, wide awake, and without my husband. Dr P kept reminding me this is a whole new ball game. A whole new pregnancy, a differernt OR and COMPLETELY different circumstances. He tried his best to calm me down. After a lil while the Anesthesiologist started to prepare me for my spinal. I was so nervous, I HATE needles! Well he put one shot in, and i thought that was it... Wow was I wrong, that was just the numbing shot!! Then he put the Spinal in. I started to feel my feet tingle and get a lil heavy, but I was not a numb as they had hoped I would be. They started to prepare me, strap my legs up in the harnesses again, and i was really fidgity. It was mainly from my nerves. Time passed and I was just not settling down, and could still feel things, and the A kept asking if he could sedate me a bit. i kept refusing, but eventually, he asked again, and I said "Whatever Dr P wants me to do." he said that he thought that would be for the best. i asked a thousand questions on the effects it could possibly have on baby # 3, bc I was not going to do anything that would hurt my child, but he advised me that the baby would be fine, so I gave the ok, the A gave me the meds, and before I knew it i was passed out!
I woke up to at first nothing, but that was bc the meds were still in me! After a few minutes passed the pain started to sink in. Oh my did I have MAJOR cramping. The nurses, and doctors offered to give me pain meds, but I was already not happy about being sedated, and the pain meds were definately out of the question. I was not putting my child's well being at risk all for a bit of pain. I sucked it up. The doctor said I could take a lighter dose of pain meds, like Advil, but of course, I refused that too!
Billy and I got to leave a few hours later, and the pain had subsided a LITTLE. I was still in a lot of pain. We had decided to stay at the Vinoy, bc the doctor said it would not be good for me to use stairs right away, so we just went to the resort! Right away I climbed in to bed and did not want to get up. The pain hurt no matter what position I laid in, but was worse when i was sitting/standing so laying was my only option. Just as I would start to feel better, and the cramping would slow down, of course I would have to go to the restroom. Then every time I got up to do that, the pain/cramping/discomfort would come back! It was a lose/lose situation... get up and hurt, or stay in bed and hold it and potentially get a bladder infection.
Well each day got a lil better. Tuesday I was still real crampy/sore and Wednesday too. Thursday came, and I started to feel a bit better and would only cramp every now and then, Friday the same, and then Saturday was a bit better. This has been off and on since the surgery. Thankfully the cramping has gone away, but still discomfort. Especially if I stand or sit too long. That puts extra pressure on my cervix so makes it even more sore. I pretty much have gone to work this week, and then gone straight home to lay down and not get up!!
Monday, August 30th, was 7 months since my angels entered this world. I was achy, sore, it was my first day back at work, and was VERY emotional for me. I just could not stop crying. I just wish my babies could have been saved. This is the worst pain I have ever had to deal with. Losing a child I would not wish upon anyone, even my worst enemy. As mentioned before though, I have sought a lot of comfort in speaking to my mom friends that have also experienced a loss. They were all there for me too after my surgery. I got e-mails and texts from each of them! I had an awesome support system during my recovery. It was just a VERY extremely emotional ride for me... and not only me, but for my husband too!!
The discomfort still comes and goes and the doctor said it will prob last for 3-4 WEEKS!!! crazy, but all worth it in the end!
After all that happened on Monday, Billy and I were just very nervous for baby # 3. We just wanted to make sure he/she was healthy. Well finally Tuesday, August 31st, had come and it was time for our cerclage check-up! We went in to the U/S room and the second the sonographer put the thing on my tummy, our beautiful baby pooped up on the screen and was very active! Our minds were at ease!! I asked about the heart and what not, and when could they tell how he/she was doing anatomy wise. We were told prob not til about 16-18 weeks, but she did look at the heart and could tell that our lil one had 4 healthy chambers!! dr P walked in and his first words were, Wow! Look at that profile, thats one cute baby! Of course he/she is!! Taylor and Riley were absolutely gorgeous and we know # 3 will be just as perfect!
We asked when can we find out the sex. The sonographer started to toy around and man o man 3 was not shy at all! Legs were spread wide open. DrP said he does not like making assumptions/guesses that early on, i am 14 weeks, but it was quite obvious we are having a baby BOY!!!! The sonographer said, "If its not a boy, then I have no idea what that is!!" and then the doctor explained that girls can sometimes be swollen, and it may look like a boy at that time, but once the baby gets bigger, the swelling goes down. Our sonographer agreed, but then said, "yeah thats true, but its not usually that big!" LOL. So we are pretty positive we are having a baby boy! 2 beautiful baby girls and now a handsome baby boy! we are beyond excited! Of course, we werent very biased as to the sex of this lil one, all we were/are praying for is full term and healthy!
If in fact 3 is a boy, his name will be Charles William Young III --after his grandpa and dad! And his nickname will be Three!! because he will be the 3rd CWY and our 3rd child! We are very excited!! Grandpa Abreu is already planning his baseball career, and Billys already been searching for yankees clothes! LOL.
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