September 10,2010

 
September 10, 2010
 
As usual, I find my self blogging mainly when I am having a bad day, or have had a few bad days in a row...
 
Tuesday I fell back into a slump. I was at the grave visiting my girls as I ALWAYS do and I was fine. Sitting there peacefully enjoying my Flatbread and smoothie and just talking to my girls. Then a car pulled up. I m usually at the cemetery alone, or at least the area where Taylor and Riley are buried no one else is usually around. Tuesday was different, a car pulled up and a family of 3 were bringing flowers to someone kind of close to Taylor and Riley. I just sat on the girls bench and so many thoughts were running through my head. First, I wondered who they were visiting? The family was older, looked like a mom, a dad, and an older daughter in her mid 40's. Were they visiting a relative? Grandparents/parents? Everyone I was imagining in my head would have been an older person. Then I wondered to myself if they were thinking the same thing about me and wondering who I was visiting. How many times do you really walk in to a cemetery or hear of a death and think of a baby or a child? Usually never. The thought of that just made me fall into tears. As my eyes water once again while writing this. I said goodbye to my babies, kissed their headstone 4 times, as I always do (2 kisses for each girl) and then got in my car and lost it. As I slowly pulled out of the cemetery I looked back and saw that family kind of walking toward my girls. Im sure they were curious as to who I was visiting.
 
That set my mood for the rest of the day/night. After work, I went home, changed in to my PJ's and cuddled up on the couch and waited for Billy to get home. I had tears in my eyes as he walked in and he knew it had been "one of those days" for me.
 
It's amazing how some days I find myself "getting better" and then one little thing can trigger me right back into my crying spells.
 
The other day I for the FIRST time, was able to look at Taylor and Riley's baby registry. Billy and I figured we would use the same registry for 3, just change all the girl stuff to boy and update the registry to only 1 of everything instead of 2.
 
It's so weird. At the beginning of this pregnancy when I would refer to 3, knowing I was only carrying 1 child this time, I would always say, "When my babies come..." There were so many times I had to correct myself. Sometime its a complete blur as to what happened that day, and facing reality, then I look at a picture of my beautiful angels and accept reality.
 
Anytime I drive, I sit back and that is my time to be in complete silence and just gather my thoughts. The other day, while driving I started thinking about "that day". Such a painful day. These memories I dont think I will ever be able to get out of my head.
 
Then I look, and I see the world around me, and have faith that I will see the light again, and although I know i will NEVER be healed of this pain that lingers in my heart, i hope and pray I will just be able to handle it a little easier.
 
I look at the precious gift God has given one of my sorority sisters, and think to myself that at one point Im sure she was at her lowest, after the doctors had advised her she would never be able to conceive, and then she went through an adoption process, was matched with a child and then found out she was pregnant. Such joy has come into her life after Im sure, much sorrow and pain.
 
Billy and I are COMPLETELY overjoyed with finding we are expecting again, and now even more having a little boy, but at times I feel that our joy is outshined by fear. Fear of the same outcome. I have 100% trust in my doctors, but then again only God knows what the future holds. Every little thing Billy and I worry about.
 
I still have trouble doing certain thnings, the only ultrasounds I like to see are my own, my beautiful baby boy, even looking at Taylor and Rileys ultrasounds at times are hard.
 
My sister in law is being induced on Monday, and I dont know how to feel. I am so excited to meet my nephew, but at the same time I dont know how hard it will be looking at a newborn. The last newborns I saw were my own. I am trying to brace myself and trying to prepare for Monday. Some may tell me to "suck it up" or "it's totally different" etc, but they arent in my shoes. Its hard to look at twins, and I have a feeling seeing a newborn will be just as hard. I will def be at that hospital though and will be there for my nephew. A few weeks later my sister will be having her twin boys, which Im sure will bring up more emotions as well seeing Twin newborns. I guess these are things I will get used to, it's just really hard. However, I cannot wait until Feb/March to meet my baby boy! He is truly a blessing to us.
 
As for my cerclage. All is good now!! a week or so of pain, and now Im ALMOST back to my self. I still feel discomfort if I walk too much, but the doctor said that will happen. I go to my next appointment on Wednesday to check the length of my cervix and make sure the stitch is holding. Praying that all goes well! From here on out I have doctor appointments every 2 weeks, and if there is any change in my body they may go to every week, or even more than that. I have no problem with this!! I get to see my lil man growing every 2 weeks! one week is a cervical length check up and then the next is a baby checkup, however each time they will look at both, but every other week they focus on just one thing, baby or cervix.
 
Billy and I had tickets to the UF/USF game this weekend, but due to the Koran burning we decided not to take the chance of anything happening and decided it's not worth the life of our 3rd baby, so we arent going. I know to some this may sound ridiculous, but this is how we live day to day... we try to avoid any bad situation possible. Chances are all will be fine, but we arent taking that chance. So on that note... we will be watching the game in St Pete, and Go BULLS!