Poem - What makes a mother

"What Makes a Mother

Can You Be a Mommy if Your Baby's Not With You?
What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say:

A mother has a baby, This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied, With confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear.

I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile, With other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear.
'Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'

So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home, They'll be at heavens gate for you.

So now you see what makes a mother. It's a feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day, And you'll know that you're the best one!

Poem - Shoes

Shoes: "I am wearing a pair of shoes

They are ugly shoes

uncomfortable shoes

I hate my shoes

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I

do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them

I get funny looks wearing these shoes

They are looks of sympathy

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad

they are my shoes and not theirs

They never talk about my shoes

To learn how awful my shoes are might

make them uncomfortable

To truly understand these shoes you must walk

in them

But once you put them on, you can never take them off

I realize that I am not the only one

who wears these shoes

There are many pairs in the world

Some woman are like me and ache

daily as they walk in them

Some have learned how to walk in them

so that they don't hurt quite so much

Some have worn the shoes so long

that days will go before they think

about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman

These shoes have given me strength

to face anything

They have made me who I am

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child."

Poem- Just say Im Sorry

"JUST SAY 'I'M SORRY'

You don't know how I feel
Please don't tell me that you do.
There's just one way to know--have you lost a child too?
'You'll have another child!'--must I hear this each day?
Can I get another mother, too, if mine should pass away?
Don't say it was 'God's will'--
That's not the God I know,
Would God on purpose break my heart,
Then watch as my tears flow?
'Aren't you better yet?'
Is that what I heard you say?
NO! A part of my heart aches--
I'll always feel some pain.
You think that silence is kind,
But it hurts me even more.
I want to talk about my child
Who has gone through death's door.
Don't say these things to me,
Although you do mean well.
They do not take away the pain away;
I must go through this hell.
I will be better--slow but sure--
And it helps to have you near.
But a simple 'I'm sorry you lost your child'
is all I need to hear."

Poem - Miss You

"MISS YOU

A million times we'll miss you,
a million times we'll cry.
If loving could have saved you,
you never would have died.
In life we love you dearly,
In death we love you too.
In our hearts there is an empty place,
no one could fill but you.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
but you never went alone.
for part of us went with you,
when God took you home.
His garden must be pretty,
he only wants the best.
He put his loving arms around you
and said: 'My child, come home to rest'."

Poems

Above are a few Poems I would like to share. My new friend Amanda sent these to me, My favorite is, "What makes a mother".

e-mails...

I have received quite a few e-mails today. One hit close to home... I received an e-mail from a sorority sister; she has a friend that also lost twins. However, one was born sooner than the other. One of the twins past away the same day as Taylor and Riley. The other past away a few days later. I wonder, how is that mother handling things? Did she have to have two funerals on 2 different days? From what ive read from her caring bridge page, it seems that she was on bed rest at the time her first born passed. How horrible for her, my heart goes out to her and her husband and their families. This tragedy in her life happened the same day as mine and I wonder how is she handling everything? I reached out to her today. Maybe she will e-mail back, maybe not, that is ultimately her decision. I pray for her, and all of the other moms out there. This is the worst feeling in the world. And it hit close to home knowing that this mother was going through a loss at the same time I was.

2 months today

Do you ever have days where you just want to be left alone? That everytime someone asks you a question you just want to ask them to be quiet, every time the phone rings you get annoyed. That's the kind of day I had today. I think its bc I am upset. Today marks 2 months. I just wanted to be left alone, reading doesn't bother me... I actually enjoy it. But as far as talking... you could say I wasnt into it today! I hate when I am in the middle of reading something so heart-wrenching and then I get disturbed by rambling about nothing. Or at least nothing important to me. Is that awful? I just want to have a few time-outs. Just time to reflect on my daughters, quietly. That's all I wanted today. Just a day of peace and quiet. A day to be left alone. If you need me, e-mail me and I will respond when I want to, that's the kind of day I was having..

But then I went to the cemetery. I sat and visited my daughters grave for a while, and after that I felt peace. Walking up to it I was so upset, it was like there was no end to the tears running down my face. After a while of talking to the girls, i was calmer. It helps me going there, its very peaceful, no one to bother you, its filled with beauty and love, and its a place where i can just sit and talk without any interruptions.

It's been two months and it is still so hard. I feel that there is a huge whole in my heart and there is no way to make it solid again.

I was driving to the grave site and it was like i could do it with my eyes closed. In no time I was there, I couldnt remeber ever stopping. Who would have thought I would have the drive to a grave site where my daughters were layed to rest embedded in my head? It's crazy how life just sweeps you right off your feet. How you can be so happy, so excited and then "bam" you get hit with something like this.

I'm trying to do good, trying to heal, bc I know thats what Taylor and Riley would want me to do, but its hard. Some days are easier than others, I guess thats a good sign.

Bittersweet

I have been e-mailing back and forth with other mother's recently. One mother is a mother of twins, a son and daughter duo. Her story was very close to mine. She went in to labor at 21 weeks and the doctors gave her the same stuff they gave me to slow our contractions. The meds only slowed my contractions for a few hours, they slowed hers for 10 WEEKS! It's crazy how everyone's body reacts differently to things. She lost her son, Patrick, but they were able to save her beautiful little girl.

After reading her e-mail to me it was bittersweet. She is so blessed to have her daughter here with her. I often wonder, would it make the grieving process less hurtful if the doctors were able to save my Riley? And how come those meds didn’t work for me? I can honestly say I don’t think it would have made me hurt any less. I miss both of my beautiful girls. It pains me to even look at baby pictures of myself bc all I see in them is Riley. She was a clone of me, I swear!

When I close my eyes all I see is the image of my beautiful daughters. They looked so peaceful that day.

I know God has a plan. He for some reason needed both of my beautiful little girls in Heaven with him. The bible says that God has a purpose for everyone, I guess my little girls fulfilled their purpose during their short time with us. I hope one day I will know and be able to understand what that purpose was.

My aunt and uncle came to visit me yesterday. It was nice seeing them. We went to lunch and went to the cemetery. My aunt made a beautiful arrangement for the girls vase that is on their headstone. Its so full of love. She also had two angel figurines that we put on the top of their headstone, I figure Ill leave them there for a few weeks and then take them to my house to put in the yard next to the Angel my mother in law got for us.


"A moment in my arms... Forever in my heart."

Daily Reading

My sister's boyfriend, Josh, bought me a book to help with the grieving process. It's called "God's Plan for Your Life Overcoming Grief". A verse that stuck out to me in today's reading was, "In time, God will dry your tears if you let Him: And if you haven't already allowed Him to begin His healing process, today is the perfect day to start" (Psalm 147:3)

What more encouraging words could I have asked for?

A Poem

This is a great Poem that I found off of Billys cousins page... I think it is wonderful and touches my heart.

"I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have is memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake in which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart. "

Congrats!

On another note... One of my sorority sisters that i was very close to while in college has an older sister, that has also lost a baby, James, due to prematurity. My friend shared her sisters story with me, and last week while I was at one of my lowest points I reached out to her sister. Her and I have shared a few e-mails and hearing part of her story has helped me with some things I have been thinking about. Like, will I be able to have another child again. Although I know every woman is different, she has brought me some assurance in knowing that it can happen again, and I can be a mother to another beautiful child and my daughters may have the chance of being big sisters!! She has 2 other children, her daughter just entered this world recently, March 26th!! Her first born, James, was born at 26 weeks. My girls were almost 22 weeks. Her other two children were also born early, one at 29 weeks and one at 35, but they are both doing well. That gives me hope. Its so nice to be able to reach out to people that have also lost a child due to prematurity and have them welcome you with open arms, willing to hear your story and share theirs.

This Weekend

This weekend was my cousins wedding. On Friday was his wife's Bridal Luncheon and their rehearsal dinner and they invited my mom, sisters and I. To be honest, I wasnnt really looking forward to it. They have been engaged for a lil over a year, and I used to look forward to the day my younger cousin would get married, but now the day just reminded me of what was lost. I remember a few months ago I was trying to figure out what I would wear for this event... wondering how big Id be. Now I have given birth, and I am no longer huge, so it was a little depressing getting ready and picking out a dress for this event.

On Friday we went to the luncheon and one of the guests brought her beautiful little girl. I couldnt help but think of Taylor and Riley while looking at her. I tried to fight the tears, but soon broke down and had to run to the bathroom. i didnt want to ruin this momentous occasion for Brooke. Courtney, Jen and my mom, took me in the bathroom and helped me calm down. I then tried to enjoy the rest of the day and beautiful luncheon.

Later on we went to the rehearsal dinner. I was ok there up until the slideshow. It wasnnt the pictures that got me, it was the song. Brooke played Butterfly kisses, while showing her shildhood pictures. Once again I had to walk out. All I kept thinking of was everytime I told someone I was pregnant with twin daughters they would say, " Oh youre in for it, two college tuitions, two weddings..." So, while sitting listening to butterfly kisses i was thinking of a moment that Billy will never have with my twins. I felt so bad. Twice i got up and walked out, but I couldnt help it. After the song was over I was able to walk back in and enjoy the rest of the evening. My aunt joyce shared her story of how she heard about how she found out I was going in to labor. i love hearing everyones stories about that day. of course it brings me to tears, but it helps me knowing how everyone else saw that day.

Saturday was a little stressful. My poor sister was sick Friday night, so we didnt get too much sleep. We arrived at the wedding and everything was fine. The wedding flowers were so beautiful. They were bright pink. The wedding was outside, Brooke and Kyle couldnt have asked for a more perfect day. During the cocktail hour the DJ played, "Who you'd be today" by Kenny Chesney. This was the same song we played at the girls funeral. So once again, I had to step away for a moment. Then, once the evening went on I did better and better, and eventually I was on the dance floor with my cousins dancing away.

This weekend was a little stressful, and a little upsetting, but i think overall it was one of my better weekends, and my panic attacks werent as bad.

Tomorrow my aunt is coming in town to bring the girls a floral arrangement she made and to take me to lunch. My aunt makes great arrangements so I am excited to see what she has made.

MOD

On another note... Our March of Dimes team in honor of Taylor and Riley is up to $5500!! Yay! We reached our first goal of $5K... now our new goal is $6K... I know we can do it!! Thank you to everyone for the support! I am so thankful to have friends, and friends of friends that are so kind and so supportive. This is an excellent cause and I cant wait for the walk on the 24th!

Dinner

Last night I had dinner with a father who too lost a child. His child was not a baby, his son, Ehren, died a few days before his 21st birthday. Ehren was a soldier... to this day his father, Mike, has not been able to recieve closure. Mike is not exactly sure how Ehren died.

I could not even imagine what the past 2 years have been like for Mike. We were able to chit chat about our experiences. Ive always wondered if it would be worse to lose a child the way we did... always wondering what could have been. Wondering about Taylor and Riley's eye color, their voices, their laughs, wondering what they would have looked like in their closet full of clothes. Or would it be worse to have lost them later on in their life. Knowing what they were like, what their dreams were, having all of the memories of their childhood. Mike and I discussed this and we both came to the same assumption, there is nothing worse than losing a child period. There is no way to compare pain, he is in pain, i am in pain. Although we have two seperate circumstances, the outcome is the same... we have both experienced the most painful loss. We both had to bury our children.

It was nice to talk to him and see how much progress he has made since losing Ehren. It still hurts, it always will, but he has managed to keep on with his life. It gives me assurance that one day I will be able to keep on. I will be able to go about my days a little easier.

I have also reached out to another mother, Amanda, that lost her son 4 years ago to preterm labor. I look forward to speaking to her soon. I just think I need to build my courage up a little more before I give her a call. Its nice to know that I have people to reach out to, even if they are strangers.

Today was a little easier for me... Hopefully the rest of the week will be.

March 22, 2010

This weekend went by too quick! Dont all weekends? Well Saturday I had a better day. Billy and I really didnt do too much. I slept in for once! Billy and I stayed around the house catching up on our TVO. Then my niece, Teyja, went with me to go pick up the dogs from my parents house. It was nice having her with me. She is so precious!

My mom has our baby picures up in the hall way. i was showing Teyja the pictures and couldnt help to look at mine and see Riley. She looked EXACTLY like I did as a baby. Literally a spitting image! Then we went outside and teyja played on the swing my dad made.

It was nice to see my parents and see my dogs again! They were so excited to see me. Joba would not leave my side! They bring comfort to me. They know when Im feeling down and always are there to cheer me up.

Sunday was o.k. - Once again we really didnt do to much. I got up and started getting ready for church and ended up not going, bc i had to take billy to the doctor! He is allergic to bugs, and got bit by something. His arm looked like it was having an allergic reaction, but now he has some lotion to put on it, and some meds, so he is ok. The swelling has gone down and his arm isnt as itchy as it was!

Lately I havent had too much of an appetite. Everytime I eat I feel sick. I know its just my nerves.

Today wasnt that good of a day. A lady came in to work to request information for her TWINS. of course that made me think of my twins! Its hard to grasp that this is real. It hurts, and it feels like the pain isnt getting any better, only worse. I came home and once again have felt comforted by Billy. He has helped, and he has also realized that I dont appear to be healing- more like my pain has gotten worse. My hospice nurse, jane, had given me info on support groups for women that have lost a child. I think I am going to give her a call about this.

Pain is normal. I think before I tried to keep it in, and now I am letting it out. I think this may be my first step on how to heal.

On another note, I am happy to say we have reached our goal for the March of Dimes! we are over 5K! so of course, we increased our goal... trying to get as much possible for this great cause!

Im Home!

I have not been able to sleep throughout the night. Before January 30th, I would always go to bed before Billy. It never bothered me, but since that date I have not been able to go to sleep without him there by my side. This was very hard to do bc I always go to bed early and he likes to stay up late. I tried many times to walk up to the room and just go to sleep, bc i would be so exhausted. However, everytime i would panic, I would lay in bed and cry, holding the girls toys so tight, hoping that i could surpass my anxiety. It didnt work, eventually I couldn't take it and would make Billy come to bed early. He never complained, he understood.

Billy travels for work a lot and thankfully there have not been many meetings out of town since jan. 30th, but 2 weeks after we layed our angels to rest, he had to leave for Seattle. of course, I went with him. Even though he worked all day, it didnt matter, I got through the days while he was working and was able to manage my anxiety. He is the most thoughtful husband and tried to keep me busy and entertained while he was at work. I shopped the streets of Seattle, that was fun! One day he surprised me with a day at the spa. That experience was wonderful and extremely relaxing. It was nice to be there with him.

This past week was the FIRST time that we had to be apart. I thought I could handle it. I remember talking to Billy about how we thought we would do for the first time without each other, and we both thought we could handle. We always sleep with the girls toys, they are our comfort. My Diamond Sister, Amanda, gave them to the girls. They are little elephants and when you pull their tails they play songs. One plays Rock a Bye Baby and the othe Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. While in the hospital, knowing what was to come, I had my brother-in-law, Pat, go to my house to get them. During my short time with the girls, I played the lulabies from their elephants and let them lay with the girls. It was their first and only toy.
These past weeks I have lived my life in panic attacks and needed to overcome them. We were apart for 3 nights. The first night was a little strange, but I stayed up until I was physically exhausted, so going to sleep wouldnt be too hard. But last night was horrible. I was with some friends and the subject of my girls of course arose. For some reason it hit me hard. I actually cried in public. Lately I have been so strong, have been able to keep it all in until I got home, and then I would break down to Billy. But after 2 glasses of wine it came out. My friends understood. i got back and talked to Billy and then tried to go to bed, around 11. 4 hours later I was wide awake in panic. Something felt off. I missed my rock. I missed my husband, even more, I missed my girls. My nightmares have kept me up and very rarely do I get a full nights sleep. But usually I can get more than 4 hours, or at least I can daze in and out. I figured i would just let it pass and eventually would pass out, llike usual. This time was different, I had ran myself down. I needed my husband. I clinched the girls toys so hard and tried to talk to them. Maybe that would bring me comfort, but all it brought was reality. Reality that I would never see my angels walk, never know what colors their eyes were, never hear them cry, laugh, nothing. I remembered how I had already started planning their first birthday party, what their outfits would be like... planning our family Christmas card, all these dreams, all these expectations, just gone. I decided I needed to get up. I went to the bathroom and washed my face, thought maybe that would help. Maybe a little cold water... but it didnt. I texted Billy around 5:30am, just too see if he was awake, but what was I thinking? Of course he wasnt! I then texted my mom. She was awake and I was able to vent to her a little. I think for the first time my mom grasped what I was feeling. I always kept my pain hidden, only opened up completely to Billy, but this morning I had enough. I had reached my breaking point. My mom helped and her suggestion to me was the same as everyone else's suggestion to me, I need to talk to someone about my pain, about my feelings. I always found myself to be so strong. I dont need help, I can get through this with my husband by my side. And although, this is so true, it does help talking to women that have also lost a child.

A little while later Billy called. We talked a little on the phone and both realized it was time for me to come home. He was also having a hard time, so at 7am I booked a flight. From then on I was counting the hours to be back in Billys arms. Thats all I needed, I needed my comfort, I needed my daughters father. I needed my husband. I checked in ok, and sat and waited to board. Then once boarded the plane had a flat tire... so we were delayed. Here we go again, another panic attack. I just wanted to be home. I caught myself tearing up every now and then, but sucked it up. Its weird being in so much pain and not having control of your tears. People stare, Im sure they wonder whats going on. I dont want people looking at me, and thought it may feel so much better to just burst out in tears, I dont want to be weak. I want to be this example, this motivation everyone keeps talking about. I finally got off the plane to walk... maybe release some tension. I did good, grabbed a few magazines, some coffee, a pastry, and got back on the plane. Finally we were off and I was looking forward to seeing Billy.

Once I saw Billy my heart was at ease. I just felt better automatically.

We went to the girls grave. Their headstone is so beautiful. Nothing but the best for my girls!! Billy had brought them fresh flowers, they looked so welcoming, fresh and pure, like my girls... They finally had a vase to put the flowers in. On their grave site is of course their headstone and vase, but also a little angel that Billy's mom made for them, two little hearts made our of articial roses, and a plant that my dad got them. Its so nice and peaceful their. Their site could not have been in a better, more beautiful spot in the cemetery. So perfect, so filled with love.

After that we came home. He have been spending time together ever since. I am so lucky to have him. Not once has he blamed me for this. He has just been my motivator. He tries to keep me going. I know its just as hard on him.

I met with another lady the other day. She lost her baby premature and still born many years ago, I think she said either 15 or 25 we yrs ago. She still to this day cries when she talks about it. She said she is still not "over it" but the days have gotten easier to handle. We both shared our stories. Her baby was still born, there was something wrong with him and thats why he came early. My girls, however were perfectly healthy. It was my body that was weak, my incompetent cervix. Once I explained to her my story she responded with a response that I always felt. She said that it must be harder for me knowing that my girls were healthy. See with her she felt comforted in knowing there was nothing she could have done, something just wasnt right and her baby was not developing correctly and thats why he came early. With me it was the opposite, my girls were strong, healthy, perfect. It was MY body that gave up on them. My body that caused this. I know not to blame myself, and thats what Billy keeps telling me, its not my fault. He's right, its not my fault, there was no way i would have known i had an incompetent cervix. I did everything right, at least everything I could control. It just hurts knowing that because of my body is why my girls arent here... thats the way i see it. I dont necessarily blame myself, but do get upset knowing my daughters are gone bc my body gave out... its a weird feeling, not too sure how to feel.

March of Dimes

As many of you know, Billy and I have started a March of Dimes team in honor of our daughters. You may sign up to be a walker and join us on April 24th!! Or if you would like to donate to our team, and to the march of dimes charity, please visit our page: http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?seid=1373404

We are almost to our goal!!

How am I doing?

These past 47 days have been horrible. I still have not been able to call my friends back, answer phones, etc. Its like Im in a huge daze. Im back to work, trying to get back to a routine. My husband and I have grown so much closer, our love so much stronger. 80 something percent of couples in this situation usually get separated, or divorced. Thank god we are not in that majority. Our love has grown stronger. Billy has been my rock. He is so strong, and has helped me get up and going. If i could I would stay in bed all day! He has been my shoulder to lean on. Out in public I try to show everyone that I am strong, little do they know i breakdown when I am home. I still cannot walk through the baby section in the stores...cant really look at baby pictures of other babies... But i know in time these things will get easier. Billy's brother Rob came across an article and he shared it with us. Its of a hockey player that months and months later still has trouble speaking of the death of his preterm baby. His words hit close to heart... Here's the article if you want to read ithttp://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/01/AR2010030103521.htmlIt kind of explains our hurt... Billy and I relate to it so much. He stated that people say they cant imagine what he's going through, his response was, "you're right you can't." Its so true. People are so kind and at times they dont know what to say, and to Billy and i the things that they do say hurt. Even though we know they dont mean anything by it and are trying to show us sympathy. I think the thing that I ve heard that hurts the most is, "Don't worry, you'll be parents some day..." What they dont understand is that we are parents. I gave birth, our twins were alive and a few hours later died. I have their birth certificates and death certificates. What makes us any less of parents than someone who had their child for 1 year, or 2 years, etc and they past away. Would you tell that parent, "dont worry youll be a parent someday"? Billy went to get the newspapers that had the girls obits in it and he bought a few copies, the lady behind the desk asked him, "whats so interesting in the paper today to make you want this many copies?"- We cant blame these people, they dont know... it still hurts. We have learned to handle some of these things a little better. We went to the girls grave the other day and their headstone FINALLY came in. Who would ever think wed be excited to say the headstone of our daughters is finally here? I have had many people reach out to me, that have had similar stories, and it helps to know I am not alone. and that these people want to help me heal. I have heard that I will never completely heal, and that i will never forget, but days will start to get easier over time...
We are so blessed to have met our daughters, and had the opportunity to have held them. We are also blessed that they did not suffer. We have read stories where parents have delivered preterm, and their child lived days, weeks, months in ICU constantly having tests done on them, constantly being pricked and poked, and then to have had the same result in the end. We are happy our girls did not have to suffer through that.

January 30, 2010

As I have told many people, January 30th was the worst and best day of my life. I gave birth to the most precious, beautiful twin daughters in the world. My Taylor was the larger of the two, she was 1 pound and born at 4pm. My Riley was only 12 ounces and born a little over an hour later at 5:15pm. I knew my twins would be fraternal, but still kind of thought they would look a little alike. Boy was I wrong! Taylor had chubby cheeks, this could also be due to the fact that she was more developed of the two. She had blonde baby fuzz all over her face, and very blonde eyelashes. Her nose was definately a Young nose, she looked a lot like her cousin, Anna. Taylor and Riley both had the most precious tiny lips! Riley was thinner and her facial characteristics were more petite. She had a very thin pointier nose. Her eyebrows were dark brown like her daddy, but over all she looked exactly like I did as a baby. You could definately see the resemblance of thier mommy and daddy when looking at them. Ok, now in to the day... I woke up at 4am like I usually did to use the restroom. Ever since I was pregnant I used the restroom numerous times throughout the night. I never bothered to turn on the light when I went, I would just roll out of bed, exhausted, walk to the restroom and then just walk back to bed. For some reason this morning felt different. I had a tiny little cramp, and turned on the light this time. I turned and looked and there was a tiny but of blood in the toilet. I just felt something was wrong, even though my doctor had mentioned that i may experience spotting, because I was having twins. I called my doctor's operator immediately and did not even wait for him to call me back, Billy and I were already out the door, headed to the ER. My doctor NEVER called me back, so on the way to the hospital I called the operator again, they directly connected me to the doctor whom was obviously sleeping, and seemed to not want to bother with my panic. He just told me to go to the ER, duh. Ok... let me get a little side tracked. Billy and I were not fully comfortable with the fact that I was having twins and the doctors office. So we had been looking in to changing to a High Risk clinic, and actually the day before I had called to schedule an appointment with the High Risk doctor, Dr. Prieto. Billy and I had also toured the Baby Place Hospital in St. Pete because it was a level III hospital and Morton Plant was only a level II. So after the tour we were fully comfortable changing to Baby Place. Now, back to my story! ... Instead of going to Morton Plant, which was the hospital that worked with my current doctor, Billy felt more comfortable taking me to Baby Place. It was a lot closer to our house and as mentioned before, a level III hospital. We arrived at Baby Place around 4:15-4:30. It didnt take us long at all. They immediately put me in a room, and Billy and I waited to be seen by a doctor. The sonographer came in about 10 minutes later for my ultra-sound. At this point all i was focused on were my girls, never once did I think I should be worrying about my body, and my cervix... The sonographer took one look and immediately ran out of the room, and asked the front desk to get the Dr stat. At that point, My cervix was no longer visible and I was really dilated and in labor. Still I didnt grasp what that meant. i thought there was still a chance, and all I kept asking the sonographer was, are my babies still moving, are mt babies ok? Her answer was easy yes, they were completely healthy and moving... Well that is what hurts me the most thinking back, My girls were so strong, perfect in health- there was absolutely NOTHING wrong with them, it was me... I know that there is nothing I could have done to prevent my cervix from giving out, or at least there was nothing I knew could be done. My doctor never mentioned there was a chance of preterm labor. I didnt know fully about how a cervix can thin over time, had i known that information before, maybe I would have done things differently, but given what i knew then, I had done everything right. I never drank, not even a sip of wine. I stopped drinking caff. coffee. I looked at labels to make sure there were no artificial sweetners, like aspartame. I walked on the treadmill to stay active and healthy, but never pushed it. I mean I did EVERYTHING I could do to stay healthy. After taking in what I had heard from the sonographer, and after the doctor did her exam, I knew something was wrong. She told me that i was fully dilated and that i would be giving birth that day. Billy and I looked at each other devastated. So much pain, so much happiness just crushed. The doctor was a resident, and seemed to be very blunt, but almost too blunt for us. She said there was no hope, NONE, that my daughters would make it. I was only 21 weeks and 5 days, had I been 24 weeks, the story may have been different, their organs would have been more developed. at 22 weeks, a babies organs arent full developed and connected. Well, my in laws, and parents were there with us in no time. We had called them at 4am when we were on our way to the hospital. My mother-in-law was definately not taking the advice of a resident doctor, and immediately dialed up her OB in Virginia. He advised her that a resident was not fully prepared for what could happen to me, and man was he right. My mother-in-law started doing what she does best... Going to anything to get what she wants!! Well after a few arguements, and a bit of screaming Im sure, in walks Dr Prieto, a Godsend... literally. Dr. Prieto did his evaluation and gave me my options. First, did I want to prolong my labor. Of course, Billy and I said yes. He gave me so many meds to help prolong it... I was so sick, but it was so worth it. Second, my Taylor had no choice, she was coming and there was no way to stop that from happening, however, if my cervix came visible after Taylor was born, and if the girls had 2 seperate placentas, and there were a few other things to consider... then possibly he could try to save Riley from coming that day, and he would try to sew my cervix, its called a cervical Cerclage. So that was the plan, if possible save our Riley. Then, we had more things to consider... Dr. Prieto came in with a Neurologist (I think thats what he was?!) and they met with just Billy and I. --- At this point we had TONS of family and friends with us.(my sisters, their significant others, both of our parents, billys brother and sister-in-law, the girls Godfather, George and his wife Carolyn, Billys boss Kevin and his wife laura, Billys cousin Sam, my Tia Chucha and Uncle Tony, Alan and Aelon, and father Bob.) and I may be missing some people?! --- Well the Dr.'s discussed our options and what we want done when the girls entered the world. The doctor discussed that they could try to keep them longer, by trying to enter a trach down their throat... However, there was no guarantee that they could find one small enough. Billy and I of course asked many questions, but ultimately, the girls were too premature and they were not developed, so the end result would be the same. And like I mentioned before, there was still a slight chance that we could keep Riley in, so there was still hope for our Riles. Billy and I made a decision to not make them suffer, of course if they came out and looked more developed, and like there would be a chance, then do whatever possible, but if not, we did not want them to spend their short time on earth suffering and being poked and uncomfortable. After we made our decision, we called our parents in with the doctors and us, and asked for their input. They all agreed with us. --This decision taught me a lot about myself, I mean I learned so much throughout the past 47 days, but this was one thing in particular i learned. If you would have asked me before all of this, what I would do in that situation, i would have said to try to save them, and do anything possible to keep them alive as long as possible. That decision just would have been cruel, and not right to put my angels through that if the results would be the same. It would be selfish to do that and put them through pain. -- We then called everyone that was there to come in the room and we explained to them our decision. The next few hours were very hazy, to me the entire day was hazy... It was like watching a movie while you are so tired... you daze off then wake up and watch a piece of the movie, and then daze off again... thats kind of how I remember the day, in bits and pieces. I remember I was so sick, and they had me on tons of meds to slow my contractions. The meds worked for a while, at first my contractions were very close together, then they were every few minutes, but then at some point they went back to being very close. At the beginning i remember feeling the pain of my contractions, it felt like a MAJOR cramp... and they were very close together, so it was like CRAMP, break, CRAMP, break, but then the meds kicked in and i had some comfort, but with the meds helping with my cramps, i then had flu like symptoms and remember getting sick and throwing up and everytime i would do that it would make my stomache muscles contract... Well the time had finally come. The doctor came in for my epidural. For some reason I remember them saying they couldnt do it the normal way, and so with me they had me lay on my side and roll in to a ball, knees into my chest as much as they could be. I felt it a little bit, but remember thinking it wasnt nearly as bad as most people make it seem. After that the dr was going to do an exam. I remember throwing up right before he could do it, and that of course made my stomache to contract which triggered my labor. I felt something and told the doctor i could feel something... To me, I thought it was my Taylor, but it was my water. As the doctor went to see what i was talking about, it broke. Billy, My mom and mother-in-law were in the room. My mom called my sisters and they came running in. I remember I didnt really know what was going on, as mentioned before, things were a bit hazy, but I remember seeing Jen and Courtney huddled together and Courtney's face has been embedded in my mind. She was crying so bad. Everyone was. I could not even imagine the pain Billy was in... he has been my rock. Well, at 4pm my precious Taylor entered the world. She was so tiny, but so precious. Billy went and got George, and he came in and baptised her. It was a very memorable moment. Billy and I held her, loved on her. -- we were told that when the girls were born, bc they werent fully developed, that they may be still born, or may only stay alive a few minutes, well Taylor's strength showed, bc she stayed alove for over 2 hours, and was able to meet her sister out of my womb.-- The dr said he could see a bit of my cervix, so we needed to get to the OR. We took off, Taylor in my arms, and Billy following the bed... they rushed me to the OR. Now, at the beginning I was told Billy could be with me in the OR. For some reason they handed Taylor off to Billy and told him he couldnt come in just yet. he was able to sit and talk alone to Taylor, He hasnt shared to me what it was he talked to her about, he said it was between them two! The hospice nurse that was by our side the whole time, said she was honored to witness him talking to her. She said it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, ever heard and she was honored to have been there. He then took Taylor in the room to meet the rest of our family and then came back to the outside of the OR. At this time, our family was able to pass Taylor around, say what they wanted to her, and love on her. I remember the team of nurses and doctors talking about transferring me to the operating table. I was so scared. I was alone, my husband was no longer by my side. They picked me up by my blankets and lifted me on the table. The table was so tiny. I could barely fit. I was so far out of it and very weak, I remember them being afraid I was going to fall off the table, so they had someone standing at my side keeping me on. I was hooked up to so many things, it was unbelievable. They strapped my legs in to this harness hanging from the ceiling (i think?) I kept asking in panic for Billy and they told me he couldnt come in. So I asked for my nurse, Summer, and she came, held my hand and stood by my side to comfort me. I could see the tears in her eyes. The nurse had told Billy to wait outside, and if something goes wrong they will come get him... well thats what they did. Billy came in and was able to sit right behind me. i could see him barely on my left. He walked in to what looked like a crime scene... blood was everywhere. My poor husband, having to witness it. I remember looking around to so many people. There were at least 3 doctors, 3 nurses, and 2 anesthesiologists in the room that I could see. 8 people, one patient, crazy huh?! My legs were in the harness for so long that i kept getting cramps, they were just hanging above my head, and the nurse had to take turns holding each leg up so the cramps would go away. I was losing too much blood. i remember everyone screaming, "Blood, Blood, we need blood now," -" wheres my blood, is it here yet?". I was losing too much blood way to fast. They were about to use trauma blood for my transfusions, and i remember saying no I am O+, but they told me it would work. Trauma blood is O-, but would have sufficed. Thankfully the O+ blood came in time and I had 2 transfusions in the OR-- 2 transfusions in about a 2 hour time frame, maybe less. I kept going limp. I remember thinking, I have to stay awake for Riley. I knew if I went to sleep there would be no hope. I pushed myself. My arm kept falling off the table, i was so weak. I at one point turned to Billy and asked if I was going to die, thats what I felt like. Dr. Prieto, but the screen down and looked at both of us and shook his head and said, "Im sorry." There was nothing he could do. It was either try to save me or it would have been losing me and Riley. His choice is now obvious. Riley was not ready to come yet, but i was hemoraging too much so they had to take her. I remember there was a sonographer showing the doctors where she was, Dr. Prieto was in me and pulling, another Dr was on top of my stomache pushing Riley down. My poor Riley was forced out. She came into this world at 5:15pm and they immediately handed her to me. she was so tiny, a lot tinier than Taylor. Billy and i just held her and held eachother while the doctor was finishing up. I remember that horrible vaccuum sound while he was cleaning me out... it was horrible. I remember looking around and blood was everywhere, you could see footprints in the blood from the team. My husband, had to witness his wife on the verge of dying and the death of his two daughters. I still to this day cant imagine what he went through. I feel so bad for him. Yes, i did the physical part that day, but i was also on a lot of meds, so i only remember bits and pieces, he was fully awake, coherent, and he had to stay strong for me. Come to find out I lost 50% of my blood volume, my blood pressure and heart rate were vastly dropping, that is why they took my Riley. After surgery, I went to a recovery room where i was able to sit with both of my daughters and my husband. we visited as a family. My Taylor and Riley both alive... both looked so peaceful. Billy then went and got my parents, and they sat with us while i recovered. I then went to my room and Jane, our hospice nurse, bathed my girls along with my mother-in-law. She took their footprints, weight, etc. I have numerous reminders of my girls that I was able to take home with me. I have their recieving blankets, their little outfits they wore after their bath, molds of their footprints, and a little book for each of them. At this point more family and friends came and visited. Around 8pm everyone started to leave. My girls beat the odds, they lived for hours, when the doctors predicted they would only live for minutes. They were fighters, so strong.