Im Home!

I have not been able to sleep throughout the night. Before January 30th, I would always go to bed before Billy. It never bothered me, but since that date I have not been able to go to sleep without him there by my side. This was very hard to do bc I always go to bed early and he likes to stay up late. I tried many times to walk up to the room and just go to sleep, bc i would be so exhausted. However, everytime i would panic, I would lay in bed and cry, holding the girls toys so tight, hoping that i could surpass my anxiety. It didnt work, eventually I couldn't take it and would make Billy come to bed early. He never complained, he understood.

Billy travels for work a lot and thankfully there have not been many meetings out of town since jan. 30th, but 2 weeks after we layed our angels to rest, he had to leave for Seattle. of course, I went with him. Even though he worked all day, it didnt matter, I got through the days while he was working and was able to manage my anxiety. He is the most thoughtful husband and tried to keep me busy and entertained while he was at work. I shopped the streets of Seattle, that was fun! One day he surprised me with a day at the spa. That experience was wonderful and extremely relaxing. It was nice to be there with him.

This past week was the FIRST time that we had to be apart. I thought I could handle it. I remember talking to Billy about how we thought we would do for the first time without each other, and we both thought we could handle. We always sleep with the girls toys, they are our comfort. My Diamond Sister, Amanda, gave them to the girls. They are little elephants and when you pull their tails they play songs. One plays Rock a Bye Baby and the othe Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. While in the hospital, knowing what was to come, I had my brother-in-law, Pat, go to my house to get them. During my short time with the girls, I played the lulabies from their elephants and let them lay with the girls. It was their first and only toy.
These past weeks I have lived my life in panic attacks and needed to overcome them. We were apart for 3 nights. The first night was a little strange, but I stayed up until I was physically exhausted, so going to sleep wouldnt be too hard. But last night was horrible. I was with some friends and the subject of my girls of course arose. For some reason it hit me hard. I actually cried in public. Lately I have been so strong, have been able to keep it all in until I got home, and then I would break down to Billy. But after 2 glasses of wine it came out. My friends understood. i got back and talked to Billy and then tried to go to bed, around 11. 4 hours later I was wide awake in panic. Something felt off. I missed my rock. I missed my husband, even more, I missed my girls. My nightmares have kept me up and very rarely do I get a full nights sleep. But usually I can get more than 4 hours, or at least I can daze in and out. I figured i would just let it pass and eventually would pass out, llike usual. This time was different, I had ran myself down. I needed my husband. I clinched the girls toys so hard and tried to talk to them. Maybe that would bring me comfort, but all it brought was reality. Reality that I would never see my angels walk, never know what colors their eyes were, never hear them cry, laugh, nothing. I remembered how I had already started planning their first birthday party, what their outfits would be like... planning our family Christmas card, all these dreams, all these expectations, just gone. I decided I needed to get up. I went to the bathroom and washed my face, thought maybe that would help. Maybe a little cold water... but it didnt. I texted Billy around 5:30am, just too see if he was awake, but what was I thinking? Of course he wasnt! I then texted my mom. She was awake and I was able to vent to her a little. I think for the first time my mom grasped what I was feeling. I always kept my pain hidden, only opened up completely to Billy, but this morning I had enough. I had reached my breaking point. My mom helped and her suggestion to me was the same as everyone else's suggestion to me, I need to talk to someone about my pain, about my feelings. I always found myself to be so strong. I dont need help, I can get through this with my husband by my side. And although, this is so true, it does help talking to women that have also lost a child.

A little while later Billy called. We talked a little on the phone and both realized it was time for me to come home. He was also having a hard time, so at 7am I booked a flight. From then on I was counting the hours to be back in Billys arms. Thats all I needed, I needed my comfort, I needed my daughters father. I needed my husband. I checked in ok, and sat and waited to board. Then once boarded the plane had a flat tire... so we were delayed. Here we go again, another panic attack. I just wanted to be home. I caught myself tearing up every now and then, but sucked it up. Its weird being in so much pain and not having control of your tears. People stare, Im sure they wonder whats going on. I dont want people looking at me, and thought it may feel so much better to just burst out in tears, I dont want to be weak. I want to be this example, this motivation everyone keeps talking about. I finally got off the plane to walk... maybe release some tension. I did good, grabbed a few magazines, some coffee, a pastry, and got back on the plane. Finally we were off and I was looking forward to seeing Billy.

Once I saw Billy my heart was at ease. I just felt better automatically.

We went to the girls grave. Their headstone is so beautiful. Nothing but the best for my girls!! Billy had brought them fresh flowers, they looked so welcoming, fresh and pure, like my girls... They finally had a vase to put the flowers in. On their grave site is of course their headstone and vase, but also a little angel that Billy's mom made for them, two little hearts made our of articial roses, and a plant that my dad got them. Its so nice and peaceful their. Their site could not have been in a better, more beautiful spot in the cemetery. So perfect, so filled with love.

After that we came home. He have been spending time together ever since. I am so lucky to have him. Not once has he blamed me for this. He has just been my motivator. He tries to keep me going. I know its just as hard on him.

I met with another lady the other day. She lost her baby premature and still born many years ago, I think she said either 15 or 25 we yrs ago. She still to this day cries when she talks about it. She said she is still not "over it" but the days have gotten easier to handle. We both shared our stories. Her baby was still born, there was something wrong with him and thats why he came early. My girls, however were perfectly healthy. It was my body that was weak, my incompetent cervix. Once I explained to her my story she responded with a response that I always felt. She said that it must be harder for me knowing that my girls were healthy. See with her she felt comforted in knowing there was nothing she could have done, something just wasnt right and her baby was not developing correctly and thats why he came early. With me it was the opposite, my girls were strong, healthy, perfect. It was MY body that gave up on them. My body that caused this. I know not to blame myself, and thats what Billy keeps telling me, its not my fault. He's right, its not my fault, there was no way i would have known i had an incompetent cervix. I did everything right, at least everything I could control. It just hurts knowing that because of my body is why my girls arent here... thats the way i see it. I dont necessarily blame myself, but do get upset knowing my daughters are gone bc my body gave out... its a weird feeling, not too sure how to feel.