2 months today

Do you ever have days where you just want to be left alone? That everytime someone asks you a question you just want to ask them to be quiet, every time the phone rings you get annoyed. That's the kind of day I had today. I think its bc I am upset. Today marks 2 months. I just wanted to be left alone, reading doesn't bother me... I actually enjoy it. But as far as talking... you could say I wasnt into it today! I hate when I am in the middle of reading something so heart-wrenching and then I get disturbed by rambling about nothing. Or at least nothing important to me. Is that awful? I just want to have a few time-outs. Just time to reflect on my daughters, quietly. That's all I wanted today. Just a day of peace and quiet. A day to be left alone. If you need me, e-mail me and I will respond when I want to, that's the kind of day I was having..

But then I went to the cemetery. I sat and visited my daughters grave for a while, and after that I felt peace. Walking up to it I was so upset, it was like there was no end to the tears running down my face. After a while of talking to the girls, i was calmer. It helps me going there, its very peaceful, no one to bother you, its filled with beauty and love, and its a place where i can just sit and talk without any interruptions.

It's been two months and it is still so hard. I feel that there is a huge whole in my heart and there is no way to make it solid again.

I was driving to the grave site and it was like i could do it with my eyes closed. In no time I was there, I couldnt remeber ever stopping. Who would have thought I would have the drive to a grave site where my daughters were layed to rest embedded in my head? It's crazy how life just sweeps you right off your feet. How you can be so happy, so excited and then "bam" you get hit with something like this.

I'm trying to do good, trying to heal, bc I know thats what Taylor and Riley would want me to do, but its hard. Some days are easier than others, I guess thats a good sign.