This Weekend

This weekend was my cousins wedding. On Friday was his wife's Bridal Luncheon and their rehearsal dinner and they invited my mom, sisters and I. To be honest, I wasnnt really looking forward to it. They have been engaged for a lil over a year, and I used to look forward to the day my younger cousin would get married, but now the day just reminded me of what was lost. I remember a few months ago I was trying to figure out what I would wear for this event... wondering how big Id be. Now I have given birth, and I am no longer huge, so it was a little depressing getting ready and picking out a dress for this event.

On Friday we went to the luncheon and one of the guests brought her beautiful little girl. I couldnt help but think of Taylor and Riley while looking at her. I tried to fight the tears, but soon broke down and had to run to the bathroom. i didnt want to ruin this momentous occasion for Brooke. Courtney, Jen and my mom, took me in the bathroom and helped me calm down. I then tried to enjoy the rest of the day and beautiful luncheon.

Later on we went to the rehearsal dinner. I was ok there up until the slideshow. It wasnnt the pictures that got me, it was the song. Brooke played Butterfly kisses, while showing her shildhood pictures. Once again I had to walk out. All I kept thinking of was everytime I told someone I was pregnant with twin daughters they would say, " Oh youre in for it, two college tuitions, two weddings..." So, while sitting listening to butterfly kisses i was thinking of a moment that Billy will never have with my twins. I felt so bad. Twice i got up and walked out, but I couldnt help it. After the song was over I was able to walk back in and enjoy the rest of the evening. My aunt joyce shared her story of how she heard about how she found out I was going in to labor. i love hearing everyones stories about that day. of course it brings me to tears, but it helps me knowing how everyone else saw that day.

Saturday was a little stressful. My poor sister was sick Friday night, so we didnt get too much sleep. We arrived at the wedding and everything was fine. The wedding flowers were so beautiful. They were bright pink. The wedding was outside, Brooke and Kyle couldnt have asked for a more perfect day. During the cocktail hour the DJ played, "Who you'd be today" by Kenny Chesney. This was the same song we played at the girls funeral. So once again, I had to step away for a moment. Then, once the evening went on I did better and better, and eventually I was on the dance floor with my cousins dancing away.

This weekend was a little stressful, and a little upsetting, but i think overall it was one of my better weekends, and my panic attacks werent as bad.

Tomorrow my aunt is coming in town to bring the girls a floral arrangement she made and to take me to lunch. My aunt makes great arrangements so I am excited to see what she has made.