Taylor and Riley's "original" due date- May 24, 2010

I have found that the majority of my blogs sound depressing, and I usually refrain from putting ALL of my feelings down bc I dont want to upset anyone or hurt anyone else's feelings if I mention them, etc. So eventually i will begin to write in a confidential journal that only I could read. This way I can vent all of my thoughts without worrying about what is "ok" to type and what really isnt.

So, here I begin one of my last "public- depressing" blogs.

Tonight I sit at my computer in so much pain. My daughters due date was supposed to be tomorrow. I ask God, "why?" "why cant it still be?" These past 3 and a half months have been horrible, and I wonder, will I ever be myself again? will i ever be happy again? will i ever stop picking on my husband for all the little things, bc i have no where else to vent this built up anger inside of me?

This weekend Billy and I spent at the beach. Our friends Pat and Jess came over and it was nice, to try and take my mind off the obvious for a bit. The second they left my life came back to reality. This whole weekend I have tried to put on a "game face" and have told myself I am never going to get any where if i keep dwelling on the past. and dwelling on what is no longer here. It is just so hard to do that. As the poem goes, "When you lose a child you have lost your future..." That is so true. Everything in our lives was based on taylor and riley. From the moment we were trying to conceive, to the day we found out the great news that I was pregnant, to the day we found out even better news that we were having twins, to the day we found out even better news, that they were girls. We changed our schedules, I planned on stopping work for a while to raise them, Billy saved as much vacation as possible from last year so his time could roll over to this year to spend more time with the girls, I mean everything in our "future" was planned for us. Now what do we have? A future of what should have been? I know they say, everything happens for a reason, and God has a plan, and theres a bigger picture to all of this... but that is SO easy to SAY. Until you have lived in our shoes, until you have experienced a pain so heart wrenching... you have no idea. What is this bigger picture planned for us? what time will tell? All time has told me is that I cannot bare any of this. It hurts. Time has told me that the second i think i am "dealing" with things, i start going downhill again... the second i try to think positive, i think back and wonder how can anything positive come out of losing a child, let alone two. Sure Taylor and Riley were only here on this earth for a short while, but they are OUR WORLD. our everything, and now I sit, as I did a few hours ago... and just stare at an empty bench, at a headstone full of flowers... that what I have. That and a few pictures that cant be blown up bc the majority of the pictures were taken from camera phones. That and a few foot prints, 2 tiny outfits, etc. I would give up ALL of those things, I would give up anything just for one more second with them. Just to be able to fully share with them how much I love them, how long i waited for them. I was in so much pain on January 30th that it overcame my joy of meeting my daughters for the first time.

Tonight, around 9pm, I just grabbed my keys, opened the garage, jumped in my truck, and was stopped by my husband wondering where the heck i was going. I had NEVER done this before, I just wanted to go sit with my girls. Just me and them. Billy of course begged me not to go, but ultimately he could see the pain behind my eyes, and knew he had to let me go. I just wanted to be alone, just me and them. i drove to the cemetery, pulled my truck facing their site, so the head lights could stay on and shine on the site while i sat there, next to them, completely broken. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to bring them back. I just need to suck it up and face reality... but to me I would rather be blinded by it. Eventually, I got back in the truck and started to drive off, but just wasnt ready yet, so i stopped driving and sat and faced their site and talked to them a bit more. Theres 2 windmills that I have by their headstone, and as I sat talking to them, farther away from the truck, one of the windmills started spinning, and caught the light of the moon and was shining. Anytime i would say something, and then stop, the windmill would shine and start spinning again. Call me crazy, but i believe in signs and think this was a sign that they an hear me, no matter how far they are. I drove out of the cemetery and then turned around again, to just sit with them a little while longer. People must have thought I was nuts! Who cares? Im done with caring what other people think, Im done caring about how strong I used to be... Im done trying to put up a front... Yes, I have good days and I have bad days... but I never have an extremely happy day. will those days ever come back to me? Who knows.

I see everyone around me so happy. It's either this friend got engaged, or this friend is getting married, or this friend is having a baby, or this friend just had a baby... all of those happy days that Billy and I used to have are gone now.

Its so easy to see how soon people forget. Sure youre around right when things happen, but as time goes by, people start "forgetting" that feeling, that pain they felt that day at the funeral... Well, Billy and I havent forgotten, we live with that pain everyday.

As Billy has said over and over, he has to "deal" with me, and make sure Im ok... and people worry about me... but who is really thinking about him? Well, of course I am, but I am not going to lie, I have drained everything out of him... I have taken this so hard, that I am being selfish and I am "stealing the spotlight"... well wheres his? How fair is it for me to do this to him? I am just not strong enough to handle both, I can barely handle myself. I feel horrible for all of this pressure I put on him day in and day out... its just so hard to control at times. I can see that his pain is getting worse everyday as well and theres only so much he can hold in. I feel so bad for all of this.

I find it funny how when some people hear of our situation they become mute, some people say sorry and thats it, some people just stare at you and you can tell they are extremely uncomfortable, some people dont even want to try and understand, and then you have those people who try and compare completely off the wall stories with you on how they have "experienced" pain like this... Last night as we were with a group of older people, and it came mention to what happened with us one lady began to "share" her story with me on how her husband's son was born premature, at 4 months, and he was so tiny he could fit in one hand... UGH!!! that kills me the most is when people try to relate... I felt like saying, first off lady, it wasnt your child, so there is no way you can feel my pain, second off, there is no way your step son was born at 4 months and survived...organs arent even developed until 24 weeks. Then her friend felt compelled to share her story on how her husband, who was previously married, had twins that dies prematurely and then had twins again and only one made it the second time. The way she was telling "his" story was like nothing... its just like really? really people? what exactly would you like me to say to you? Neither one of them went through this... their husbands did and yet they felt compelled to share stories that were not completely accurate to someone that just went through all of this. That kills me more when people
"think" they know more than you on a subject that you have just experienced first hand... and the extremes they go too... like saying he was born at 4 months? You know I have talked to so many moms and dads that have experienced losing a child and not one of them act like these ladies did. Instead they try and let you know that they are there for you and can relate to how you feel...

Without all of these moms I dont know where Id be... They have been so encouraging and do helpful and are always there to listen.

Needless to say, tonight has been one of the bad ones... tomorrow will prob be just as worse. Tomorrow was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives, and now its one of the saddest.

I look to God for strength and some sort of encouragement. This is something WE will pull through, and we will do it together.

*Sigh* Now I feel better, I got a lot of this out!!! G'Night!