July 28th

July 28, 2010

These past few weeks have been kind of tough. I was at Baby Place ( The hospital where I delivered Taylor and Riley) yesterday and as I was walking out there was a lady and her husband walking through with big smiles on their faces, as the dad was saying... "We're having a baby today!!" I know that I am pregnant again and am looking forward to our new addition, but I still think about my girls any time I see a pregnant lady, and especially at that moment in the hospital. I just saw the joy in the parents faces and couldnt help but think about the pain Billy and I had the moment we found out, "we are going to have our babies today." Nothing that day was happy for us... well except the part where we were able to hold our beautiful daughters for the first and only time that day. It brings back so much pain still to this day. My daughters would have been 6 months old this Friday.

Before I saw that happy couple, I was going down the elevator and saw a lady who had just had her baby... what was on her mind? Going downstairs to smoke a cigarette... Honestly, you are going to bring a new born in to that environment? I heard someone saying how there was a lady on the antepartum floor (so this means she was having complications and hadnt had her baby yet-- wether its preterm labor complications or something else, i do not know) and everyday she would walk down stairs to smoke... that just drives me crazy!! I was so good to my daughters, watched EVERTHING i did and EVERYTHING i ate to ensure their health and well being. I know it isnt right to judge other people, and the way they do things, but inside it just hurts so bad seeing what some pregnant women do, while others are trying so hard for their unborn child.

I then walked out to my car, and had to wait for the valet, while there were probably 6 pregnant women standing around outside... I guess the hospital was really busy that day. It just brings back reminders for me and is so hard. But then i stop and think, Im pregnant again, and this time we will have a better outcome, I just know it. Im still scared, i still cry ALL the time for my 2 angels, but I know nothing will ever bring them back and I need to accept things the way they are.

I dont know if its bc Im pregnant again, and emotions are flaring and increased or what but I have been crying a lot more recently. Its like I am on a roller coaster... and these past 6 months have been a LONG ride for me. At first it was shock and not accepting the reality, then it was the crying CONSTANTLY, then it was the "trying to get better" and now it going back to the crying constantly. I think its a combo between the loss of my girls and the anxiety/fear/worry for my new baby. I know stress isnt good for pregnancies, so i have been a lot better about trying to not get too stressed.

I am currently painting the angels i got for Taylor and Riley to put under their bench. so fasr they are adorable! But i def still have a long way to go. Painting helps me and allows me to have a few moments of peacefulness.

This past week I looked at the Chinese Birth Calendar. According to the one I saw, I am having another girl! I looked at it and did the test for Taylor and Riley, my sister and her 2 boys, my sister in law and her son, and my girlfriend and her son and so far everyone was accurate on that calendar... so I guess we shall see in September if its right or not!

Billy and I couldnt be happier for this baby. We are so anxious and happy and are looking forward to FEBRUARY!I will have my stitch removed the week of February 8th, so anytime after that I am ok to deliver. My due date is March 1st! So Im assuming my baby will be a February baby-- very close to his/her sisters.

So far I have been feeling good. Eating like CRAZY! its funny bc my last pregnancy i remember during my first trimester all i wanted was cereal and wasnt all that hungry... and now that i am only having ONE baby, Im eating everything in sight!! I have been on a HUGE fruit kick... so at least its healthy cravings! I havent gotten sick or nauseous, not even once, so knock on wood it stays that way! I have been really tired lately. But am hoping Ill start to get my energy back up in a few weeks.