July 12-14

I started blogging my experience, i just didnt post it until now... so here it is! Our experience findng out we are having a third child!

July 12, 2010

I figured I would continue my blog, as it helps me look back on all of the emotions and memories I have had. My last blog was written on what was supposed to be my daughters due date.

The past month and a half have been a HUGE journey for Billy and I. We started off the month of June by taking a trip to Phoenix/Scottsdale, Arizona. It was an absolutely AMAZING trip... and also quite pricey!! I had never been before, and Billy was going for work, so we went up a few days early and spent some time together. We stayed at the W which was a beautiful hotel. WE shopped, ate tons, and did a little sight seeing. I also found my true love for cucumber martinis there!!

We went on a Hummer tour up the desert and got a lot of beautiful pictures. I also experienced eating cactus fries for the first time, and believe it or not, they were quite delicious! They were prickly pear cacti cut in to slivers and then fried... and it also came with prickly pear sauce!! Very Yummy!

We also went to a March of Dimes event in Tampa, at Tampa General. There was just us and one other family there as we were waiting to head up to the room where they were having the lil event. ** Side note, remember me blogging a while back about a mom that had twins and had a similar situation as I did, and she took the same meds and they helped prolong her labor for 10 weeks?** Well, that was the other family there, April, Patrick and their beautiful daughter Savannah! I finally got to meet April! It was nice catching up and discussing our stories, and we have kept in touch since that day...

I have also had the opportunity to meet with a few other moms that have also lost a child, and it helps knowing that you arent the only one feeling the way you do. Its almost as if we have exact stories on how we feel....

Now, Fathers Day was just around the corner, as well as Billys birthday. This was a HORRIBLE weekend for us. Not only were they reminders of what we were supposed to experience with our daughters, but Billys Uncle was also in Hospice during this time. Sunday was Fathers Day and of course Billy wasnt having too good of a day, neither was I. WE started the day off no where else but to go visit our girls. We brought them roses and were able to sit at their site and talk to them for a short while, after that We spent the afternoon having brunch with family and then decided to go home and take it easy for a while. The next day was Billys birthday. We were supposed to be spending this day with our girls. We had it all planned a long time ago, and kept thinking of how exciting it would be to have our first birthday celebrated with our twins...

Well on top of it being Billys birthday, we had some other bad news that day... Unfortunately, its a private topic, so I cannot share with all of you, but lets just say... our day didnt get any better.

A few days later I decided to take a pregnancy test. Billy and I had decided we were ready to start trying again. I took a test in May and also in April and was bummed out bc I wasnt pregnant. I began to see that i was becoming "fixated" on trying to conceive again and decided its better to let nature take its course and not fixate on this, it just wasnt healthy. I really wanted to take a test sooner, but decided i would wait until i missed a period. Well, sure enough I couldnt wait any longer, and i just had a feeling. Last time i was pregnant it was almost like my dog, Diamond, knew right away. She would act different, come around more, and she would love to just lay on top of my stomache... usually she lays down by my feet under the covers.

Well i took an EPT test and the test result was so light i couldnt tell if it was 2 lines, or one. Billy and I just kept staring at it.. Billy kept trying to pick it up to look at it closer, and i kept yelling at him to keep it flat so it would give it time to become more accurate!! well 10 minutes went by and the 2nd line was there but VERY light, so i called my brother in law over. He had NO clue what was going on... as soon as he came up the stairs in to the bedroom i had my camera on video taping him. I had him go in the bathroom, which he was very hesitant to do at first, and then i had him look at the test. I was so excited, and nervous, and everything all at once-- so was Billy. Well, Pat looked at it and said, "I think you better go get another test!" and then he proceeded to tell me not to get too excited and hype myself up bc the test didnt seem too clear...

I rushed to the car and drove to the Walgreens down the street and got a First Response test this time that says either pregnant or not pregnant. I tried chuggin down more water so i would be able to pee, and then took the test. Billy and I sat there for what felt like FOREVER! I was video taping Billy watching the test, and the lil hour glass keep blinking on the screen, and of course the second i stop recording the result appeared. Billy yelled, "Pregnant!" we were all very excited... and then the nerves set in... I was crying out of happiness, being scared, nervous, everything. and one of Billys remarks, of course after being very excited, was "Poor Taylor and Riley."

I know that our twin daughters will ALWAYS be with us and will forever live within our hearts. Not a day goes by that we dont think of them... or better yet, not a minute goes by we dont think of them... I have a tear in my eye just typing this. I still sleep with their toys every night and no matter where i stay, the toys are with me. I have not gone one night without sleeping with them... I also still wear the jewelry i have received with significance to my girls...


July 14th, Blog Continued...

Well, we of course shared our wonderful news with our family! Our first appointment was made for July 7th and boy oh boy was that a long 2 weeks of waiting full of anticipation!! We are going to the same doctor that delivered my beautiful Taylor and Riley. They were not who Billy and I started out our first pregnancy with, but they were the ones we chose for the delivery, and are so thankful to have met such an amazing doctor and his staff.

The day finally came and our appt was at 8:45am. We of course got there early and we werent seen until around 9:10. My favorite nurse, Rhonda, came and got us and she went to take my weight, blood pressure etc... at that moment everything started to sink in. The last time i was in that exact same chair was after i gave birth to my 2 beautiful angel babies. My emotions were all over the place. I, of course, started crying as we were all talking. When Rhonda went to take my blood pressure it was extremely high, due to my anxiety... she didnt feel comfortable writing that BP number down so she decided to wait until i calmed down a bit and retook it at the end of our appointment and of course it had gone down to a normal level. We went in the room and talked about our history and what not, and then we went to the ultrasound room. I was full of nerves!! Well bc i was so so far along they were not able to do an abdominal ultrasound. They started the ultrasound and the baby was extremely tiny. All we could see on the screen was a TINY Tiny heartbeat. I though all along i was about 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant, but it turned out, i was measuring more toward 5 weeks and 3 days. The heartbeat was so tiny and was beating around 130 bpm. However, bc it was so tiny... Dr P said i was like "2 minutes pregnant!" ... they could not take any measurements, the baby was too small. Most doctor offices do not see patients until they are around 8 weeks pregnant, bc by then they can usually get better measurements. But of course, Dr P let me come in earlier given my history... Well they also could not tell us how many babies we are having... Talk about STRESS!! I have been told, that if I have twins again, odds are not in my favor. We are praying for one, but we also know that God is on our side, and he will not give us anything we cannot handle, and I know I am in good hands and have the best medical care anyone could ask for, so whatever will be, will be.

Dr P said he wants to start seeing me weekly until he can get good measurements. My next appointment is Thursday, July 15th. Because they really couldnt tell us anything at our first appt bc the baby was so small, Billy and i have still been very nervous and anxious. This year has really taken a toll on Billy and I, and FINALLY we have some positive in our life again and are extremely blessed to have been able to conceive again. Dr P stated that I will have my Cervical Cerclage surgery when I am around 13-15 weeks. He said it is a short procedure, maybe 15-20min and then usually i will be able to go home after a few hours, or possibly the following day. After that Billy and I have talked about possibly moving in to his parents house, on the beach, bc the stairs in our house will not help my cervix! So we shall see about that.

I am so thankful for this new baby, but will never ever forget or stop thinking about my 2 first born. I know my girls are up in Heaven watching over us, and watching over there new baby brother or sister.

I am also happy that i did not conceive any sooner. I was told by some, including a family friend/doctor, that i should wait about 6 months to try again. Yet, I was also told by my OB and a Family OB that I can start trying as soon as I had a menstral cycle. Well, now i see why some suggest waiting longer. On one aspect, yes, my body would have been able to conceive another baby shortly after my birth to Taylor and Riley, but mentally I feel I personally would not have been ready. Some may be ready, but for me... even waiting 5 months... its been a toll of different kinds of emotions. I was getting better with my crying... and taking it one day at a time, but recently I have caught myself crying a lot. I am so happy for this new baby, and I am so ready for it, but at the same time I am so nervous, after what I went through, and I am so scared, and I am also missing my daughters even more thinking they will not be here to meet their little brother or sister... but i know they will be looking from up above and will be here with us through this whole journey in spirit. It's all just very hard, but very exciting... just a sea of emotions.

I was talking to my sister last night and I was telling her how I hear all of these pregnant women talking about different things, that i know can induce labor... A part of me feels that I should let each and every one of them know the risks in what theyre doing. But i know, what happened to me and Billy doesnt happen to everyone... so why should i put my opinions on their lives? I think what it is is that i was never told about the chance of preterm labor. My doctors never gave me any information on it, and that is one thing that NEVER crossed my mind. I feel that it should be the doctors obligation to tell you about it. So i feel that if I would have known, maybe things could be different, or if someone would have told me to watch out for things... its just hard seeing some of the things pregnant women do, and know taht they are putting their unborn child at risk... to me its not worth it.

I was also talking about how most pregnant women announce they are pregnant after 13 weeks. I look back and to me, now, 13 weeks really doesnt mean everything is ok... you CAN still have a miscarriage, you CAN still be suseptible to risks... theres a lot more to be scared about!!! There are so many moms out there that have lost a child/children to many different things... I guess knowing now what i know, things can be a little scarier.

On another note. I am feeling good! I think some of my aversions are starting to come back... When I was pregnant with my girls, I could not stand to eat meat! Especially Turkey. and I made a Turkey enchilada casserole the other day, and my turkey aversion is def. back!! No more turkey for me for while!!!