September 15, 2010
I started off this morning to a great start. I woke up and headed off to the doctor for my 16 week cerclage check. Unfortunately, Billy was out of town for work, so he was unable to come with me, but my sister, Courtney, was able to come! I’m scared to go alone. Billy has been at every single appointment with me up until today. He was also at all of Taylor and Riley’s appointments except for one.
I was sick one day, and felt horrible so the doctor had me come in to do a check up, so the actual appointment that time really was not scheduled and didn’t have anything to do with Taylor and Riley per say, it was more them making sure I didn’t need to be on antibiotics or what not for my cold. Well, this was the ONLY time Billy had not been with me, and when I went in, as they went to check the girls heart beats, they only found one. I absolutely panicked! So now, I’m scared to go alone for fear of something like that happening again and me being alone. Well eventually they were able to find the second heart beat, but still those few minutes were just horrible.
Well, today Courtney came with me and of course the second I left the appointment my first phone call was to Billy to give him an update!
3 is one very healthy baby boy! He was VERY active today, moving all around! His heart rate was 147; which is good. They did a quick glimpse and it looked like everything was in the right place and fully functioning. We do a complete anatomy check up at our next appointment in 2 weeks. He was SO CUTE and it looked like he was chewing and blowing kisses. One happy baby boy. It was hard to get a good picture this time because he was so active, but we did manage to get a few! The sonographer got one AWESOME shot of one of his little feet. It is so adorable!! We also got a few of his head and body, his face, and of his “male parts”.
The doctor brought up another option Billy and I may want to seek, Progesterone shots. This is a shot that I would have to take EVERY WEEK starting at 20 weeks up until 37 weeks. Studies show that these shots MAY help reduce the chance of preterm labor. The doctor, however, did remind me that my circumstances are different this time: I have a cerclage, I am being followed EXTREMELY closely, and there is only one baby this time. So far my cervix is looking healthy, measured 4.7 today and my stitch is holding firm. I read on the March of Dimes web page that these shots have not proven to have any short term side effects on the baby (for up to 2 years of age) but they don’t have any studies to show any long term side effects… so you never know if these shots could effect 3 in the future. Many women have taken these shots and I was reading one blog where a lady said she took them and it prolonged her labor, however she still delivered preterm @ 30 something weeks. I haven’t seen anywhere where someone has taken the shots and has had a cerclage. We still have 4 weeks to decide on this, it was just an option we have, not necessarily a recommendation. Any opinions on what you would do?! Im so scared of effecting 3, and the way I am seeing it is my doctor is already following me SO close, that I feel if things do turn for the worst, we will be able to catch it in time this time, but then again you never know.
Dr P also said that beginning 20 weeks, I won’t be able to travel or go really anywhere that’s too far from him. Not that I would anyway, and even if I did, not that Billy would let me!! At 20 weeks I will be monitored even more and will more than likely be moving from bi-weekly visits to weekly visits. But that’s fine with me because I LOVE seeing my lil man grow!
Well that’s about it on todays visit to the doctor… Im hoping I will start feeling my lil boy moving real soon! I read that you can start feeling your baby as early as 16 weeks and each pregnancy you can feel movement sooner. I remember I really didn’t start feeling Taylor and Riley until later in my pregnancy, but maybe since this is my second pregnancy ill be feeling him move earlier on? Ill keep you posted on that!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
September 10,2010
September 10, 2010
As usual, I find my self blogging mainly when I am having a bad day, or have had a few bad days in a row...
Tuesday I fell back into a slump. I was at the grave visiting my girls as I ALWAYS do and I was fine. Sitting there peacefully enjoying my Flatbread and smoothie and just talking to my girls. Then a car pulled up. I m usually at the cemetery alone, or at least the area where Taylor and Riley are buried no one else is usually around. Tuesday was different, a car pulled up and a family of 3 were bringing flowers to someone kind of close to Taylor and Riley. I just sat on the girls bench and so many thoughts were running through my head. First, I wondered who they were visiting? The family was older, looked like a mom, a dad, and an older daughter in her mid 40's. Were they visiting a relative? Grandparents/parents? Everyone I was imagining in my head would have been an older person. Then I wondered to myself if they were thinking the same thing about me and wondering who I was visiting. How many times do you really walk in to a cemetery or hear of a death and think of a baby or a child? Usually never. The thought of that just made me fall into tears. As my eyes water once again while writing this. I said goodbye to my babies, kissed their headstone 4 times, as I always do (2 kisses for each girl) and then got in my car and lost it. As I slowly pulled out of the cemetery I looked back and saw that family kind of walking toward my girls. Im sure they were curious as to who I was visiting.
That set my mood for the rest of the day/night. After work, I went home, changed in to my PJ's and cuddled up on the couch and waited for Billy to get home. I had tears in my eyes as he walked in and he knew it had been "one of those days" for me.
It's amazing how some days I find myself "getting better" and then one little thing can trigger me right back into my crying spells.
The other day I for the FIRST time, was able to look at Taylor and Riley's baby registry. Billy and I figured we would use the same registry for 3, just change all the girl stuff to boy and update the registry to only 1 of everything instead of 2.
It's so weird. At the beginning of this pregnancy when I would refer to 3, knowing I was only carrying 1 child this time, I would always say, "When my babies come..." There were so many times I had to correct myself. Sometime its a complete blur as to what happened that day, and facing reality, then I look at a picture of my beautiful angels and accept reality.
Anytime I drive, I sit back and that is my time to be in complete silence and just gather my thoughts. The other day, while driving I started thinking about "that day". Such a painful day. These memories I dont think I will ever be able to get out of my head.
Then I look, and I see the world around me, and have faith that I will see the light again, and although I know i will NEVER be healed of this pain that lingers in my heart, i hope and pray I will just be able to handle it a little easier.
I look at the precious gift God has given one of my sorority sisters, and think to myself that at one point Im sure she was at her lowest, after the doctors had advised her she would never be able to conceive, and then she went through an adoption process, was matched with a child and then found out she was pregnant. Such joy has come into her life after Im sure, much sorrow and pain.
Billy and I are COMPLETELY overjoyed with finding we are expecting again, and now even more having a little boy, but at times I feel that our joy is outshined by fear. Fear of the same outcome. I have 100% trust in my doctors, but then again only God knows what the future holds. Every little thing Billy and I worry about.
I still have trouble doing certain thnings, the only ultrasounds I like to see are my own, my beautiful baby boy, even looking at Taylor and Rileys ultrasounds at times are hard.
My sister in law is being induced on Monday, and I dont know how to feel. I am so excited to meet my nephew, but at the same time I dont know how hard it will be looking at a newborn. The last newborns I saw were my own. I am trying to brace myself and trying to prepare for Monday. Some may tell me to "suck it up" or "it's totally different" etc, but they arent in my shoes. Its hard to look at twins, and I have a feeling seeing a newborn will be just as hard. I will def be at that hospital though and will be there for my nephew. A few weeks later my sister will be having her twin boys, which Im sure will bring up more emotions as well seeing Twin newborns. I guess these are things I will get used to, it's just really hard. However, I cannot wait until Feb/March to meet my baby boy! He is truly a blessing to us.
As for my cerclage. All is good now!! a week or so of pain, and now Im ALMOST back to my self. I still feel discomfort if I walk too much, but the doctor said that will happen. I go to my next appointment on Wednesday to check the length of my cervix and make sure the stitch is holding. Praying that all goes well! From here on out I have doctor appointments every 2 weeks, and if there is any change in my body they may go to every week, or even more than that. I have no problem with this!! I get to see my lil man growing every 2 weeks! one week is a cervical length check up and then the next is a baby checkup, however each time they will look at both, but every other week they focus on just one thing, baby or cervix.
Billy and I had tickets to the UF/USF game this weekend, but due to the Koran burning we decided not to take the chance of anything happening and decided it's not worth the life of our 3rd baby, so we arent going. I know to some this may sound ridiculous, but this is how we live day to day... we try to avoid any bad situation possible. Chances are all will be fine, but we arent taking that chance. So on that note... we will be watching the game in St Pete, and Go BULLS!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
September 1, 2010
I am finally feeling more like myself and a lot of my discomfort has gone away, so thought I would now blog about my surgery and about what has gone on in the past 2 weeks!
On Monday, August 23rd, I had my cervical cerclage put in. For those of you who are unaware of what that is, it's a stitch the doctor has placed on my cervix to stitch it hope to HOPEFULLY prevent me from going into pre-term labor again. This was a HUGE deal for my husband and I bc this stitch is what is going to save my baby's life. Just wish they would have thought to put one in for my beautiful daughters :( . There is no guarantee that the stitch will hold to 37 weeks, but we are all very optimistic that it will! At 37 weeks, around February 8th, Dr P will remove the cerclage and at any time after that I will be ok to go in to labor. I've heard stories on what could possibly happen : 1. The stitch does not hold until 37 weeks, and I may have to have a 2nd cerclage put in, or if I am far enough along, i go in to labor 2. At 37 weeks, after the stitch is removed I go in to labor right away, or a few days later 3. because of all of the scar tissue that will be building around my cervix bc of the stitch, it is possible that I am unable to have a vaginal birth bc my cervix will not allow it, and the doctor will have to induce me and deliver via C-section. We are praying for scenario # 2!!
Ok, now on to "that" day... Monday morning I was a ball of nerves, literally. I have been full of nerves every week leading up to the cerclage, and on Monday it was even worse. I was nervous for baby #3 and was nervous to be back in the operating room- not too nervous about the actual procedure. Dr P chose to have me go to the outpatient hospital for the procedure. I am thinking he did this knowing how I was feeling about being back in the OR at Baby Place, the same OR that i delivered my Riley in. Well, Billy and I pulled in to the hospital and after filling out the proper paperwork, we took a seat in the waiting room. A few minutes had gone by, maybe 30, and all of a sudden I heard a panicked voice coming from the lady sitting near us. She was leaning over her Husband, that was hunched over in his chair, screaming "Mike! Mike!". I looked over and saw that the man's joints were starting to lock up and he was having a seizure. His wife was in a panic. All of a sudden, he lifted his head and his pupils were HUGE and then he started making a screaming/moaning sound. I usually would help him, but being that we were in a hospital, and the nurses were there, and the fact that I was already EXTREMELY nervous about my procedure, I felt my chest start to tighten, I started to go in to a panic attack and started to tear up and we had to walk out. I felt so bad. How bad did that look that this poor man is in a full blown seizure and I had to walk out of the room. Well, at that point there was no way I would have been able to stay in that room, I was too shaken up. I felt so HORRIBLE for that man, and prayed that he would be ok. I soon found out that it seemed as if the man had a neurological disorder so that is what triggered his seizure, they all said he would be ok and he was sent to the ER.
Well, Billy and I went back inside, and then my name was called right away. They told me I had to go in ALONE!!!! I was freaking out! The nurse was very nice, and I had to change in to my gown and she had to start an IV. Of course by this point my tears were rolling. After I was all set, they allowed Billy and my parents to come in and wait with me. dr P came in and discussed everything with us. and I also met with the Anesthesiologist. We had decided to do a spinal. I did not want to be sedated.
Well wide awake they wheeled me, and me alone, in to the OR. Dr P was right there with me. As soon as I looked over at that tiny operating table, I lost it. I was a complete mess! They asked me to scoot on to the table from my bed and the entire time all i kept picturing was being in the OR with Riley, and the nurses having to pull me on to the operating table from my bed sheets. It was horrible being in there, wide awake, and without my husband. Dr P kept reminding me this is a whole new ball game. A whole new pregnancy, a differernt OR and COMPLETELY different circumstances. He tried his best to calm me down. After a lil while the Anesthesiologist started to prepare me for my spinal. I was so nervous, I HATE needles! Well he put one shot in, and i thought that was it... Wow was I wrong, that was just the numbing shot!! Then he put the Spinal in. I started to feel my feet tingle and get a lil heavy, but I was not a numb as they had hoped I would be. They started to prepare me, strap my legs up in the harnesses again, and i was really fidgity. It was mainly from my nerves. Time passed and I was just not settling down, and could still feel things, and the A kept asking if he could sedate me a bit. i kept refusing, but eventually, he asked again, and I said "Whatever Dr P wants me to do." he said that he thought that would be for the best. i asked a thousand questions on the effects it could possibly have on baby # 3, bc I was not going to do anything that would hurt my child, but he advised me that the baby would be fine, so I gave the ok, the A gave me the meds, and before I knew it i was passed out!
I woke up to at first nothing, but that was bc the meds were still in me! After a few minutes passed the pain started to sink in. Oh my did I have MAJOR cramping. The nurses, and doctors offered to give me pain meds, but I was already not happy about being sedated, and the pain meds were definately out of the question. I was not putting my child's well being at risk all for a bit of pain. I sucked it up. The doctor said I could take a lighter dose of pain meds, like Advil, but of course, I refused that too!
Billy and I got to leave a few hours later, and the pain had subsided a LITTLE. I was still in a lot of pain. We had decided to stay at the Vinoy, bc the doctor said it would not be good for me to use stairs right away, so we just went to the resort! Right away I climbed in to bed and did not want to get up. The pain hurt no matter what position I laid in, but was worse when i was sitting/standing so laying was my only option. Just as I would start to feel better, and the cramping would slow down, of course I would have to go to the restroom. Then every time I got up to do that, the pain/cramping/discomfort would come back! It was a lose/lose situation... get up and hurt, or stay in bed and hold it and potentially get a bladder infection.
Well each day got a lil better. Tuesday I was still real crampy/sore and Wednesday too. Thursday came, and I started to feel a bit better and would only cramp every now and then, Friday the same, and then Saturday was a bit better. This has been off and on since the surgery. Thankfully the cramping has gone away, but still discomfort. Especially if I stand or sit too long. That puts extra pressure on my cervix so makes it even more sore. I pretty much have gone to work this week, and then gone straight home to lay down and not get up!!
Monday, August 30th, was 7 months since my angels entered this world. I was achy, sore, it was my first day back at work, and was VERY emotional for me. I just could not stop crying. I just wish my babies could have been saved. This is the worst pain I have ever had to deal with. Losing a child I would not wish upon anyone, even my worst enemy. As mentioned before though, I have sought a lot of comfort in speaking to my mom friends that have also experienced a loss. They were all there for me too after my surgery. I got e-mails and texts from each of them! I had an awesome support system during my recovery. It was just a VERY extremely emotional ride for me... and not only me, but for my husband too!!
The discomfort still comes and goes and the doctor said it will prob last for 3-4 WEEKS!!! crazy, but all worth it in the end!
After all that happened on Monday, Billy and I were just very nervous for baby # 3. We just wanted to make sure he/she was healthy. Well finally Tuesday, August 31st, had come and it was time for our cerclage check-up! We went in to the U/S room and the second the sonographer put the thing on my tummy, our beautiful baby pooped up on the screen and was very active! Our minds were at ease!! I asked about the heart and what not, and when could they tell how he/she was doing anatomy wise. We were told prob not til about 16-18 weeks, but she did look at the heart and could tell that our lil one had 4 healthy chambers!! dr P walked in and his first words were, Wow! Look at that profile, thats one cute baby! Of course he/she is!! Taylor and Riley were absolutely gorgeous and we know # 3 will be just as perfect!
We asked when can we find out the sex. The sonographer started to toy around and man o man 3 was not shy at all! Legs were spread wide open. DrP said he does not like making assumptions/guesses that early on, i am 14 weeks, but it was quite obvious we are having a baby BOY!!!! The sonographer said, "If its not a boy, then I have no idea what that is!!" and then the doctor explained that girls can sometimes be swollen, and it may look like a boy at that time, but once the baby gets bigger, the swelling goes down. Our sonographer agreed, but then said, "yeah thats true, but its not usually that big!" LOL. So we are pretty positive we are having a baby boy! 2 beautiful baby girls and now a handsome baby boy! we are beyond excited! Of course, we werent very biased as to the sex of this lil one, all we were/are praying for is full term and healthy!
If in fact 3 is a boy, his name will be Charles William Young III --after his grandpa and dad! And his nickname will be Three!! because he will be the 3rd CWY and our 3rd child! We are very excited!! Grandpa Abreu is already planning his baseball career, and Billys already been searching for yankees clothes! LOL.
On Monday, August 23rd, I had my cervical cerclage put in. For those of you who are unaware of what that is, it's a stitch the doctor has placed on my cervix to stitch it hope to HOPEFULLY prevent me from going into pre-term labor again. This was a HUGE deal for my husband and I bc this stitch is what is going to save my baby's life. Just wish they would have thought to put one in for my beautiful daughters :( . There is no guarantee that the stitch will hold to 37 weeks, but we are all very optimistic that it will! At 37 weeks, around February 8th, Dr P will remove the cerclage and at any time after that I will be ok to go in to labor. I've heard stories on what could possibly happen : 1. The stitch does not hold until 37 weeks, and I may have to have a 2nd cerclage put in, or if I am far enough along, i go in to labor 2. At 37 weeks, after the stitch is removed I go in to labor right away, or a few days later 3. because of all of the scar tissue that will be building around my cervix bc of the stitch, it is possible that I am unable to have a vaginal birth bc my cervix will not allow it, and the doctor will have to induce me and deliver via C-section. We are praying for scenario # 2!!
Ok, now on to "that" day... Monday morning I was a ball of nerves, literally. I have been full of nerves every week leading up to the cerclage, and on Monday it was even worse. I was nervous for baby #3 and was nervous to be back in the operating room- not too nervous about the actual procedure. Dr P chose to have me go to the outpatient hospital for the procedure. I am thinking he did this knowing how I was feeling about being back in the OR at Baby Place, the same OR that i delivered my Riley in. Well, Billy and I pulled in to the hospital and after filling out the proper paperwork, we took a seat in the waiting room. A few minutes had gone by, maybe 30, and all of a sudden I heard a panicked voice coming from the lady sitting near us. She was leaning over her Husband, that was hunched over in his chair, screaming "Mike! Mike!". I looked over and saw that the man's joints were starting to lock up and he was having a seizure. His wife was in a panic. All of a sudden, he lifted his head and his pupils were HUGE and then he started making a screaming/moaning sound. I usually would help him, but being that we were in a hospital, and the nurses were there, and the fact that I was already EXTREMELY nervous about my procedure, I felt my chest start to tighten, I started to go in to a panic attack and started to tear up and we had to walk out. I felt so bad. How bad did that look that this poor man is in a full blown seizure and I had to walk out of the room. Well, at that point there was no way I would have been able to stay in that room, I was too shaken up. I felt so HORRIBLE for that man, and prayed that he would be ok. I soon found out that it seemed as if the man had a neurological disorder so that is what triggered his seizure, they all said he would be ok and he was sent to the ER.
Well, Billy and I went back inside, and then my name was called right away. They told me I had to go in ALONE!!!! I was freaking out! The nurse was very nice, and I had to change in to my gown and she had to start an IV. Of course by this point my tears were rolling. After I was all set, they allowed Billy and my parents to come in and wait with me. dr P came in and discussed everything with us. and I also met with the Anesthesiologist. We had decided to do a spinal. I did not want to be sedated.
Well wide awake they wheeled me, and me alone, in to the OR. Dr P was right there with me. As soon as I looked over at that tiny operating table, I lost it. I was a complete mess! They asked me to scoot on to the table from my bed and the entire time all i kept picturing was being in the OR with Riley, and the nurses having to pull me on to the operating table from my bed sheets. It was horrible being in there, wide awake, and without my husband. Dr P kept reminding me this is a whole new ball game. A whole new pregnancy, a differernt OR and COMPLETELY different circumstances. He tried his best to calm me down. After a lil while the Anesthesiologist started to prepare me for my spinal. I was so nervous, I HATE needles! Well he put one shot in, and i thought that was it... Wow was I wrong, that was just the numbing shot!! Then he put the Spinal in. I started to feel my feet tingle and get a lil heavy, but I was not a numb as they had hoped I would be. They started to prepare me, strap my legs up in the harnesses again, and i was really fidgity. It was mainly from my nerves. Time passed and I was just not settling down, and could still feel things, and the A kept asking if he could sedate me a bit. i kept refusing, but eventually, he asked again, and I said "Whatever Dr P wants me to do." he said that he thought that would be for the best. i asked a thousand questions on the effects it could possibly have on baby # 3, bc I was not going to do anything that would hurt my child, but he advised me that the baby would be fine, so I gave the ok, the A gave me the meds, and before I knew it i was passed out!
I woke up to at first nothing, but that was bc the meds were still in me! After a few minutes passed the pain started to sink in. Oh my did I have MAJOR cramping. The nurses, and doctors offered to give me pain meds, but I was already not happy about being sedated, and the pain meds were definately out of the question. I was not putting my child's well being at risk all for a bit of pain. I sucked it up. The doctor said I could take a lighter dose of pain meds, like Advil, but of course, I refused that too!
Billy and I got to leave a few hours later, and the pain had subsided a LITTLE. I was still in a lot of pain. We had decided to stay at the Vinoy, bc the doctor said it would not be good for me to use stairs right away, so we just went to the resort! Right away I climbed in to bed and did not want to get up. The pain hurt no matter what position I laid in, but was worse when i was sitting/standing so laying was my only option. Just as I would start to feel better, and the cramping would slow down, of course I would have to go to the restroom. Then every time I got up to do that, the pain/cramping/discomfort would come back! It was a lose/lose situation... get up and hurt, or stay in bed and hold it and potentially get a bladder infection.
Well each day got a lil better. Tuesday I was still real crampy/sore and Wednesday too. Thursday came, and I started to feel a bit better and would only cramp every now and then, Friday the same, and then Saturday was a bit better. This has been off and on since the surgery. Thankfully the cramping has gone away, but still discomfort. Especially if I stand or sit too long. That puts extra pressure on my cervix so makes it even more sore. I pretty much have gone to work this week, and then gone straight home to lay down and not get up!!
Monday, August 30th, was 7 months since my angels entered this world. I was achy, sore, it was my first day back at work, and was VERY emotional for me. I just could not stop crying. I just wish my babies could have been saved. This is the worst pain I have ever had to deal with. Losing a child I would not wish upon anyone, even my worst enemy. As mentioned before though, I have sought a lot of comfort in speaking to my mom friends that have also experienced a loss. They were all there for me too after my surgery. I got e-mails and texts from each of them! I had an awesome support system during my recovery. It was just a VERY extremely emotional ride for me... and not only me, but for my husband too!!
The discomfort still comes and goes and the doctor said it will prob last for 3-4 WEEKS!!! crazy, but all worth it in the end!
After all that happened on Monday, Billy and I were just very nervous for baby # 3. We just wanted to make sure he/she was healthy. Well finally Tuesday, August 31st, had come and it was time for our cerclage check-up! We went in to the U/S room and the second the sonographer put the thing on my tummy, our beautiful baby pooped up on the screen and was very active! Our minds were at ease!! I asked about the heart and what not, and when could they tell how he/she was doing anatomy wise. We were told prob not til about 16-18 weeks, but she did look at the heart and could tell that our lil one had 4 healthy chambers!! dr P walked in and his first words were, Wow! Look at that profile, thats one cute baby! Of course he/she is!! Taylor and Riley were absolutely gorgeous and we know # 3 will be just as perfect!
We asked when can we find out the sex. The sonographer started to toy around and man o man 3 was not shy at all! Legs were spread wide open. DrP said he does not like making assumptions/guesses that early on, i am 14 weeks, but it was quite obvious we are having a baby BOY!!!! The sonographer said, "If its not a boy, then I have no idea what that is!!" and then the doctor explained that girls can sometimes be swollen, and it may look like a boy at that time, but once the baby gets bigger, the swelling goes down. Our sonographer agreed, but then said, "yeah thats true, but its not usually that big!" LOL. So we are pretty positive we are having a baby boy! 2 beautiful baby girls and now a handsome baby boy! we are beyond excited! Of course, we werent very biased as to the sex of this lil one, all we were/are praying for is full term and healthy!
If in fact 3 is a boy, his name will be Charles William Young III --after his grandpa and dad! And his nickname will be Three!! because he will be the 3rd CWY and our 3rd child! We are very excited!! Grandpa Abreu is already planning his baseball career, and Billys already been searching for yankees clothes! LOL.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
August 12, 2010
This morning was my follow up doctor appointment, I am now 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant! Well, he stated that the baby looks good and measuring exactly what he should be measuring at 11 weeks!! Yay, good news for baby #3! The baby was moving all around and was extremely active! His/Her heart was beating at 171bpm, which they said was great! the heartbeat has increased since our last appointment, but i guess thats what its supposed to do?!
We discussed my surgery, cervical cerclage, and I will be having that done next Monday, the 23rd. SCARY! After many tears, discussing what happened to Taylor and Riley, and the difference in this pregnancy, I found that my cerclage will be done at a different OR than I went to with Riley,so I guess that will alleviate some of my stress seeing that same room again. The doctor also suggested that possibly, when it is time to deliver baby #3 that he ill do it in the same OR as Riley, so I can overcome that fear of being back in that room, and have a more positive memory of it. I dont know what i think about that yet, but obviously we have PLENTY of time!! The cerclage is supposed to help a lot, and if it holds (which it should and we are praying it does) then i may possibly have to have a c-section bc of the scar tissue. But we are all pushing to not have to have a c-section, so I guess we'll see as we get closer to the end!
I am very xcited, nervous, anxious for the procedure, but i know it will be all worth it in the end!!
On another note, I was not baptised as a child, and recently that has been something I have REALLY been wanting to do. So this Saturday, I will be getting baptised!! I am SO looking forward to taking this extra step in my faith and am really excited!
We discussed my surgery, cervical cerclage, and I will be having that done next Monday, the 23rd. SCARY! After many tears, discussing what happened to Taylor and Riley, and the difference in this pregnancy, I found that my cerclage will be done at a different OR than I went to with Riley,so I guess that will alleviate some of my stress seeing that same room again. The doctor also suggested that possibly, when it is time to deliver baby #3 that he ill do it in the same OR as Riley, so I can overcome that fear of being back in that room, and have a more positive memory of it. I dont know what i think about that yet, but obviously we have PLENTY of time!! The cerclage is supposed to help a lot, and if it holds (which it should and we are praying it does) then i may possibly have to have a c-section bc of the scar tissue. But we are all pushing to not have to have a c-section, so I guess we'll see as we get closer to the end!
I am very xcited, nervous, anxious for the procedure, but i know it will be all worth it in the end!!
On another note, I was not baptised as a child, and recently that has been something I have REALLY been wanting to do. So this Saturday, I will be getting baptised!! I am SO looking forward to taking this extra step in my faith and am really excited!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
August 11, 2010
Can I just start off by saying, “UGH!!” So, I checked my mail the other day and found that I got ANOTHER bill for Riley from the hospital. However, I have yet to receive one for Taylor, but I’m sure that one will be following. Well, the bill was for $3K. I cannot imagine what each of them were charged for a total of $6K? I called the hospital billing department, and of course, that alone causes stress and anxiety. Well, I asked the gentleman to detail the services provided to Riley to explain to me what she was charged for. He read off the list 3 things; a nursery charge, a bed charge, and an assessment charge. SERIOUSLY? 1. They never went in to a nursery, so that is just absurd 2. a bed charge? For what? They did not stay in a “room” 3. an assessment charge? No one assessed them once they were born. Literally, I gave birth to Taylor and they handed her to me right away, then after I delivered Riley, they handed her to me right away… so therefore, what was assessed? I asked if they charged for say a morgue charge, bc the hospital had to keep the girls until the funeral home came to get them, and the billing department told me no, that they don’t charge for that. So what else could it be? The guy said he agreed with me, after I was completely flowing with tears having to detail to him what happened that day, and he said he was going to look in to this and call me back. So I guess we shall see from there.
On another note, I met with my 2 friends last night for dinner, Heather and April. Heather lost her baby girl, Abby, last November and April lost her baby boy, Patrick, November of 2008. Well every now and then Heather and I meet for lunch and catch up and talk about how each of us are holding up, and recently I have been talking with April, so I decided it’d be nice to bring all of us together! We had a great dinner and were able to really talk about how we are doing. Kind of like a mini therapy session. It’s always nice talking to other moms that have experienced a loss such as ours. I can say to you that I had a bad day, and you would probably take it as the typical “bad day”, yet when I tell one of the moms that I had a bad day, they know exactly what I mean… Its nice to know that I am not alone in the way that I am feeling. Yes, it has been a little over 6 months, but my day to day pain does not hurt any less.
I was talking to my sister about meeting with the girls and she was a little worried that it might not be too healthy for me to go and keep talking about this sadness, but I explained to her that it truly does help. These moms, and any mom that has lost a child, knows EXACTLY what it feels like to go through this. And yes, I can explain it to you and try to make you see where I am coming from, but in the end its still hard to truly know something unless you’ve been through it.
You go through something like this and for everyone else, life goes on, but for Billy and I, it’s so hard to just “go on.” We think about our girls and talk about our girls every day, every morning, every night. As April put it last night, “It’s all we know.”
Whenever I send out a birthday card to a friend or family member I ALWAYS include Taylor and Riley’s names in the signature. They are our daughters and will FOREVER be our daughters, and it just doesn’t feel right to me to leave them out. And everytime I go to sign the card I think to myself, “is this ok? Is this person going to think I am crazy?” But in the end I guess who cares, if it is what I feel is right, then who cares what they think.
On to Baby #3!!...
Well, I am 11 weeks and 1 day! I am loving every minute of being pregnant. As mentioned MANY times before , this pregnancy is completely different than the last in the way I am feeling. Yes, I am always tired, as I was with Taylor and Riley. But with Taylor and Riley during my first trimester I barely ate… nothing sounded good, and I was just never hungry. Well, this new lil one is way different! I want to eat anything and EVERYTHING. I am always hungry!! Thankfully all that is growing is my tummy, and it’s still not big! Literally, I can eat a full meal, and then an hour later be hungry again! Many say I’m probably having a boy bc my cravings are so different. I have to keep reminding them that last time I was also pregnant with TWINS so no matter what I am having, my cravings/body/entire pregnancy will be different with just one!
It’s funny bc some days my stomach seems bigger than others! It’s just the bloating that comes with being pregnant, but still its weird!
I go to see the doctor tomorrow morning and am excited for another ultrasound, but am a little nervous too, because tomorrow is when we plan for my surgery. Which I am assuming will be in 2 weeks.
Ill keep you posted on how everything goes!
On another note, I met with my 2 friends last night for dinner, Heather and April. Heather lost her baby girl, Abby, last November and April lost her baby boy, Patrick, November of 2008. Well every now and then Heather and I meet for lunch and catch up and talk about how each of us are holding up, and recently I have been talking with April, so I decided it’d be nice to bring all of us together! We had a great dinner and were able to really talk about how we are doing. Kind of like a mini therapy session. It’s always nice talking to other moms that have experienced a loss such as ours. I can say to you that I had a bad day, and you would probably take it as the typical “bad day”, yet when I tell one of the moms that I had a bad day, they know exactly what I mean… Its nice to know that I am not alone in the way that I am feeling. Yes, it has been a little over 6 months, but my day to day pain does not hurt any less.
I was talking to my sister about meeting with the girls and she was a little worried that it might not be too healthy for me to go and keep talking about this sadness, but I explained to her that it truly does help. These moms, and any mom that has lost a child, knows EXACTLY what it feels like to go through this. And yes, I can explain it to you and try to make you see where I am coming from, but in the end its still hard to truly know something unless you’ve been through it.
You go through something like this and for everyone else, life goes on, but for Billy and I, it’s so hard to just “go on.” We think about our girls and talk about our girls every day, every morning, every night. As April put it last night, “It’s all we know.”
Whenever I send out a birthday card to a friend or family member I ALWAYS include Taylor and Riley’s names in the signature. They are our daughters and will FOREVER be our daughters, and it just doesn’t feel right to me to leave them out. And everytime I go to sign the card I think to myself, “is this ok? Is this person going to think I am crazy?” But in the end I guess who cares, if it is what I feel is right, then who cares what they think.
On to Baby #3!!...
Well, I am 11 weeks and 1 day! I am loving every minute of being pregnant. As mentioned MANY times before , this pregnancy is completely different than the last in the way I am feeling. Yes, I am always tired, as I was with Taylor and Riley. But with Taylor and Riley during my first trimester I barely ate… nothing sounded good, and I was just never hungry. Well, this new lil one is way different! I want to eat anything and EVERYTHING. I am always hungry!! Thankfully all that is growing is my tummy, and it’s still not big! Literally, I can eat a full meal, and then an hour later be hungry again! Many say I’m probably having a boy bc my cravings are so different. I have to keep reminding them that last time I was also pregnant with TWINS so no matter what I am having, my cravings/body/entire pregnancy will be different with just one!
It’s funny bc some days my stomach seems bigger than others! It’s just the bloating that comes with being pregnant, but still its weird!
I go to see the doctor tomorrow morning and am excited for another ultrasound, but am a little nervous too, because tomorrow is when we plan for my surgery. Which I am assuming will be in 2 weeks.
Ill keep you posted on how everything goes!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
July 28th
July 28, 2010
These past few weeks have been kind of tough. I was at Baby Place ( The hospital where I delivered Taylor and Riley) yesterday and as I was walking out there was a lady and her husband walking through with big smiles on their faces, as the dad was saying... "We're having a baby today!!" I know that I am pregnant again and am looking forward to our new addition, but I still think about my girls any time I see a pregnant lady, and especially at that moment in the hospital. I just saw the joy in the parents faces and couldnt help but think about the pain Billy and I had the moment we found out, "we are going to have our babies today." Nothing that day was happy for us... well except the part where we were able to hold our beautiful daughters for the first and only time that day. It brings back so much pain still to this day. My daughters would have been 6 months old this Friday.
Before I saw that happy couple, I was going down the elevator and saw a lady who had just had her baby... what was on her mind? Going downstairs to smoke a cigarette... Honestly, you are going to bring a new born in to that environment? I heard someone saying how there was a lady on the antepartum floor (so this means she was having complications and hadnt had her baby yet-- wether its preterm labor complications or something else, i do not know) and everyday she would walk down stairs to smoke... that just drives me crazy!! I was so good to my daughters, watched EVERTHING i did and EVERYTHING i ate to ensure their health and well being. I know it isnt right to judge other people, and the way they do things, but inside it just hurts so bad seeing what some pregnant women do, while others are trying so hard for their unborn child.
I then walked out to my car, and had to wait for the valet, while there were probably 6 pregnant women standing around outside... I guess the hospital was really busy that day. It just brings back reminders for me and is so hard. But then i stop and think, Im pregnant again, and this time we will have a better outcome, I just know it. Im still scared, i still cry ALL the time for my 2 angels, but I know nothing will ever bring them back and I need to accept things the way they are.
I dont know if its bc Im pregnant again, and emotions are flaring and increased or what but I have been crying a lot more recently. Its like I am on a roller coaster... and these past 6 months have been a LONG ride for me. At first it was shock and not accepting the reality, then it was the crying CONSTANTLY, then it was the "trying to get better" and now it going back to the crying constantly. I think its a combo between the loss of my girls and the anxiety/fear/worry for my new baby. I know stress isnt good for pregnancies, so i have been a lot better about trying to not get too stressed.
I am currently painting the angels i got for Taylor and Riley to put under their bench. so fasr they are adorable! But i def still have a long way to go. Painting helps me and allows me to have a few moments of peacefulness.
This past week I looked at the Chinese Birth Calendar. According to the one I saw, I am having another girl! I looked at it and did the test for Taylor and Riley, my sister and her 2 boys, my sister in law and her son, and my girlfriend and her son and so far everyone was accurate on that calendar... so I guess we shall see in September if its right or not!
Billy and I couldnt be happier for this baby. We are so anxious and happy and are looking forward to FEBRUARY!I will have my stitch removed the week of February 8th, so anytime after that I am ok to deliver. My due date is March 1st! So Im assuming my baby will be a February baby-- very close to his/her sisters.
So far I have been feeling good. Eating like CRAZY! its funny bc my last pregnancy i remember during my first trimester all i wanted was cereal and wasnt all that hungry... and now that i am only having ONE baby, Im eating everything in sight!! I have been on a HUGE fruit kick... so at least its healthy cravings! I havent gotten sick or nauseous, not even once, so knock on wood it stays that way! I have been really tired lately. But am hoping Ill start to get my energy back up in a few weeks.
These past few weeks have been kind of tough. I was at Baby Place ( The hospital where I delivered Taylor and Riley) yesterday and as I was walking out there was a lady and her husband walking through with big smiles on their faces, as the dad was saying... "We're having a baby today!!" I know that I am pregnant again and am looking forward to our new addition, but I still think about my girls any time I see a pregnant lady, and especially at that moment in the hospital. I just saw the joy in the parents faces and couldnt help but think about the pain Billy and I had the moment we found out, "we are going to have our babies today." Nothing that day was happy for us... well except the part where we were able to hold our beautiful daughters for the first and only time that day. It brings back so much pain still to this day. My daughters would have been 6 months old this Friday.
Before I saw that happy couple, I was going down the elevator and saw a lady who had just had her baby... what was on her mind? Going downstairs to smoke a cigarette... Honestly, you are going to bring a new born in to that environment? I heard someone saying how there was a lady on the antepartum floor (so this means she was having complications and hadnt had her baby yet-- wether its preterm labor complications or something else, i do not know) and everyday she would walk down stairs to smoke... that just drives me crazy!! I was so good to my daughters, watched EVERTHING i did and EVERYTHING i ate to ensure their health and well being. I know it isnt right to judge other people, and the way they do things, but inside it just hurts so bad seeing what some pregnant women do, while others are trying so hard for their unborn child.
I then walked out to my car, and had to wait for the valet, while there were probably 6 pregnant women standing around outside... I guess the hospital was really busy that day. It just brings back reminders for me and is so hard. But then i stop and think, Im pregnant again, and this time we will have a better outcome, I just know it. Im still scared, i still cry ALL the time for my 2 angels, but I know nothing will ever bring them back and I need to accept things the way they are.
I dont know if its bc Im pregnant again, and emotions are flaring and increased or what but I have been crying a lot more recently. Its like I am on a roller coaster... and these past 6 months have been a LONG ride for me. At first it was shock and not accepting the reality, then it was the crying CONSTANTLY, then it was the "trying to get better" and now it going back to the crying constantly. I think its a combo between the loss of my girls and the anxiety/fear/worry for my new baby. I know stress isnt good for pregnancies, so i have been a lot better about trying to not get too stressed.
I am currently painting the angels i got for Taylor and Riley to put under their bench. so fasr they are adorable! But i def still have a long way to go. Painting helps me and allows me to have a few moments of peacefulness.
This past week I looked at the Chinese Birth Calendar. According to the one I saw, I am having another girl! I looked at it and did the test for Taylor and Riley, my sister and her 2 boys, my sister in law and her son, and my girlfriend and her son and so far everyone was accurate on that calendar... so I guess we shall see in September if its right or not!
Billy and I couldnt be happier for this baby. We are so anxious and happy and are looking forward to FEBRUARY!I will have my stitch removed the week of February 8th, so anytime after that I am ok to deliver. My due date is March 1st! So Im assuming my baby will be a February baby-- very close to his/her sisters.
So far I have been feeling good. Eating like CRAZY! its funny bc my last pregnancy i remember during my first trimester all i wanted was cereal and wasnt all that hungry... and now that i am only having ONE baby, Im eating everything in sight!! I have been on a HUGE fruit kick... so at least its healthy cravings! I havent gotten sick or nauseous, not even once, so knock on wood it stays that way! I have been really tired lately. But am hoping Ill start to get my energy back up in a few weeks.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
July 21, 2010
July 21, 2010
Last Thursday, 7/15/10, We had our second appointment with Dr Prieto. We were really looking forward to this appointment, but didnt want to get our hopes up in case things were still too soon, and in case they were still not able to determine how many we were having. Well, the sonographer started her exam and heres what we saw... from my view, I saw nothing, it scared me to death... and from Billys view, he saw two sacks! So we both saw two different things and both were freaking out... but turns out the sonographer hadnt zoomed in on our baby yet... The moment we saw that ONE little heart beat, beating 131 bpm, that looked like a lil speck of rice the tears started flowing! Finally, we can rest at ease and know that we are only having one child this time and Taylor and Riley will soon be big sisters!
Its been a crazy road for us. And still it has been extremely hard. Its been almost 6 months and not a second goes by without our Taylor and Riley in our minds. I am still sleeping with their toys every night. Its amazing, our dogs sleep with us and never once have they tried to touch the girls' toys. Its like they know...
Our families are growing more and more each year, and this year God will have blessed us with our two beautiful babies, along with 3 cousins for Taylor and Riley... all boys!! Both my sister and sister in law are due in the fall. I am still unable to look at my nephews ultrasound pictures... I guess that is just something that has stuck with me. I am able to see my beautiful 3rd child's ultrasound though!! Every time I step in to that seat for an ultrasound, well its only been 2 times so far, my first thought is of my girls and then of course baby 3!
Family has asked if we are wanting a boy or girl... and of course... we dont care!! we just want this baby to stay in my tummy for at least 37 weeks!!!
If it is a boy, we will name him Charles William Young III and nickname him 3! Billy is the 2nd... so of course our first son will be named after his father and grandfather! The nickname is cute and would stand for two meanings, one would be the most obvious... he will be the 3rd CWY but the other meaning would be bc he would our 3rd child.
If God gives us the gift of another beautiful baby girl, we are still up in the air on a name. I was thinking Grace Anne, after her sisters, but of course... we have plenty of time to think about names!!
Billy and I will go back to the doctor on August 12th and that is when we will have all of the testing done for the baby. At that appointment we will also discuss a date for my cerclage surgery. Dr P has advised us that I will have to have a cerclage with everyone of my following pregnancies. My cerclage will prob be around the 23rd of August. I am extremely nervous, but know that it will be well worth it in the end.
I am a lil knowledgeable on what will take place for the surgery, and i think that is what has me the most nervous. I will be in the operating room, more than likely the same one as I was in for Riley. They will have to tie my legs up, just as they did with Riley, and of course the usual sanitary things... I know I will more than likely experience the "flash backs" of that day... but know that now I have the strength of my two angels watching me from up above and no matter how scared I will be, it will be well worth it in the end. The procedure will take 15-20 minutes... so hopefully everything goes as planned and I will be in and out of there! My AMAZING doctor will be the one putting in the stitch and will make sure he does it tight!!
At 37 weeks is when my doctor will remove the stitch and anytime after that I will go in to labor. Billy and I are praying the stitch holds and we will have our lil bundle of joy in our arms by late Feb - 1st week of March!
As of now, our doctor is exrtremely optimistic and being that i am pregnant with one baby this time makes things a lot more easier... so far, he does not want to put me on bed rest right away, and he will monitor me extremely closely the rest of my pregnancy!
Prayers, Prayers, Prayers!!
Last Thursday, 7/15/10, We had our second appointment with Dr Prieto. We were really looking forward to this appointment, but didnt want to get our hopes up in case things were still too soon, and in case they were still not able to determine how many we were having. Well, the sonographer started her exam and heres what we saw... from my view, I saw nothing, it scared me to death... and from Billys view, he saw two sacks! So we both saw two different things and both were freaking out... but turns out the sonographer hadnt zoomed in on our baby yet... The moment we saw that ONE little heart beat, beating 131 bpm, that looked like a lil speck of rice the tears started flowing! Finally, we can rest at ease and know that we are only having one child this time and Taylor and Riley will soon be big sisters!
Its been a crazy road for us. And still it has been extremely hard. Its been almost 6 months and not a second goes by without our Taylor and Riley in our minds. I am still sleeping with their toys every night. Its amazing, our dogs sleep with us and never once have they tried to touch the girls' toys. Its like they know...
Our families are growing more and more each year, and this year God will have blessed us with our two beautiful babies, along with 3 cousins for Taylor and Riley... all boys!! Both my sister and sister in law are due in the fall. I am still unable to look at my nephews ultrasound pictures... I guess that is just something that has stuck with me. I am able to see my beautiful 3rd child's ultrasound though!! Every time I step in to that seat for an ultrasound, well its only been 2 times so far, my first thought is of my girls and then of course baby 3!
Family has asked if we are wanting a boy or girl... and of course... we dont care!! we just want this baby to stay in my tummy for at least 37 weeks!!!
If it is a boy, we will name him Charles William Young III and nickname him 3! Billy is the 2nd... so of course our first son will be named after his father and grandfather! The nickname is cute and would stand for two meanings, one would be the most obvious... he will be the 3rd CWY but the other meaning would be bc he would our 3rd child.
If God gives us the gift of another beautiful baby girl, we are still up in the air on a name. I was thinking Grace Anne, after her sisters, but of course... we have plenty of time to think about names!!
Billy and I will go back to the doctor on August 12th and that is when we will have all of the testing done for the baby. At that appointment we will also discuss a date for my cerclage surgery. Dr P has advised us that I will have to have a cerclage with everyone of my following pregnancies. My cerclage will prob be around the 23rd of August. I am extremely nervous, but know that it will be well worth it in the end.
I am a lil knowledgeable on what will take place for the surgery, and i think that is what has me the most nervous. I will be in the operating room, more than likely the same one as I was in for Riley. They will have to tie my legs up, just as they did with Riley, and of course the usual sanitary things... I know I will more than likely experience the "flash backs" of that day... but know that now I have the strength of my two angels watching me from up above and no matter how scared I will be, it will be well worth it in the end. The procedure will take 15-20 minutes... so hopefully everything goes as planned and I will be in and out of there! My AMAZING doctor will be the one putting in the stitch and will make sure he does it tight!!
At 37 weeks is when my doctor will remove the stitch and anytime after that I will go in to labor. Billy and I are praying the stitch holds and we will have our lil bundle of joy in our arms by late Feb - 1st week of March!
As of now, our doctor is exrtremely optimistic and being that i am pregnant with one baby this time makes things a lot more easier... so far, he does not want to put me on bed rest right away, and he will monitor me extremely closely the rest of my pregnancy!
Prayers, Prayers, Prayers!!
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