Seriously… Seriously? My husband and I got a bill in the mail today from BCBS. It is a bill for Taylor and Riley. Ive gotten plenty of stuff for my care, but never thought I would get any for them, because nothing was done to them. There was no time in the NICU, nothing. I barely got 2 hours with them… and yet I am being sent a bill?
This is what was going through my head this morning…
I called BCBS today and they said to call my HR department and add the girls to my policy for that one day. That just sounds absurd to me…Like I should have thought about adding my girls for one day, when nothing was even done to them… no tests, no trach, nothing…
I called my HR dept and they told me I had 60 days to add the girls to my policy and that time has elapsed…but they were going to look in to this further given the circumstances; seriously? I just got a freaking bill for this, how was I to know that I would need to add them. No one said anything to me about that. From my constant calls to BCBS they told me all maternity care was covered, now 3 months later I get a bill for Taylor and Riley and there is nothing I can do about it bc 60 days has gone by? Like I was supposed to know I would go in to labor early and needed to add them right away. Seriously people, like I don’t have it hard enough having to live day by day knowing that my daughters were born too early and that my husband and I had to bury them. Now all you can say is “oh well, your out of your period for adding to your policy.” We never thought we would have to add them, because they passed away… is it our fault the bill came 3 months later. It’s like they do this on purpose to avoid having to pay a bill. Ugh! If I had to take my girls to a follow up appt at the doctor, of course I would have added them to my plan, but this… this was VERY UNEXPECTED. I wish that there was some sort of counselor that walks you through this process on “what to expect” or even someone that takes care of these things for moms that have to go through what I have gone through… someone to call the insurance company for you, so you don’t have to add any more stress to this situation, someone that will cancel all of your subscriptions and mailings, someone that can contact your registry and cancel it… someone to do this Horribly hard things that I am still not able to do. You think I want to walk in to Babies R Us and say hey, I need to cancel my registry? Or pull up there page and do it, or call… I don’t want any part of that… it just hurts too much. There is so much more that goes in to the pain than just losing your child or children… it’s like these are constant reminders of what’s no longer there. I mean I cant even walk in a baby section at the store, let alone call and cancel my registry!
As you can tell… I am not having a good day. Let alone month!
Every time I check the mail I get all of these baby coupons and Happy Mother’s Day stuff… and wow, first time mom… that’s like a slap in the face! I just want to scream, yell whatever!
After the girls’ passed away Billy went in to my e-mail and took me off the subscribers list to all of the baby stuff I had subscribed too… but you think that has stopped the e-mails from coming or the mail from pouring in? I wish I could post something on my mailbox that said, “STOP sending me mail in regards to babies, my daughters have passed away.”
Just writing that hurts so bad… “My daughters have passed away…” Seriously? That hurts. It’s pain you could never understand. Pain I wouldn’t want you to understand.
Lately I have been so angry. I get annoyed so easily and just go off. Unfortunately, my husband is the one who has to bear it. Any little thing sets me off… I guess they were right when they said your emotions will be like a roller coaster. I wish there was a way to just burst this pressure that lingers inside my chest. I feel that it just keeps getting tighter and tighter ready to just be released… but how do I release it?
Deep breaths, take deep breaths is what I keep telling myself. And actually it does help a little bit.
Good news Now!- My HR department is AWESOME and has decided that under my circumstances they are still going to allow me to put the girls on my plan, so their medical bills (still seems crazy to me that they have medical bills…) will be covered. Thank Goodness! I just have a few forms to fill out and we will be good to go, well hopefully we will be good to go… keep your fingers crossed!
“May 1 - May 7 is "RECOGNIZING A MOTHER'S STRENGTH AFTER LOSING A CHILD" WEEK. Losing a child is the hardest thing a Mother will ever have to go through in her life.”
"The tiny footprints left behind on your heart bespeak your name as Mother."
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
my niece, Anna
Lately my niece keeps talking about my girls. My niece, Anna, is only 4 years old. It all started last week when we were hanging out at Billy’s parents house and she was playing on the computer. My MIL has a picture of Taylor and Riley saved on her desktop and some how Anna found it and pulled it up. She came walking over and said, “Aunt Ashley a picture of your babies is on the computer.” I asked her if she wanted me to come and take it off for her so she can keep playing and her response was, “No Thank you! But do you want to come see your babies?” Of course I walked over to the computer and looked at the picture with her. I asked her if she knew who was who… Might I add, I have TONS of pictures of the girls around my house, but when my nieces come over, I have always taken them down. I guess Billy and I do that bc we don’t think they will understand what really happened. Well, as I sat down with her, looking at a beautiful picture of Taylor and Riley, I asked her if she knew who was who. Without reminding her of their names, she pointed at Taylor and said, “That’s Taylor.” And then she pointed at Riley and said, “That’s Riley.” Oh man did that touch my heart. I am not sure if any one had explained to her who was who, but I know I haven’t, and even if someone had, it wouldn’t have been a repetitive thing. She knew and remembered who her cousins were. I almost started crying right then. I never knew she even knew what they looked like, let alone could identify them!
On Sunday Anna came over to my house before we went to the pool. She once again started talking about Taylor and Riley. She said to me, “Aunt Ashley I miss your babies.” And I told her that I did too… then she said, “Yeah, but they’re in heaven now and I sent a balloon up to them.” And then later on she said, “But Aunt Ashley you are having one more baby right?” I told her that we plan on having a lot more babies and she said, “Yeah, you will have lots and lots of babies.”
She is too cute. Even now just thinking back at the things she said makes me tear up. She is only 4 and it’s like she knows that I miss them and am hurting, and every time she mentions them, it’s like a reminder to me that everything will be ok, and that she is thinking of them too.
This was also not the first time she has mentioned me having more children. I remember a few weeks after the girls birth, Anna came up to me and said, “Aunt Ashley, do you have another baby in there?”
The things kids say are so amazing, and so cute. Anna’s mom, Michelle, is pregnant with a baby boy, so I think me being pregnant for so long, and now her mom being pregnant makes her constantly have babies on her mind. But I know she is thinking of her cousins, and she is just so sweet when she tells me how beautiful Taylor and Riley were.
This month has been really hard already, and its on the first week of May!! I was supposed to deliver Riley and Taylor this month. Its amazing how time flies, it seems like only yesterday when this tragedy entered my life.
May 1st, Saturday, I went to a friend of ours wedding. It was a gorgeous wedding, and it was nice to see all of our college friends again that we haven’t seen in a while. It was a little weird for me being there. I was supposed to be VERY pregnant at this wedding. It was also a little hard bc it was the first time I had been out with that group of friends in a long time. I went out for my birthday, but it was only with my closest girl friends, so this was a big step for me.
I did ok, but couldn’t help myself from talking about the girls. And of course people asked how I was doing. I didn’t cry until the father daughter dance came on… they played the same song I played for my dad and I at our wedding, “I loved her first.” I kept thinking of my daughters and Billy and how he is never going to get that dance with Riley and Taylor, he will never get the chance to walk his 2 daughters down the aisle. The verses that really got me were,
“But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep…”
How true is that? The love of a father AND a mother runs so deep. It is an unconditional love that will NEVER go away. As I sat there, trying to fight back the tears, I just couldn’t hold them in any longer. I cried so hard. Billy just held me and I tried not to let anyone see me… even though I was sitting at a table with a group of friends, and their dates I didn’t know! After the song was over I casually walked out to go to the restroom. I told Billy to stay there, so it wouldn’t make a scene, but of course as soon as I walked out the door, I heard footsteps running up behind me! My husband is so caring, nurturing and PERFECT! He came and explained to me that he was feeling the same thing, and it upsets him just thinking how he will never be able to do that with the girls, but he was trying to hold in his feelings. Unlike me, that totally lost it!! I told him there would be no more crying, and I enjoyed the rest of my night! Billy’s best friend, Joel, brought a date, Barbara. Her boyfriend passed away a year ago and she said she could totally see where I was coming from. She said when he passed away, she would just walk up to people and say, “My boyfriend died.” – That’s exactly what I want to do at times. I feel like no matter where I go, I want to let people know what happened to me and my daughters’. But do you realize how uncomfortable people get. I went to get my hair cut the other day and some how the topic of my girls came up. The hair dresser was so talkative up until that point. Then after it was said, she stopped talking. Believe it or not that’s a reaction I get a lot. I don’t understand why people get like that. I was talking to you before, now all of a sudden you know my daughters died so you feel like you can’t talk to me anymore? I understand people get nervous maybe, or a little uncomfortable, but honestly how do they think I feel when they do that? I am already mourning the loss of my daughters, and now you just want to shut me out and not speak to me? I just find it weird the way some people react.
I am hoping this month will fly by… given the circumstances. I cant help but think about the joy that was supposed to arrive this month. Instead our joys arrived in January and will forever be in our hearts. I miss them so much. I can keep saying it and saying it… and the pain hasn’t gone away and doesn’t go away. Maybe one day?
On Sunday Anna came over to my house before we went to the pool. She once again started talking about Taylor and Riley. She said to me, “Aunt Ashley I miss your babies.” And I told her that I did too… then she said, “Yeah, but they’re in heaven now and I sent a balloon up to them.” And then later on she said, “But Aunt Ashley you are having one more baby right?” I told her that we plan on having a lot more babies and she said, “Yeah, you will have lots and lots of babies.”
She is too cute. Even now just thinking back at the things she said makes me tear up. She is only 4 and it’s like she knows that I miss them and am hurting, and every time she mentions them, it’s like a reminder to me that everything will be ok, and that she is thinking of them too.
This was also not the first time she has mentioned me having more children. I remember a few weeks after the girls birth, Anna came up to me and said, “Aunt Ashley, do you have another baby in there?”
The things kids say are so amazing, and so cute. Anna’s mom, Michelle, is pregnant with a baby boy, so I think me being pregnant for so long, and now her mom being pregnant makes her constantly have babies on her mind. But I know she is thinking of her cousins, and she is just so sweet when she tells me how beautiful Taylor and Riley were.
This month has been really hard already, and its on the first week of May!! I was supposed to deliver Riley and Taylor this month. Its amazing how time flies, it seems like only yesterday when this tragedy entered my life.
May 1st, Saturday, I went to a friend of ours wedding. It was a gorgeous wedding, and it was nice to see all of our college friends again that we haven’t seen in a while. It was a little weird for me being there. I was supposed to be VERY pregnant at this wedding. It was also a little hard bc it was the first time I had been out with that group of friends in a long time. I went out for my birthday, but it was only with my closest girl friends, so this was a big step for me.
I did ok, but couldn’t help myself from talking about the girls. And of course people asked how I was doing. I didn’t cry until the father daughter dance came on… they played the same song I played for my dad and I at our wedding, “I loved her first.” I kept thinking of my daughters and Billy and how he is never going to get that dance with Riley and Taylor, he will never get the chance to walk his 2 daughters down the aisle. The verses that really got me were,
“But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep…”
How true is that? The love of a father AND a mother runs so deep. It is an unconditional love that will NEVER go away. As I sat there, trying to fight back the tears, I just couldn’t hold them in any longer. I cried so hard. Billy just held me and I tried not to let anyone see me… even though I was sitting at a table with a group of friends, and their dates I didn’t know! After the song was over I casually walked out to go to the restroom. I told Billy to stay there, so it wouldn’t make a scene, but of course as soon as I walked out the door, I heard footsteps running up behind me! My husband is so caring, nurturing and PERFECT! He came and explained to me that he was feeling the same thing, and it upsets him just thinking how he will never be able to do that with the girls, but he was trying to hold in his feelings. Unlike me, that totally lost it!! I told him there would be no more crying, and I enjoyed the rest of my night! Billy’s best friend, Joel, brought a date, Barbara. Her boyfriend passed away a year ago and she said she could totally see where I was coming from. She said when he passed away, she would just walk up to people and say, “My boyfriend died.” – That’s exactly what I want to do at times. I feel like no matter where I go, I want to let people know what happened to me and my daughters’. But do you realize how uncomfortable people get. I went to get my hair cut the other day and some how the topic of my girls came up. The hair dresser was so talkative up until that point. Then after it was said, she stopped talking. Believe it or not that’s a reaction I get a lot. I don’t understand why people get like that. I was talking to you before, now all of a sudden you know my daughters died so you feel like you can’t talk to me anymore? I understand people get nervous maybe, or a little uncomfortable, but honestly how do they think I feel when they do that? I am already mourning the loss of my daughters, and now you just want to shut me out and not speak to me? I just find it weird the way some people react.
I am hoping this month will fly by… given the circumstances. I cant help but think about the joy that was supposed to arrive this month. Instead our joys arrived in January and will forever be in our hearts. I miss them so much. I can keep saying it and saying it… and the pain hasn’t gone away and doesn’t go away. Maybe one day?
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Previous Blog Continued...
Each little cupcake had either the girls’ name on it or initial, or something reflecting them. They were definitely a hit at the BBQ!
Saturday morning we all woke up early for the walk. It was a beautiful day out! Our team raised $11,850 for the March of Dimes in memory of my Taylor and Riley. It was the most money any family team has raised in their 25 year history!! We were very proud about that and know that it was all contributed due to the love everyone has for my daughters!
Our team looked so good coming out in their pink and green!! Billy and I had a ton of support. All of our family and friends took the time to come walk for all babies that are born premature and most importantly, for my babies.
Our team took home 3 awards! Family Rookie of the Year, best t-shirt, and Top Family Team.
Saturday was hard to do, especially so soon, but we got through it. It was amazing how many other families were out there walking in their child’s memory. I also looked around at all of the kids there, some of them being premature. It was like you could tell which ones were, and I just felt so bad for them and their family. Some families had to spend months in the NICU and the outcome turned out for the worst. I couldn’t imagine suffering like that and even more I couldn’t imagine seeing my girls suffer like that.
Sunday Billy and I spent the day with his family. His aunt and cousin drove down from VA to walk for the girls. It was nice having them there and hanging out.
Monday morning my phone rang at 6am. It was my MIL calling very upset, she was taking my SIL to the hospital bc she was bleeding and having slight contractions. Michelle is only 18 weeks pregnant. Billy and I jumped out of bed immediately and had to relive our day all over again. Thank GOD the outcome was different. Michelle and the baby will be fine. The dr put her on some meds to slow her contractions and to calm everything down. The first shirt I grabbed was the pink shirt I had made for the girls. I thought about it, and thought maybe that wasn’t such a good idea to wear that. The first shirt my husband grabbed was the same shirt he wore the day I had the girls. Of course, he put it back and got a different shirt.
Walking in to that hospital was very hard, and very scary. Sitting and waiting was the worst. Thank goodness we did not spend all day there, and thank God my unborn nephew is ok.
Friday marked 3 months. Its amazing how time flies. It feels to me that it was just yesterday all of this happened. I got my medical records and reading them was very hard for me. This whole time I thought that the dr was able to get me 0+ blood for my transfusions, but after reading the report, they couldn’t get it in time, so they had to give me trauma blood for my first 2 transfusions… I am thankful my body accepted it. Reading these things makes it more real what actually went down that day… makes it hard to accept.
My new friend, Heather called me Friday morning just to tell me she was thinking of me. She came to the walk to support my babies, and hers. She had a daughter, Abby, in November. Abby was not premature like my girls, everything was fine and she went to the dr waiting for the few days her little Abby would enter this world, and there was no heart beat. Poor Heather, poor Abby. I am happy I met her. Its nice to talk to other moms and especially a mom that has lost her child a few months before I lost my girls. No one knows what we are going through unless they have walked in our shoes.
Saturday morning we all woke up early for the walk. It was a beautiful day out! Our team raised $11,850 for the March of Dimes in memory of my Taylor and Riley. It was the most money any family team has raised in their 25 year history!! We were very proud about that and know that it was all contributed due to the love everyone has for my daughters!
Our team looked so good coming out in their pink and green!! Billy and I had a ton of support. All of our family and friends took the time to come walk for all babies that are born premature and most importantly, for my babies.
Our team took home 3 awards! Family Rookie of the Year, best t-shirt, and Top Family Team.
Saturday was hard to do, especially so soon, but we got through it. It was amazing how many other families were out there walking in their child’s memory. I also looked around at all of the kids there, some of them being premature. It was like you could tell which ones were, and I just felt so bad for them and their family. Some families had to spend months in the NICU and the outcome turned out for the worst. I couldn’t imagine suffering like that and even more I couldn’t imagine seeing my girls suffer like that.
Sunday Billy and I spent the day with his family. His aunt and cousin drove down from VA to walk for the girls. It was nice having them there and hanging out.
Monday morning my phone rang at 6am. It was my MIL calling very upset, she was taking my SIL to the hospital bc she was bleeding and having slight contractions. Michelle is only 18 weeks pregnant. Billy and I jumped out of bed immediately and had to relive our day all over again. Thank GOD the outcome was different. Michelle and the baby will be fine. The dr put her on some meds to slow her contractions and to calm everything down. The first shirt I grabbed was the pink shirt I had made for the girls. I thought about it, and thought maybe that wasn’t such a good idea to wear that. The first shirt my husband grabbed was the same shirt he wore the day I had the girls. Of course, he put it back and got a different shirt.
Walking in to that hospital was very hard, and very scary. Sitting and waiting was the worst. Thank goodness we did not spend all day there, and thank God my unborn nephew is ok.
Friday marked 3 months. Its amazing how time flies. It feels to me that it was just yesterday all of this happened. I got my medical records and reading them was very hard for me. This whole time I thought that the dr was able to get me 0+ blood for my transfusions, but after reading the report, they couldn’t get it in time, so they had to give me trauma blood for my first 2 transfusions… I am thankful my body accepted it. Reading these things makes it more real what actually went down that day… makes it hard to accept.
My new friend, Heather called me Friday morning just to tell me she was thinking of me. She came to the walk to support my babies, and hers. She had a daughter, Abby, in November. Abby was not premature like my girls, everything was fine and she went to the dr waiting for the few days her little Abby would enter this world, and there was no heart beat. Poor Heather, poor Abby. I am happy I met her. Its nice to talk to other moms and especially a mom that has lost her child a few months before I lost my girls. No one knows what we are going through unless they have walked in our shoes.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The past few days...
Thursday was seriously one of the worst nights I had since my girls past away. I have been under a lot of stress, worry, anxiety, etc and Thursday it all hit me so hard. I felt like a huge truck was just sitting on my chest and would not get off. I couldnt breathe, couldnt relax, tried everything and i just couldnt get a breathe. It was almost to the point where i thought i was gonna have to make a trip to the ER.
I went and saw my counselor and was able to get most of my anxiety out... i drove through Starbucks on the way to my appointment, and the lady that handed me my drink could tell i was having a rough day, and she was so sincere and nice. After counseling i thought the day would be better, like it usually is after counseling, but man was i wrong!
That night I went to dinner with my girl friend, Aelon, and was hysterical. I was crying and couldnt stop... i have tried so hard not to break down in public. and there it went, i am sure people were staring wondering what was going on. It felt good, at that point i kind of didnt care what people were thinking.
I came home and had a complete break down. Thank God Billy was home. He was able to calm me a little.
On Friday, i woke up and really was not feeling well. My chest hurt so bad. Its horrible missing someone, and in my case 2 someones, and not being able to see them, talk to them, etc...
I miss my daughters SO much, and that is an understatment... I just cant find the right words to totally grasp how much i miss them.
Friday night I baked cupcakes for our little get together on Staurday. My friend Melissa and my sister came over to help. It was weird, at one point I wanted to do everything, These were for my girls, for the people that were coming over after the MOD walk in memory of taylor and riley. I felt like this was something that i would be doing for them while they were alive, and i just wanted to do it al by myself. I didnt want help decorating, but then i realized i was prob being silly and it didnt matter if I had help decorating them... They were so cute... and yummy!
Im getting a little tired, this weekend wore me out... Ill finish the blog tomorrow!
I went and saw my counselor and was able to get most of my anxiety out... i drove through Starbucks on the way to my appointment, and the lady that handed me my drink could tell i was having a rough day, and she was so sincere and nice. After counseling i thought the day would be better, like it usually is after counseling, but man was i wrong!
That night I went to dinner with my girl friend, Aelon, and was hysterical. I was crying and couldnt stop... i have tried so hard not to break down in public. and there it went, i am sure people were staring wondering what was going on. It felt good, at that point i kind of didnt care what people were thinking.
I came home and had a complete break down. Thank God Billy was home. He was able to calm me a little.
On Friday, i woke up and really was not feeling well. My chest hurt so bad. Its horrible missing someone, and in my case 2 someones, and not being able to see them, talk to them, etc...
I miss my daughters SO much, and that is an understatment... I just cant find the right words to totally grasp how much i miss them.
Friday night I baked cupcakes for our little get together on Staurday. My friend Melissa and my sister came over to help. It was weird, at one point I wanted to do everything, These were for my girls, for the people that were coming over after the MOD walk in memory of taylor and riley. I felt like this was something that i would be doing for them while they were alive, and i just wanted to do it al by myself. I didnt want help decorating, but then i realized i was prob being silly and it didnt matter if I had help decorating them... They were so cute... and yummy!
Im getting a little tired, this weekend wore me out... Ill finish the blog tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
When Hello Means Goodbye -April 21, 2010
“When your parent dies
You’ve lost your past,
When your child dies
You’ve lost your future…”
Recently I found a book that the hospital gave me, but I had left it in a folder from the hospital, which I didn’t re-open until now. This book was titled, “When Hello Means Goodbye.”
I have started reading it, its only 52 pages, but it’s hard to get through at times. The book describes how most parents feel after their child passes. I have related to this SOO much! Some physical symptoms it mentions are: physical exhaustion, heaviness in your chest, a need to take a deep breath, appetite loss, nightmares, and most importantly aching arms. Oh man, have I experience all of the above! My appetite loss has pretty much gone away, but everything else is still there. I think what’s worse are the “aching arms”. I miss my daughters, I miss not being able to hold them and have them here with me.
I think about the title of the book… “When hello means goodbye” How true, how sad. Why did our hello have to mean goodbye. Think about those words for a minute. I remember seeing them and knowing that was it. I was so happy to have been able to say hello, and I love you to my babies, but why did I have to say goodbye? Just thinking about those words makes me tear up.
Another thing in the book was “emotions”. I have noticed lately that I have in a way distanced myself from my everyday life. I used to love going out with friends, I loved being the center of attention (as selfish as that sounds!), I loved going to events, and parties, etc. Now, its hard to go places, especially without my husband. Now, I have noticed myself trying to blend in to the “backdrop”. The book states, “ You may feel invisible to others, especially in large crowds. Because others cannot see the pain that is encompassing you, you will imagine that they cannot see you.” I have noticed that, but I have also noticed that I try not to be seen. I never know when I something is going to hit me like a brick, and I am just going to breakdown. I can be anywhere.
Monday I went to the pharmacy to pick up Diamonds meds and the pharmacist noticed I wasn’t pregnant anymore and asked what I had. Ugh!! You know what that felt like? I was happy that she noticed that I was even pregnant to begin with, and took the time to care and ask about my daughters, but at the same time it hurt having to tell her what happened. It hurts every time I tell the story, but then again, I love being asked bc that means people are still thinking of my Taylor and Riley. All the pharmacist kept saying was, “Im so sorry, Im so sorry.” Then a few minutes later I went to the register at Publix and the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the March of Dimes. I told her that it was a great cause, and that my husband and I have started a team that has raised over $6K in memory of my daughters that were pre-term. At one point I wanted to turn and ask her, “I know you are told to ask if the customer wants to donate, but do you even know what this cause supports?” That would have been so rude of me!! But I was able to hold back from saying that!
Further more the book mentioned what I have said over and over again since this happened… it mentioned that everyone grieves differently and my grief will not lessen just because the grief of another person is perceived to be greater. Like I used to think… would it be worse to lose the girls now, or lose them when they were older? And there is no answer, some may think itd be harder as a parent to lose their child later on in life because they “knew them” and had memories and what not. But I see it differently. That parents grief is neither stronger or lesser than mine. We both are grieving and we both have a right to feel the way we feel. And regardless of what people say, I knew my daughters. I knew they didn’t like Chik-Fil-A or meat (especially Chicken!), I knew they loved cereal, I knew their kicks and I saw their smiles through ultrasounds, and their personalities. I knew my daughters. Yes, I never knew their eye color, or what their voice sounded like, but I knew them. The book also mentioned another thing that I have said over and over… that some people might say to you, “ You are young. You can always have another baby.” UGH!!!! And I actually wrote “UGH!” in the book next to that line! No future child/children of ours will ever replace Taylor and Riley. I may indeed give birth to another child, but this will be ANOTHER child, not a substitute for Taylor and Riley. I wish people would realize that! I have spoken to other moms whose child has passed away, and they cringe when someone tells them that too!
A beautiful poem by Pat Scwiebert… “Please Don’t Tell Them You Never Got To Know Me”
“It is I whose kicks you will always remember,
I who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy,
I who couldn’t seem to tell time and got your days and nights mixed up.
It is I who acknowledged your craving for peach ice cream by
Knocking the cold bowl off your belly.
I who went shopping and helped you pick out the “perfect” teddy bear for me,
I who liked to be cradled in your belly and rocked off to dreamy slumber by the fire,
It is I who never had a doubt about your love,
It is I who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant.”
How more perfect can that poem be? I loved it!
You know people say you truly find out who your friends are in a time of need. OH MAN have we!!! I find it funny, bc the song “Find out who your friends are” was the song behind the slideshow we gave to our wedding party. That’s how we asked them to be in our wedding, through that slideshow, with that PERFECT song! You know the people who we have expected to be there for us, most of them are, but then there are a few that haven’t even called!!! Can you believe that? No e-mail, no text, no card, no call, NOTHING! I know Facebook is horrible, but I every now and then will look at their FB page and see their updates about this party, and that party, and how much fun they had at this event and that… I just want to call them up and tell them off. How can you be so important in our lives, yet at the time we need you there the most, you aren’t there? There are also the friends that called at the beginning, almost 3 months ago, and haven’t called since, not even to see how we are doing. Last I checked, Billy and I have been there for all of you when you needed something, whether it was something big or small, we were still there. At first we thought, well… maybe they just don’t know what to say. Or maybe they are nervous, etc. But honestly, you were our closest friends, and at this time you cant even pick up the phone? I would so like to just call everyone of you out… but then that would be wrong. My best friend, Melissa, knew I wouldn’t answer her calls, and knows that I still wont depending on the day I am having, yet I know she is there if I need her. She has sent me so many cards, just because. Other friends of mine know talking isn’t really the way to go, so they’ll send me a text, or an e-mail just to say hi and to let them know if I need anything… so for us to still use the excuse, “Maybe they are nervous, or don’t know what to say…” that’s just not right. What’s a text hurt? What does that take a whole 5 seconds out of your day? I guess Billy and I are a little disappointed and a little caught off guard.
I also think some people just don’t know how to feel. They have never lost a child. Cant understand the emptiness Billy and I feel. We didn’t just lose one child, we had 2 pass away. Two children on the same day. We had to burry our two daughters. This is the worst thing and the worst pain I have ever felt.
“You couldn’t live apart from me.
What will I do apart from you?”
To keep going on what I read in the book, it also mentioned that your body doesn’t know that your baby died. This is so true. I had every bit of what happens after you give birth. I wished that my body understood what I was going through and wouldn’t put me in any more pain. No to be gross, but why did I have to produce milk? My girls were no longer here to have it. I remember the pain that went a long with it. Every day I would get upset just thinking about who it was meant for. Also after the birth I remember still feeling the “babies kicking”. It almost wasn’t real to me. The book describes that most women feel this after pregnancy because they are so used to it… But why did I have to relive what just happened. And in reality my girls were supposed to still be in there kicking playfully.
“ I don’t want to be happy
…Not just now.
I have a reason to be sad.
I earned it.
You see,
My life as I knew it
Has ended.”
I still cry, I think I have every right to. I have done better about talking about it, but I don’t think I will ever be back to my old self. I have this fake smile on my face constantly. I realize that I cannot change the past. I know that as long as I put my fate in the hands of God, he will guide me. I have seen that every day is getting a little easier. I still have days when I am a complete mess, but that mess is easier to handle! I love that people ask about what happened that day, I love that they are still thinking about Taylor and Riley and us. I love that they care enough about us to ask.
My grandmother sent me a beautiful card this week. We used to write back and forth to one another fairly often. But since the girls passed away I haven’t found too much motivation to really do anything. She wrote about how she is praying for Billy and I and that she often thinks of us and Taylor and Riley. She said that she missed my letters, but she understands the time I need to heal. It touched my heart, just as all of her sweet letters do, but for some reason this one had me completely balling! My grandmother and I have a language barrier, but we still have found ways to communicate.
My husband has been away on business this week, and came back TONIGHT! Every trip he goes on gets a little easier. I mainly try to stay busy! This week I was able to clean, clean, clean! WEll i walked in the door from work to a delicious smell... I aksed what he was cooking, and he said, "The first dinner I ever made for you!" -- it was so sweet and so delicious!! It was his yummy pasta, chicken, salad, breadsick, and wine!! He is so perfect, and after a year and a half of marriage he still does the little things and is always thinking of me!
Also, our shirts for the walk FINALLY got here! They are very cute. Only thing is the print shop had to do some editing to the colors we had originally given to them, and the girls on the shirts turned out YELLOW!!! Other than that they are cute!! The walk is Saturday and we have raised $6,905!!! Our original goal was $5K… so we have raised almost $2K more than what we originally hoped for!! That doesn’t even include the amount my aunts raised for the walk in Orlando in memory of my girls!! We are extremely excited to have raised that much in 2 months!!! Just think about how much we can raise next year when we have a lot more time to campaign!! I know my girls are looking down on us and are very proud!!
I called the MOD coordinator to find out info on the walk, and she asked are you with Team Taylor and Riley and I said yes, and she said, "You guys are awesome!" I guess she was shocked on how much we have raised!!
Thanks for all of the support, thanks for taking the time to read my blog, thanks for keeping us in your prayers, and thanks most of all for remembering my Taylor Anne and my Riley Grace.
You’ve lost your past,
When your child dies
You’ve lost your future…”
Recently I found a book that the hospital gave me, but I had left it in a folder from the hospital, which I didn’t re-open until now. This book was titled, “When Hello Means Goodbye.”
I have started reading it, its only 52 pages, but it’s hard to get through at times. The book describes how most parents feel after their child passes. I have related to this SOO much! Some physical symptoms it mentions are: physical exhaustion, heaviness in your chest, a need to take a deep breath, appetite loss, nightmares, and most importantly aching arms. Oh man, have I experience all of the above! My appetite loss has pretty much gone away, but everything else is still there. I think what’s worse are the “aching arms”. I miss my daughters, I miss not being able to hold them and have them here with me.
I think about the title of the book… “When hello means goodbye” How true, how sad. Why did our hello have to mean goodbye. Think about those words for a minute. I remember seeing them and knowing that was it. I was so happy to have been able to say hello, and I love you to my babies, but why did I have to say goodbye? Just thinking about those words makes me tear up.
Another thing in the book was “emotions”. I have noticed lately that I have in a way distanced myself from my everyday life. I used to love going out with friends, I loved being the center of attention (as selfish as that sounds!), I loved going to events, and parties, etc. Now, its hard to go places, especially without my husband. Now, I have noticed myself trying to blend in to the “backdrop”. The book states, “ You may feel invisible to others, especially in large crowds. Because others cannot see the pain that is encompassing you, you will imagine that they cannot see you.” I have noticed that, but I have also noticed that I try not to be seen. I never know when I something is going to hit me like a brick, and I am just going to breakdown. I can be anywhere.
Monday I went to the pharmacy to pick up Diamonds meds and the pharmacist noticed I wasn’t pregnant anymore and asked what I had. Ugh!! You know what that felt like? I was happy that she noticed that I was even pregnant to begin with, and took the time to care and ask about my daughters, but at the same time it hurt having to tell her what happened. It hurts every time I tell the story, but then again, I love being asked bc that means people are still thinking of my Taylor and Riley. All the pharmacist kept saying was, “Im so sorry, Im so sorry.” Then a few minutes later I went to the register at Publix and the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the March of Dimes. I told her that it was a great cause, and that my husband and I have started a team that has raised over $6K in memory of my daughters that were pre-term. At one point I wanted to turn and ask her, “I know you are told to ask if the customer wants to donate, but do you even know what this cause supports?” That would have been so rude of me!! But I was able to hold back from saying that!
Further more the book mentioned what I have said over and over again since this happened… it mentioned that everyone grieves differently and my grief will not lessen just because the grief of another person is perceived to be greater. Like I used to think… would it be worse to lose the girls now, or lose them when they were older? And there is no answer, some may think itd be harder as a parent to lose their child later on in life because they “knew them” and had memories and what not. But I see it differently. That parents grief is neither stronger or lesser than mine. We both are grieving and we both have a right to feel the way we feel. And regardless of what people say, I knew my daughters. I knew they didn’t like Chik-Fil-A or meat (especially Chicken!), I knew they loved cereal, I knew their kicks and I saw their smiles through ultrasounds, and their personalities. I knew my daughters. Yes, I never knew their eye color, or what their voice sounded like, but I knew them. The book also mentioned another thing that I have said over and over… that some people might say to you, “ You are young. You can always have another baby.” UGH!!!! And I actually wrote “UGH!” in the book next to that line! No future child/children of ours will ever replace Taylor and Riley. I may indeed give birth to another child, but this will be ANOTHER child, not a substitute for Taylor and Riley. I wish people would realize that! I have spoken to other moms whose child has passed away, and they cringe when someone tells them that too!
A beautiful poem by Pat Scwiebert… “Please Don’t Tell Them You Never Got To Know Me”
“It is I whose kicks you will always remember,
I who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy,
I who couldn’t seem to tell time and got your days and nights mixed up.
It is I who acknowledged your craving for peach ice cream by
Knocking the cold bowl off your belly.
I who went shopping and helped you pick out the “perfect” teddy bear for me,
I who liked to be cradled in your belly and rocked off to dreamy slumber by the fire,
It is I who never had a doubt about your love,
It is I who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant.”
How more perfect can that poem be? I loved it!
You know people say you truly find out who your friends are in a time of need. OH MAN have we!!! I find it funny, bc the song “Find out who your friends are” was the song behind the slideshow we gave to our wedding party. That’s how we asked them to be in our wedding, through that slideshow, with that PERFECT song! You know the people who we have expected to be there for us, most of them are, but then there are a few that haven’t even called!!! Can you believe that? No e-mail, no text, no card, no call, NOTHING! I know Facebook is horrible, but I every now and then will look at their FB page and see their updates about this party, and that party, and how much fun they had at this event and that… I just want to call them up and tell them off. How can you be so important in our lives, yet at the time we need you there the most, you aren’t there? There are also the friends that called at the beginning, almost 3 months ago, and haven’t called since, not even to see how we are doing. Last I checked, Billy and I have been there for all of you when you needed something, whether it was something big or small, we were still there. At first we thought, well… maybe they just don’t know what to say. Or maybe they are nervous, etc. But honestly, you were our closest friends, and at this time you cant even pick up the phone? I would so like to just call everyone of you out… but then that would be wrong. My best friend, Melissa, knew I wouldn’t answer her calls, and knows that I still wont depending on the day I am having, yet I know she is there if I need her. She has sent me so many cards, just because. Other friends of mine know talking isn’t really the way to go, so they’ll send me a text, or an e-mail just to say hi and to let them know if I need anything… so for us to still use the excuse, “Maybe they are nervous, or don’t know what to say…” that’s just not right. What’s a text hurt? What does that take a whole 5 seconds out of your day? I guess Billy and I are a little disappointed and a little caught off guard.
I also think some people just don’t know how to feel. They have never lost a child. Cant understand the emptiness Billy and I feel. We didn’t just lose one child, we had 2 pass away. Two children on the same day. We had to burry our two daughters. This is the worst thing and the worst pain I have ever felt.
“You couldn’t live apart from me.
What will I do apart from you?”
To keep going on what I read in the book, it also mentioned that your body doesn’t know that your baby died. This is so true. I had every bit of what happens after you give birth. I wished that my body understood what I was going through and wouldn’t put me in any more pain. No to be gross, but why did I have to produce milk? My girls were no longer here to have it. I remember the pain that went a long with it. Every day I would get upset just thinking about who it was meant for. Also after the birth I remember still feeling the “babies kicking”. It almost wasn’t real to me. The book describes that most women feel this after pregnancy because they are so used to it… But why did I have to relive what just happened. And in reality my girls were supposed to still be in there kicking playfully.
“ I don’t want to be happy
…Not just now.
I have a reason to be sad.
I earned it.
You see,
My life as I knew it
Has ended.”
I still cry, I think I have every right to. I have done better about talking about it, but I don’t think I will ever be back to my old self. I have this fake smile on my face constantly. I realize that I cannot change the past. I know that as long as I put my fate in the hands of God, he will guide me. I have seen that every day is getting a little easier. I still have days when I am a complete mess, but that mess is easier to handle! I love that people ask about what happened that day, I love that they are still thinking about Taylor and Riley and us. I love that they care enough about us to ask.
My grandmother sent me a beautiful card this week. We used to write back and forth to one another fairly often. But since the girls passed away I haven’t found too much motivation to really do anything. She wrote about how she is praying for Billy and I and that she often thinks of us and Taylor and Riley. She said that she missed my letters, but she understands the time I need to heal. It touched my heart, just as all of her sweet letters do, but for some reason this one had me completely balling! My grandmother and I have a language barrier, but we still have found ways to communicate.
My husband has been away on business this week, and came back TONIGHT! Every trip he goes on gets a little easier. I mainly try to stay busy! This week I was able to clean, clean, clean! WEll i walked in the door from work to a delicious smell... I aksed what he was cooking, and he said, "The first dinner I ever made for you!" -- it was so sweet and so delicious!! It was his yummy pasta, chicken, salad, breadsick, and wine!! He is so perfect, and after a year and a half of marriage he still does the little things and is always thinking of me!
Also, our shirts for the walk FINALLY got here! They are very cute. Only thing is the print shop had to do some editing to the colors we had originally given to them, and the girls on the shirts turned out YELLOW!!! Other than that they are cute!! The walk is Saturday and we have raised $6,905!!! Our original goal was $5K… so we have raised almost $2K more than what we originally hoped for!! That doesn’t even include the amount my aunts raised for the walk in Orlando in memory of my girls!! We are extremely excited to have raised that much in 2 months!!! Just think about how much we can raise next year when we have a lot more time to campaign!! I know my girls are looking down on us and are very proud!!
I called the MOD coordinator to find out info on the walk, and she asked are you with Team Taylor and Riley and I said yes, and she said, "You guys are awesome!" I guess she was shocked on how much we have raised!!
Thanks for all of the support, thanks for taking the time to read my blog, thanks for keeping us in your prayers, and thanks most of all for remembering my Taylor Anne and my Riley Grace.
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