When Hello Means Goodbye -April 21, 2010

“When your parent dies
You’ve lost your past,
When your child dies
You’ve lost your future…”

Recently I found a book that the hospital gave me, but I had left it in a folder from the hospital, which I didn’t re-open until now. This book was titled, “When Hello Means Goodbye.”

I have started reading it, its only 52 pages, but it’s hard to get through at times. The book describes how most parents feel after their child passes. I have related to this SOO much! Some physical symptoms it mentions are: physical exhaustion, heaviness in your chest, a need to take a deep breath, appetite loss, nightmares, and most importantly aching arms. Oh man, have I experience all of the above! My appetite loss has pretty much gone away, but everything else is still there. I think what’s worse are the “aching arms”. I miss my daughters, I miss not being able to hold them and have them here with me.

I think about the title of the book… “When hello means goodbye” How true, how sad. Why did our hello have to mean goodbye. Think about those words for a minute. I remember seeing them and knowing that was it. I was so happy to have been able to say hello, and I love you to my babies, but why did I have to say goodbye? Just thinking about those words makes me tear up.

Another thing in the book was “emotions”. I have noticed lately that I have in a way distanced myself from my everyday life. I used to love going out with friends, I loved being the center of attention (as selfish as that sounds!), I loved going to events, and parties, etc. Now, its hard to go places, especially without my husband. Now, I have noticed myself trying to blend in to the “backdrop”. The book states, “ You may feel invisible to others, especially in large crowds. Because others cannot see the pain that is encompassing you, you will imagine that they cannot see you.” I have noticed that, but I have also noticed that I try not to be seen. I never know when I something is going to hit me like a brick, and I am just going to breakdown. I can be anywhere.
Monday I went to the pharmacy to pick up Diamonds meds and the pharmacist noticed I wasn’t pregnant anymore and asked what I had. Ugh!! You know what that felt like? I was happy that she noticed that I was even pregnant to begin with, and took the time to care and ask about my daughters, but at the same time it hurt having to tell her what happened. It hurts every time I tell the story, but then again, I love being asked bc that means people are still thinking of my Taylor and Riley. All the pharmacist kept saying was, “Im so sorry, Im so sorry.” Then a few minutes later I went to the register at Publix and the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the March of Dimes. I told her that it was a great cause, and that my husband and I have started a team that has raised over $6K in memory of my daughters that were pre-term. At one point I wanted to turn and ask her, “I know you are told to ask if the customer wants to donate, but do you even know what this cause supports?” That would have been so rude of me!! But I was able to hold back from saying that!

Further more the book mentioned what I have said over and over again since this happened… it mentioned that everyone grieves differently and my grief will not lessen just because the grief of another person is perceived to be greater. Like I used to think… would it be worse to lose the girls now, or lose them when they were older? And there is no answer, some may think itd be harder as a parent to lose their child later on in life because they “knew them” and had memories and what not. But I see it differently. That parents grief is neither stronger or lesser than mine. We both are grieving and we both have a right to feel the way we feel. And regardless of what people say, I knew my daughters. I knew they didn’t like Chik-Fil-A or meat (especially Chicken!), I knew they loved cereal, I knew their kicks and I saw their smiles through ultrasounds, and their personalities. I knew my daughters. Yes, I never knew their eye color, or what their voice sounded like, but I knew them. The book also mentioned another thing that I have said over and over… that some people might say to you, “ You are young. You can always have another baby.” UGH!!!! And I actually wrote “UGH!” in the book next to that line! No future child/children of ours will ever replace Taylor and Riley. I may indeed give birth to another child, but this will be ANOTHER child, not a substitute for Taylor and Riley. I wish people would realize that! I have spoken to other moms whose child has passed away, and they cringe when someone tells them that too!

A beautiful poem by Pat Scwiebert… “Please Don’t Tell Them You Never Got To Know Me”

“It is I whose kicks you will always remember,
I who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy,
I who couldn’t seem to tell time and got your days and nights mixed up.
It is I who acknowledged your craving for peach ice cream by
Knocking the cold bowl off your belly.
I who went shopping and helped you pick out the “perfect” teddy bear for me,
I who liked to be cradled in your belly and rocked off to dreamy slumber by the fire,
It is I who never had a doubt about your love,
It is I who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant.”

How more perfect can that poem be? I loved it!


You know people say you truly find out who your friends are in a time of need. OH MAN have we!!! I find it funny, bc the song “Find out who your friends are” was the song behind the slideshow we gave to our wedding party. That’s how we asked them to be in our wedding, through that slideshow, with that PERFECT song! You know the people who we have expected to be there for us, most of them are, but then there are a few that haven’t even called!!! Can you believe that? No e-mail, no text, no card, no call, NOTHING! I know Facebook is horrible, but I every now and then will look at their FB page and see their updates about this party, and that party, and how much fun they had at this event and that… I just want to call them up and tell them off. How can you be so important in our lives, yet at the time we need you there the most, you aren’t there? There are also the friends that called at the beginning, almost 3 months ago, and haven’t called since, not even to see how we are doing. Last I checked, Billy and I have been there for all of you when you needed something, whether it was something big or small, we were still there. At first we thought, well… maybe they just don’t know what to say. Or maybe they are nervous, etc. But honestly, you were our closest friends, and at this time you cant even pick up the phone? I would so like to just call everyone of you out… but then that would be wrong. My best friend, Melissa, knew I wouldn’t answer her calls, and knows that I still wont depending on the day I am having, yet I know she is there if I need her. She has sent me so many cards, just because. Other friends of mine know talking isn’t really the way to go, so they’ll send me a text, or an e-mail just to say hi and to let them know if I need anything… so for us to still use the excuse, “Maybe they are nervous, or don’t know what to say…” that’s just not right. What’s a text hurt? What does that take a whole 5 seconds out of your day? I guess Billy and I are a little disappointed and a little caught off guard.

I also think some people just don’t know how to feel. They have never lost a child. Cant understand the emptiness Billy and I feel. We didn’t just lose one child, we had 2 pass away. Two children on the same day. We had to burry our two daughters. This is the worst thing and the worst pain I have ever felt.

“You couldn’t live apart from me.
What will I do apart from you?”

To keep going on what I read in the book, it also mentioned that your body doesn’t know that your baby died. This is so true. I had every bit of what happens after you give birth. I wished that my body understood what I was going through and wouldn’t put me in any more pain. No to be gross, but why did I have to produce milk? My girls were no longer here to have it. I remember the pain that went a long with it. Every day I would get upset just thinking about who it was meant for. Also after the birth I remember still feeling the “babies kicking”. It almost wasn’t real to me. The book describes that most women feel this after pregnancy because they are so used to it… But why did I have to relive what just happened. And in reality my girls were supposed to still be in there kicking playfully.

“ I don’t want to be happy
…Not just now.
I have a reason to be sad.
I earned it.
You see,
My life as I knew it
Has ended.”

I still cry, I think I have every right to. I have done better about talking about it, but I don’t think I will ever be back to my old self. I have this fake smile on my face constantly. I realize that I cannot change the past. I know that as long as I put my fate in the hands of God, he will guide me. I have seen that every day is getting a little easier. I still have days when I am a complete mess, but that mess is easier to handle! I love that people ask about what happened that day, I love that they are still thinking about Taylor and Riley and us. I love that they care enough about us to ask.

My grandmother sent me a beautiful card this week. We used to write back and forth to one another fairly often. But since the girls passed away I haven’t found too much motivation to really do anything. She wrote about how she is praying for Billy and I and that she often thinks of us and Taylor and Riley. She said that she missed my letters, but she understands the time I need to heal. It touched my heart, just as all of her sweet letters do, but for some reason this one had me completely balling! My grandmother and I have a language barrier, but we still have found ways to communicate.

My husband has been away on business this week, and came back TONIGHT! Every trip he goes on gets a little easier. I mainly try to stay busy! This week I was able to clean, clean, clean! WEll i walked in the door from work to a delicious smell... I aksed what he was cooking, and he said, "The first dinner I ever made for you!" -- it was so sweet and so delicious!! It was his yummy pasta, chicken, salad, breadsick, and wine!! He is so perfect, and after a year and a half of marriage he still does the little things and is always thinking of me!

Also, our shirts for the walk FINALLY got here! They are very cute. Only thing is the print shop had to do some editing to the colors we had originally given to them, and the girls on the shirts turned out YELLOW!!! Other than that they are cute!! The walk is Saturday and we have raised $6,905!!! Our original goal was $5K… so we have raised almost $2K more than what we originally hoped for!! That doesn’t even include the amount my aunts raised for the walk in Orlando in memory of my girls!! We are extremely excited to have raised that much in 2 months!!! Just think about how much we can raise next year when we have a lot more time to campaign!! I know my girls are looking down on us and are very proud!!

I called the MOD coordinator to find out info on the walk, and she asked are you with Team Taylor and Riley and I said yes, and she said, "You guys are awesome!" I guess she was shocked on how much we have raised!!

Thanks for all of the support, thanks for taking the time to read my blog, thanks for keeping us in your prayers, and thanks most of all for remembering my Taylor Anne and my Riley Grace.