These past few days...

On Wednesday I went to see the counselor. She was very nice and our meeting lasted close to two hours. I didn't really say or do anything out of the ordinary when i met with her, but for some reason these past few days I have felt better. At least during the day i do.

Almost every night this week I have woke in a panic in the middle of the night. I have been having horrible dreams that dont make any sense really. Some of the dreams I remember vividly, some I only remember parts of and some I dont remember at all. One dream that stands out was a few nights ago. All I remember from this dream was that I was at a cemetery and there was a baby there. The baby's name was Home. I cant really make out if this was my child, or someone else's, but i remember saying something about his/her name in the dream. It was very weird.. all i can portray that to is maybe it meant that my daughters were home now, they are in their eternal place in Heaven. No clue, but thats what I took out of it?

I also had a dream about my best friends Melissa and Aelon, but that dream is a little too scary to share. I know people say dreams mean things... but what on earth could mine mean? They are all over the place, and always nightmares that wake me up. My heart pounds, my chest feels tight and then i cant go back to sleep. My poor husband gets no sleep bc Im always waking him up in the middle of the night!

I spent the evening with my nieces on Wednesday. It was very nice. I was driving home from dinner, with them in the backseat and Anna's favorite song came on the radio, "Boom Boom Pow." She was back there dancing and singing away in her car seat. My little Teyj was singing too, but she is no where near as dramatic as Anna! Anna moves her hands, her shoulders, her neck, everything while she sings! She really gets in to it. As I was looking in my rear view mirror at her, I couldnt help but think about my daughters. How many times would I have looked back at them to see all of the cute silly things a child does? It's so hard, but I am so thankful for what I do have in life. My husband, family, friends, a great support system, and most of all my beautiful girls always in my heart.

I am so blessed to have such an awesome relationship with my nieces. They live right behind us, so I get to see them all of the time. I wish my nephew, Wyatt, lived closer. He is so freaking cute! His expressions are to die for! I love hearing stories about what he's up to, unfortunately I only get to see him a few times a year bc he lives in VA. But he doesnt ever forget his "Clanklashly" and his Uncle Billy! Clanklashly is what he calls me when he is being silly... I guess its his version of Aunt Ashley!

On another note, yesterday was my mom's birthday. We had a nice dinner as a family. My mom has a charm bracelet and on the bracelt are 3 gold little girl head charms and on the back each one has my sisters and my name and our birthdate. So for my moms b-day gift we got her 2 new charms with the girls birthdays and one said Taylor and the other said Riley. She loved it! My Tia Chucha also got me the same thing for my birthday!

I have so much jewelry that family has given me for Taylor and Riley. on top of the charms, i also have a cross with the girls initial on either side that Billy got me, a necklace with two little angels on it my Tia Ester got me, a bracelet with the girls names my sister, Jen got me, another bracelet with the girls names and birthdate my sister-in-law, Cindy got me, the bracelets billy and i had made for the girls, and a beautiful ring from my mother-in-law. The ring has two garnet stones, one for each girl! Their birthstone is Garnet!

For some reason, I cant take any of it off! I have TONS of jewelry and I usually wear different jewelry everyday, but ever since the girls passed, this jewelry has stayed on me... I had a panic one morning while I was on the way to work. the cross is 2 sided, white gold and yellow gold. Well I took the cross off to switch it to a diff side and it fell in between the seats of the car. It took us forever trying to find this little cross, but i couldnt go anywhere until it was found. I literally was fighting back tears thinking it was not going to be found!

This weekend, Saturday, is my birthday. To be honest, Im not really looking forward to it. We had planned on me being pregnant, possibly going to our fav. little spot in Crystal River for some quiet and of course, no alcohol! Now that the girls have come and passed, I just dont feel like really celebrating anything. My husband has something planned, as he always does... so I am going to try and enjoy the day as much as possible for him. Ill keep you posted on what he surprises me with! My best friend Kara and her husband and daughter are coming in town tonight to stay with us, so Im excited about that!

I have a busy month coming up... This weekend Easter and my b-day, next weekend maybe ORL to see my grandparents, the next weekend Miami to see Melissa, and the next weekend March of Dimes!