On Thursday I went to go see my counselor. I thought I would be able to actually talk without tearing up every two seconds like I did at the previous appointment, but man was I wrong!! I am still so hurt; my heart is in so much pain. I have been doing better on a day to day basis, but when it comes to talking about my girls, I just have a sharp pain like stabbing at my heart. My eyes fill up with tears, like they are right now as I am typing this, and my chest tightens. I miss them so much, and every day I think to myself why me? Why us? This is so unfair.
Some people have asked why I blog. To me writing is healing. I have always liked to write, and although it does bring up my feelings, and these horrible yet wonderful memories, I feel better after I get them out.
On Friday I ran in to one of the moms that I had never met in person, but she had reached out to me once she heard what I was going through. It was a very unexpected meeting- neither one of us were expecting to run in to each other. She lost her baby boy a little over 5 years ago, around Easter time. He was 3 at the time, and although we didn’t lose our children the same way, we still lost them and our pain is similar. As we met and talked a little, you could see her eyes start to fill up with tears. 5 years later and the pain is no less hurtful, no less painful. This is going to be one heck of a journey for Billy and me.
After lunch, I couldn’t help but get upset. My girls are gone, they are gone forever. As I told the counselor on Thursday, I feel as if this is just one horrible nightmare and one day I am going to wake up, and my girls are going to be there for me to hold, or at least be in my stomach still where I know they will be safe. But they aren’t and this isn’t a nightmare, this is reality for me and it is just so hard to grasp.
I immediately went to the cemetery and just sat with my daughters for a few minutes. I needed that time out; I needed that time of peace with my beautiful angels.
My husband has been looking in to “how to set up a charity” for me. As mentioned before, I would like to set up a charity that donates head stones to parents that have lost a child and cannot afford one for themselves. He ran across a few charities that already do that sort of thing, but they are in other states. While reading up on a few of them I found one man, Kevin Burdick, that lost his little one after 31 days and he wrote a song for his little girl, Dempsey. The song is called, “Too Good For This World.” If you would like to listen to the words and the song you can go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bphj8uEn4aI
As I sat at my computer in so much pain, I couldn’t stop myself from watching, yet I also couldn’t help myself from completely breaking down. It is so real, just gave me vivid pictures of that day when I could hold my babies for just a few short hours.
It’s amazing how many people have lost their child due to prematurity. That is why I am so excited to be involved in March of Dimes this year. It is such a great charity and something I plan on getting really involved in and supporting every year. We have raised over 6K in just 2 months!!
My cousin, Adam, designed our shirts for us, and they are absolutely perfect!! I am so excited to see them and wear them! I can’t wait to see everyone the day of the walk in their pink and green! We have over 50 people walking with us!
My cousin, Mari, designed the shirts for the walk in Orlando. The walk in Orlando is the same day as our walk, so my family there has started a team and will be walking in memory of my girls too! So we have two teams walking the same day all for Taylor and Riley. That means so much to me, you have no idea. I know that day will be very painful, and for those of you that will be attending be prepared for a few breakdowns from me!
Friday night my husband took me to one delicious dinner!! We went to the Palms and it was a nice little get-a-way from the day I had. I was able to relax and enjoy my delicious food and drinks!!
Saturday was a day of relaxing. I laid out by the pool and then went to the Yankees game with my hubby! CC almost threw a no hitter. That was one good game!!
Then Saturday night my cousin and his girlfriend, Tabitha, came over. They have been so sweet to me. They brought me roses and brought my girls beautiful sunflowers!! On Sunday we all went to church. My cousin is Catholic, and Sunday was his first time at a Baptist church! I think they enjoyed it! LOL… I love my church, the Pastor is so real and his sermons are very entertaining. I think my favorite part about Church is the music. One song completely touched me Sunday. Its called “Gentle Shepherd.” The lyrics are:
“Gentle Shepherd, come and lead us, for we need You to help us find our way
Gentle Shepherd come and feed us, for we need Your strength from day to day
There's no other we can turn to who can help us face another day
Gentle Shepherd, come and lead us, for we need you to help us find our way”
Another song I love is, “Because he lives”
“1. God sent His Son - they called Him Jesus,
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives
2. How sweet to hold a newborn baby
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because Christ lives.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives”
3. And then one day I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to victory,
I'll see the lights of glory - and I'll know He lives.”
Can you find a more perfect song? His words are so true, it is through Him that I have found strength. It is through Him that Billy found strength that day in the operating room. I know I can face these days ahead with the Lord by my side. How else could anyone get through this sort of pain?
At Church, Pastor Parish stated that “The older you get, the more you know something is missing…” I had never realized that more than now. I was always a believer, but now that I have opened myself up fully and allowed myself to grasp the meaning of what the Lord can do for us, and has done for us, I know that something had been missing from our life. Now I know what the Pastor stated was more of a long-term thing, but for me I see it right now. I see that I have found strength in finding God and in allowing him to work his Miracles- He is no longer missing . Now do I wish that his Miracle would have been to save Taylor and Riley? Of COURSE!!!! But I know in the long run there is a plan for Billy and I, and there was a reason God needed Taylor and Riley. It still hurts, but I have faith in the Lord’s plan.
After Church we went to see the girls. It was the first time Erik and Tabitha had been back since the funeral. The sunflowers they brought totally brightened up the site. They were so beautiful! WE finished the day with a little Mexican food for lunch and then a day at the beach and a BBQ at my house.
As we were all sitting on the back porch eating our neighbor that lives behind us came by and asked how the pregnancy was going. He had this huge glow on his face. His son was born 3 days after Taylor and Riley, February 3rd. Of course he had a glow, he had his little boy with him… what do I have? --A few memories of their short time on earth, of the 5 months I carried them, pictures on the computer of them, their clothes hanging in the closet knowing that Taylor and Riley will never have the chance to wear them, an empty nursery, a table filled with memories from the day they were here (their little tiny outfits, their receiving blankets, their footprints, their baptism paper, their little books with their weight and size, their tiny teddy bear, their knit hats), and a frame hanging showing they had a star named after them from their Aunt Amanda. – I told him that I had twin girls on January 30th, but we lost them. His face dropped, he had no clue what to say, but “Sorry.”
I think about those words that I have said to many, “I lost them.” Those words are not true, why would I say it like that? At times I guess its just easier to say than, “yeah I gave birth on January 30th at 4 and 5:15pm and my daughters were only alive for a few hours, and then 4 days later I had to bury the most precious things that ever entered this world.” I guess that does sound a little clearer to me, and now that I sit and think about the words, “I lost them” that doesn’t seem right. I didn’t miscarry, I gave birth. I haven’t lost them, I will never lose them, they are still in my heart, in my mind, and a very part of me every day. I know where they are, they are in Heaven, Taylor and Riley are by no means lost.
It hurts every time someone asks about them. But then it also brings comfort in knowing people are still thinking of them. Probably not thinking of them every second of every day like Billy and I do, but at least they are still thinking of them.
I keep thinking back at what I should have done that day in the hospital. I should have gotten myself out of that bed to help bathe my daughters for the first and only time. I should have had the nurse take hand prints along with their footprints. I should have opened their little outfits up to see every single part of them, front and back, hinies and all! I should have taken more pictures of Riley by herself, we have so many pictures of my sweet precious Taylor alone bc she was born first and we had more time with her, and when my beautiful Riley came we took most of the pictures with them together. Unfortunately I was not allowed to get out of the bed. All I could do was sit there and hold them while I was only part of the way elevated. I had a little pillow that helped me hold them. I was so drugged, I was hooked up to so many IV’s that I couldn’t have gotten out of that bed even if I wanted to. I think about that day and every part of me wishes I hadn’t been so drugged, so I could remember that time with them a little clearer, I would go through all that pain just to be able to remember every second I had with them. I remember a lot, but not as much as I would like to. All I have are the few pictures that were taken. Some people tell me that maybe me not completely remembering the whole day is a good thing.
What can I say… today has been a hard day. But all I can do is look forward to the rest of the day and to what tomorrow will bring.
Some people have asked why I blog. To me writing is healing. I have always liked to write, and although it does bring up my feelings, and these horrible yet wonderful memories, I feel better after I get them out.
On Friday I ran in to one of the moms that I had never met in person, but she had reached out to me once she heard what I was going through. It was a very unexpected meeting- neither one of us were expecting to run in to each other. She lost her baby boy a little over 5 years ago, around Easter time. He was 3 at the time, and although we didn’t lose our children the same way, we still lost them and our pain is similar. As we met and talked a little, you could see her eyes start to fill up with tears. 5 years later and the pain is no less hurtful, no less painful. This is going to be one heck of a journey for Billy and me.
After lunch, I couldn’t help but get upset. My girls are gone, they are gone forever. As I told the counselor on Thursday, I feel as if this is just one horrible nightmare and one day I am going to wake up, and my girls are going to be there for me to hold, or at least be in my stomach still where I know they will be safe. But they aren’t and this isn’t a nightmare, this is reality for me and it is just so hard to grasp.
I immediately went to the cemetery and just sat with my daughters for a few minutes. I needed that time out; I needed that time of peace with my beautiful angels.
My husband has been looking in to “how to set up a charity” for me. As mentioned before, I would like to set up a charity that donates head stones to parents that have lost a child and cannot afford one for themselves. He ran across a few charities that already do that sort of thing, but they are in other states. While reading up on a few of them I found one man, Kevin Burdick, that lost his little one after 31 days and he wrote a song for his little girl, Dempsey. The song is called, “Too Good For This World.” If you would like to listen to the words and the song you can go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bphj8uEn4aI
As I sat at my computer in so much pain, I couldn’t stop myself from watching, yet I also couldn’t help myself from completely breaking down. It is so real, just gave me vivid pictures of that day when I could hold my babies for just a few short hours.
It’s amazing how many people have lost their child due to prematurity. That is why I am so excited to be involved in March of Dimes this year. It is such a great charity and something I plan on getting really involved in and supporting every year. We have raised over 6K in just 2 months!!
My cousin, Adam, designed our shirts for us, and they are absolutely perfect!! I am so excited to see them and wear them! I can’t wait to see everyone the day of the walk in their pink and green! We have over 50 people walking with us!
My cousin, Mari, designed the shirts for the walk in Orlando. The walk in Orlando is the same day as our walk, so my family there has started a team and will be walking in memory of my girls too! So we have two teams walking the same day all for Taylor and Riley. That means so much to me, you have no idea. I know that day will be very painful, and for those of you that will be attending be prepared for a few breakdowns from me!
Friday night my husband took me to one delicious dinner!! We went to the Palms and it was a nice little get-a-way from the day I had. I was able to relax and enjoy my delicious food and drinks!!
Saturday was a day of relaxing. I laid out by the pool and then went to the Yankees game with my hubby! CC almost threw a no hitter. That was one good game!!
Then Saturday night my cousin and his girlfriend, Tabitha, came over. They have been so sweet to me. They brought me roses and brought my girls beautiful sunflowers!! On Sunday we all went to church. My cousin is Catholic, and Sunday was his first time at a Baptist church! I think they enjoyed it! LOL… I love my church, the Pastor is so real and his sermons are very entertaining. I think my favorite part about Church is the music. One song completely touched me Sunday. Its called “Gentle Shepherd.” The lyrics are:
“Gentle Shepherd, come and lead us, for we need You to help us find our way
Gentle Shepherd come and feed us, for we need Your strength from day to day
There's no other we can turn to who can help us face another day
Gentle Shepherd, come and lead us, for we need you to help us find our way”
Another song I love is, “Because he lives”
“1. God sent His Son - they called Him Jesus,
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives
2. How sweet to hold a newborn baby
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because Christ lives.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives”
3. And then one day I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to victory,
I'll see the lights of glory - and I'll know He lives.”
Can you find a more perfect song? His words are so true, it is through Him that I have found strength. It is through Him that Billy found strength that day in the operating room. I know I can face these days ahead with the Lord by my side. How else could anyone get through this sort of pain?
At Church, Pastor Parish stated that “The older you get, the more you know something is missing…” I had never realized that more than now. I was always a believer, but now that I have opened myself up fully and allowed myself to grasp the meaning of what the Lord can do for us, and has done for us, I know that something had been missing from our life. Now I know what the Pastor stated was more of a long-term thing, but for me I see it right now. I see that I have found strength in finding God and in allowing him to work his Miracles- He is no longer missing . Now do I wish that his Miracle would have been to save Taylor and Riley? Of COURSE!!!! But I know in the long run there is a plan for Billy and I, and there was a reason God needed Taylor and Riley. It still hurts, but I have faith in the Lord’s plan.
After Church we went to see the girls. It was the first time Erik and Tabitha had been back since the funeral. The sunflowers they brought totally brightened up the site. They were so beautiful! WE finished the day with a little Mexican food for lunch and then a day at the beach and a BBQ at my house.
As we were all sitting on the back porch eating our neighbor that lives behind us came by and asked how the pregnancy was going. He had this huge glow on his face. His son was born 3 days after Taylor and Riley, February 3rd. Of course he had a glow, he had his little boy with him… what do I have? --A few memories of their short time on earth, of the 5 months I carried them, pictures on the computer of them, their clothes hanging in the closet knowing that Taylor and Riley will never have the chance to wear them, an empty nursery, a table filled with memories from the day they were here (their little tiny outfits, their receiving blankets, their footprints, their baptism paper, their little books with their weight and size, their tiny teddy bear, their knit hats), and a frame hanging showing they had a star named after them from their Aunt Amanda. – I told him that I had twin girls on January 30th, but we lost them. His face dropped, he had no clue what to say, but “Sorry.”
I think about those words that I have said to many, “I lost them.” Those words are not true, why would I say it like that? At times I guess its just easier to say than, “yeah I gave birth on January 30th at 4 and 5:15pm and my daughters were only alive for a few hours, and then 4 days later I had to bury the most precious things that ever entered this world.” I guess that does sound a little clearer to me, and now that I sit and think about the words, “I lost them” that doesn’t seem right. I didn’t miscarry, I gave birth. I haven’t lost them, I will never lose them, they are still in my heart, in my mind, and a very part of me every day. I know where they are, they are in Heaven, Taylor and Riley are by no means lost.
It hurts every time someone asks about them. But then it also brings comfort in knowing people are still thinking of them. Probably not thinking of them every second of every day like Billy and I do, but at least they are still thinking of them.
I keep thinking back at what I should have done that day in the hospital. I should have gotten myself out of that bed to help bathe my daughters for the first and only time. I should have had the nurse take hand prints along with their footprints. I should have opened their little outfits up to see every single part of them, front and back, hinies and all! I should have taken more pictures of Riley by herself, we have so many pictures of my sweet precious Taylor alone bc she was born first and we had more time with her, and when my beautiful Riley came we took most of the pictures with them together. Unfortunately I was not allowed to get out of the bed. All I could do was sit there and hold them while I was only part of the way elevated. I had a little pillow that helped me hold them. I was so drugged, I was hooked up to so many IV’s that I couldn’t have gotten out of that bed even if I wanted to. I think about that day and every part of me wishes I hadn’t been so drugged, so I could remember that time with them a little clearer, I would go through all that pain just to be able to remember every second I had with them. I remember a lot, but not as much as I would like to. All I have are the few pictures that were taken. Some people tell me that maybe me not completely remembering the whole day is a good thing.
What can I say… today has been a hard day. But all I can do is look forward to the rest of the day and to what tomorrow will bring.
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