This morning was my follow up doctor appointment, I am now 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant! Well, he stated that the baby looks good and measuring exactly what he should be measuring at 11 weeks!! Yay, good news for baby #3! The baby was moving all around and was extremely active! His/Her heart was beating at 171bpm, which they said was great! the heartbeat has increased since our last appointment, but i guess thats what its supposed to do?!
We discussed my surgery, cervical cerclage, and I will be having that done next Monday, the 23rd. SCARY! After many tears, discussing what happened to Taylor and Riley, and the difference in this pregnancy, I found that my cerclage will be done at a different OR than I went to with Riley,so I guess that will alleviate some of my stress seeing that same room again. The doctor also suggested that possibly, when it is time to deliver baby #3 that he ill do it in the same OR as Riley, so I can overcome that fear of being back in that room, and have a more positive memory of it. I dont know what i think about that yet, but obviously we have PLENTY of time!! The cerclage is supposed to help a lot, and if it holds (which it should and we are praying it does) then i may possibly have to have a c-section bc of the scar tissue. But we are all pushing to not have to have a c-section, so I guess we'll see as we get closer to the end!
I am very xcited, nervous, anxious for the procedure, but i know it will be all worth it in the end!!
On another note, I was not baptised as a child, and recently that has been something I have REALLY been wanting to do. So this Saturday, I will be getting baptised!! I am SO looking forward to taking this extra step in my faith and am really excited!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
August 11, 2010
Can I just start off by saying, “UGH!!” So, I checked my mail the other day and found that I got ANOTHER bill for Riley from the hospital. However, I have yet to receive one for Taylor, but I’m sure that one will be following. Well, the bill was for $3K. I cannot imagine what each of them were charged for a total of $6K? I called the hospital billing department, and of course, that alone causes stress and anxiety. Well, I asked the gentleman to detail the services provided to Riley to explain to me what she was charged for. He read off the list 3 things; a nursery charge, a bed charge, and an assessment charge. SERIOUSLY? 1. They never went in to a nursery, so that is just absurd 2. a bed charge? For what? They did not stay in a “room” 3. an assessment charge? No one assessed them once they were born. Literally, I gave birth to Taylor and they handed her to me right away, then after I delivered Riley, they handed her to me right away… so therefore, what was assessed? I asked if they charged for say a morgue charge, bc the hospital had to keep the girls until the funeral home came to get them, and the billing department told me no, that they don’t charge for that. So what else could it be? The guy said he agreed with me, after I was completely flowing with tears having to detail to him what happened that day, and he said he was going to look in to this and call me back. So I guess we shall see from there.
On another note, I met with my 2 friends last night for dinner, Heather and April. Heather lost her baby girl, Abby, last November and April lost her baby boy, Patrick, November of 2008. Well every now and then Heather and I meet for lunch and catch up and talk about how each of us are holding up, and recently I have been talking with April, so I decided it’d be nice to bring all of us together! We had a great dinner and were able to really talk about how we are doing. Kind of like a mini therapy session. It’s always nice talking to other moms that have experienced a loss such as ours. I can say to you that I had a bad day, and you would probably take it as the typical “bad day”, yet when I tell one of the moms that I had a bad day, they know exactly what I mean… Its nice to know that I am not alone in the way that I am feeling. Yes, it has been a little over 6 months, but my day to day pain does not hurt any less.
I was talking to my sister about meeting with the girls and she was a little worried that it might not be too healthy for me to go and keep talking about this sadness, but I explained to her that it truly does help. These moms, and any mom that has lost a child, knows EXACTLY what it feels like to go through this. And yes, I can explain it to you and try to make you see where I am coming from, but in the end its still hard to truly know something unless you’ve been through it.
You go through something like this and for everyone else, life goes on, but for Billy and I, it’s so hard to just “go on.” We think about our girls and talk about our girls every day, every morning, every night. As April put it last night, “It’s all we know.”
Whenever I send out a birthday card to a friend or family member I ALWAYS include Taylor and Riley’s names in the signature. They are our daughters and will FOREVER be our daughters, and it just doesn’t feel right to me to leave them out. And everytime I go to sign the card I think to myself, “is this ok? Is this person going to think I am crazy?” But in the end I guess who cares, if it is what I feel is right, then who cares what they think.
On to Baby #3!!...
Well, I am 11 weeks and 1 day! I am loving every minute of being pregnant. As mentioned MANY times before , this pregnancy is completely different than the last in the way I am feeling. Yes, I am always tired, as I was with Taylor and Riley. But with Taylor and Riley during my first trimester I barely ate… nothing sounded good, and I was just never hungry. Well, this new lil one is way different! I want to eat anything and EVERYTHING. I am always hungry!! Thankfully all that is growing is my tummy, and it’s still not big! Literally, I can eat a full meal, and then an hour later be hungry again! Many say I’m probably having a boy bc my cravings are so different. I have to keep reminding them that last time I was also pregnant with TWINS so no matter what I am having, my cravings/body/entire pregnancy will be different with just one!
It’s funny bc some days my stomach seems bigger than others! It’s just the bloating that comes with being pregnant, but still its weird!
I go to see the doctor tomorrow morning and am excited for another ultrasound, but am a little nervous too, because tomorrow is when we plan for my surgery. Which I am assuming will be in 2 weeks.
Ill keep you posted on how everything goes!
On another note, I met with my 2 friends last night for dinner, Heather and April. Heather lost her baby girl, Abby, last November and April lost her baby boy, Patrick, November of 2008. Well every now and then Heather and I meet for lunch and catch up and talk about how each of us are holding up, and recently I have been talking with April, so I decided it’d be nice to bring all of us together! We had a great dinner and were able to really talk about how we are doing. Kind of like a mini therapy session. It’s always nice talking to other moms that have experienced a loss such as ours. I can say to you that I had a bad day, and you would probably take it as the typical “bad day”, yet when I tell one of the moms that I had a bad day, they know exactly what I mean… Its nice to know that I am not alone in the way that I am feeling. Yes, it has been a little over 6 months, but my day to day pain does not hurt any less.
I was talking to my sister about meeting with the girls and she was a little worried that it might not be too healthy for me to go and keep talking about this sadness, but I explained to her that it truly does help. These moms, and any mom that has lost a child, knows EXACTLY what it feels like to go through this. And yes, I can explain it to you and try to make you see where I am coming from, but in the end its still hard to truly know something unless you’ve been through it.
You go through something like this and for everyone else, life goes on, but for Billy and I, it’s so hard to just “go on.” We think about our girls and talk about our girls every day, every morning, every night. As April put it last night, “It’s all we know.”
Whenever I send out a birthday card to a friend or family member I ALWAYS include Taylor and Riley’s names in the signature. They are our daughters and will FOREVER be our daughters, and it just doesn’t feel right to me to leave them out. And everytime I go to sign the card I think to myself, “is this ok? Is this person going to think I am crazy?” But in the end I guess who cares, if it is what I feel is right, then who cares what they think.
On to Baby #3!!...
Well, I am 11 weeks and 1 day! I am loving every minute of being pregnant. As mentioned MANY times before , this pregnancy is completely different than the last in the way I am feeling. Yes, I am always tired, as I was with Taylor and Riley. But with Taylor and Riley during my first trimester I barely ate… nothing sounded good, and I was just never hungry. Well, this new lil one is way different! I want to eat anything and EVERYTHING. I am always hungry!! Thankfully all that is growing is my tummy, and it’s still not big! Literally, I can eat a full meal, and then an hour later be hungry again! Many say I’m probably having a boy bc my cravings are so different. I have to keep reminding them that last time I was also pregnant with TWINS so no matter what I am having, my cravings/body/entire pregnancy will be different with just one!
It’s funny bc some days my stomach seems bigger than others! It’s just the bloating that comes with being pregnant, but still its weird!
I go to see the doctor tomorrow morning and am excited for another ultrasound, but am a little nervous too, because tomorrow is when we plan for my surgery. Which I am assuming will be in 2 weeks.
Ill keep you posted on how everything goes!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
July 28th
July 28, 2010
These past few weeks have been kind of tough. I was at Baby Place ( The hospital where I delivered Taylor and Riley) yesterday and as I was walking out there was a lady and her husband walking through with big smiles on their faces, as the dad was saying... "We're having a baby today!!" I know that I am pregnant again and am looking forward to our new addition, but I still think about my girls any time I see a pregnant lady, and especially at that moment in the hospital. I just saw the joy in the parents faces and couldnt help but think about the pain Billy and I had the moment we found out, "we are going to have our babies today." Nothing that day was happy for us... well except the part where we were able to hold our beautiful daughters for the first and only time that day. It brings back so much pain still to this day. My daughters would have been 6 months old this Friday.
Before I saw that happy couple, I was going down the elevator and saw a lady who had just had her baby... what was on her mind? Going downstairs to smoke a cigarette... Honestly, you are going to bring a new born in to that environment? I heard someone saying how there was a lady on the antepartum floor (so this means she was having complications and hadnt had her baby yet-- wether its preterm labor complications or something else, i do not know) and everyday she would walk down stairs to smoke... that just drives me crazy!! I was so good to my daughters, watched EVERTHING i did and EVERYTHING i ate to ensure their health and well being. I know it isnt right to judge other people, and the way they do things, but inside it just hurts so bad seeing what some pregnant women do, while others are trying so hard for their unborn child.
I then walked out to my car, and had to wait for the valet, while there were probably 6 pregnant women standing around outside... I guess the hospital was really busy that day. It just brings back reminders for me and is so hard. But then i stop and think, Im pregnant again, and this time we will have a better outcome, I just know it. Im still scared, i still cry ALL the time for my 2 angels, but I know nothing will ever bring them back and I need to accept things the way they are.
I dont know if its bc Im pregnant again, and emotions are flaring and increased or what but I have been crying a lot more recently. Its like I am on a roller coaster... and these past 6 months have been a LONG ride for me. At first it was shock and not accepting the reality, then it was the crying CONSTANTLY, then it was the "trying to get better" and now it going back to the crying constantly. I think its a combo between the loss of my girls and the anxiety/fear/worry for my new baby. I know stress isnt good for pregnancies, so i have been a lot better about trying to not get too stressed.
I am currently painting the angels i got for Taylor and Riley to put under their bench. so fasr they are adorable! But i def still have a long way to go. Painting helps me and allows me to have a few moments of peacefulness.
This past week I looked at the Chinese Birth Calendar. According to the one I saw, I am having another girl! I looked at it and did the test for Taylor and Riley, my sister and her 2 boys, my sister in law and her son, and my girlfriend and her son and so far everyone was accurate on that calendar... so I guess we shall see in September if its right or not!
Billy and I couldnt be happier for this baby. We are so anxious and happy and are looking forward to FEBRUARY!I will have my stitch removed the week of February 8th, so anytime after that I am ok to deliver. My due date is March 1st! So Im assuming my baby will be a February baby-- very close to his/her sisters.
So far I have been feeling good. Eating like CRAZY! its funny bc my last pregnancy i remember during my first trimester all i wanted was cereal and wasnt all that hungry... and now that i am only having ONE baby, Im eating everything in sight!! I have been on a HUGE fruit kick... so at least its healthy cravings! I havent gotten sick or nauseous, not even once, so knock on wood it stays that way! I have been really tired lately. But am hoping Ill start to get my energy back up in a few weeks.
These past few weeks have been kind of tough. I was at Baby Place ( The hospital where I delivered Taylor and Riley) yesterday and as I was walking out there was a lady and her husband walking through with big smiles on their faces, as the dad was saying... "We're having a baby today!!" I know that I am pregnant again and am looking forward to our new addition, but I still think about my girls any time I see a pregnant lady, and especially at that moment in the hospital. I just saw the joy in the parents faces and couldnt help but think about the pain Billy and I had the moment we found out, "we are going to have our babies today." Nothing that day was happy for us... well except the part where we were able to hold our beautiful daughters for the first and only time that day. It brings back so much pain still to this day. My daughters would have been 6 months old this Friday.
Before I saw that happy couple, I was going down the elevator and saw a lady who had just had her baby... what was on her mind? Going downstairs to smoke a cigarette... Honestly, you are going to bring a new born in to that environment? I heard someone saying how there was a lady on the antepartum floor (so this means she was having complications and hadnt had her baby yet-- wether its preterm labor complications or something else, i do not know) and everyday she would walk down stairs to smoke... that just drives me crazy!! I was so good to my daughters, watched EVERTHING i did and EVERYTHING i ate to ensure their health and well being. I know it isnt right to judge other people, and the way they do things, but inside it just hurts so bad seeing what some pregnant women do, while others are trying so hard for their unborn child.
I then walked out to my car, and had to wait for the valet, while there were probably 6 pregnant women standing around outside... I guess the hospital was really busy that day. It just brings back reminders for me and is so hard. But then i stop and think, Im pregnant again, and this time we will have a better outcome, I just know it. Im still scared, i still cry ALL the time for my 2 angels, but I know nothing will ever bring them back and I need to accept things the way they are.
I dont know if its bc Im pregnant again, and emotions are flaring and increased or what but I have been crying a lot more recently. Its like I am on a roller coaster... and these past 6 months have been a LONG ride for me. At first it was shock and not accepting the reality, then it was the crying CONSTANTLY, then it was the "trying to get better" and now it going back to the crying constantly. I think its a combo between the loss of my girls and the anxiety/fear/worry for my new baby. I know stress isnt good for pregnancies, so i have been a lot better about trying to not get too stressed.
I am currently painting the angels i got for Taylor and Riley to put under their bench. so fasr they are adorable! But i def still have a long way to go. Painting helps me and allows me to have a few moments of peacefulness.
This past week I looked at the Chinese Birth Calendar. According to the one I saw, I am having another girl! I looked at it and did the test for Taylor and Riley, my sister and her 2 boys, my sister in law and her son, and my girlfriend and her son and so far everyone was accurate on that calendar... so I guess we shall see in September if its right or not!
Billy and I couldnt be happier for this baby. We are so anxious and happy and are looking forward to FEBRUARY!I will have my stitch removed the week of February 8th, so anytime after that I am ok to deliver. My due date is March 1st! So Im assuming my baby will be a February baby-- very close to his/her sisters.
So far I have been feeling good. Eating like CRAZY! its funny bc my last pregnancy i remember during my first trimester all i wanted was cereal and wasnt all that hungry... and now that i am only having ONE baby, Im eating everything in sight!! I have been on a HUGE fruit kick... so at least its healthy cravings! I havent gotten sick or nauseous, not even once, so knock on wood it stays that way! I have been really tired lately. But am hoping Ill start to get my energy back up in a few weeks.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
July 21, 2010
July 21, 2010
Last Thursday, 7/15/10, We had our second appointment with Dr Prieto. We were really looking forward to this appointment, but didnt want to get our hopes up in case things were still too soon, and in case they were still not able to determine how many we were having. Well, the sonographer started her exam and heres what we saw... from my view, I saw nothing, it scared me to death... and from Billys view, he saw two sacks! So we both saw two different things and both were freaking out... but turns out the sonographer hadnt zoomed in on our baby yet... The moment we saw that ONE little heart beat, beating 131 bpm, that looked like a lil speck of rice the tears started flowing! Finally, we can rest at ease and know that we are only having one child this time and Taylor and Riley will soon be big sisters!
Its been a crazy road for us. And still it has been extremely hard. Its been almost 6 months and not a second goes by without our Taylor and Riley in our minds. I am still sleeping with their toys every night. Its amazing, our dogs sleep with us and never once have they tried to touch the girls' toys. Its like they know...
Our families are growing more and more each year, and this year God will have blessed us with our two beautiful babies, along with 3 cousins for Taylor and Riley... all boys!! Both my sister and sister in law are due in the fall. I am still unable to look at my nephews ultrasound pictures... I guess that is just something that has stuck with me. I am able to see my beautiful 3rd child's ultrasound though!! Every time I step in to that seat for an ultrasound, well its only been 2 times so far, my first thought is of my girls and then of course baby 3!
Family has asked if we are wanting a boy or girl... and of course... we dont care!! we just want this baby to stay in my tummy for at least 37 weeks!!!
If it is a boy, we will name him Charles William Young III and nickname him 3! Billy is the 2nd... so of course our first son will be named after his father and grandfather! The nickname is cute and would stand for two meanings, one would be the most obvious... he will be the 3rd CWY but the other meaning would be bc he would our 3rd child.
If God gives us the gift of another beautiful baby girl, we are still up in the air on a name. I was thinking Grace Anne, after her sisters, but of course... we have plenty of time to think about names!!
Billy and I will go back to the doctor on August 12th and that is when we will have all of the testing done for the baby. At that appointment we will also discuss a date for my cerclage surgery. Dr P has advised us that I will have to have a cerclage with everyone of my following pregnancies. My cerclage will prob be around the 23rd of August. I am extremely nervous, but know that it will be well worth it in the end.
I am a lil knowledgeable on what will take place for the surgery, and i think that is what has me the most nervous. I will be in the operating room, more than likely the same one as I was in for Riley. They will have to tie my legs up, just as they did with Riley, and of course the usual sanitary things... I know I will more than likely experience the "flash backs" of that day... but know that now I have the strength of my two angels watching me from up above and no matter how scared I will be, it will be well worth it in the end. The procedure will take 15-20 minutes... so hopefully everything goes as planned and I will be in and out of there! My AMAZING doctor will be the one putting in the stitch and will make sure he does it tight!!
At 37 weeks is when my doctor will remove the stitch and anytime after that I will go in to labor. Billy and I are praying the stitch holds and we will have our lil bundle of joy in our arms by late Feb - 1st week of March!
As of now, our doctor is exrtremely optimistic and being that i am pregnant with one baby this time makes things a lot more easier... so far, he does not want to put me on bed rest right away, and he will monitor me extremely closely the rest of my pregnancy!
Prayers, Prayers, Prayers!!
Last Thursday, 7/15/10, We had our second appointment with Dr Prieto. We were really looking forward to this appointment, but didnt want to get our hopes up in case things were still too soon, and in case they were still not able to determine how many we were having. Well, the sonographer started her exam and heres what we saw... from my view, I saw nothing, it scared me to death... and from Billys view, he saw two sacks! So we both saw two different things and both were freaking out... but turns out the sonographer hadnt zoomed in on our baby yet... The moment we saw that ONE little heart beat, beating 131 bpm, that looked like a lil speck of rice the tears started flowing! Finally, we can rest at ease and know that we are only having one child this time and Taylor and Riley will soon be big sisters!
Its been a crazy road for us. And still it has been extremely hard. Its been almost 6 months and not a second goes by without our Taylor and Riley in our minds. I am still sleeping with their toys every night. Its amazing, our dogs sleep with us and never once have they tried to touch the girls' toys. Its like they know...
Our families are growing more and more each year, and this year God will have blessed us with our two beautiful babies, along with 3 cousins for Taylor and Riley... all boys!! Both my sister and sister in law are due in the fall. I am still unable to look at my nephews ultrasound pictures... I guess that is just something that has stuck with me. I am able to see my beautiful 3rd child's ultrasound though!! Every time I step in to that seat for an ultrasound, well its only been 2 times so far, my first thought is of my girls and then of course baby 3!
Family has asked if we are wanting a boy or girl... and of course... we dont care!! we just want this baby to stay in my tummy for at least 37 weeks!!!
If it is a boy, we will name him Charles William Young III and nickname him 3! Billy is the 2nd... so of course our first son will be named after his father and grandfather! The nickname is cute and would stand for two meanings, one would be the most obvious... he will be the 3rd CWY but the other meaning would be bc he would our 3rd child.
If God gives us the gift of another beautiful baby girl, we are still up in the air on a name. I was thinking Grace Anne, after her sisters, but of course... we have plenty of time to think about names!!
Billy and I will go back to the doctor on August 12th and that is when we will have all of the testing done for the baby. At that appointment we will also discuss a date for my cerclage surgery. Dr P has advised us that I will have to have a cerclage with everyone of my following pregnancies. My cerclage will prob be around the 23rd of August. I am extremely nervous, but know that it will be well worth it in the end.
I am a lil knowledgeable on what will take place for the surgery, and i think that is what has me the most nervous. I will be in the operating room, more than likely the same one as I was in for Riley. They will have to tie my legs up, just as they did with Riley, and of course the usual sanitary things... I know I will more than likely experience the "flash backs" of that day... but know that now I have the strength of my two angels watching me from up above and no matter how scared I will be, it will be well worth it in the end. The procedure will take 15-20 minutes... so hopefully everything goes as planned and I will be in and out of there! My AMAZING doctor will be the one putting in the stitch and will make sure he does it tight!!
At 37 weeks is when my doctor will remove the stitch and anytime after that I will go in to labor. Billy and I are praying the stitch holds and we will have our lil bundle of joy in our arms by late Feb - 1st week of March!
As of now, our doctor is exrtremely optimistic and being that i am pregnant with one baby this time makes things a lot more easier... so far, he does not want to put me on bed rest right away, and he will monitor me extremely closely the rest of my pregnancy!
Prayers, Prayers, Prayers!!
July 12-14
I started blogging my experience, i just didnt post it until now... so here it is! Our experience findng out we are having a third child!
July 12, 2010
I figured I would continue my blog, as it helps me look back on all of the emotions and memories I have had. My last blog was written on what was supposed to be my daughters due date.
The past month and a half have been a HUGE journey for Billy and I. We started off the month of June by taking a trip to Phoenix/Scottsdale, Arizona. It was an absolutely AMAZING trip... and also quite pricey!! I had never been before, and Billy was going for work, so we went up a few days early and spent some time together. We stayed at the W which was a beautiful hotel. WE shopped, ate tons, and did a little sight seeing. I also found my true love for cucumber martinis there!!
We went on a Hummer tour up the desert and got a lot of beautiful pictures. I also experienced eating cactus fries for the first time, and believe it or not, they were quite delicious! They were prickly pear cacti cut in to slivers and then fried... and it also came with prickly pear sauce!! Very Yummy!
We also went to a March of Dimes event in Tampa, at Tampa General. There was just us and one other family there as we were waiting to head up to the room where they were having the lil event. ** Side note, remember me blogging a while back about a mom that had twins and had a similar situation as I did, and she took the same meds and they helped prolong her labor for 10 weeks?** Well, that was the other family there, April, Patrick and their beautiful daughter Savannah! I finally got to meet April! It was nice catching up and discussing our stories, and we have kept in touch since that day...
I have also had the opportunity to meet with a few other moms that have also lost a child, and it helps knowing that you arent the only one feeling the way you do. Its almost as if we have exact stories on how we feel....
Now, Fathers Day was just around the corner, as well as Billys birthday. This was a HORRIBLE weekend for us. Not only were they reminders of what we were supposed to experience with our daughters, but Billys Uncle was also in Hospice during this time. Sunday was Fathers Day and of course Billy wasnt having too good of a day, neither was I. WE started the day off no where else but to go visit our girls. We brought them roses and were able to sit at their site and talk to them for a short while, after that We spent the afternoon having brunch with family and then decided to go home and take it easy for a while. The next day was Billys birthday. We were supposed to be spending this day with our girls. We had it all planned a long time ago, and kept thinking of how exciting it would be to have our first birthday celebrated with our twins...
Well on top of it being Billys birthday, we had some other bad news that day... Unfortunately, its a private topic, so I cannot share with all of you, but lets just say... our day didnt get any better.
A few days later I decided to take a pregnancy test. Billy and I had decided we were ready to start trying again. I took a test in May and also in April and was bummed out bc I wasnt pregnant. I began to see that i was becoming "fixated" on trying to conceive again and decided its better to let nature take its course and not fixate on this, it just wasnt healthy. I really wanted to take a test sooner, but decided i would wait until i missed a period. Well, sure enough I couldnt wait any longer, and i just had a feeling. Last time i was pregnant it was almost like my dog, Diamond, knew right away. She would act different, come around more, and she would love to just lay on top of my stomache... usually she lays down by my feet under the covers.
Well i took an EPT test and the test result was so light i couldnt tell if it was 2 lines, or one. Billy and I just kept staring at it.. Billy kept trying to pick it up to look at it closer, and i kept yelling at him to keep it flat so it would give it time to become more accurate!! well 10 minutes went by and the 2nd line was there but VERY light, so i called my brother in law over. He had NO clue what was going on... as soon as he came up the stairs in to the bedroom i had my camera on video taping him. I had him go in the bathroom, which he was very hesitant to do at first, and then i had him look at the test. I was so excited, and nervous, and everything all at once-- so was Billy. Well, Pat looked at it and said, "I think you better go get another test!" and then he proceeded to tell me not to get too excited and hype myself up bc the test didnt seem too clear...
I rushed to the car and drove to the Walgreens down the street and got a First Response test this time that says either pregnant or not pregnant. I tried chuggin down more water so i would be able to pee, and then took the test. Billy and I sat there for what felt like FOREVER! I was video taping Billy watching the test, and the lil hour glass keep blinking on the screen, and of course the second i stop recording the result appeared. Billy yelled, "Pregnant!" we were all very excited... and then the nerves set in... I was crying out of happiness, being scared, nervous, everything. and one of Billys remarks, of course after being very excited, was "Poor Taylor and Riley."
I know that our twin daughters will ALWAYS be with us and will forever live within our hearts. Not a day goes by that we dont think of them... or better yet, not a minute goes by we dont think of them... I have a tear in my eye just typing this. I still sleep with their toys every night and no matter where i stay, the toys are with me. I have not gone one night without sleeping with them... I also still wear the jewelry i have received with significance to my girls...
July 14th, Blog Continued...
Well, we of course shared our wonderful news with our family! Our first appointment was made for July 7th and boy oh boy was that a long 2 weeks of waiting full of anticipation!! We are going to the same doctor that delivered my beautiful Taylor and Riley. They were not who Billy and I started out our first pregnancy with, but they were the ones we chose for the delivery, and are so thankful to have met such an amazing doctor and his staff.
The day finally came and our appt was at 8:45am. We of course got there early and we werent seen until around 9:10. My favorite nurse, Rhonda, came and got us and she went to take my weight, blood pressure etc... at that moment everything started to sink in. The last time i was in that exact same chair was after i gave birth to my 2 beautiful angel babies. My emotions were all over the place. I, of course, started crying as we were all talking. When Rhonda went to take my blood pressure it was extremely high, due to my anxiety... she didnt feel comfortable writing that BP number down so she decided to wait until i calmed down a bit and retook it at the end of our appointment and of course it had gone down to a normal level. We went in the room and talked about our history and what not, and then we went to the ultrasound room. I was full of nerves!! Well bc i was so so far along they were not able to do an abdominal ultrasound. They started the ultrasound and the baby was extremely tiny. All we could see on the screen was a TINY Tiny heartbeat. I though all along i was about 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant, but it turned out, i was measuring more toward 5 weeks and 3 days. The heartbeat was so tiny and was beating around 130 bpm. However, bc it was so tiny... Dr P said i was like "2 minutes pregnant!" ... they could not take any measurements, the baby was too small. Most doctor offices do not see patients until they are around 8 weeks pregnant, bc by then they can usually get better measurements. But of course, Dr P let me come in earlier given my history... Well they also could not tell us how many babies we are having... Talk about STRESS!! I have been told, that if I have twins again, odds are not in my favor. We are praying for one, but we also know that God is on our side, and he will not give us anything we cannot handle, and I know I am in good hands and have the best medical care anyone could ask for, so whatever will be, will be.
Dr P said he wants to start seeing me weekly until he can get good measurements. My next appointment is Thursday, July 15th. Because they really couldnt tell us anything at our first appt bc the baby was so small, Billy and i have still been very nervous and anxious. This year has really taken a toll on Billy and I, and FINALLY we have some positive in our life again and are extremely blessed to have been able to conceive again. Dr P stated that I will have my Cervical Cerclage surgery when I am around 13-15 weeks. He said it is a short procedure, maybe 15-20min and then usually i will be able to go home after a few hours, or possibly the following day. After that Billy and I have talked about possibly moving in to his parents house, on the beach, bc the stairs in our house will not help my cervix! So we shall see about that.
I am so thankful for this new baby, but will never ever forget or stop thinking about my 2 first born. I know my girls are up in Heaven watching over us, and watching over there new baby brother or sister.
I am also happy that i did not conceive any sooner. I was told by some, including a family friend/doctor, that i should wait about 6 months to try again. Yet, I was also told by my OB and a Family OB that I can start trying as soon as I had a menstral cycle. Well, now i see why some suggest waiting longer. On one aspect, yes, my body would have been able to conceive another baby shortly after my birth to Taylor and Riley, but mentally I feel I personally would not have been ready. Some may be ready, but for me... even waiting 5 months... its been a toll of different kinds of emotions. I was getting better with my crying... and taking it one day at a time, but recently I have caught myself crying a lot. I am so happy for this new baby, and I am so ready for it, but at the same time I am so nervous, after what I went through, and I am so scared, and I am also missing my daughters even more thinking they will not be here to meet their little brother or sister... but i know they will be looking from up above and will be here with us through this whole journey in spirit. It's all just very hard, but very exciting... just a sea of emotions.
I was talking to my sister last night and I was telling her how I hear all of these pregnant women talking about different things, that i know can induce labor... A part of me feels that I should let each and every one of them know the risks in what theyre doing. But i know, what happened to me and Billy doesnt happen to everyone... so why should i put my opinions on their lives? I think what it is is that i was never told about the chance of preterm labor. My doctors never gave me any information on it, and that is one thing that NEVER crossed my mind. I feel that it should be the doctors obligation to tell you about it. So i feel that if I would have known, maybe things could be different, or if someone would have told me to watch out for things... its just hard seeing some of the things pregnant women do, and know taht they are putting their unborn child at risk... to me its not worth it.
I was also talking about how most pregnant women announce they are pregnant after 13 weeks. I look back and to me, now, 13 weeks really doesnt mean everything is ok... you CAN still have a miscarriage, you CAN still be suseptible to risks... theres a lot more to be scared about!!! There are so many moms out there that have lost a child/children to many different things... I guess knowing now what i know, things can be a little scarier.
On another note. I am feeling good! I think some of my aversions are starting to come back... When I was pregnant with my girls, I could not stand to eat meat! Especially Turkey. and I made a Turkey enchilada casserole the other day, and my turkey aversion is def. back!! No more turkey for me for while!!!
July 12, 2010
I figured I would continue my blog, as it helps me look back on all of the emotions and memories I have had. My last blog was written on what was supposed to be my daughters due date.
The past month and a half have been a HUGE journey for Billy and I. We started off the month of June by taking a trip to Phoenix/Scottsdale, Arizona. It was an absolutely AMAZING trip... and also quite pricey!! I had never been before, and Billy was going for work, so we went up a few days early and spent some time together. We stayed at the W which was a beautiful hotel. WE shopped, ate tons, and did a little sight seeing. I also found my true love for cucumber martinis there!!
We went on a Hummer tour up the desert and got a lot of beautiful pictures. I also experienced eating cactus fries for the first time, and believe it or not, they were quite delicious! They were prickly pear cacti cut in to slivers and then fried... and it also came with prickly pear sauce!! Very Yummy!
We also went to a March of Dimes event in Tampa, at Tampa General. There was just us and one other family there as we were waiting to head up to the room where they were having the lil event. ** Side note, remember me blogging a while back about a mom that had twins and had a similar situation as I did, and she took the same meds and they helped prolong her labor for 10 weeks?** Well, that was the other family there, April, Patrick and their beautiful daughter Savannah! I finally got to meet April! It was nice catching up and discussing our stories, and we have kept in touch since that day...
I have also had the opportunity to meet with a few other moms that have also lost a child, and it helps knowing that you arent the only one feeling the way you do. Its almost as if we have exact stories on how we feel....
Now, Fathers Day was just around the corner, as well as Billys birthday. This was a HORRIBLE weekend for us. Not only were they reminders of what we were supposed to experience with our daughters, but Billys Uncle was also in Hospice during this time. Sunday was Fathers Day and of course Billy wasnt having too good of a day, neither was I. WE started the day off no where else but to go visit our girls. We brought them roses and were able to sit at their site and talk to them for a short while, after that We spent the afternoon having brunch with family and then decided to go home and take it easy for a while. The next day was Billys birthday. We were supposed to be spending this day with our girls. We had it all planned a long time ago, and kept thinking of how exciting it would be to have our first birthday celebrated with our twins...
Well on top of it being Billys birthday, we had some other bad news that day... Unfortunately, its a private topic, so I cannot share with all of you, but lets just say... our day didnt get any better.
A few days later I decided to take a pregnancy test. Billy and I had decided we were ready to start trying again. I took a test in May and also in April and was bummed out bc I wasnt pregnant. I began to see that i was becoming "fixated" on trying to conceive again and decided its better to let nature take its course and not fixate on this, it just wasnt healthy. I really wanted to take a test sooner, but decided i would wait until i missed a period. Well, sure enough I couldnt wait any longer, and i just had a feeling. Last time i was pregnant it was almost like my dog, Diamond, knew right away. She would act different, come around more, and she would love to just lay on top of my stomache... usually she lays down by my feet under the covers.
Well i took an EPT test and the test result was so light i couldnt tell if it was 2 lines, or one. Billy and I just kept staring at it.. Billy kept trying to pick it up to look at it closer, and i kept yelling at him to keep it flat so it would give it time to become more accurate!! well 10 minutes went by and the 2nd line was there but VERY light, so i called my brother in law over. He had NO clue what was going on... as soon as he came up the stairs in to the bedroom i had my camera on video taping him. I had him go in the bathroom, which he was very hesitant to do at first, and then i had him look at the test. I was so excited, and nervous, and everything all at once-- so was Billy. Well, Pat looked at it and said, "I think you better go get another test!" and then he proceeded to tell me not to get too excited and hype myself up bc the test didnt seem too clear...
I rushed to the car and drove to the Walgreens down the street and got a First Response test this time that says either pregnant or not pregnant. I tried chuggin down more water so i would be able to pee, and then took the test. Billy and I sat there for what felt like FOREVER! I was video taping Billy watching the test, and the lil hour glass keep blinking on the screen, and of course the second i stop recording the result appeared. Billy yelled, "Pregnant!" we were all very excited... and then the nerves set in... I was crying out of happiness, being scared, nervous, everything. and one of Billys remarks, of course after being very excited, was "Poor Taylor and Riley."
I know that our twin daughters will ALWAYS be with us and will forever live within our hearts. Not a day goes by that we dont think of them... or better yet, not a minute goes by we dont think of them... I have a tear in my eye just typing this. I still sleep with their toys every night and no matter where i stay, the toys are with me. I have not gone one night without sleeping with them... I also still wear the jewelry i have received with significance to my girls...
July 14th, Blog Continued...
Well, we of course shared our wonderful news with our family! Our first appointment was made for July 7th and boy oh boy was that a long 2 weeks of waiting full of anticipation!! We are going to the same doctor that delivered my beautiful Taylor and Riley. They were not who Billy and I started out our first pregnancy with, but they were the ones we chose for the delivery, and are so thankful to have met such an amazing doctor and his staff.
The day finally came and our appt was at 8:45am. We of course got there early and we werent seen until around 9:10. My favorite nurse, Rhonda, came and got us and she went to take my weight, blood pressure etc... at that moment everything started to sink in. The last time i was in that exact same chair was after i gave birth to my 2 beautiful angel babies. My emotions were all over the place. I, of course, started crying as we were all talking. When Rhonda went to take my blood pressure it was extremely high, due to my anxiety... she didnt feel comfortable writing that BP number down so she decided to wait until i calmed down a bit and retook it at the end of our appointment and of course it had gone down to a normal level. We went in the room and talked about our history and what not, and then we went to the ultrasound room. I was full of nerves!! Well bc i was so so far along they were not able to do an abdominal ultrasound. They started the ultrasound and the baby was extremely tiny. All we could see on the screen was a TINY Tiny heartbeat. I though all along i was about 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant, but it turned out, i was measuring more toward 5 weeks and 3 days. The heartbeat was so tiny and was beating around 130 bpm. However, bc it was so tiny... Dr P said i was like "2 minutes pregnant!" ... they could not take any measurements, the baby was too small. Most doctor offices do not see patients until they are around 8 weeks pregnant, bc by then they can usually get better measurements. But of course, Dr P let me come in earlier given my history... Well they also could not tell us how many babies we are having... Talk about STRESS!! I have been told, that if I have twins again, odds are not in my favor. We are praying for one, but we also know that God is on our side, and he will not give us anything we cannot handle, and I know I am in good hands and have the best medical care anyone could ask for, so whatever will be, will be.
Dr P said he wants to start seeing me weekly until he can get good measurements. My next appointment is Thursday, July 15th. Because they really couldnt tell us anything at our first appt bc the baby was so small, Billy and i have still been very nervous and anxious. This year has really taken a toll on Billy and I, and FINALLY we have some positive in our life again and are extremely blessed to have been able to conceive again. Dr P stated that I will have my Cervical Cerclage surgery when I am around 13-15 weeks. He said it is a short procedure, maybe 15-20min and then usually i will be able to go home after a few hours, or possibly the following day. After that Billy and I have talked about possibly moving in to his parents house, on the beach, bc the stairs in our house will not help my cervix! So we shall see about that.
I am so thankful for this new baby, but will never ever forget or stop thinking about my 2 first born. I know my girls are up in Heaven watching over us, and watching over there new baby brother or sister.
I am also happy that i did not conceive any sooner. I was told by some, including a family friend/doctor, that i should wait about 6 months to try again. Yet, I was also told by my OB and a Family OB that I can start trying as soon as I had a menstral cycle. Well, now i see why some suggest waiting longer. On one aspect, yes, my body would have been able to conceive another baby shortly after my birth to Taylor and Riley, but mentally I feel I personally would not have been ready. Some may be ready, but for me... even waiting 5 months... its been a toll of different kinds of emotions. I was getting better with my crying... and taking it one day at a time, but recently I have caught myself crying a lot. I am so happy for this new baby, and I am so ready for it, but at the same time I am so nervous, after what I went through, and I am so scared, and I am also missing my daughters even more thinking they will not be here to meet their little brother or sister... but i know they will be looking from up above and will be here with us through this whole journey in spirit. It's all just very hard, but very exciting... just a sea of emotions.
I was talking to my sister last night and I was telling her how I hear all of these pregnant women talking about different things, that i know can induce labor... A part of me feels that I should let each and every one of them know the risks in what theyre doing. But i know, what happened to me and Billy doesnt happen to everyone... so why should i put my opinions on their lives? I think what it is is that i was never told about the chance of preterm labor. My doctors never gave me any information on it, and that is one thing that NEVER crossed my mind. I feel that it should be the doctors obligation to tell you about it. So i feel that if I would have known, maybe things could be different, or if someone would have told me to watch out for things... its just hard seeing some of the things pregnant women do, and know taht they are putting their unborn child at risk... to me its not worth it.
I was also talking about how most pregnant women announce they are pregnant after 13 weeks. I look back and to me, now, 13 weeks really doesnt mean everything is ok... you CAN still have a miscarriage, you CAN still be suseptible to risks... theres a lot more to be scared about!!! There are so many moms out there that have lost a child/children to many different things... I guess knowing now what i know, things can be a little scarier.
On another note. I am feeling good! I think some of my aversions are starting to come back... When I was pregnant with my girls, I could not stand to eat meat! Especially Turkey. and I made a Turkey enchilada casserole the other day, and my turkey aversion is def. back!! No more turkey for me for while!!!
Announcement!
This is the e-mail we sent out to our family and friends!
To our friends and family,
These past 6 months have been really hard for Billy and I. After the loss of our daughters we have learned more about each others strength than we have ever known. We have also learned that we have a ton of support out there to help us through. After a few months we have decided that it was time to try and grow our family even more. Our doctors had explained to us that we could start trying again as soon as we were ready. June 20th was Billy's first Father's day and on the 21st was his 26th birthday. It was very rough for us celebrating these two events, our daughters were supposed to be here. Well, on the 23rd, we received a call first thing in the morning that Billys Uncle had passed away. It's like one thing after another was happening, of course our daughters death being the worst tragedy, and we were wondering when were we going to finally get good news? Well later that afternoon, I decided to take a pregnancy test. The first test was very light and the results were not very clear, so i took another one and sure enough, we are on to baby #3! Taylor and Riley will be big sisters!!!
We went to the doctor, our amazing doctor that delivered Taylor and Riley, and at our first appointment he was not able to tell how many we were having bc i was still very early on. Of course, Billy and I were scared, nervous, anxious, excited, every emotion you could possibly think of was going through us. We went back the following week and he was able to confirm ONE baby this time! That put us at ease.
I will have to go in for surgery at around 13-15 weeks, which will be around August 23rd, for them to sew my cervix. I will have to do this with every one of my following pregnancies. its a lil nerve racking, and will def bring up memories being in that operating room again, but with the strength of my husband behind me, along with friends family and GOD, and of course having my angels watching over me... i know I will get through it, it will be a success and will be well worth it for our 3rd child.
A few short weeks after that we will find out the sex of our lil one.
Our bright bundle of joy should be arriving late February early March.
I know most people share their news around 13 weeks, but to us, that is just a number, and as we know... anything can happen no matter how many weeks you are. The sooner we tell people the more prayers headed our way!
Thank you all for your support through everything. It means a lot, and we are definately looking forward to bringing a new addition to the Young family!
Love,
Ashley, Billy and of course our beautiful angels Taylor and Riley
P.S. - There are many moms and dad out there that Billy and I have met that have experienced what its like to be in our shoes, can you please keep them in your prayers as well?
To our friends and family,
These past 6 months have been really hard for Billy and I. After the loss of our daughters we have learned more about each others strength than we have ever known. We have also learned that we have a ton of support out there to help us through. After a few months we have decided that it was time to try and grow our family even more. Our doctors had explained to us that we could start trying again as soon as we were ready. June 20th was Billy's first Father's day and on the 21st was his 26th birthday. It was very rough for us celebrating these two events, our daughters were supposed to be here. Well, on the 23rd, we received a call first thing in the morning that Billys Uncle had passed away. It's like one thing after another was happening, of course our daughters death being the worst tragedy, and we were wondering when were we going to finally get good news? Well later that afternoon, I decided to take a pregnancy test. The first test was very light and the results were not very clear, so i took another one and sure enough, we are on to baby #3! Taylor and Riley will be big sisters!!!
We went to the doctor, our amazing doctor that delivered Taylor and Riley, and at our first appointment he was not able to tell how many we were having bc i was still very early on. Of course, Billy and I were scared, nervous, anxious, excited, every emotion you could possibly think of was going through us. We went back the following week and he was able to confirm ONE baby this time! That put us at ease.
I will have to go in for surgery at around 13-15 weeks, which will be around August 23rd, for them to sew my cervix. I will have to do this with every one of my following pregnancies. its a lil nerve racking, and will def bring up memories being in that operating room again, but with the strength of my husband behind me, along with friends family and GOD, and of course having my angels watching over me... i know I will get through it, it will be a success and will be well worth it for our 3rd child.
A few short weeks after that we will find out the sex of our lil one.
Our bright bundle of joy should be arriving late February early March.
I know most people share their news around 13 weeks, but to us, that is just a number, and as we know... anything can happen no matter how many weeks you are. The sooner we tell people the more prayers headed our way!
Thank you all for your support through everything. It means a lot, and we are definately looking forward to bringing a new addition to the Young family!
Love,
Ashley, Billy and of course our beautiful angels Taylor and Riley
P.S. - There are many moms and dad out there that Billy and I have met that have experienced what its like to be in our shoes, can you please keep them in your prayers as well?
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Taylor and Riley's "original" due date- May 24, 2010
I have found that the majority of my blogs sound depressing, and I usually refrain from putting ALL of my feelings down bc I dont want to upset anyone or hurt anyone else's feelings if I mention them, etc. So eventually i will begin to write in a confidential journal that only I could read. This way I can vent all of my thoughts without worrying about what is "ok" to type and what really isnt.
So, here I begin one of my last "public- depressing" blogs.
Tonight I sit at my computer in so much pain. My daughters due date was supposed to be tomorrow. I ask God, "why?" "why cant it still be?" These past 3 and a half months have been horrible, and I wonder, will I ever be myself again? will i ever be happy again? will i ever stop picking on my husband for all the little things, bc i have no where else to vent this built up anger inside of me?
This weekend Billy and I spent at the beach. Our friends Pat and Jess came over and it was nice, to try and take my mind off the obvious for a bit. The second they left my life came back to reality. This whole weekend I have tried to put on a "game face" and have told myself I am never going to get any where if i keep dwelling on the past. and dwelling on what is no longer here. It is just so hard to do that. As the poem goes, "When you lose a child you have lost your future..." That is so true. Everything in our lives was based on taylor and riley. From the moment we were trying to conceive, to the day we found out the great news that I was pregnant, to the day we found out even better news that we were having twins, to the day we found out even better news, that they were girls. We changed our schedules, I planned on stopping work for a while to raise them, Billy saved as much vacation as possible from last year so his time could roll over to this year to spend more time with the girls, I mean everything in our "future" was planned for us. Now what do we have? A future of what should have been? I know they say, everything happens for a reason, and God has a plan, and theres a bigger picture to all of this... but that is SO easy to SAY. Until you have lived in our shoes, until you have experienced a pain so heart wrenching... you have no idea. What is this bigger picture planned for us? what time will tell? All time has told me is that I cannot bare any of this. It hurts. Time has told me that the second i think i am "dealing" with things, i start going downhill again... the second i try to think positive, i think back and wonder how can anything positive come out of losing a child, let alone two. Sure Taylor and Riley were only here on this earth for a short while, but they are OUR WORLD. our everything, and now I sit, as I did a few hours ago... and just stare at an empty bench, at a headstone full of flowers... that what I have. That and a few pictures that cant be blown up bc the majority of the pictures were taken from camera phones. That and a few foot prints, 2 tiny outfits, etc. I would give up ALL of those things, I would give up anything just for one more second with them. Just to be able to fully share with them how much I love them, how long i waited for them. I was in so much pain on January 30th that it overcame my joy of meeting my daughters for the first time.
Tonight, around 9pm, I just grabbed my keys, opened the garage, jumped in my truck, and was stopped by my husband wondering where the heck i was going. I had NEVER done this before, I just wanted to go sit with my girls. Just me and them. Billy of course begged me not to go, but ultimately he could see the pain behind my eyes, and knew he had to let me go. I just wanted to be alone, just me and them. i drove to the cemetery, pulled my truck facing their site, so the head lights could stay on and shine on the site while i sat there, next to them, completely broken. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to bring them back. I just need to suck it up and face reality... but to me I would rather be blinded by it. Eventually, I got back in the truck and started to drive off, but just wasnt ready yet, so i stopped driving and sat and faced their site and talked to them a bit more. Theres 2 windmills that I have by their headstone, and as I sat talking to them, farther away from the truck, one of the windmills started spinning, and caught the light of the moon and was shining. Anytime i would say something, and then stop, the windmill would shine and start spinning again. Call me crazy, but i believe in signs and think this was a sign that they an hear me, no matter how far they are. I drove out of the cemetery and then turned around again, to just sit with them a little while longer. People must have thought I was nuts! Who cares? Im done with caring what other people think, Im done caring about how strong I used to be... Im done trying to put up a front... Yes, I have good days and I have bad days... but I never have an extremely happy day. will those days ever come back to me? Who knows.
I see everyone around me so happy. It's either this friend got engaged, or this friend is getting married, or this friend is having a baby, or this friend just had a baby... all of those happy days that Billy and I used to have are gone now.
Its so easy to see how soon people forget. Sure youre around right when things happen, but as time goes by, people start "forgetting" that feeling, that pain they felt that day at the funeral... Well, Billy and I havent forgotten, we live with that pain everyday.
As Billy has said over and over, he has to "deal" with me, and make sure Im ok... and people worry about me... but who is really thinking about him? Well, of course I am, but I am not going to lie, I have drained everything out of him... I have taken this so hard, that I am being selfish and I am "stealing the spotlight"... well wheres his? How fair is it for me to do this to him? I am just not strong enough to handle both, I can barely handle myself. I feel horrible for all of this pressure I put on him day in and day out... its just so hard to control at times. I can see that his pain is getting worse everyday as well and theres only so much he can hold in. I feel so bad for all of this.
I find it funny how when some people hear of our situation they become mute, some people say sorry and thats it, some people just stare at you and you can tell they are extremely uncomfortable, some people dont even want to try and understand, and then you have those people who try and compare completely off the wall stories with you on how they have "experienced" pain like this... Last night as we were with a group of older people, and it came mention to what happened with us one lady began to "share" her story with me on how her husband's son was born premature, at 4 months, and he was so tiny he could fit in one hand... UGH!!! that kills me the most is when people try to relate... I felt like saying, first off lady, it wasnt your child, so there is no way you can feel my pain, second off, there is no way your step son was born at 4 months and survived...organs arent even developed until 24 weeks. Then her friend felt compelled to share her story on how her husband, who was previously married, had twins that dies prematurely and then had twins again and only one made it the second time. The way she was telling "his" story was like nothing... its just like really? really people? what exactly would you like me to say to you? Neither one of them went through this... their husbands did and yet they felt compelled to share stories that were not completely accurate to someone that just went through all of this. That kills me more when people
"think" they know more than you on a subject that you have just experienced first hand... and the extremes they go too... like saying he was born at 4 months? You know I have talked to so many moms and dads that have experienced losing a child and not one of them act like these ladies did. Instead they try and let you know that they are there for you and can relate to how you feel...
Without all of these moms I dont know where Id be... They have been so encouraging and do helpful and are always there to listen.
Needless to say, tonight has been one of the bad ones... tomorrow will prob be just as worse. Tomorrow was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives, and now its one of the saddest.
I look to God for strength and some sort of encouragement. This is something WE will pull through, and we will do it together.
*Sigh* Now I feel better, I got a lot of this out!!! G'Night!
So, here I begin one of my last "public- depressing" blogs.
Tonight I sit at my computer in so much pain. My daughters due date was supposed to be tomorrow. I ask God, "why?" "why cant it still be?" These past 3 and a half months have been horrible, and I wonder, will I ever be myself again? will i ever be happy again? will i ever stop picking on my husband for all the little things, bc i have no where else to vent this built up anger inside of me?
This weekend Billy and I spent at the beach. Our friends Pat and Jess came over and it was nice, to try and take my mind off the obvious for a bit. The second they left my life came back to reality. This whole weekend I have tried to put on a "game face" and have told myself I am never going to get any where if i keep dwelling on the past. and dwelling on what is no longer here. It is just so hard to do that. As the poem goes, "When you lose a child you have lost your future..." That is so true. Everything in our lives was based on taylor and riley. From the moment we were trying to conceive, to the day we found out the great news that I was pregnant, to the day we found out even better news that we were having twins, to the day we found out even better news, that they were girls. We changed our schedules, I planned on stopping work for a while to raise them, Billy saved as much vacation as possible from last year so his time could roll over to this year to spend more time with the girls, I mean everything in our "future" was planned for us. Now what do we have? A future of what should have been? I know they say, everything happens for a reason, and God has a plan, and theres a bigger picture to all of this... but that is SO easy to SAY. Until you have lived in our shoes, until you have experienced a pain so heart wrenching... you have no idea. What is this bigger picture planned for us? what time will tell? All time has told me is that I cannot bare any of this. It hurts. Time has told me that the second i think i am "dealing" with things, i start going downhill again... the second i try to think positive, i think back and wonder how can anything positive come out of losing a child, let alone two. Sure Taylor and Riley were only here on this earth for a short while, but they are OUR WORLD. our everything, and now I sit, as I did a few hours ago... and just stare at an empty bench, at a headstone full of flowers... that what I have. That and a few pictures that cant be blown up bc the majority of the pictures were taken from camera phones. That and a few foot prints, 2 tiny outfits, etc. I would give up ALL of those things, I would give up anything just for one more second with them. Just to be able to fully share with them how much I love them, how long i waited for them. I was in so much pain on January 30th that it overcame my joy of meeting my daughters for the first time.
Tonight, around 9pm, I just grabbed my keys, opened the garage, jumped in my truck, and was stopped by my husband wondering where the heck i was going. I had NEVER done this before, I just wanted to go sit with my girls. Just me and them. Billy of course begged me not to go, but ultimately he could see the pain behind my eyes, and knew he had to let me go. I just wanted to be alone, just me and them. i drove to the cemetery, pulled my truck facing their site, so the head lights could stay on and shine on the site while i sat there, next to them, completely broken. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to bring them back. I just need to suck it up and face reality... but to me I would rather be blinded by it. Eventually, I got back in the truck and started to drive off, but just wasnt ready yet, so i stopped driving and sat and faced their site and talked to them a bit more. Theres 2 windmills that I have by their headstone, and as I sat talking to them, farther away from the truck, one of the windmills started spinning, and caught the light of the moon and was shining. Anytime i would say something, and then stop, the windmill would shine and start spinning again. Call me crazy, but i believe in signs and think this was a sign that they an hear me, no matter how far they are. I drove out of the cemetery and then turned around again, to just sit with them a little while longer. People must have thought I was nuts! Who cares? Im done with caring what other people think, Im done caring about how strong I used to be... Im done trying to put up a front... Yes, I have good days and I have bad days... but I never have an extremely happy day. will those days ever come back to me? Who knows.
I see everyone around me so happy. It's either this friend got engaged, or this friend is getting married, or this friend is having a baby, or this friend just had a baby... all of those happy days that Billy and I used to have are gone now.
Its so easy to see how soon people forget. Sure youre around right when things happen, but as time goes by, people start "forgetting" that feeling, that pain they felt that day at the funeral... Well, Billy and I havent forgotten, we live with that pain everyday.
As Billy has said over and over, he has to "deal" with me, and make sure Im ok... and people worry about me... but who is really thinking about him? Well, of course I am, but I am not going to lie, I have drained everything out of him... I have taken this so hard, that I am being selfish and I am "stealing the spotlight"... well wheres his? How fair is it for me to do this to him? I am just not strong enough to handle both, I can barely handle myself. I feel horrible for all of this pressure I put on him day in and day out... its just so hard to control at times. I can see that his pain is getting worse everyday as well and theres only so much he can hold in. I feel so bad for all of this.
I find it funny how when some people hear of our situation they become mute, some people say sorry and thats it, some people just stare at you and you can tell they are extremely uncomfortable, some people dont even want to try and understand, and then you have those people who try and compare completely off the wall stories with you on how they have "experienced" pain like this... Last night as we were with a group of older people, and it came mention to what happened with us one lady began to "share" her story with me on how her husband's son was born premature, at 4 months, and he was so tiny he could fit in one hand... UGH!!! that kills me the most is when people try to relate... I felt like saying, first off lady, it wasnt your child, so there is no way you can feel my pain, second off, there is no way your step son was born at 4 months and survived...organs arent even developed until 24 weeks. Then her friend felt compelled to share her story on how her husband, who was previously married, had twins that dies prematurely and then had twins again and only one made it the second time. The way she was telling "his" story was like nothing... its just like really? really people? what exactly would you like me to say to you? Neither one of them went through this... their husbands did and yet they felt compelled to share stories that were not completely accurate to someone that just went through all of this. That kills me more when people
"think" they know more than you on a subject that you have just experienced first hand... and the extremes they go too... like saying he was born at 4 months? You know I have talked to so many moms and dads that have experienced losing a child and not one of them act like these ladies did. Instead they try and let you know that they are there for you and can relate to how you feel...
Without all of these moms I dont know where Id be... They have been so encouraging and do helpful and are always there to listen.
Needless to say, tonight has been one of the bad ones... tomorrow will prob be just as worse. Tomorrow was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives, and now its one of the saddest.
I look to God for strength and some sort of encouragement. This is something WE will pull through, and we will do it together.
*Sigh* Now I feel better, I got a lot of this out!!! G'Night!
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