July 21, 2010
Last Thursday, 7/15/10, We had our second appointment with Dr Prieto. We were really looking forward to this appointment, but didnt want to get our hopes up in case things were still too soon, and in case they were still not able to determine how many we were having. Well, the sonographer started her exam and heres what we saw... from my view, I saw nothing, it scared me to death... and from Billys view, he saw two sacks! So we both saw two different things and both were freaking out... but turns out the sonographer hadnt zoomed in on our baby yet... The moment we saw that ONE little heart beat, beating 131 bpm, that looked like a lil speck of rice the tears started flowing! Finally, we can rest at ease and know that we are only having one child this time and Taylor and Riley will soon be big sisters!
Its been a crazy road for us. And still it has been extremely hard. Its been almost 6 months and not a second goes by without our Taylor and Riley in our minds. I am still sleeping with their toys every night. Its amazing, our dogs sleep with us and never once have they tried to touch the girls' toys. Its like they know...
Our families are growing more and more each year, and this year God will have blessed us with our two beautiful babies, along with 3 cousins for Taylor and Riley... all boys!! Both my sister and sister in law are due in the fall. I am still unable to look at my nephews ultrasound pictures... I guess that is just something that has stuck with me. I am able to see my beautiful 3rd child's ultrasound though!! Every time I step in to that seat for an ultrasound, well its only been 2 times so far, my first thought is of my girls and then of course baby 3!
Family has asked if we are wanting a boy or girl... and of course... we dont care!! we just want this baby to stay in my tummy for at least 37 weeks!!!
If it is a boy, we will name him Charles William Young III and nickname him 3! Billy is the 2nd... so of course our first son will be named after his father and grandfather! The nickname is cute and would stand for two meanings, one would be the most obvious... he will be the 3rd CWY but the other meaning would be bc he would our 3rd child.
If God gives us the gift of another beautiful baby girl, we are still up in the air on a name. I was thinking Grace Anne, after her sisters, but of course... we have plenty of time to think about names!!
Billy and I will go back to the doctor on August 12th and that is when we will have all of the testing done for the baby. At that appointment we will also discuss a date for my cerclage surgery. Dr P has advised us that I will have to have a cerclage with everyone of my following pregnancies. My cerclage will prob be around the 23rd of August. I am extremely nervous, but know that it will be well worth it in the end.
I am a lil knowledgeable on what will take place for the surgery, and i think that is what has me the most nervous. I will be in the operating room, more than likely the same one as I was in for Riley. They will have to tie my legs up, just as they did with Riley, and of course the usual sanitary things... I know I will more than likely experience the "flash backs" of that day... but know that now I have the strength of my two angels watching me from up above and no matter how scared I will be, it will be well worth it in the end. The procedure will take 15-20 minutes... so hopefully everything goes as planned and I will be in and out of there! My AMAZING doctor will be the one putting in the stitch and will make sure he does it tight!!
At 37 weeks is when my doctor will remove the stitch and anytime after that I will go in to labor. Billy and I are praying the stitch holds and we will have our lil bundle of joy in our arms by late Feb - 1st week of March!
As of now, our doctor is exrtremely optimistic and being that i am pregnant with one baby this time makes things a lot more easier... so far, he does not want to put me on bed rest right away, and he will monitor me extremely closely the rest of my pregnancy!
Prayers, Prayers, Prayers!!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
July 12-14
I started blogging my experience, i just didnt post it until now... so here it is! Our experience findng out we are having a third child!
July 12, 2010
I figured I would continue my blog, as it helps me look back on all of the emotions and memories I have had. My last blog was written on what was supposed to be my daughters due date.
The past month and a half have been a HUGE journey for Billy and I. We started off the month of June by taking a trip to Phoenix/Scottsdale, Arizona. It was an absolutely AMAZING trip... and also quite pricey!! I had never been before, and Billy was going for work, so we went up a few days early and spent some time together. We stayed at the W which was a beautiful hotel. WE shopped, ate tons, and did a little sight seeing. I also found my true love for cucumber martinis there!!
We went on a Hummer tour up the desert and got a lot of beautiful pictures. I also experienced eating cactus fries for the first time, and believe it or not, they were quite delicious! They were prickly pear cacti cut in to slivers and then fried... and it also came with prickly pear sauce!! Very Yummy!
We also went to a March of Dimes event in Tampa, at Tampa General. There was just us and one other family there as we were waiting to head up to the room where they were having the lil event. ** Side note, remember me blogging a while back about a mom that had twins and had a similar situation as I did, and she took the same meds and they helped prolong her labor for 10 weeks?** Well, that was the other family there, April, Patrick and their beautiful daughter Savannah! I finally got to meet April! It was nice catching up and discussing our stories, and we have kept in touch since that day...
I have also had the opportunity to meet with a few other moms that have also lost a child, and it helps knowing that you arent the only one feeling the way you do. Its almost as if we have exact stories on how we feel....
Now, Fathers Day was just around the corner, as well as Billys birthday. This was a HORRIBLE weekend for us. Not only were they reminders of what we were supposed to experience with our daughters, but Billys Uncle was also in Hospice during this time. Sunday was Fathers Day and of course Billy wasnt having too good of a day, neither was I. WE started the day off no where else but to go visit our girls. We brought them roses and were able to sit at their site and talk to them for a short while, after that We spent the afternoon having brunch with family and then decided to go home and take it easy for a while. The next day was Billys birthday. We were supposed to be spending this day with our girls. We had it all planned a long time ago, and kept thinking of how exciting it would be to have our first birthday celebrated with our twins...
Well on top of it being Billys birthday, we had some other bad news that day... Unfortunately, its a private topic, so I cannot share with all of you, but lets just say... our day didnt get any better.
A few days later I decided to take a pregnancy test. Billy and I had decided we were ready to start trying again. I took a test in May and also in April and was bummed out bc I wasnt pregnant. I began to see that i was becoming "fixated" on trying to conceive again and decided its better to let nature take its course and not fixate on this, it just wasnt healthy. I really wanted to take a test sooner, but decided i would wait until i missed a period. Well, sure enough I couldnt wait any longer, and i just had a feeling. Last time i was pregnant it was almost like my dog, Diamond, knew right away. She would act different, come around more, and she would love to just lay on top of my stomache... usually she lays down by my feet under the covers.
Well i took an EPT test and the test result was so light i couldnt tell if it was 2 lines, or one. Billy and I just kept staring at it.. Billy kept trying to pick it up to look at it closer, and i kept yelling at him to keep it flat so it would give it time to become more accurate!! well 10 minutes went by and the 2nd line was there but VERY light, so i called my brother in law over. He had NO clue what was going on... as soon as he came up the stairs in to the bedroom i had my camera on video taping him. I had him go in the bathroom, which he was very hesitant to do at first, and then i had him look at the test. I was so excited, and nervous, and everything all at once-- so was Billy. Well, Pat looked at it and said, "I think you better go get another test!" and then he proceeded to tell me not to get too excited and hype myself up bc the test didnt seem too clear...
I rushed to the car and drove to the Walgreens down the street and got a First Response test this time that says either pregnant or not pregnant. I tried chuggin down more water so i would be able to pee, and then took the test. Billy and I sat there for what felt like FOREVER! I was video taping Billy watching the test, and the lil hour glass keep blinking on the screen, and of course the second i stop recording the result appeared. Billy yelled, "Pregnant!" we were all very excited... and then the nerves set in... I was crying out of happiness, being scared, nervous, everything. and one of Billys remarks, of course after being very excited, was "Poor Taylor and Riley."
I know that our twin daughters will ALWAYS be with us and will forever live within our hearts. Not a day goes by that we dont think of them... or better yet, not a minute goes by we dont think of them... I have a tear in my eye just typing this. I still sleep with their toys every night and no matter where i stay, the toys are with me. I have not gone one night without sleeping with them... I also still wear the jewelry i have received with significance to my girls...
July 14th, Blog Continued...
Well, we of course shared our wonderful news with our family! Our first appointment was made for July 7th and boy oh boy was that a long 2 weeks of waiting full of anticipation!! We are going to the same doctor that delivered my beautiful Taylor and Riley. They were not who Billy and I started out our first pregnancy with, but they were the ones we chose for the delivery, and are so thankful to have met such an amazing doctor and his staff.
The day finally came and our appt was at 8:45am. We of course got there early and we werent seen until around 9:10. My favorite nurse, Rhonda, came and got us and she went to take my weight, blood pressure etc... at that moment everything started to sink in. The last time i was in that exact same chair was after i gave birth to my 2 beautiful angel babies. My emotions were all over the place. I, of course, started crying as we were all talking. When Rhonda went to take my blood pressure it was extremely high, due to my anxiety... she didnt feel comfortable writing that BP number down so she decided to wait until i calmed down a bit and retook it at the end of our appointment and of course it had gone down to a normal level. We went in the room and talked about our history and what not, and then we went to the ultrasound room. I was full of nerves!! Well bc i was so so far along they were not able to do an abdominal ultrasound. They started the ultrasound and the baby was extremely tiny. All we could see on the screen was a TINY Tiny heartbeat. I though all along i was about 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant, but it turned out, i was measuring more toward 5 weeks and 3 days. The heartbeat was so tiny and was beating around 130 bpm. However, bc it was so tiny... Dr P said i was like "2 minutes pregnant!" ... they could not take any measurements, the baby was too small. Most doctor offices do not see patients until they are around 8 weeks pregnant, bc by then they can usually get better measurements. But of course, Dr P let me come in earlier given my history... Well they also could not tell us how many babies we are having... Talk about STRESS!! I have been told, that if I have twins again, odds are not in my favor. We are praying for one, but we also know that God is on our side, and he will not give us anything we cannot handle, and I know I am in good hands and have the best medical care anyone could ask for, so whatever will be, will be.
Dr P said he wants to start seeing me weekly until he can get good measurements. My next appointment is Thursday, July 15th. Because they really couldnt tell us anything at our first appt bc the baby was so small, Billy and i have still been very nervous and anxious. This year has really taken a toll on Billy and I, and FINALLY we have some positive in our life again and are extremely blessed to have been able to conceive again. Dr P stated that I will have my Cervical Cerclage surgery when I am around 13-15 weeks. He said it is a short procedure, maybe 15-20min and then usually i will be able to go home after a few hours, or possibly the following day. After that Billy and I have talked about possibly moving in to his parents house, on the beach, bc the stairs in our house will not help my cervix! So we shall see about that.
I am so thankful for this new baby, but will never ever forget or stop thinking about my 2 first born. I know my girls are up in Heaven watching over us, and watching over there new baby brother or sister.
I am also happy that i did not conceive any sooner. I was told by some, including a family friend/doctor, that i should wait about 6 months to try again. Yet, I was also told by my OB and a Family OB that I can start trying as soon as I had a menstral cycle. Well, now i see why some suggest waiting longer. On one aspect, yes, my body would have been able to conceive another baby shortly after my birth to Taylor and Riley, but mentally I feel I personally would not have been ready. Some may be ready, but for me... even waiting 5 months... its been a toll of different kinds of emotions. I was getting better with my crying... and taking it one day at a time, but recently I have caught myself crying a lot. I am so happy for this new baby, and I am so ready for it, but at the same time I am so nervous, after what I went through, and I am so scared, and I am also missing my daughters even more thinking they will not be here to meet their little brother or sister... but i know they will be looking from up above and will be here with us through this whole journey in spirit. It's all just very hard, but very exciting... just a sea of emotions.
I was talking to my sister last night and I was telling her how I hear all of these pregnant women talking about different things, that i know can induce labor... A part of me feels that I should let each and every one of them know the risks in what theyre doing. But i know, what happened to me and Billy doesnt happen to everyone... so why should i put my opinions on their lives? I think what it is is that i was never told about the chance of preterm labor. My doctors never gave me any information on it, and that is one thing that NEVER crossed my mind. I feel that it should be the doctors obligation to tell you about it. So i feel that if I would have known, maybe things could be different, or if someone would have told me to watch out for things... its just hard seeing some of the things pregnant women do, and know taht they are putting their unborn child at risk... to me its not worth it.
I was also talking about how most pregnant women announce they are pregnant after 13 weeks. I look back and to me, now, 13 weeks really doesnt mean everything is ok... you CAN still have a miscarriage, you CAN still be suseptible to risks... theres a lot more to be scared about!!! There are so many moms out there that have lost a child/children to many different things... I guess knowing now what i know, things can be a little scarier.
On another note. I am feeling good! I think some of my aversions are starting to come back... When I was pregnant with my girls, I could not stand to eat meat! Especially Turkey. and I made a Turkey enchilada casserole the other day, and my turkey aversion is def. back!! No more turkey for me for while!!!
July 12, 2010
I figured I would continue my blog, as it helps me look back on all of the emotions and memories I have had. My last blog was written on what was supposed to be my daughters due date.
The past month and a half have been a HUGE journey for Billy and I. We started off the month of June by taking a trip to Phoenix/Scottsdale, Arizona. It was an absolutely AMAZING trip... and also quite pricey!! I had never been before, and Billy was going for work, so we went up a few days early and spent some time together. We stayed at the W which was a beautiful hotel. WE shopped, ate tons, and did a little sight seeing. I also found my true love for cucumber martinis there!!
We went on a Hummer tour up the desert and got a lot of beautiful pictures. I also experienced eating cactus fries for the first time, and believe it or not, they were quite delicious! They were prickly pear cacti cut in to slivers and then fried... and it also came with prickly pear sauce!! Very Yummy!
We also went to a March of Dimes event in Tampa, at Tampa General. There was just us and one other family there as we were waiting to head up to the room where they were having the lil event. ** Side note, remember me blogging a while back about a mom that had twins and had a similar situation as I did, and she took the same meds and they helped prolong her labor for 10 weeks?** Well, that was the other family there, April, Patrick and their beautiful daughter Savannah! I finally got to meet April! It was nice catching up and discussing our stories, and we have kept in touch since that day...
I have also had the opportunity to meet with a few other moms that have also lost a child, and it helps knowing that you arent the only one feeling the way you do. Its almost as if we have exact stories on how we feel....
Now, Fathers Day was just around the corner, as well as Billys birthday. This was a HORRIBLE weekend for us. Not only were they reminders of what we were supposed to experience with our daughters, but Billys Uncle was also in Hospice during this time. Sunday was Fathers Day and of course Billy wasnt having too good of a day, neither was I. WE started the day off no where else but to go visit our girls. We brought them roses and were able to sit at their site and talk to them for a short while, after that We spent the afternoon having brunch with family and then decided to go home and take it easy for a while. The next day was Billys birthday. We were supposed to be spending this day with our girls. We had it all planned a long time ago, and kept thinking of how exciting it would be to have our first birthday celebrated with our twins...
Well on top of it being Billys birthday, we had some other bad news that day... Unfortunately, its a private topic, so I cannot share with all of you, but lets just say... our day didnt get any better.
A few days later I decided to take a pregnancy test. Billy and I had decided we were ready to start trying again. I took a test in May and also in April and was bummed out bc I wasnt pregnant. I began to see that i was becoming "fixated" on trying to conceive again and decided its better to let nature take its course and not fixate on this, it just wasnt healthy. I really wanted to take a test sooner, but decided i would wait until i missed a period. Well, sure enough I couldnt wait any longer, and i just had a feeling. Last time i was pregnant it was almost like my dog, Diamond, knew right away. She would act different, come around more, and she would love to just lay on top of my stomache... usually she lays down by my feet under the covers.
Well i took an EPT test and the test result was so light i couldnt tell if it was 2 lines, or one. Billy and I just kept staring at it.. Billy kept trying to pick it up to look at it closer, and i kept yelling at him to keep it flat so it would give it time to become more accurate!! well 10 minutes went by and the 2nd line was there but VERY light, so i called my brother in law over. He had NO clue what was going on... as soon as he came up the stairs in to the bedroom i had my camera on video taping him. I had him go in the bathroom, which he was very hesitant to do at first, and then i had him look at the test. I was so excited, and nervous, and everything all at once-- so was Billy. Well, Pat looked at it and said, "I think you better go get another test!" and then he proceeded to tell me not to get too excited and hype myself up bc the test didnt seem too clear...
I rushed to the car and drove to the Walgreens down the street and got a First Response test this time that says either pregnant or not pregnant. I tried chuggin down more water so i would be able to pee, and then took the test. Billy and I sat there for what felt like FOREVER! I was video taping Billy watching the test, and the lil hour glass keep blinking on the screen, and of course the second i stop recording the result appeared. Billy yelled, "Pregnant!" we were all very excited... and then the nerves set in... I was crying out of happiness, being scared, nervous, everything. and one of Billys remarks, of course after being very excited, was "Poor Taylor and Riley."
I know that our twin daughters will ALWAYS be with us and will forever live within our hearts. Not a day goes by that we dont think of them... or better yet, not a minute goes by we dont think of them... I have a tear in my eye just typing this. I still sleep with their toys every night and no matter where i stay, the toys are with me. I have not gone one night without sleeping with them... I also still wear the jewelry i have received with significance to my girls...
July 14th, Blog Continued...
Well, we of course shared our wonderful news with our family! Our first appointment was made for July 7th and boy oh boy was that a long 2 weeks of waiting full of anticipation!! We are going to the same doctor that delivered my beautiful Taylor and Riley. They were not who Billy and I started out our first pregnancy with, but they were the ones we chose for the delivery, and are so thankful to have met such an amazing doctor and his staff.
The day finally came and our appt was at 8:45am. We of course got there early and we werent seen until around 9:10. My favorite nurse, Rhonda, came and got us and she went to take my weight, blood pressure etc... at that moment everything started to sink in. The last time i was in that exact same chair was after i gave birth to my 2 beautiful angel babies. My emotions were all over the place. I, of course, started crying as we were all talking. When Rhonda went to take my blood pressure it was extremely high, due to my anxiety... she didnt feel comfortable writing that BP number down so she decided to wait until i calmed down a bit and retook it at the end of our appointment and of course it had gone down to a normal level. We went in the room and talked about our history and what not, and then we went to the ultrasound room. I was full of nerves!! Well bc i was so so far along they were not able to do an abdominal ultrasound. They started the ultrasound and the baby was extremely tiny. All we could see on the screen was a TINY Tiny heartbeat. I though all along i was about 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant, but it turned out, i was measuring more toward 5 weeks and 3 days. The heartbeat was so tiny and was beating around 130 bpm. However, bc it was so tiny... Dr P said i was like "2 minutes pregnant!" ... they could not take any measurements, the baby was too small. Most doctor offices do not see patients until they are around 8 weeks pregnant, bc by then they can usually get better measurements. But of course, Dr P let me come in earlier given my history... Well they also could not tell us how many babies we are having... Talk about STRESS!! I have been told, that if I have twins again, odds are not in my favor. We are praying for one, but we also know that God is on our side, and he will not give us anything we cannot handle, and I know I am in good hands and have the best medical care anyone could ask for, so whatever will be, will be.
Dr P said he wants to start seeing me weekly until he can get good measurements. My next appointment is Thursday, July 15th. Because they really couldnt tell us anything at our first appt bc the baby was so small, Billy and i have still been very nervous and anxious. This year has really taken a toll on Billy and I, and FINALLY we have some positive in our life again and are extremely blessed to have been able to conceive again. Dr P stated that I will have my Cervical Cerclage surgery when I am around 13-15 weeks. He said it is a short procedure, maybe 15-20min and then usually i will be able to go home after a few hours, or possibly the following day. After that Billy and I have talked about possibly moving in to his parents house, on the beach, bc the stairs in our house will not help my cervix! So we shall see about that.
I am so thankful for this new baby, but will never ever forget or stop thinking about my 2 first born. I know my girls are up in Heaven watching over us, and watching over there new baby brother or sister.
I am also happy that i did not conceive any sooner. I was told by some, including a family friend/doctor, that i should wait about 6 months to try again. Yet, I was also told by my OB and a Family OB that I can start trying as soon as I had a menstral cycle. Well, now i see why some suggest waiting longer. On one aspect, yes, my body would have been able to conceive another baby shortly after my birth to Taylor and Riley, but mentally I feel I personally would not have been ready. Some may be ready, but for me... even waiting 5 months... its been a toll of different kinds of emotions. I was getting better with my crying... and taking it one day at a time, but recently I have caught myself crying a lot. I am so happy for this new baby, and I am so ready for it, but at the same time I am so nervous, after what I went through, and I am so scared, and I am also missing my daughters even more thinking they will not be here to meet their little brother or sister... but i know they will be looking from up above and will be here with us through this whole journey in spirit. It's all just very hard, but very exciting... just a sea of emotions.
I was talking to my sister last night and I was telling her how I hear all of these pregnant women talking about different things, that i know can induce labor... A part of me feels that I should let each and every one of them know the risks in what theyre doing. But i know, what happened to me and Billy doesnt happen to everyone... so why should i put my opinions on their lives? I think what it is is that i was never told about the chance of preterm labor. My doctors never gave me any information on it, and that is one thing that NEVER crossed my mind. I feel that it should be the doctors obligation to tell you about it. So i feel that if I would have known, maybe things could be different, or if someone would have told me to watch out for things... its just hard seeing some of the things pregnant women do, and know taht they are putting their unborn child at risk... to me its not worth it.
I was also talking about how most pregnant women announce they are pregnant after 13 weeks. I look back and to me, now, 13 weeks really doesnt mean everything is ok... you CAN still have a miscarriage, you CAN still be suseptible to risks... theres a lot more to be scared about!!! There are so many moms out there that have lost a child/children to many different things... I guess knowing now what i know, things can be a little scarier.
On another note. I am feeling good! I think some of my aversions are starting to come back... When I was pregnant with my girls, I could not stand to eat meat! Especially Turkey. and I made a Turkey enchilada casserole the other day, and my turkey aversion is def. back!! No more turkey for me for while!!!
Announcement!
This is the e-mail we sent out to our family and friends!
To our friends and family,
These past 6 months have been really hard for Billy and I. After the loss of our daughters we have learned more about each others strength than we have ever known. We have also learned that we have a ton of support out there to help us through. After a few months we have decided that it was time to try and grow our family even more. Our doctors had explained to us that we could start trying again as soon as we were ready. June 20th was Billy's first Father's day and on the 21st was his 26th birthday. It was very rough for us celebrating these two events, our daughters were supposed to be here. Well, on the 23rd, we received a call first thing in the morning that Billys Uncle had passed away. It's like one thing after another was happening, of course our daughters death being the worst tragedy, and we were wondering when were we going to finally get good news? Well later that afternoon, I decided to take a pregnancy test. The first test was very light and the results were not very clear, so i took another one and sure enough, we are on to baby #3! Taylor and Riley will be big sisters!!!
We went to the doctor, our amazing doctor that delivered Taylor and Riley, and at our first appointment he was not able to tell how many we were having bc i was still very early on. Of course, Billy and I were scared, nervous, anxious, excited, every emotion you could possibly think of was going through us. We went back the following week and he was able to confirm ONE baby this time! That put us at ease.
I will have to go in for surgery at around 13-15 weeks, which will be around August 23rd, for them to sew my cervix. I will have to do this with every one of my following pregnancies. its a lil nerve racking, and will def bring up memories being in that operating room again, but with the strength of my husband behind me, along with friends family and GOD, and of course having my angels watching over me... i know I will get through it, it will be a success and will be well worth it for our 3rd child.
A few short weeks after that we will find out the sex of our lil one.
Our bright bundle of joy should be arriving late February early March.
I know most people share their news around 13 weeks, but to us, that is just a number, and as we know... anything can happen no matter how many weeks you are. The sooner we tell people the more prayers headed our way!
Thank you all for your support through everything. It means a lot, and we are definately looking forward to bringing a new addition to the Young family!
Love,
Ashley, Billy and of course our beautiful angels Taylor and Riley
P.S. - There are many moms and dad out there that Billy and I have met that have experienced what its like to be in our shoes, can you please keep them in your prayers as well?
To our friends and family,
These past 6 months have been really hard for Billy and I. After the loss of our daughters we have learned more about each others strength than we have ever known. We have also learned that we have a ton of support out there to help us through. After a few months we have decided that it was time to try and grow our family even more. Our doctors had explained to us that we could start trying again as soon as we were ready. June 20th was Billy's first Father's day and on the 21st was his 26th birthday. It was very rough for us celebrating these two events, our daughters were supposed to be here. Well, on the 23rd, we received a call first thing in the morning that Billys Uncle had passed away. It's like one thing after another was happening, of course our daughters death being the worst tragedy, and we were wondering when were we going to finally get good news? Well later that afternoon, I decided to take a pregnancy test. The first test was very light and the results were not very clear, so i took another one and sure enough, we are on to baby #3! Taylor and Riley will be big sisters!!!
We went to the doctor, our amazing doctor that delivered Taylor and Riley, and at our first appointment he was not able to tell how many we were having bc i was still very early on. Of course, Billy and I were scared, nervous, anxious, excited, every emotion you could possibly think of was going through us. We went back the following week and he was able to confirm ONE baby this time! That put us at ease.
I will have to go in for surgery at around 13-15 weeks, which will be around August 23rd, for them to sew my cervix. I will have to do this with every one of my following pregnancies. its a lil nerve racking, and will def bring up memories being in that operating room again, but with the strength of my husband behind me, along with friends family and GOD, and of course having my angels watching over me... i know I will get through it, it will be a success and will be well worth it for our 3rd child.
A few short weeks after that we will find out the sex of our lil one.
Our bright bundle of joy should be arriving late February early March.
I know most people share their news around 13 weeks, but to us, that is just a number, and as we know... anything can happen no matter how many weeks you are. The sooner we tell people the more prayers headed our way!
Thank you all for your support through everything. It means a lot, and we are definately looking forward to bringing a new addition to the Young family!
Love,
Ashley, Billy and of course our beautiful angels Taylor and Riley
P.S. - There are many moms and dad out there that Billy and I have met that have experienced what its like to be in our shoes, can you please keep them in your prayers as well?
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Taylor and Riley's "original" due date- May 24, 2010
I have found that the majority of my blogs sound depressing, and I usually refrain from putting ALL of my feelings down bc I dont want to upset anyone or hurt anyone else's feelings if I mention them, etc. So eventually i will begin to write in a confidential journal that only I could read. This way I can vent all of my thoughts without worrying about what is "ok" to type and what really isnt.
So, here I begin one of my last "public- depressing" blogs.
Tonight I sit at my computer in so much pain. My daughters due date was supposed to be tomorrow. I ask God, "why?" "why cant it still be?" These past 3 and a half months have been horrible, and I wonder, will I ever be myself again? will i ever be happy again? will i ever stop picking on my husband for all the little things, bc i have no where else to vent this built up anger inside of me?
This weekend Billy and I spent at the beach. Our friends Pat and Jess came over and it was nice, to try and take my mind off the obvious for a bit. The second they left my life came back to reality. This whole weekend I have tried to put on a "game face" and have told myself I am never going to get any where if i keep dwelling on the past. and dwelling on what is no longer here. It is just so hard to do that. As the poem goes, "When you lose a child you have lost your future..." That is so true. Everything in our lives was based on taylor and riley. From the moment we were trying to conceive, to the day we found out the great news that I was pregnant, to the day we found out even better news that we were having twins, to the day we found out even better news, that they were girls. We changed our schedules, I planned on stopping work for a while to raise them, Billy saved as much vacation as possible from last year so his time could roll over to this year to spend more time with the girls, I mean everything in our "future" was planned for us. Now what do we have? A future of what should have been? I know they say, everything happens for a reason, and God has a plan, and theres a bigger picture to all of this... but that is SO easy to SAY. Until you have lived in our shoes, until you have experienced a pain so heart wrenching... you have no idea. What is this bigger picture planned for us? what time will tell? All time has told me is that I cannot bare any of this. It hurts. Time has told me that the second i think i am "dealing" with things, i start going downhill again... the second i try to think positive, i think back and wonder how can anything positive come out of losing a child, let alone two. Sure Taylor and Riley were only here on this earth for a short while, but they are OUR WORLD. our everything, and now I sit, as I did a few hours ago... and just stare at an empty bench, at a headstone full of flowers... that what I have. That and a few pictures that cant be blown up bc the majority of the pictures were taken from camera phones. That and a few foot prints, 2 tiny outfits, etc. I would give up ALL of those things, I would give up anything just for one more second with them. Just to be able to fully share with them how much I love them, how long i waited for them. I was in so much pain on January 30th that it overcame my joy of meeting my daughters for the first time.
Tonight, around 9pm, I just grabbed my keys, opened the garage, jumped in my truck, and was stopped by my husband wondering where the heck i was going. I had NEVER done this before, I just wanted to go sit with my girls. Just me and them. Billy of course begged me not to go, but ultimately he could see the pain behind my eyes, and knew he had to let me go. I just wanted to be alone, just me and them. i drove to the cemetery, pulled my truck facing their site, so the head lights could stay on and shine on the site while i sat there, next to them, completely broken. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to bring them back. I just need to suck it up and face reality... but to me I would rather be blinded by it. Eventually, I got back in the truck and started to drive off, but just wasnt ready yet, so i stopped driving and sat and faced their site and talked to them a bit more. Theres 2 windmills that I have by their headstone, and as I sat talking to them, farther away from the truck, one of the windmills started spinning, and caught the light of the moon and was shining. Anytime i would say something, and then stop, the windmill would shine and start spinning again. Call me crazy, but i believe in signs and think this was a sign that they an hear me, no matter how far they are. I drove out of the cemetery and then turned around again, to just sit with them a little while longer. People must have thought I was nuts! Who cares? Im done with caring what other people think, Im done caring about how strong I used to be... Im done trying to put up a front... Yes, I have good days and I have bad days... but I never have an extremely happy day. will those days ever come back to me? Who knows.
I see everyone around me so happy. It's either this friend got engaged, or this friend is getting married, or this friend is having a baby, or this friend just had a baby... all of those happy days that Billy and I used to have are gone now.
Its so easy to see how soon people forget. Sure youre around right when things happen, but as time goes by, people start "forgetting" that feeling, that pain they felt that day at the funeral... Well, Billy and I havent forgotten, we live with that pain everyday.
As Billy has said over and over, he has to "deal" with me, and make sure Im ok... and people worry about me... but who is really thinking about him? Well, of course I am, but I am not going to lie, I have drained everything out of him... I have taken this so hard, that I am being selfish and I am "stealing the spotlight"... well wheres his? How fair is it for me to do this to him? I am just not strong enough to handle both, I can barely handle myself. I feel horrible for all of this pressure I put on him day in and day out... its just so hard to control at times. I can see that his pain is getting worse everyday as well and theres only so much he can hold in. I feel so bad for all of this.
I find it funny how when some people hear of our situation they become mute, some people say sorry and thats it, some people just stare at you and you can tell they are extremely uncomfortable, some people dont even want to try and understand, and then you have those people who try and compare completely off the wall stories with you on how they have "experienced" pain like this... Last night as we were with a group of older people, and it came mention to what happened with us one lady began to "share" her story with me on how her husband's son was born premature, at 4 months, and he was so tiny he could fit in one hand... UGH!!! that kills me the most is when people try to relate... I felt like saying, first off lady, it wasnt your child, so there is no way you can feel my pain, second off, there is no way your step son was born at 4 months and survived...organs arent even developed until 24 weeks. Then her friend felt compelled to share her story on how her husband, who was previously married, had twins that dies prematurely and then had twins again and only one made it the second time. The way she was telling "his" story was like nothing... its just like really? really people? what exactly would you like me to say to you? Neither one of them went through this... their husbands did and yet they felt compelled to share stories that were not completely accurate to someone that just went through all of this. That kills me more when people
"think" they know more than you on a subject that you have just experienced first hand... and the extremes they go too... like saying he was born at 4 months? You know I have talked to so many moms and dads that have experienced losing a child and not one of them act like these ladies did. Instead they try and let you know that they are there for you and can relate to how you feel...
Without all of these moms I dont know where Id be... They have been so encouraging and do helpful and are always there to listen.
Needless to say, tonight has been one of the bad ones... tomorrow will prob be just as worse. Tomorrow was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives, and now its one of the saddest.
I look to God for strength and some sort of encouragement. This is something WE will pull through, and we will do it together.
*Sigh* Now I feel better, I got a lot of this out!!! G'Night!
So, here I begin one of my last "public- depressing" blogs.
Tonight I sit at my computer in so much pain. My daughters due date was supposed to be tomorrow. I ask God, "why?" "why cant it still be?" These past 3 and a half months have been horrible, and I wonder, will I ever be myself again? will i ever be happy again? will i ever stop picking on my husband for all the little things, bc i have no where else to vent this built up anger inside of me?
This weekend Billy and I spent at the beach. Our friends Pat and Jess came over and it was nice, to try and take my mind off the obvious for a bit. The second they left my life came back to reality. This whole weekend I have tried to put on a "game face" and have told myself I am never going to get any where if i keep dwelling on the past. and dwelling on what is no longer here. It is just so hard to do that. As the poem goes, "When you lose a child you have lost your future..." That is so true. Everything in our lives was based on taylor and riley. From the moment we were trying to conceive, to the day we found out the great news that I was pregnant, to the day we found out even better news that we were having twins, to the day we found out even better news, that they were girls. We changed our schedules, I planned on stopping work for a while to raise them, Billy saved as much vacation as possible from last year so his time could roll over to this year to spend more time with the girls, I mean everything in our "future" was planned for us. Now what do we have? A future of what should have been? I know they say, everything happens for a reason, and God has a plan, and theres a bigger picture to all of this... but that is SO easy to SAY. Until you have lived in our shoes, until you have experienced a pain so heart wrenching... you have no idea. What is this bigger picture planned for us? what time will tell? All time has told me is that I cannot bare any of this. It hurts. Time has told me that the second i think i am "dealing" with things, i start going downhill again... the second i try to think positive, i think back and wonder how can anything positive come out of losing a child, let alone two. Sure Taylor and Riley were only here on this earth for a short while, but they are OUR WORLD. our everything, and now I sit, as I did a few hours ago... and just stare at an empty bench, at a headstone full of flowers... that what I have. That and a few pictures that cant be blown up bc the majority of the pictures were taken from camera phones. That and a few foot prints, 2 tiny outfits, etc. I would give up ALL of those things, I would give up anything just for one more second with them. Just to be able to fully share with them how much I love them, how long i waited for them. I was in so much pain on January 30th that it overcame my joy of meeting my daughters for the first time.
Tonight, around 9pm, I just grabbed my keys, opened the garage, jumped in my truck, and was stopped by my husband wondering where the heck i was going. I had NEVER done this before, I just wanted to go sit with my girls. Just me and them. Billy of course begged me not to go, but ultimately he could see the pain behind my eyes, and knew he had to let me go. I just wanted to be alone, just me and them. i drove to the cemetery, pulled my truck facing their site, so the head lights could stay on and shine on the site while i sat there, next to them, completely broken. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to bring them back. I just need to suck it up and face reality... but to me I would rather be blinded by it. Eventually, I got back in the truck and started to drive off, but just wasnt ready yet, so i stopped driving and sat and faced their site and talked to them a bit more. Theres 2 windmills that I have by their headstone, and as I sat talking to them, farther away from the truck, one of the windmills started spinning, and caught the light of the moon and was shining. Anytime i would say something, and then stop, the windmill would shine and start spinning again. Call me crazy, but i believe in signs and think this was a sign that they an hear me, no matter how far they are. I drove out of the cemetery and then turned around again, to just sit with them a little while longer. People must have thought I was nuts! Who cares? Im done with caring what other people think, Im done caring about how strong I used to be... Im done trying to put up a front... Yes, I have good days and I have bad days... but I never have an extremely happy day. will those days ever come back to me? Who knows.
I see everyone around me so happy. It's either this friend got engaged, or this friend is getting married, or this friend is having a baby, or this friend just had a baby... all of those happy days that Billy and I used to have are gone now.
Its so easy to see how soon people forget. Sure youre around right when things happen, but as time goes by, people start "forgetting" that feeling, that pain they felt that day at the funeral... Well, Billy and I havent forgotten, we live with that pain everyday.
As Billy has said over and over, he has to "deal" with me, and make sure Im ok... and people worry about me... but who is really thinking about him? Well, of course I am, but I am not going to lie, I have drained everything out of him... I have taken this so hard, that I am being selfish and I am "stealing the spotlight"... well wheres his? How fair is it for me to do this to him? I am just not strong enough to handle both, I can barely handle myself. I feel horrible for all of this pressure I put on him day in and day out... its just so hard to control at times. I can see that his pain is getting worse everyday as well and theres only so much he can hold in. I feel so bad for all of this.
I find it funny how when some people hear of our situation they become mute, some people say sorry and thats it, some people just stare at you and you can tell they are extremely uncomfortable, some people dont even want to try and understand, and then you have those people who try and compare completely off the wall stories with you on how they have "experienced" pain like this... Last night as we were with a group of older people, and it came mention to what happened with us one lady began to "share" her story with me on how her husband's son was born premature, at 4 months, and he was so tiny he could fit in one hand... UGH!!! that kills me the most is when people try to relate... I felt like saying, first off lady, it wasnt your child, so there is no way you can feel my pain, second off, there is no way your step son was born at 4 months and survived...organs arent even developed until 24 weeks. Then her friend felt compelled to share her story on how her husband, who was previously married, had twins that dies prematurely and then had twins again and only one made it the second time. The way she was telling "his" story was like nothing... its just like really? really people? what exactly would you like me to say to you? Neither one of them went through this... their husbands did and yet they felt compelled to share stories that were not completely accurate to someone that just went through all of this. That kills me more when people
"think" they know more than you on a subject that you have just experienced first hand... and the extremes they go too... like saying he was born at 4 months? You know I have talked to so many moms and dads that have experienced losing a child and not one of them act like these ladies did. Instead they try and let you know that they are there for you and can relate to how you feel...
Without all of these moms I dont know where Id be... They have been so encouraging and do helpful and are always there to listen.
Needless to say, tonight has been one of the bad ones... tomorrow will prob be just as worse. Tomorrow was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives, and now its one of the saddest.
I look to God for strength and some sort of encouragement. This is something WE will pull through, and we will do it together.
*Sigh* Now I feel better, I got a lot of this out!!! G'Night!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
May 20, 2010
As the days near closer to the 24th, I have been having more anxiety, and more bad days. I have been getting mad at the littlest things. Many people have asked me about Taylor and Riley's due date, most may remember it was originally June 7th. However, because I was having twins, my doctor said that he would induce me May 24th if I hadn't delivered by then. I would have been 38 weeks at that time and it would have been fine for them to come. Billy gets upset with me for dwelling on that date, bc most women do not deliver on their original due date, and since the girls were already born, May 24th is no longer their "due date", but to me that date is a reminder of "what should have been". If I had made it to next week my girls would have been fine, and come time for Billy's birthday, he would have had 2 beautiful girls to sit and watch him open his gifts, to hug and kiss him, to be there filling our lives with so much joy and so many momentous occassions. Instead, they are now in Heaven. Sure they will be there in spirit, but the pain of me wanting to hold them in my arms lingers.
Many say that the days will soon get easier to handle, not forget, but handle. I have yet to see those days. And dont think I will for some time now.
Their clothes are still hanging in their closet. The basket full of "baby goodies" is still sitting by the door with their 2 baby bibs that read, "Daddy's Angels". Who would have thought that saying would be more true? Now they are Daddy's Angels, Literally. How fair is that? How fair is it that other moms get to enjoy their children, while mine rest peacefully in Heaven? I guess we can be reminded that yes, they are peaceful now.
Last Friday I went down to the Social Security office and FINALLY applied for their Social Security Numbers. I had to wait for a few things before I could actually apply. We should be getting them in 2-3 weeks. What a horrible day that was.
Constantly I am getting reminders that they are no longer with us. This happened almost 4 months ago and yet things still arent complete for them. It's amazing how much work and stress goes in to the process of having your baby die.
On another note, my brother-in-law, Pat, bought the girls a bench for their site. It just came in and is PERFECT! It reads, "MY BEAUTIFUL NIECES, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH." It was very sweet of him to do that for the girls. Now we have a place to sit while we visit (which might I add is VERY often!) When I walked out and saw the bench I was so happy it was FINALLY there! We have been wiating on it for 3 months now, and now their site is finally complete! Walking away from the site brought me to tears. Driving back to work I couldnt fight off the tears. It still pains me, almost like the wounds are brand new. As mentioned in one of my previous blogs, who would ever think they would look forward to the day that the site for their child/children was complete. This brought me some reassurance that they are gone, they arent coming back. i dream at night and imagine what it would have been like had things turned out for the better, but that is not a reality for me.. it is but yet a dream.
I am still getting things in the mail and constant e-mails reminding me how many weeks i would have been. Just the other day I recieved 2 cans of baby formula in the mail. These are reminders I would like to go away to say the least! The reminders I love receiving are cards from friends! The other day I looked in the mail and found a card from one of my sorority sisters I hadn't seen in a while. Probably since I graduated in 2005!! Well, I opened it up and it was a gift card from 7 of my sorority sisters, and it read "Have a date night out on us!" That was so sweet. I was shocked and humbled at the same time. I was close to these girls in college, but through the years we have all lost touch, and for them to think of me brought me to tears! Thank you Leah, Brittany, Keri, Christi, Casey, Breana, and Katie!
My sorority is a SISTERHOOD and we will always be there for each other, and nothing proved that more than this year having to go through this. So many of my sisters have reached out to Billy and I. So many have donated to the March of Dimes or sent us cards and e-mails. "OBIC" is there for a reason and I truly believe that. I know Taylor and Riley are up in Heaven joined with all of the other ADPI's that have passed away.
My blogs arent as common as they used to be. It seems as if my days remain busy, but now i keep a lil journal to post notes in it on what i am thinking. That also helps me.
Some Positivity for the night... One of my sorority sisters has been going through the adoption process. She has been trying to adopt a baby from Ethiopia and YAY, she finally received news that her baby boy was born. She is going to go visit him in the next few weeks, and hopes to bring him home in the next few months. She posted a video of her and her husband seeing their son for the first time through a picture, and you could totally grasp the joy, love and happiness in their faces. Watching the video brought my tears rolling! I am so happy for them, but watching their video also pained me a bit. I was so happy when I met my daughters for the first time, but my happines was overcome with pain. I had tears of joy and tears of hurt all that day. Tears of joy and tears of pain still today.
Many say that the days will soon get easier to handle, not forget, but handle. I have yet to see those days. And dont think I will for some time now.
Their clothes are still hanging in their closet. The basket full of "baby goodies" is still sitting by the door with their 2 baby bibs that read, "Daddy's Angels". Who would have thought that saying would be more true? Now they are Daddy's Angels, Literally. How fair is that? How fair is it that other moms get to enjoy their children, while mine rest peacefully in Heaven? I guess we can be reminded that yes, they are peaceful now.
Last Friday I went down to the Social Security office and FINALLY applied for their Social Security Numbers. I had to wait for a few things before I could actually apply. We should be getting them in 2-3 weeks. What a horrible day that was.
Constantly I am getting reminders that they are no longer with us. This happened almost 4 months ago and yet things still arent complete for them. It's amazing how much work and stress goes in to the process of having your baby die.
On another note, my brother-in-law, Pat, bought the girls a bench for their site. It just came in and is PERFECT! It reads, "MY BEAUTIFUL NIECES, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH." It was very sweet of him to do that for the girls. Now we have a place to sit while we visit (which might I add is VERY often!) When I walked out and saw the bench I was so happy it was FINALLY there! We have been wiating on it for 3 months now, and now their site is finally complete! Walking away from the site brought me to tears. Driving back to work I couldnt fight off the tears. It still pains me, almost like the wounds are brand new. As mentioned in one of my previous blogs, who would ever think they would look forward to the day that the site for their child/children was complete. This brought me some reassurance that they are gone, they arent coming back. i dream at night and imagine what it would have been like had things turned out for the better, but that is not a reality for me.. it is but yet a dream.
I am still getting things in the mail and constant e-mails reminding me how many weeks i would have been. Just the other day I recieved 2 cans of baby formula in the mail. These are reminders I would like to go away to say the least! The reminders I love receiving are cards from friends! The other day I looked in the mail and found a card from one of my sorority sisters I hadn't seen in a while. Probably since I graduated in 2005!! Well, I opened it up and it was a gift card from 7 of my sorority sisters, and it read "Have a date night out on us!" That was so sweet. I was shocked and humbled at the same time. I was close to these girls in college, but through the years we have all lost touch, and for them to think of me brought me to tears! Thank you Leah, Brittany, Keri, Christi, Casey, Breana, and Katie!
My sorority is a SISTERHOOD and we will always be there for each other, and nothing proved that more than this year having to go through this. So many of my sisters have reached out to Billy and I. So many have donated to the March of Dimes or sent us cards and e-mails. "OBIC" is there for a reason and I truly believe that. I know Taylor and Riley are up in Heaven joined with all of the other ADPI's that have passed away.
My blogs arent as common as they used to be. It seems as if my days remain busy, but now i keep a lil journal to post notes in it on what i am thinking. That also helps me.
Some Positivity for the night... One of my sorority sisters has been going through the adoption process. She has been trying to adopt a baby from Ethiopia and YAY, she finally received news that her baby boy was born. She is going to go visit him in the next few weeks, and hopes to bring him home in the next few months. She posted a video of her and her husband seeing their son for the first time through a picture, and you could totally grasp the joy, love and happiness in their faces. Watching the video brought my tears rolling! I am so happy for them, but watching their video also pained me a bit. I was so happy when I met my daughters for the first time, but my happines was overcome with pain. I had tears of joy and tears of hurt all that day. Tears of joy and tears of pain still today.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The first of many painful Mother's days...
Tonight i sit at my computer completely missing my husband, and even more my daughters. I was feeling a little too tired to blog, but my tears wouldnt stop, so thought this might help release some anxiety. I left Saturday for a vacation with my family. My mom, dad, sisters and their significant others and my hubby. Billy and i had discussed if I wanted to go away given what weekend it was, but i decided that it would prob be better to be away than to just sit and be upset at home all day Sunday, Mothers day. On Saturday we started our departure for our lil vacation... and the first stop, was of course, to see my angels. I wanted to give them a little somethiing before i left for a few days, so i took them two beautiful balloons. One was a precious moments balloon and the other a balloon that said, "Its a girl!" I wrote a note on each balloon for the girls. It pained me to much to do that... but it was my way of saying that i was thinking of them. I cried so hard tying the balloons to the vase on their head stone. I am crying so hard just writing this. Who would have thought that i would be trying to send my love to my daughters through a balloon and not through hugs and kisses?
I really had no idea what Sunday would have been like for me... i can tell you this though, i wanst looking forward to it.
I woke up Sunday morning to a phone full of text messages. I remember i had rolled over and thought to myself, "i really do not want to get up today, and i really do not want to face what today is..." But eventually, around 10 I pulled myself up. My family was all in the living room of the condo on the beach, and they all wished me a happy mothers day. I kind of took that with a grain of salt. I then walked outside to find my husband talking to his mom. He handed me the phone and my mother in law wished me a happy mothers day, you could hear the pain behind her voice as her words crackled when she said them to me. She could feel some what of my pain... and just that early it was a hard day for her too... i couldnt say anything back but a weak, "Happy mothers day to you too..." as i passed the phone back to billy with my eyes full of tears. I went inside, my mom had made a breakfast casserole for us all... i sat on the couch and my mom began to give me my gifts... it hurt so bad knowing i was getting gifts for being a mom, when my children werent even there to share in that moment. Well, I guess they were there, watching from up above. My mom gave me here gift and i was able to get through that, and then i started to open the gift from my aunt, Tia Chucha, and i had to set the card down and take a deep breathe. Then I finally was able to open her gift, it was a beautiful necklace with a pendant that read, " A mother holds her child's hand for a short while, but their hearts forever." It is beautiful. Then I began to open my gifts from my husband and of course, my dogs and most importantly Taylor and Riley. Joba and Diamond got me chopsticks that I have been wanting! LOL... Billy got me a Dolce and Gabbana watch and a hand mixer... and then he gave me my gift from my girls, it was the most beautiful gift... a pendant of a mother and twins... It was beautiful... i had seen this pendant before, and really liked it, but i always only saw it with one baby... never a mother and her twins... leave it to my husband to find the perfect gift!
Throughout the day I recieved tons of calls, texts, e-mails, but i was just not up to really talking to anyone... I have a ton of calls to return!! I was very thankful to have so many people thinking of me and my girls... i am truly blessed.
Mothers day was extremely hard... but i was able to manage pretty well given the circumstances.
Monday morning my hubby had to leave for work. I took him to the airport at 4:30am. I was happy he was able to spend mothers day with me, and saturday.
Today I came home from the beach and was completely embraced by my girls as i walked in. I love having their BEAUTIFUL pictures up. They are so welcoming when i walk in to my house. I have had it hard tonight... Missing my hubby a lot. He has been my backbone through this all. Cant wait to have him back on Thursday!
For those that dont know, Billy and I have had numerous conversations on when to try for another child, and we both decided we are ready. We are putting it in God's hands, and are not putting a rush to when HE feels the time is right.
This month was the girls original due date... May 24th to be exact. It hurts thinking they should be here, but i know they are peaceful in Heaven... and thats what i try to remind myself every time i get upset.
I feel that some people just cant grasp what is gone... they cant grasp the emptiness i feel, the emptiness my husband and i both share. Maybe in time it will become understandable, maybe not... All I know is that I miss my daughters more than anyone can imagine, and i love them more than anything.
Here's a Picture of the frame we got Billy's mom for Mother'd Day, she loved it!
I really had no idea what Sunday would have been like for me... i can tell you this though, i wanst looking forward to it.
I woke up Sunday morning to a phone full of text messages. I remember i had rolled over and thought to myself, "i really do not want to get up today, and i really do not want to face what today is..." But eventually, around 10 I pulled myself up. My family was all in the living room of the condo on the beach, and they all wished me a happy mothers day. I kind of took that with a grain of salt. I then walked outside to find my husband talking to his mom. He handed me the phone and my mother in law wished me a happy mothers day, you could hear the pain behind her voice as her words crackled when she said them to me. She could feel some what of my pain... and just that early it was a hard day for her too... i couldnt say anything back but a weak, "Happy mothers day to you too..." as i passed the phone back to billy with my eyes full of tears. I went inside, my mom had made a breakfast casserole for us all... i sat on the couch and my mom began to give me my gifts... it hurt so bad knowing i was getting gifts for being a mom, when my children werent even there to share in that moment. Well, I guess they were there, watching from up above. My mom gave me here gift and i was able to get through that, and then i started to open the gift from my aunt, Tia Chucha, and i had to set the card down and take a deep breathe. Then I finally was able to open her gift, it was a beautiful necklace with a pendant that read, " A mother holds her child's hand for a short while, but their hearts forever." It is beautiful. Then I began to open my gifts from my husband and of course, my dogs and most importantly Taylor and Riley. Joba and Diamond got me chopsticks that I have been wanting! LOL... Billy got me a Dolce and Gabbana watch and a hand mixer... and then he gave me my gift from my girls, it was the most beautiful gift... a pendant of a mother and twins... It was beautiful... i had seen this pendant before, and really liked it, but i always only saw it with one baby... never a mother and her twins... leave it to my husband to find the perfect gift!
Throughout the day I recieved tons of calls, texts, e-mails, but i was just not up to really talking to anyone... I have a ton of calls to return!! I was very thankful to have so many people thinking of me and my girls... i am truly blessed.
Mothers day was extremely hard... but i was able to manage pretty well given the circumstances.
Monday morning my hubby had to leave for work. I took him to the airport at 4:30am. I was happy he was able to spend mothers day with me, and saturday.
Today I came home from the beach and was completely embraced by my girls as i walked in. I love having their BEAUTIFUL pictures up. They are so welcoming when i walk in to my house. I have had it hard tonight... Missing my hubby a lot. He has been my backbone through this all. Cant wait to have him back on Thursday!
For those that dont know, Billy and I have had numerous conversations on when to try for another child, and we both decided we are ready. We are putting it in God's hands, and are not putting a rush to when HE feels the time is right.
This month was the girls original due date... May 24th to be exact. It hurts thinking they should be here, but i know they are peaceful in Heaven... and thats what i try to remind myself every time i get upset.
I feel that some people just cant grasp what is gone... they cant grasp the emptiness i feel, the emptiness my husband and i both share. Maybe in time it will become understandable, maybe not... All I know is that I miss my daughters more than anyone can imagine, and i love them more than anything.
Here's a Picture of the frame we got Billy's mom for Mother'd Day, she loved it!
"I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel
A new song that hits home...
It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Is just the way that we are tied in
But there's no one home
I grieve for you
And you leave me
So hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
Say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on
The news that truly shocks
Is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks
Its empty, empty cage
And I can't handle this
I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
Say life carries on
Say life carries on and on and on
Life carries on in the people I meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rod and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Just the car that we ride in
The home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
As life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Did I dream this belief
Or did I believe this dream
Now I will find relief
I grieve
It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Is just the way that you were tied in
Now there's no one home
I grieve for you
And you leave me
It's so hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
And still life carries on
Carries on and on, and on, and on
The news that truly shocks
Is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks
Its empty, empty cage
And I can't handle this
I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on, and on, and on
Life carries on in the people I meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on, and on, and on
Life carries on and on, and on
It's just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on, and on, and on
Life carries on and on and on
Did I dream this belief
Or did I believe this dream
Now I can find relief
I grieve
It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Is just the way that we are tied in
But there's no one home
I grieve for you
And you leave me
So hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
Say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on
The news that truly shocks
Is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks
Its empty, empty cage
And I can't handle this
I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
Say life carries on
Say life carries on and on and on
Life carries on in the people I meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rod and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Just the car that we ride in
The home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
As life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Did I dream this belief
Or did I believe this dream
Now I will find relief
I grieve
It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Is just the way that you were tied in
Now there's no one home
I grieve for you
And you leave me
It's so hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
And still life carries on
Carries on and on, and on, and on
The news that truly shocks
Is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks
Its empty, empty cage
And I can't handle this
I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on, and on, and on
Life carries on in the people I meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on, and on, and on
Life carries on and on, and on
It's just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on, and on, and on
Life carries on and on and on
Did I dream this belief
Or did I believe this dream
Now I can find relief
I grieve
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