Thursday was seriously one of the worst nights I had since my girls past away. I have been under a lot of stress, worry, anxiety, etc and Thursday it all hit me so hard. I felt like a huge truck was just sitting on my chest and would not get off. I couldnt breathe, couldnt relax, tried everything and i just couldnt get a breathe. It was almost to the point where i thought i was gonna have to make a trip to the ER.
I went and saw my counselor and was able to get most of my anxiety out... i drove through Starbucks on the way to my appointment, and the lady that handed me my drink could tell i was having a rough day, and she was so sincere and nice. After counseling i thought the day would be better, like it usually is after counseling, but man was i wrong!
That night I went to dinner with my girl friend, Aelon, and was hysterical. I was crying and couldnt stop... i have tried so hard not to break down in public. and there it went, i am sure people were staring wondering what was going on. It felt good, at that point i kind of didnt care what people were thinking.
I came home and had a complete break down. Thank God Billy was home. He was able to calm me a little.
On Friday, i woke up and really was not feeling well. My chest hurt so bad. Its horrible missing someone, and in my case 2 someones, and not being able to see them, talk to them, etc...
I miss my daughters SO much, and that is an understatment... I just cant find the right words to totally grasp how much i miss them.
Friday night I baked cupcakes for our little get together on Staurday. My friend Melissa and my sister came over to help. It was weird, at one point I wanted to do everything, These were for my girls, for the people that were coming over after the MOD walk in memory of taylor and riley. I felt like this was something that i would be doing for them while they were alive, and i just wanted to do it al by myself. I didnt want help decorating, but then i realized i was prob being silly and it didnt matter if I had help decorating them... They were so cute... and yummy!
Im getting a little tired, this weekend wore me out... Ill finish the blog tomorrow!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
When Hello Means Goodbye -April 21, 2010
“When your parent dies
You’ve lost your past,
When your child dies
You’ve lost your future…”
Recently I found a book that the hospital gave me, but I had left it in a folder from the hospital, which I didn’t re-open until now. This book was titled, “When Hello Means Goodbye.”
I have started reading it, its only 52 pages, but it’s hard to get through at times. The book describes how most parents feel after their child passes. I have related to this SOO much! Some physical symptoms it mentions are: physical exhaustion, heaviness in your chest, a need to take a deep breath, appetite loss, nightmares, and most importantly aching arms. Oh man, have I experience all of the above! My appetite loss has pretty much gone away, but everything else is still there. I think what’s worse are the “aching arms”. I miss my daughters, I miss not being able to hold them and have them here with me.
I think about the title of the book… “When hello means goodbye” How true, how sad. Why did our hello have to mean goodbye. Think about those words for a minute. I remember seeing them and knowing that was it. I was so happy to have been able to say hello, and I love you to my babies, but why did I have to say goodbye? Just thinking about those words makes me tear up.
Another thing in the book was “emotions”. I have noticed lately that I have in a way distanced myself from my everyday life. I used to love going out with friends, I loved being the center of attention (as selfish as that sounds!), I loved going to events, and parties, etc. Now, its hard to go places, especially without my husband. Now, I have noticed myself trying to blend in to the “backdrop”. The book states, “ You may feel invisible to others, especially in large crowds. Because others cannot see the pain that is encompassing you, you will imagine that they cannot see you.” I have noticed that, but I have also noticed that I try not to be seen. I never know when I something is going to hit me like a brick, and I am just going to breakdown. I can be anywhere.
Monday I went to the pharmacy to pick up Diamonds meds and the pharmacist noticed I wasn’t pregnant anymore and asked what I had. Ugh!! You know what that felt like? I was happy that she noticed that I was even pregnant to begin with, and took the time to care and ask about my daughters, but at the same time it hurt having to tell her what happened. It hurts every time I tell the story, but then again, I love being asked bc that means people are still thinking of my Taylor and Riley. All the pharmacist kept saying was, “Im so sorry, Im so sorry.” Then a few minutes later I went to the register at Publix and the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the March of Dimes. I told her that it was a great cause, and that my husband and I have started a team that has raised over $6K in memory of my daughters that were pre-term. At one point I wanted to turn and ask her, “I know you are told to ask if the customer wants to donate, but do you even know what this cause supports?” That would have been so rude of me!! But I was able to hold back from saying that!
Further more the book mentioned what I have said over and over again since this happened… it mentioned that everyone grieves differently and my grief will not lessen just because the grief of another person is perceived to be greater. Like I used to think… would it be worse to lose the girls now, or lose them when they were older? And there is no answer, some may think itd be harder as a parent to lose their child later on in life because they “knew them” and had memories and what not. But I see it differently. That parents grief is neither stronger or lesser than mine. We both are grieving and we both have a right to feel the way we feel. And regardless of what people say, I knew my daughters. I knew they didn’t like Chik-Fil-A or meat (especially Chicken!), I knew they loved cereal, I knew their kicks and I saw their smiles through ultrasounds, and their personalities. I knew my daughters. Yes, I never knew their eye color, or what their voice sounded like, but I knew them. The book also mentioned another thing that I have said over and over… that some people might say to you, “ You are young. You can always have another baby.” UGH!!!! And I actually wrote “UGH!” in the book next to that line! No future child/children of ours will ever replace Taylor and Riley. I may indeed give birth to another child, but this will be ANOTHER child, not a substitute for Taylor and Riley. I wish people would realize that! I have spoken to other moms whose child has passed away, and they cringe when someone tells them that too!
A beautiful poem by Pat Scwiebert… “Please Don’t Tell Them You Never Got To Know Me”
“It is I whose kicks you will always remember,
I who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy,
I who couldn’t seem to tell time and got your days and nights mixed up.
It is I who acknowledged your craving for peach ice cream by
Knocking the cold bowl off your belly.
I who went shopping and helped you pick out the “perfect” teddy bear for me,
I who liked to be cradled in your belly and rocked off to dreamy slumber by the fire,
It is I who never had a doubt about your love,
It is I who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant.”
How more perfect can that poem be? I loved it!
You know people say you truly find out who your friends are in a time of need. OH MAN have we!!! I find it funny, bc the song “Find out who your friends are” was the song behind the slideshow we gave to our wedding party. That’s how we asked them to be in our wedding, through that slideshow, with that PERFECT song! You know the people who we have expected to be there for us, most of them are, but then there are a few that haven’t even called!!! Can you believe that? No e-mail, no text, no card, no call, NOTHING! I know Facebook is horrible, but I every now and then will look at their FB page and see their updates about this party, and that party, and how much fun they had at this event and that… I just want to call them up and tell them off. How can you be so important in our lives, yet at the time we need you there the most, you aren’t there? There are also the friends that called at the beginning, almost 3 months ago, and haven’t called since, not even to see how we are doing. Last I checked, Billy and I have been there for all of you when you needed something, whether it was something big or small, we were still there. At first we thought, well… maybe they just don’t know what to say. Or maybe they are nervous, etc. But honestly, you were our closest friends, and at this time you cant even pick up the phone? I would so like to just call everyone of you out… but then that would be wrong. My best friend, Melissa, knew I wouldn’t answer her calls, and knows that I still wont depending on the day I am having, yet I know she is there if I need her. She has sent me so many cards, just because. Other friends of mine know talking isn’t really the way to go, so they’ll send me a text, or an e-mail just to say hi and to let them know if I need anything… so for us to still use the excuse, “Maybe they are nervous, or don’t know what to say…” that’s just not right. What’s a text hurt? What does that take a whole 5 seconds out of your day? I guess Billy and I are a little disappointed and a little caught off guard.
I also think some people just don’t know how to feel. They have never lost a child. Cant understand the emptiness Billy and I feel. We didn’t just lose one child, we had 2 pass away. Two children on the same day. We had to burry our two daughters. This is the worst thing and the worst pain I have ever felt.
“You couldn’t live apart from me.
What will I do apart from you?”
To keep going on what I read in the book, it also mentioned that your body doesn’t know that your baby died. This is so true. I had every bit of what happens after you give birth. I wished that my body understood what I was going through and wouldn’t put me in any more pain. No to be gross, but why did I have to produce milk? My girls were no longer here to have it. I remember the pain that went a long with it. Every day I would get upset just thinking about who it was meant for. Also after the birth I remember still feeling the “babies kicking”. It almost wasn’t real to me. The book describes that most women feel this after pregnancy because they are so used to it… But why did I have to relive what just happened. And in reality my girls were supposed to still be in there kicking playfully.
“ I don’t want to be happy
…Not just now.
I have a reason to be sad.
I earned it.
You see,
My life as I knew it
Has ended.”
I still cry, I think I have every right to. I have done better about talking about it, but I don’t think I will ever be back to my old self. I have this fake smile on my face constantly. I realize that I cannot change the past. I know that as long as I put my fate in the hands of God, he will guide me. I have seen that every day is getting a little easier. I still have days when I am a complete mess, but that mess is easier to handle! I love that people ask about what happened that day, I love that they are still thinking about Taylor and Riley and us. I love that they care enough about us to ask.
My grandmother sent me a beautiful card this week. We used to write back and forth to one another fairly often. But since the girls passed away I haven’t found too much motivation to really do anything. She wrote about how she is praying for Billy and I and that she often thinks of us and Taylor and Riley. She said that she missed my letters, but she understands the time I need to heal. It touched my heart, just as all of her sweet letters do, but for some reason this one had me completely balling! My grandmother and I have a language barrier, but we still have found ways to communicate.
My husband has been away on business this week, and came back TONIGHT! Every trip he goes on gets a little easier. I mainly try to stay busy! This week I was able to clean, clean, clean! WEll i walked in the door from work to a delicious smell... I aksed what he was cooking, and he said, "The first dinner I ever made for you!" -- it was so sweet and so delicious!! It was his yummy pasta, chicken, salad, breadsick, and wine!! He is so perfect, and after a year and a half of marriage he still does the little things and is always thinking of me!
Also, our shirts for the walk FINALLY got here! They are very cute. Only thing is the print shop had to do some editing to the colors we had originally given to them, and the girls on the shirts turned out YELLOW!!! Other than that they are cute!! The walk is Saturday and we have raised $6,905!!! Our original goal was $5K… so we have raised almost $2K more than what we originally hoped for!! That doesn’t even include the amount my aunts raised for the walk in Orlando in memory of my girls!! We are extremely excited to have raised that much in 2 months!!! Just think about how much we can raise next year when we have a lot more time to campaign!! I know my girls are looking down on us and are very proud!!
I called the MOD coordinator to find out info on the walk, and she asked are you with Team Taylor and Riley and I said yes, and she said, "You guys are awesome!" I guess she was shocked on how much we have raised!!
Thanks for all of the support, thanks for taking the time to read my blog, thanks for keeping us in your prayers, and thanks most of all for remembering my Taylor Anne and my Riley Grace.
You’ve lost your past,
When your child dies
You’ve lost your future…”
Recently I found a book that the hospital gave me, but I had left it in a folder from the hospital, which I didn’t re-open until now. This book was titled, “When Hello Means Goodbye.”
I have started reading it, its only 52 pages, but it’s hard to get through at times. The book describes how most parents feel after their child passes. I have related to this SOO much! Some physical symptoms it mentions are: physical exhaustion, heaviness in your chest, a need to take a deep breath, appetite loss, nightmares, and most importantly aching arms. Oh man, have I experience all of the above! My appetite loss has pretty much gone away, but everything else is still there. I think what’s worse are the “aching arms”. I miss my daughters, I miss not being able to hold them and have them here with me.
I think about the title of the book… “When hello means goodbye” How true, how sad. Why did our hello have to mean goodbye. Think about those words for a minute. I remember seeing them and knowing that was it. I was so happy to have been able to say hello, and I love you to my babies, but why did I have to say goodbye? Just thinking about those words makes me tear up.
Another thing in the book was “emotions”. I have noticed lately that I have in a way distanced myself from my everyday life. I used to love going out with friends, I loved being the center of attention (as selfish as that sounds!), I loved going to events, and parties, etc. Now, its hard to go places, especially without my husband. Now, I have noticed myself trying to blend in to the “backdrop”. The book states, “ You may feel invisible to others, especially in large crowds. Because others cannot see the pain that is encompassing you, you will imagine that they cannot see you.” I have noticed that, but I have also noticed that I try not to be seen. I never know when I something is going to hit me like a brick, and I am just going to breakdown. I can be anywhere.
Monday I went to the pharmacy to pick up Diamonds meds and the pharmacist noticed I wasn’t pregnant anymore and asked what I had. Ugh!! You know what that felt like? I was happy that she noticed that I was even pregnant to begin with, and took the time to care and ask about my daughters, but at the same time it hurt having to tell her what happened. It hurts every time I tell the story, but then again, I love being asked bc that means people are still thinking of my Taylor and Riley. All the pharmacist kept saying was, “Im so sorry, Im so sorry.” Then a few minutes later I went to the register at Publix and the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the March of Dimes. I told her that it was a great cause, and that my husband and I have started a team that has raised over $6K in memory of my daughters that were pre-term. At one point I wanted to turn and ask her, “I know you are told to ask if the customer wants to donate, but do you even know what this cause supports?” That would have been so rude of me!! But I was able to hold back from saying that!
Further more the book mentioned what I have said over and over again since this happened… it mentioned that everyone grieves differently and my grief will not lessen just because the grief of another person is perceived to be greater. Like I used to think… would it be worse to lose the girls now, or lose them when they were older? And there is no answer, some may think itd be harder as a parent to lose their child later on in life because they “knew them” and had memories and what not. But I see it differently. That parents grief is neither stronger or lesser than mine. We both are grieving and we both have a right to feel the way we feel. And regardless of what people say, I knew my daughters. I knew they didn’t like Chik-Fil-A or meat (especially Chicken!), I knew they loved cereal, I knew their kicks and I saw their smiles through ultrasounds, and their personalities. I knew my daughters. Yes, I never knew their eye color, or what their voice sounded like, but I knew them. The book also mentioned another thing that I have said over and over… that some people might say to you, “ You are young. You can always have another baby.” UGH!!!! And I actually wrote “UGH!” in the book next to that line! No future child/children of ours will ever replace Taylor and Riley. I may indeed give birth to another child, but this will be ANOTHER child, not a substitute for Taylor and Riley. I wish people would realize that! I have spoken to other moms whose child has passed away, and they cringe when someone tells them that too!
A beautiful poem by Pat Scwiebert… “Please Don’t Tell Them You Never Got To Know Me”
“It is I whose kicks you will always remember,
I who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy,
I who couldn’t seem to tell time and got your days and nights mixed up.
It is I who acknowledged your craving for peach ice cream by
Knocking the cold bowl off your belly.
I who went shopping and helped you pick out the “perfect” teddy bear for me,
I who liked to be cradled in your belly and rocked off to dreamy slumber by the fire,
It is I who never had a doubt about your love,
It is I who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant.”
How more perfect can that poem be? I loved it!
You know people say you truly find out who your friends are in a time of need. OH MAN have we!!! I find it funny, bc the song “Find out who your friends are” was the song behind the slideshow we gave to our wedding party. That’s how we asked them to be in our wedding, through that slideshow, with that PERFECT song! You know the people who we have expected to be there for us, most of them are, but then there are a few that haven’t even called!!! Can you believe that? No e-mail, no text, no card, no call, NOTHING! I know Facebook is horrible, but I every now and then will look at their FB page and see their updates about this party, and that party, and how much fun they had at this event and that… I just want to call them up and tell them off. How can you be so important in our lives, yet at the time we need you there the most, you aren’t there? There are also the friends that called at the beginning, almost 3 months ago, and haven’t called since, not even to see how we are doing. Last I checked, Billy and I have been there for all of you when you needed something, whether it was something big or small, we were still there. At first we thought, well… maybe they just don’t know what to say. Or maybe they are nervous, etc. But honestly, you were our closest friends, and at this time you cant even pick up the phone? I would so like to just call everyone of you out… but then that would be wrong. My best friend, Melissa, knew I wouldn’t answer her calls, and knows that I still wont depending on the day I am having, yet I know she is there if I need her. She has sent me so many cards, just because. Other friends of mine know talking isn’t really the way to go, so they’ll send me a text, or an e-mail just to say hi and to let them know if I need anything… so for us to still use the excuse, “Maybe they are nervous, or don’t know what to say…” that’s just not right. What’s a text hurt? What does that take a whole 5 seconds out of your day? I guess Billy and I are a little disappointed and a little caught off guard.
I also think some people just don’t know how to feel. They have never lost a child. Cant understand the emptiness Billy and I feel. We didn’t just lose one child, we had 2 pass away. Two children on the same day. We had to burry our two daughters. This is the worst thing and the worst pain I have ever felt.
“You couldn’t live apart from me.
What will I do apart from you?”
To keep going on what I read in the book, it also mentioned that your body doesn’t know that your baby died. This is so true. I had every bit of what happens after you give birth. I wished that my body understood what I was going through and wouldn’t put me in any more pain. No to be gross, but why did I have to produce milk? My girls were no longer here to have it. I remember the pain that went a long with it. Every day I would get upset just thinking about who it was meant for. Also after the birth I remember still feeling the “babies kicking”. It almost wasn’t real to me. The book describes that most women feel this after pregnancy because they are so used to it… But why did I have to relive what just happened. And in reality my girls were supposed to still be in there kicking playfully.
“ I don’t want to be happy
…Not just now.
I have a reason to be sad.
I earned it.
You see,
My life as I knew it
Has ended.”
I still cry, I think I have every right to. I have done better about talking about it, but I don’t think I will ever be back to my old self. I have this fake smile on my face constantly. I realize that I cannot change the past. I know that as long as I put my fate in the hands of God, he will guide me. I have seen that every day is getting a little easier. I still have days when I am a complete mess, but that mess is easier to handle! I love that people ask about what happened that day, I love that they are still thinking about Taylor and Riley and us. I love that they care enough about us to ask.
My grandmother sent me a beautiful card this week. We used to write back and forth to one another fairly often. But since the girls passed away I haven’t found too much motivation to really do anything. She wrote about how she is praying for Billy and I and that she often thinks of us and Taylor and Riley. She said that she missed my letters, but she understands the time I need to heal. It touched my heart, just as all of her sweet letters do, but for some reason this one had me completely balling! My grandmother and I have a language barrier, but we still have found ways to communicate.
My husband has been away on business this week, and came back TONIGHT! Every trip he goes on gets a little easier. I mainly try to stay busy! This week I was able to clean, clean, clean! WEll i walked in the door from work to a delicious smell... I aksed what he was cooking, and he said, "The first dinner I ever made for you!" -- it was so sweet and so delicious!! It was his yummy pasta, chicken, salad, breadsick, and wine!! He is so perfect, and after a year and a half of marriage he still does the little things and is always thinking of me!
Also, our shirts for the walk FINALLY got here! They are very cute. Only thing is the print shop had to do some editing to the colors we had originally given to them, and the girls on the shirts turned out YELLOW!!! Other than that they are cute!! The walk is Saturday and we have raised $6,905!!! Our original goal was $5K… so we have raised almost $2K more than what we originally hoped for!! That doesn’t even include the amount my aunts raised for the walk in Orlando in memory of my girls!! We are extremely excited to have raised that much in 2 months!!! Just think about how much we can raise next year when we have a lot more time to campaign!! I know my girls are looking down on us and are very proud!!
I called the MOD coordinator to find out info on the walk, and she asked are you with Team Taylor and Riley and I said yes, and she said, "You guys are awesome!" I guess she was shocked on how much we have raised!!
Thanks for all of the support, thanks for taking the time to read my blog, thanks for keeping us in your prayers, and thanks most of all for remembering my Taylor Anne and my Riley Grace.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Taylor and Riley's Birthday
More Pictures!
Me in the OR with my girls, minutes after Riley was born.
Aunt Courtney giving Taylor kisses
Grandma and Grandpa Abreu's hands with Taylor
Abreu family with Taylor
My thumb with Taylor's tiny little fingers.
My girls...
So I have been debating on what pictures to share with everyone and what pictures not to... When people ask to see pictures of the girls I usually send a really edited version. This is beautiful to most, but to me the most beautiful pictures are the real thing... what my girls really looked like without all of the editing. They were so gorgeous, so perfect. I figure if people dont want to see them in their natural beauty, then don't look! here's a few of the pictures from their birthday. As you can see... these images truly grasp everyone's emotions:
Seconds after Taylor was born.
Daddy's girls.
Love
My babies.
Grandma Young and the girls... Below
Looking Forward to what tomorrow will bring...
On Thursday I went to go see my counselor. I thought I would be able to actually talk without tearing up every two seconds like I did at the previous appointment, but man was I wrong!! I am still so hurt; my heart is in so much pain. I have been doing better on a day to day basis, but when it comes to talking about my girls, I just have a sharp pain like stabbing at my heart. My eyes fill up with tears, like they are right now as I am typing this, and my chest tightens. I miss them so much, and every day I think to myself why me? Why us? This is so unfair.
Some people have asked why I blog. To me writing is healing. I have always liked to write, and although it does bring up my feelings, and these horrible yet wonderful memories, I feel better after I get them out.
On Friday I ran in to one of the moms that I had never met in person, but she had reached out to me once she heard what I was going through. It was a very unexpected meeting- neither one of us were expecting to run in to each other. She lost her baby boy a little over 5 years ago, around Easter time. He was 3 at the time, and although we didn’t lose our children the same way, we still lost them and our pain is similar. As we met and talked a little, you could see her eyes start to fill up with tears. 5 years later and the pain is no less hurtful, no less painful. This is going to be one heck of a journey for Billy and me.
After lunch, I couldn’t help but get upset. My girls are gone, they are gone forever. As I told the counselor on Thursday, I feel as if this is just one horrible nightmare and one day I am going to wake up, and my girls are going to be there for me to hold, or at least be in my stomach still where I know they will be safe. But they aren’t and this isn’t a nightmare, this is reality for me and it is just so hard to grasp.
I immediately went to the cemetery and just sat with my daughters for a few minutes. I needed that time out; I needed that time of peace with my beautiful angels.
My husband has been looking in to “how to set up a charity” for me. As mentioned before, I would like to set up a charity that donates head stones to parents that have lost a child and cannot afford one for themselves. He ran across a few charities that already do that sort of thing, but they are in other states. While reading up on a few of them I found one man, Kevin Burdick, that lost his little one after 31 days and he wrote a song for his little girl, Dempsey. The song is called, “Too Good For This World.” If you would like to listen to the words and the song you can go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bphj8uEn4aI
As I sat at my computer in so much pain, I couldn’t stop myself from watching, yet I also couldn’t help myself from completely breaking down. It is so real, just gave me vivid pictures of that day when I could hold my babies for just a few short hours.
It’s amazing how many people have lost their child due to prematurity. That is why I am so excited to be involved in March of Dimes this year. It is such a great charity and something I plan on getting really involved in and supporting every year. We have raised over 6K in just 2 months!!
My cousin, Adam, designed our shirts for us, and they are absolutely perfect!! I am so excited to see them and wear them! I can’t wait to see everyone the day of the walk in their pink and green! We have over 50 people walking with us!
My cousin, Mari, designed the shirts for the walk in Orlando. The walk in Orlando is the same day as our walk, so my family there has started a team and will be walking in memory of my girls too! So we have two teams walking the same day all for Taylor and Riley. That means so much to me, you have no idea. I know that day will be very painful, and for those of you that will be attending be prepared for a few breakdowns from me!
Friday night my husband took me to one delicious dinner!! We went to the Palms and it was a nice little get-a-way from the day I had. I was able to relax and enjoy my delicious food and drinks!!
Saturday was a day of relaxing. I laid out by the pool and then went to the Yankees game with my hubby! CC almost threw a no hitter. That was one good game!!
Then Saturday night my cousin and his girlfriend, Tabitha, came over. They have been so sweet to me. They brought me roses and brought my girls beautiful sunflowers!! On Sunday we all went to church. My cousin is Catholic, and Sunday was his first time at a Baptist church! I think they enjoyed it! LOL… I love my church, the Pastor is so real and his sermons are very entertaining. I think my favorite part about Church is the music. One song completely touched me Sunday. Its called “Gentle Shepherd.” The lyrics are:
“Gentle Shepherd, come and lead us, for we need You to help us find our way
Gentle Shepherd come and feed us, for we need Your strength from day to day
There's no other we can turn to who can help us face another day
Gentle Shepherd, come and lead us, for we need you to help us find our way”
Another song I love is, “Because he lives”
“1. God sent His Son - they called Him Jesus,
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives
2. How sweet to hold a newborn baby
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because Christ lives.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives”
3. And then one day I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to victory,
I'll see the lights of glory - and I'll know He lives.”
Can you find a more perfect song? His words are so true, it is through Him that I have found strength. It is through Him that Billy found strength that day in the operating room. I know I can face these days ahead with the Lord by my side. How else could anyone get through this sort of pain?
At Church, Pastor Parish stated that “The older you get, the more you know something is missing…” I had never realized that more than now. I was always a believer, but now that I have opened myself up fully and allowed myself to grasp the meaning of what the Lord can do for us, and has done for us, I know that something had been missing from our life. Now I know what the Pastor stated was more of a long-term thing, but for me I see it right now. I see that I have found strength in finding God and in allowing him to work his Miracles- He is no longer missing . Now do I wish that his Miracle would have been to save Taylor and Riley? Of COURSE!!!! But I know in the long run there is a plan for Billy and I, and there was a reason God needed Taylor and Riley. It still hurts, but I have faith in the Lord’s plan.
After Church we went to see the girls. It was the first time Erik and Tabitha had been back since the funeral. The sunflowers they brought totally brightened up the site. They were so beautiful! WE finished the day with a little Mexican food for lunch and then a day at the beach and a BBQ at my house.
As we were all sitting on the back porch eating our neighbor that lives behind us came by and asked how the pregnancy was going. He had this huge glow on his face. His son was born 3 days after Taylor and Riley, February 3rd. Of course he had a glow, he had his little boy with him… what do I have? --A few memories of their short time on earth, of the 5 months I carried them, pictures on the computer of them, their clothes hanging in the closet knowing that Taylor and Riley will never have the chance to wear them, an empty nursery, a table filled with memories from the day they were here (their little tiny outfits, their receiving blankets, their footprints, their baptism paper, their little books with their weight and size, their tiny teddy bear, their knit hats), and a frame hanging showing they had a star named after them from their Aunt Amanda. – I told him that I had twin girls on January 30th, but we lost them. His face dropped, he had no clue what to say, but “Sorry.”
I think about those words that I have said to many, “I lost them.” Those words are not true, why would I say it like that? At times I guess its just easier to say than, “yeah I gave birth on January 30th at 4 and 5:15pm and my daughters were only alive for a few hours, and then 4 days later I had to bury the most precious things that ever entered this world.” I guess that does sound a little clearer to me, and now that I sit and think about the words, “I lost them” that doesn’t seem right. I didn’t miscarry, I gave birth. I haven’t lost them, I will never lose them, they are still in my heart, in my mind, and a very part of me every day. I know where they are, they are in Heaven, Taylor and Riley are by no means lost.
It hurts every time someone asks about them. But then it also brings comfort in knowing people are still thinking of them. Probably not thinking of them every second of every day like Billy and I do, but at least they are still thinking of them.
I keep thinking back at what I should have done that day in the hospital. I should have gotten myself out of that bed to help bathe my daughters for the first and only time. I should have had the nurse take hand prints along with their footprints. I should have opened their little outfits up to see every single part of them, front and back, hinies and all! I should have taken more pictures of Riley by herself, we have so many pictures of my sweet precious Taylor alone bc she was born first and we had more time with her, and when my beautiful Riley came we took most of the pictures with them together. Unfortunately I was not allowed to get out of the bed. All I could do was sit there and hold them while I was only part of the way elevated. I had a little pillow that helped me hold them. I was so drugged, I was hooked up to so many IV’s that I couldn’t have gotten out of that bed even if I wanted to. I think about that day and every part of me wishes I hadn’t been so drugged, so I could remember that time with them a little clearer, I would go through all that pain just to be able to remember every second I had with them. I remember a lot, but not as much as I would like to. All I have are the few pictures that were taken. Some people tell me that maybe me not completely remembering the whole day is a good thing.
What can I say… today has been a hard day. But all I can do is look forward to the rest of the day and to what tomorrow will bring.
Some people have asked why I blog. To me writing is healing. I have always liked to write, and although it does bring up my feelings, and these horrible yet wonderful memories, I feel better after I get them out.
On Friday I ran in to one of the moms that I had never met in person, but she had reached out to me once she heard what I was going through. It was a very unexpected meeting- neither one of us were expecting to run in to each other. She lost her baby boy a little over 5 years ago, around Easter time. He was 3 at the time, and although we didn’t lose our children the same way, we still lost them and our pain is similar. As we met and talked a little, you could see her eyes start to fill up with tears. 5 years later and the pain is no less hurtful, no less painful. This is going to be one heck of a journey for Billy and me.
After lunch, I couldn’t help but get upset. My girls are gone, they are gone forever. As I told the counselor on Thursday, I feel as if this is just one horrible nightmare and one day I am going to wake up, and my girls are going to be there for me to hold, or at least be in my stomach still where I know they will be safe. But they aren’t and this isn’t a nightmare, this is reality for me and it is just so hard to grasp.
I immediately went to the cemetery and just sat with my daughters for a few minutes. I needed that time out; I needed that time of peace with my beautiful angels.
My husband has been looking in to “how to set up a charity” for me. As mentioned before, I would like to set up a charity that donates head stones to parents that have lost a child and cannot afford one for themselves. He ran across a few charities that already do that sort of thing, but they are in other states. While reading up on a few of them I found one man, Kevin Burdick, that lost his little one after 31 days and he wrote a song for his little girl, Dempsey. The song is called, “Too Good For This World.” If you would like to listen to the words and the song you can go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bphj8uEn4aI
As I sat at my computer in so much pain, I couldn’t stop myself from watching, yet I also couldn’t help myself from completely breaking down. It is so real, just gave me vivid pictures of that day when I could hold my babies for just a few short hours.
It’s amazing how many people have lost their child due to prematurity. That is why I am so excited to be involved in March of Dimes this year. It is such a great charity and something I plan on getting really involved in and supporting every year. We have raised over 6K in just 2 months!!
My cousin, Adam, designed our shirts for us, and they are absolutely perfect!! I am so excited to see them and wear them! I can’t wait to see everyone the day of the walk in their pink and green! We have over 50 people walking with us!
My cousin, Mari, designed the shirts for the walk in Orlando. The walk in Orlando is the same day as our walk, so my family there has started a team and will be walking in memory of my girls too! So we have two teams walking the same day all for Taylor and Riley. That means so much to me, you have no idea. I know that day will be very painful, and for those of you that will be attending be prepared for a few breakdowns from me!
Friday night my husband took me to one delicious dinner!! We went to the Palms and it was a nice little get-a-way from the day I had. I was able to relax and enjoy my delicious food and drinks!!
Saturday was a day of relaxing. I laid out by the pool and then went to the Yankees game with my hubby! CC almost threw a no hitter. That was one good game!!
Then Saturday night my cousin and his girlfriend, Tabitha, came over. They have been so sweet to me. They brought me roses and brought my girls beautiful sunflowers!! On Sunday we all went to church. My cousin is Catholic, and Sunday was his first time at a Baptist church! I think they enjoyed it! LOL… I love my church, the Pastor is so real and his sermons are very entertaining. I think my favorite part about Church is the music. One song completely touched me Sunday. Its called “Gentle Shepherd.” The lyrics are:
“Gentle Shepherd, come and lead us, for we need You to help us find our way
Gentle Shepherd come and feed us, for we need Your strength from day to day
There's no other we can turn to who can help us face another day
Gentle Shepherd, come and lead us, for we need you to help us find our way”
Another song I love is, “Because he lives”
“1. God sent His Son - they called Him Jesus,
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives
2. How sweet to hold a newborn baby
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because Christ lives.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives”
3. And then one day I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to victory,
I'll see the lights of glory - and I'll know He lives.”
Can you find a more perfect song? His words are so true, it is through Him that I have found strength. It is through Him that Billy found strength that day in the operating room. I know I can face these days ahead with the Lord by my side. How else could anyone get through this sort of pain?
At Church, Pastor Parish stated that “The older you get, the more you know something is missing…” I had never realized that more than now. I was always a believer, but now that I have opened myself up fully and allowed myself to grasp the meaning of what the Lord can do for us, and has done for us, I know that something had been missing from our life. Now I know what the Pastor stated was more of a long-term thing, but for me I see it right now. I see that I have found strength in finding God and in allowing him to work his Miracles- He is no longer missing . Now do I wish that his Miracle would have been to save Taylor and Riley? Of COURSE!!!! But I know in the long run there is a plan for Billy and I, and there was a reason God needed Taylor and Riley. It still hurts, but I have faith in the Lord’s plan.
After Church we went to see the girls. It was the first time Erik and Tabitha had been back since the funeral. The sunflowers they brought totally brightened up the site. They were so beautiful! WE finished the day with a little Mexican food for lunch and then a day at the beach and a BBQ at my house.
As we were all sitting on the back porch eating our neighbor that lives behind us came by and asked how the pregnancy was going. He had this huge glow on his face. His son was born 3 days after Taylor and Riley, February 3rd. Of course he had a glow, he had his little boy with him… what do I have? --A few memories of their short time on earth, of the 5 months I carried them, pictures on the computer of them, their clothes hanging in the closet knowing that Taylor and Riley will never have the chance to wear them, an empty nursery, a table filled with memories from the day they were here (their little tiny outfits, their receiving blankets, their footprints, their baptism paper, their little books with their weight and size, their tiny teddy bear, their knit hats), and a frame hanging showing they had a star named after them from their Aunt Amanda. – I told him that I had twin girls on January 30th, but we lost them. His face dropped, he had no clue what to say, but “Sorry.”
I think about those words that I have said to many, “I lost them.” Those words are not true, why would I say it like that? At times I guess its just easier to say than, “yeah I gave birth on January 30th at 4 and 5:15pm and my daughters were only alive for a few hours, and then 4 days later I had to bury the most precious things that ever entered this world.” I guess that does sound a little clearer to me, and now that I sit and think about the words, “I lost them” that doesn’t seem right. I didn’t miscarry, I gave birth. I haven’t lost them, I will never lose them, they are still in my heart, in my mind, and a very part of me every day. I know where they are, they are in Heaven, Taylor and Riley are by no means lost.
It hurts every time someone asks about them. But then it also brings comfort in knowing people are still thinking of them. Probably not thinking of them every second of every day like Billy and I do, but at least they are still thinking of them.
I keep thinking back at what I should have done that day in the hospital. I should have gotten myself out of that bed to help bathe my daughters for the first and only time. I should have had the nurse take hand prints along with their footprints. I should have opened their little outfits up to see every single part of them, front and back, hinies and all! I should have taken more pictures of Riley by herself, we have so many pictures of my sweet precious Taylor alone bc she was born first and we had more time with her, and when my beautiful Riley came we took most of the pictures with them together. Unfortunately I was not allowed to get out of the bed. All I could do was sit there and hold them while I was only part of the way elevated. I had a little pillow that helped me hold them. I was so drugged, I was hooked up to so many IV’s that I couldn’t have gotten out of that bed even if I wanted to. I think about that day and every part of me wishes I hadn’t been so drugged, so I could remember that time with them a little clearer, I would go through all that pain just to be able to remember every second I had with them. I remember a lot, but not as much as I would like to. All I have are the few pictures that were taken. Some people tell me that maybe me not completely remembering the whole day is a good thing.
What can I say… today has been a hard day. But all I can do is look forward to the rest of the day and to what tomorrow will bring.
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